Jyn appreciated being told the truth - and Joreth seemed very truthful in his reply to her. Moreover, it was reassuring to know that she wasn't the only one that was feeling that way.
That ... was as good a place to start building a foundation as any, wasn't it?
Maybe she should have left well enough alone. Maybe she should have waited for another time entirely, but -
"I nearly didn't," he said, slowly. "I agreed to consider it because… it showed a level of… honor, I guess, from the Admiral, and I wanted to show I recognized that; because it solidified the relationship he wanted with your guardian, because it would be good for my career… but those things are only why I agreed to meet you at all.
"I agreed to go through with it because…"
This was hard. He couldn't be absolutely certain he wasn't just saying it to distract her. …Even though it was what was ultimately true… but he had a harder time trusting himself when he actually wanted…
"…because when I saw you," he said, not hiding his difficulty, "I hated the idea of you being married off." At all? "To anyone else."
Jyn was expecting a diplomatic and entirely practiced answer - surely it was a question that it was anticipated that she would ask at some point.
So, the first portion of his answer was not surprising in the least. She knew that his marrying her was definitely a step in the right direction when it came to furthering his career. She knew that a match between them would forge a relationship between the Admiral and Krennic -
But she wasn't expecting the raw honesty that was to follow. She hadn't anticipated the way that the answer pulled at her heart and stole some of her breath. "You don't even know me."
Surely, he was aware of her reputation, even if he couldn't know how well-founded those rumors were. But he didn't know her, not even a little, not at all.
Jyn ducked her head, breathing out a noise that could have been a chuckle, albeit not all that joyful. "I did ask, yes", she replied, taking a moment to take a breath before glancing back up, her expression apologetic.
He had been honest with her, now it was her turn to be honest with him.
"I didn't have a choice."
She wanted to apologize, but instead, she let her glance fall to the table once again. She felt ashamed and guilty, and hardly even knew why.
Jyn did look up - after a moment - slowly, nodding her appreciation. "It's not your fault."
Not his fault, not his doing, not his responsibility. And maybe Jyn didn't want to get into specifics, maybe she never would, but at least he had an idea, an understanding of why she was making a concentrated attempt to try to get to know him.
Now, Jyn would never have the opportunity to make an escape. Now, she really was well and truly stuck. If she wasn't at her post, under the watchful gazes of those who expected to work and keep the Empire's machine running smoothly, she would have no privacy at home, either.
Even if Joreth hadn't been recruited specifically to keep eyes on her, Jyn couldn't put it past Krennic to corner him somewhere and convince him to do it. She had no one to trust, nowhere to run.
And she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Although, when the server returned, she managed to choose one of the Alderaanian specials, despite no longer having an appetite. She'd just have to go through the motions. She was good at that.
"I hardly know where to begin", she started, shrugging. "I've ... always wanted a pet of my own. Maybe a tooka cat."
His smile at the cat was spontaneous. "We could probably arrange that…?"
His turn. Right. …Oh, why this one… ah well. Honesty. "I don't remember my mother. For years, I didn't know who she was. My father told me nothing. At some point I even started to wonder if he was really my father or had kidnapped me."
Her smile was a bit more hesitant. She was far more used to being denied such superfluous desires, informed that it was a waste of time to focus on those sorts of distractions when there were far better uses of her time. "... Yeah?"
Jyn hadn't expected Joreth's offering to pull at her heartstrings so thoroughly. He couldn't know, could he, that she had lost her mother at a young age, too, that it still hurt to think about her and barely remember the sound of her voice or what her smile looked like, how it felt to be held in her arms.
"I'm sorry. And you never found out anything otherwise - ?"
Going into details would either require lies or stray into cover-threatening territory, so he dropped it. Instead, he folded his hands on the table and signaled the change of tone with another smile. "Your turn. What would you name a tooka cat and why?"
Jyn had so many follow-up questions, but she was observant enough to know when to drop them and to concentrate on other things entirely. Still, she felt that maybe, he could understand her, at least a little.
"Oh, that's impossible to determine without meeting them and getting to know their disposition first. I would hate to name it Sunny if it was actually very grumpy. Although I've never known a grumpy took cat before, have you?"
He wished he could tell her about Lothal and the loth-cats. But anything that could be easily looked up was a no-go.
Ah, but he could borrow, from the Organas of Alderaan— "A friend of mine had an aunt with four tooka cats. My friend was allowed to name one of them. Their names were Fluffy, Taffy, Muffy, and AT-AV*."
[*All-Terrain Attack Vehicle a Princess Leia story from the EU, by Barbara Hambley]
Jyn's eyebrows shot up in surprise, and soon after, she laughed - a long, loud, pleased noise , one that she hadn't offered anyone in ...
Well. As long as she could remember.
"Don't tell me, AT-AV was the cuddliest one of all? To be honest, I think I prefer that name to the others. Did you have pets as a child? Do you have siblings?"
That was a wonderful sound. He wanted to make her make it again.
"I never met them," he admitted, "but my friend loved Avie very much."
For pets or siblings: "No, neither."
…this was a bad idea… skirting the edges… but… "I had a droid. A KX security model. …I was a lonely kid." (Both true facts if actually unrelated. But let it evoke the image of a child befriending an enforcer.)
"Good. That's good", she replied, nodding gently. "I'm sure they loved your friend, too."
Jyn had a difficult time picturing little Joreth with a security droid for a friend. That seemed exceptionally sad to her, but then, she hadn't grown up with siblings, either. And after a while, she wouldn't even say that she had many friends - real, true ones, in any case.
Just herself and her imagination.
"I know what that's like, being lonely. What happened with your droid?"
On the one hand: how wonderful, that she'd had that kind of relationship with a parent. On the other hand… also sounded terribly lonely.
What had he wanted to be… there was no honest answer to that. He'd been a soldier. He didn't want things for himself. And he hadn't expected to grow up.
Sward's answer, though, was easy. "An admiral of my own ship." Boring answer, anyway. "What kind of holos do you like?"
For most of what little time she had been granted with her father, he had been busy working or grieving the loss of her mother. So it hadn't been as wonderful as she might have made it sound.
Still, she missed him deeply.
"Ah - ", she answered, shrugging. "You're a career man, then." That wasn't much of a surprise to hear - he wouldn't have married her if it hadn't been a chance for advancement. "I ... wasn't allowed to watch very many of them when I was little, so ... I like them all. Fantasy adventures, whatever is easiest to get lost in."
Wasn't allowed…? He opened his mouth to follow up, but that was when their meals arrived.
Cassian was relieved to find he could eat, now, without much forcing. Though he was far more interested in continuing the… game, or whatever it was, with Jyn. He waited, though, 'til the server was safely gone. "What did you want to be when you grew up?"
Wasn't allowed. Lonely, sheltered, and also made to spend most of her time studying, encouraged to nurture what was sure to be an exceptional intellect, inherited from her parents - both of them.
Jyn wasn't starving, for sure, but when her plate was set in front of her, she found that her stomach growled softly nonetheless. At least she could try to enjoy her food without forcing herself to do so.
"I don't know if I wanted to be any one thing in particular, but I - ", here she paused, trying to gauge him carefully, how he might react to hearing the truth. "I suppose what I dreamed about the most was sneaking onto some ship heading anywhere and just ... traveling."
She shrugged, huffed out a breath, and focused on her food. "Do you have any hobbies?"
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He didn't want to lie to her. More than he absolutely had to. (Which was already so much.)
But moment to moment… see if he couldn't.
"That this is all out of order," he said, just as softly. "A first date usually happens before the wedding."
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That ... was as good a place to start building a foundation as any, wasn't it?
Maybe she should have left well enough alone. Maybe she should have waited for another time entirely, but -
"Why did you agree to it?"
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"I nearly didn't," he said, slowly. "I agreed to consider it because… it showed a level of… honor, I guess, from the Admiral, and I wanted to show I recognized that; because it solidified the relationship he wanted with your guardian, because it would be good for my career… but those things are only why I agreed to meet you at all.
"I agreed to go through with it because…"
This was hard. He couldn't be absolutely certain he wasn't just saying it to distract her. …Even though it was what was ultimately true… but he had a harder time trusting himself when he actually wanted…
"…because when I saw you," he said, not hiding his difficulty, "I hated the idea of you being married off." At all? "To anyone else."
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So, the first portion of his answer was not surprising in the least. She knew that his marrying her was definitely a step in the right direction when it came to furthering his career. She knew that a match between them would forge a relationship between the Admiral and Krennic -
But she wasn't expecting the raw honesty that was to follow. She hadn't anticipated the way that the answer pulled at her heart and stole some of her breath. "You don't even know me."
Surely, he was aware of her reputation, even if he couldn't know how well-founded those rumors were. But he didn't know her, not even a little, not at all.
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He shook his head, not looking at her. "I know.
"I didn't say it was a good reason. But you asked."
Don't I know you? Don't you feel it too? The mirror?
Not as payback. Just more honesty. Wanting to know—even though he had a horrible feeling he already did. "Why did you?"
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He had been honest with her, now it was her turn to be honest with him.
"I didn't have a choice."
She wanted to apologize, but instead, she let her glance fall to the table once again. She felt ashamed and guilty, and hardly even knew why.
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If she looked up at him, she'd see him meeting her eyes, face completely open. He meant it.
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Not his fault, not his doing, not his responsibility. And maybe Jyn didn't want to get into specifics, maybe she never would, but at least he had an idea, an understanding of why she was making a concentrated attempt to try to get to know him.
"I hope we might know each other someday."
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Though they never would.
…unless…
No. He couldn't afford to even begin to think like that. Can't take anyone with you. If she'd even—
No.
The server chose that moment to come back, when Cassian now felt too sick to eat. He ordered anyway (no choice) and considered what next.
"We can make a start," he said. "What's something you think I should know about you? Or something you want to know about me?"
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Even if Joreth hadn't been recruited specifically to keep eyes on her, Jyn couldn't put it past Krennic to corner him somewhere and convince him to do it. She had no one to trust, nowhere to run.
And she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Although, when the server returned, she managed to choose one of the Alderaanian specials, despite no longer having an appetite. She'd just have to go through the motions. She was good at that.
"I hardly know where to begin", she started, shrugging. "I've ... always wanted a pet of my own. Maybe a tooka cat."
She watched him expectantly, waiting.
"Your turn."
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His turn. Right. …Oh, why this one… ah well. Honesty. "I don't remember my mother. For years, I didn't know who she was. My father told me nothing. At some point I even started to wonder if he was really my father or had kidnapped me."
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Jyn hadn't expected Joreth's offering to pull at her heartstrings so thoroughly. He couldn't know, could he, that she had lost her mother at a young age, too, that it still hurt to think about her and barely remember the sound of her voice or what her smile looked like, how it felt to be held in her arms.
"I'm sorry. And you never found out anything otherwise - ?"
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Going into details would either require lies or stray into cover-threatening territory, so he dropped it. Instead, he folded his hands on the table and signaled the change of tone with another smile. "Your turn. What would you name a tooka cat and why?"
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"Oh, that's impossible to determine without meeting them and getting to know their disposition first. I would hate to name it Sunny if it was actually very grumpy. Although I've never known a grumpy took cat before, have you?"
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Ah, but he could borrow, from the Organas of Alderaan— "A friend of mine had an aunt with four tooka cats. My friend was allowed to name one of them. Their names were Fluffy, Taffy, Muffy, and AT-AV*."
[*All-Terrain Attack Vehicle
a Princess Leia story from the EU, by Barbara Hambley]
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Well. As long as she could remember.
"Don't tell me, AT-AV was the cuddliest one of all? To be honest, I think I prefer that name to the others. Did you have pets as a child? Do you have siblings?"
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"I never met them," he admitted, "but my friend loved Avie very much."
For pets or siblings: "No, neither."
…this was a bad idea… skirting the edges… but… "I had a droid. A KX security model. …I was a lonely kid." (Both true facts if actually unrelated. But let it evoke the image of a child befriending an enforcer.)
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Jyn had a difficult time picturing little Joreth with a security droid for a friend. That seemed exceptionally sad to her, but then, she hadn't grown up with siblings, either. And after a while, she wouldn't even say that she had many friends - real, true ones, in any case.
Just herself and her imagination.
"I know what that's like, being lonely. What happened with your droid?"
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(In their hidden shuttle, embedded in the city. Shhh.)
"Your best friend, growing up?"
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"My Papa. But ... he's stationed elsewhere, so I haven't seen him in quite some time. We correspond sometimes, but ... "
It wasn't enough. She missed him. And she didn't want to think about it.
"What did you want to be when you grew up?"
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What had he wanted to be… there was no honest answer to that. He'd been a soldier. He didn't want things for himself. And he hadn't expected to grow up.
Sward's answer, though, was easy. "An admiral of my own ship." Boring answer, anyway. "What kind of holos do you like?"
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Still, she missed him deeply.
"Ah - ", she answered, shrugging. "You're a career man, then." That wasn't much of a surprise to hear - he wouldn't have married her if it hadn't been a chance for advancement. "I ... wasn't allowed to watch very many of them when I was little, so ... I like them all. Fantasy adventures, whatever is easiest to get lost in."
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Cassian was relieved to find he could eat, now, without much forcing. Though he was far more interested in continuing the… game, or whatever it was, with Jyn. He waited, though, 'til the server was safely gone. "What did you want to be when you grew up?"
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Jyn wasn't starving, for sure, but when her plate was set in front of her, she found that her stomach growled softly nonetheless. At least she could try to enjoy her food without forcing herself to do so.
"I don't know if I wanted to be any one thing in particular, but I - ", here she paused, trying to gauge him carefully, how he might react to hearing the truth. "I suppose what I dreamed about the most was sneaking onto some ship heading anywhere and just ... traveling."
She shrugged, huffed out a breath, and focused on her food. "Do you have any hobbies?"
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Can't take anyone with you.
…At least, don't think about it right now.
But…
Cassian looked at her thoughtfully. "You know… we're allowed a honeymoon. I hadn't thought about it, but… If you could go anywhere…?"
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cw: past violence & noncon -- LMK if this is okay?
hahaha who needs a heart anyway
d'awww <3
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