He nodded. Feeling a new wash of embarrassment, but also satisfaction. It was his worst quality for being a spy: that he didn't sleep silently. (Though somehow when he was on a stakeout or in immediate hiding, he did. Survival instincts were an amazing thing. He seemed to do better when asleep in uncomfortable conditions—outdoors, on a hard surface, sitting up, etc—and worse when he was actually somewhere secure and cushioned.)
"Thank you," he said quietly, "for pulling me out. …You should get back to sleep while you can. I don't want to ruin your night."
"You don't have to thank you", she murmured, shrugging gently. "You would have done the same for me."
Did she believe that he was alright? Not a chance. But she also didn't want to make a wrong move, whether that was insisting that she stay for a little while, or ask if he wanted to come to bed, or ... any number of possibilities she found herself considering.
"You didn't ruin my night. I can - I can stay out here if you want to take the bed for a bit I don't mind, really."
Jyn was silent for a long - probably almost too-long moment. At first, she didn't offer an answer other than the soft, slow nodding of her head. It's not that she was uncomfortable with the idea of sharing! She was just surprised, that's all, and maybe it was because she was still hazy with sleep, or maybe it was due to his earlier insistence that the couch would be fine ...
But as she slowly offered her hand, it was with a steady expression that was more akin to and understanding and an acceptance rather than any sort of pity. She had nightmares, too, not that he could know, and sometimes ...
Well. She had woken up disoriented and scared, too, too many times to recall. Maybe knowing that he wasn't alone would help. And sharing a bed seemed such a simple thing to do.
"Yeah", she replied, quickly licking her dry lips. "We can do that."
Skies, he hoped she meant it… he hoped she wasn't being self-sacrificing for his sake… he hoped he could be forgiven for accepting the answer and taking her hand, to stand. Then not immediately letting go. But just stood there a moment, holding her hand, looking down at it.
He found words, finally—even possibly lighthearted ones: "If you end up having to kick me back out, I'll understand." More intently, "But thank you."
Jyn could be cold. Her words could (and had) cut others directly to the bone. She could be impatient and she could easily say all the right things, even if she didn't mean them. She had to, sometimes, just to get through some days. But she wasn't acting now.
She simply - gently - squeezed Joreth's hand reassuringly. No, this was not exactly what most people expected of a first night as a married couple, but if he was in distress, she was not going to make it worse.
"We'll manage", she replied. "Grab your pillow, we'll go lay down."
Something loosened in his chest. He breathed; then smiled. Released her hand in order to do as she said: turned around and grabbed the pillow and blanket. Then nodded for her to lead the way.
Jyn smiled, too. She smiled and took a deep breath as he set to retrieving the pillow and blanket, and then took the first few steps away from the couch and toward the bedroom. Surely, it couldn't be that difficult. It was only sleep.
He followed her in. He saw which side of the bed she'd been closer to, and crossed to the other side to replace the pillow and blanket. Before getting into the bed himself, he hesitated and looked at her one more time.
Jyn sighed once they were in the bedroom, and turned her attention to undoing her thin robe and shrugging out of it, leaving her in loose pants and a sleeveless shirt, careful as she sat and tried to watch Joreth without being obvious that she was (still) checking up on him. "It's fine", she murmured, nodding gently. "When you're ready."
Soft. She wasn't used to being so ... soft. But the situation called for it, she felt, and so, she would try.
There were so many things he'd known he would never do, that, for the Rebellion, he'd ended up doing.
He'd still never…
He hoped he never would…
…he'd given up his own comfort and wants when it came to a sex life, subsuming all such behavior for missions and the cause. But the only not-truly-consenting party would only ever be himself.
He didn't think for a moment tonight would go in that direction. But he didn't want to impose or force anything. And he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to resist… just… reaching out for her.
She'll be close. Make that be enough.
He nodded back, expression showing his gratitude for the way she was… caring for him, in all this. And carefully lay down, a bit closer than customary to the edge of the mattress to leave ample room between them; didn't have the strength of will to turn his back on her, wasn't so far gone as to face her, so stayed on his back. And focused on slowing his breath. Maybe, with heightened awareness, matching it to hers.
Jyn made sure that every movement she made was careful and deliberate in an attempt to keep from startling him all the more. So she slid back underneath her blanket and stretched out in bed - a little closer to the edge than she would normally sleep, and laid on her back, even though she knew that once she slipped back into sleep, she would turn onto her side.
She felt that turning her back to Joreth would feel dismissive, which she did not want. But she also felt that turning the other way and facing him would feel a little too ... intimate. So, for the moment, this would have to do.
The last thing on her mind was anything other than getting a few more hours of sleep. What kind of a monster would she be to make an attempt to initiate now? No, that wasn't her, and this wasn't that, and all she wanted to do - if Joreth was amenable - was to try to offer him some sense of comfort.
...
She didn't know if she would be able to refrain, even in sleep, from reaching out to touch, a hand, an arm, just to maintain some contact, a physical reminder that he wasn't alone.
Try honesty. It was what had worked best between them, so far. And if he didn't want to manipulate… (though one could also manipulate with truth…)
Try. Just… try.
"I'm worried," he breathed back. "That I might… in my sleep… cross a line. With you. …I don't mean… I mean, just: put an arm around you, or something. I don't want to do anything… not wanted. And I wouldn't want you to let me if… you didn't really…" Pfassk. He closed his eyes and shook his head, and sat up. "I'm sorry. This is probably… I should go back outside."
Jyn followed suit, sitting up in order to face him more fully. Even in the dim light of the room, she wanted him to see her face, watch her expressions, and know that whatever she said, she meant, and nothing was being offered in an attempt to placate.
Wasn't honesty the best policy?
"Everybody needs somebody sometime, Joreth. We shouldn't have to ... go through everything alone. I - haven't had a hug in ages. Maybe years. And to be quite honest ... if that did happen, I'm pretty sure I would welcome it."
She ducked her head, huffing out an embarrassed chuckle, and then slowly glanced back up. "If we're going to be friends, we'll need to trust each other. So this is me saying that I trust you. I trust that you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, and I hope that you can trust me to do the same. You don't have to go back to the couch - the bed is big enough for us both."
He looked back at her for long moments, at a complete loss. At last, he let out a breath that was more sob than he could begin to explain; nodded his thanks, and lay back down.
Jyn waited, watching, barely breathing. She wondered what he had seen - what he had done - to cause such trauma, fear and pain and whatever else he was experiencing, but it was hardly her place to ask.
She might never know, but at the very least, she could offer some sense of comfort and safety. She would be everything she hated if she did anything less.
Jyn settled back down only after Joreth did, quiet as she offered the hint of a smile, and then slowly slid her hand across the bed, an offering - she wouldn't feel offended if he didn't take it. Maybe it would help to ground him. Maybe it wouldn't. But hopefully it wouldn't hurt to try.
Her smile was incredible. He felt enfolded by it; allowing him to unlock a bit more, sink further into the mattress. When her hand moved toward his, he finally found he didn't need to overthink. He just moved his hand up, too, to curl his fingers around her. He thought about kissing her hand. Decided not to. He just squeezed it, briefly, very gently, then let his hand also relax around hers.
He needed to say something, but nothing more difficult or complicated. At last: "Good night, again," he whispered.
Jyn finally let the last vestiges of stress and worry go in the instant that their fingers touched and she felt some little spark pass between them. Maybe it was just her imagination, maybe it was exhaustion, but she thought she felt something nonetheless.
"Good night, again", she repeated, just as softly. "Sleep well."
He wasn't tracking how much time passed. He listened to her breathing, synchronized his, felt their heartbeats also in accord, the warmth and electricity and very blood flowing through their touching fingertips, like a closed circuit… and felt more relaxed than he had in a very long time. Certainly for the first time on Coruscant. Probably even longer.
He wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep… but he also found he didn't quite care. There was rest here. But perhaps he was partway to drifting off, lowering his inhibitions and concerns, when he found himself starting to shift closer to her, his hand moving from her hand up to her shoulder, and murmured, "May I…?"
For once, the silence of the room didn't feel stifling. For once, Jyn didn't find herself consumed in her own thoughts. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the decadently plush pillows. Even if she didn't fall asleep quickly, she could take comfort in the contact - and selfishly, how good it felt for her not to be alone.
Her heartbeat and her breathing steadied, and a little at a time, fell back into rest, even though she wasn't quite sleeping yet. Just on the verge, she felt the motion of the bed and the traveling of his hand to her shoulder, and she hummed her response. "Mmhmm. 'S fine."
Trust. Permission granted. Cassian slipped his arm around her fully, his hand coming to rest flat on her back, pulling them slightly together until she was against his chest.
This was something he hadn't done, if he could avoid it, since… probably since Xilo. Where feeling trapped and desperate, they'd done the only thing in their power to control, and where falling asleep together could be mistaken for…
No. There's a reason you don't do this. Do not go falling in love with your 'wife'.
But he'd already done it. And my god, Force and skies, she felt so good there; warm and breathing, filling the hollow he always felt in his chest, solid and slight under his arm. He closed his eyes into her hair, breathing a little more shallowly, as if worried about his chest moving too much against her.
Jyn kept still, allowing Joreth to position himself - and her - however was the most comfortable for them both. When all was settled and she found herself clutched to his chest, her face fitting perfectly in the space between shoulder and neck.
Now, she was a little more awake, barely breathing for fear of displacing either of them - Jyn had never shared space with another person quite like this, and even her last familial hugs had happened so long ago ...
Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't want to have to move anytime soon. She wanted to stay here, right here for as long as she could. Tentatively, she let her fingers drift from his shoulder to his back and began tracing nondescript little patterns there, hoping he'd derive even more comfort from the reassuring gesture.
She closed her eyes and took in his warmth, how solid and real he was, how ... safe she felt within the confines of his embrace. Whatever she was expecting to feel ... it wasn't this.
He shivered a little at the trace of her fingers on his back. But he didn't want her to stop. To signal this, his fingers took up a similar, light pattern between her shoulderblades.
His other arm, the one beneath him, had been crooked under the pillow under his own head. He shifted it now to be under hers, supporting and propping her up. Closing another circuit: this one of himself around her. Hoping he wasn't trapping her—keeping alert for the merest movement she might make that indicated she wanted out, in which case, he'd instantly release her.
But she's not making any such move. Instead they're… loosening, melting, sinking deeper into one another. Like they'd been made to fit together. And he really hasn't felt this in… years upon years… maybe never? …and the idea of ever having to go without it again feels unthinkable…
No future. No past. Just now.
"Yes," he whispered back, cheek resting on her hair. "You? Okay?"
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 04:44 am (UTC)"Thank you," he said quietly, "for pulling me out. …You should get back to sleep while you can. I don't want to ruin your night."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 04:55 am (UTC)Did she believe that he was alright? Not a chance. But she also didn't want to make a wrong move, whether that was insisting that she stay for a little while, or ask if he wanted to come to bed, or ... any number of possibilities she found herself considering.
"You didn't ruin my night. I can - I can stay out here if you want to take the bed for a bit I don't mind, really."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:08 am (UTC)…what was too much to put on another person…?
…why did he even feel [anything?!] this way, when he'd largely succeeded in living his life alone…?
… …
…how could he not?
He swallowed. Not knowing how to do this, thinking he almost certainly shouldn't, but unable to move forward any other way.
"Are you…" Breathe. "…still…" Calm down. Cool it. "…comfortable with…" …gotta commit now don't you… "…sharing?"
Bad idea bad idea bad idea
Surely lying down beside her and not touching her would be even worse, much harder, than just staying in separate rooms.
But it was a physical impossibility for him not even to ask it, now.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:34 am (UTC)But as she slowly offered her hand, it was with a steady expression that was more akin to and understanding and an acceptance rather than any sort of pity. She had nightmares, too, not that he could know, and sometimes ...
Well. She had woken up disoriented and scared, too, too many times to recall. Maybe knowing that he wasn't alone would help. And sharing a bed seemed such a simple thing to do.
"Yeah", she replied, quickly licking her dry lips. "We can do that."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:42 am (UTC)He found words, finally—even possibly lighthearted ones: "If you end up having to kick me back out, I'll understand." More intently, "But thank you."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:57 am (UTC)She simply - gently - squeezed Joreth's hand reassuringly. No, this was not exactly what most people expected of a first night as a married couple, but if he was in distress, she was not going to make it worse.
"We'll manage", she replied. "Grab your pillow, we'll go lay down."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:16 am (UTC)Soft. She wasn't used to being so ... soft. But the situation called for it, she felt, and so, she would try.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:25 am (UTC)There were so many things he'd known he would never do, that, for the Rebellion, he'd ended up doing.
He'd still never…
He hoped he never would…
…he'd given up his own comfort and wants when it came to a sex life, subsuming all such behavior for missions and the cause. But the only not-truly-consenting party would only ever be himself.
He didn't think for a moment tonight would go in that direction. But he didn't want to impose or force anything. And he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to resist… just… reaching out for her.
She'll be close. Make that be enough.
He nodded back, expression showing his gratitude for the way she was… caring for him, in all this. And carefully lay down, a bit closer than customary to the edge of the mattress to leave ample room between them; didn't have the strength of will to turn his back on her, wasn't so far gone as to face her, so stayed on his back. And focused on slowing his breath. Maybe, with heightened awareness, matching it to hers.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:51 am (UTC)She felt that turning her back to Joreth would feel dismissive, which she did not want. But she also felt that turning the other way and facing him would feel a little too ... intimate. So, for the moment, this would have to do.
The last thing on her mind was anything other than getting a few more hours of sleep. What kind of a monster would she be to make an attempt to initiate now? No, that wasn't her, and this wasn't that, and all she wanted to do - if Joreth was amenable - was to try to offer him some sense of comfort.
...
She didn't know if she would be able to refrain, even in sleep, from reaching out to touch, a hand, an arm, just to maintain some contact, a physical reminder that he wasn't alone.
"Is ... this good?"
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 07:01 am (UTC)…
…
Try honesty. It was what had worked best between them, so far. And if he didn't want to manipulate… (though one could also manipulate with truth…)
Try. Just… try.
"I'm worried," he breathed back. "That I might… in my sleep… cross a line. With you. …I don't mean… I mean, just: put an arm around you, or something. I don't want to do anything… not wanted. And I wouldn't want you to let me if… you didn't really…" Pfassk. He closed his eyes and shook his head, and sat up. "I'm sorry. This is probably… I should go back outside."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 07:23 am (UTC)Jyn followed suit, sitting up in order to face him more fully. Even in the dim light of the room, she wanted him to see her face, watch her expressions, and know that whatever she said, she meant, and nothing was being offered in an attempt to placate.
Wasn't honesty the best policy?
"Everybody needs somebody sometime, Joreth. We shouldn't have to ... go through everything alone. I - haven't had a hug in ages. Maybe years. And to be quite honest ... if that did happen, I'm pretty sure I would welcome it."
She ducked her head, huffing out an embarrassed chuckle, and then slowly glanced back up. "If we're going to be friends, we'll need to trust each other. So this is me saying that I trust you. I trust that you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, and I hope that you can trust me to do the same. You don't have to go back to the couch - the bed is big enough for us both."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 01:42 pm (UTC)Don't do that.
But in this…
He looked back at her for long moments, at a complete loss. At last, he let out a breath that was more sob than he could begin to explain; nodded his thanks, and lay back down.
This time, facing her.
Managed at last to murmur, "I trust you, too."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:17 pm (UTC)She might never know, but at the very least, she could offer some sense of comfort and safety. She would be everything she hated if she did anything less.
Jyn settled back down only after Joreth did, quiet as she offered the hint of a smile, and then slowly slid her hand across the bed, an offering - she wouldn't feel offended if he didn't take it. Maybe it would help to ground him. Maybe it wouldn't. But hopefully it wouldn't hurt to try.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 10:59 pm (UTC)He needed to say something, but nothing more difficult or complicated. At last: "Good night, again," he whispered.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 12:11 am (UTC)"Good night, again", she repeated, just as softly. "Sleep well."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 01:45 am (UTC)It does, Kay. With you.
"I think I will," he said quietly. "Now."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 01:54 am (UTC)She didn't know if she would, but if she was lucky, and barring any more unexpected wakeups, maybe she could get a few more hours.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 02:01 am (UTC)He wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep… but he also found he didn't quite care. There was rest here. But perhaps he was partway to drifting off, lowering his inhibitions and concerns, when he found himself starting to shift closer to her, his hand moving from her hand up to her shoulder, and murmured, "May I…?"
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 02:55 am (UTC)Her heartbeat and her breathing steadied, and a little at a time, fell back into rest, even though she wasn't quite sleeping yet. Just on the verge, she felt the motion of the bed and the traveling of his hand to her shoulder, and she hummed her response. "Mmhmm. 'S fine."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 03:04 am (UTC)This was something he hadn't done, if he could avoid it, since… probably since Xilo. Where feeling trapped and desperate, they'd done the only thing in their power to control, and where falling asleep together could be mistaken for…
No. There's a reason you don't do this. Do not go falling in love with your 'wife'.
But he'd already done it. And my god, Force and skies, she felt so good there; warm and breathing, filling the hollow he always felt in his chest, solid and slight under his arm. He closed his eyes into her hair, breathing a little more shallowly, as if worried about his chest moving too much against her.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 03:53 am (UTC)Now, she was a little more awake, barely breathing for fear of displacing either of them - Jyn had never shared space with another person quite like this, and even her last familial hugs had happened so long ago ...
Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't want to have to move anytime soon. She wanted to stay here, right here for as long as she could. Tentatively, she let her fingers drift from his shoulder to his back and began tracing nondescript little patterns there, hoping he'd derive even more comfort from the reassuring gesture.
She closed her eyes and took in his warmth, how solid and real he was, how ... safe she felt within the confines of his embrace. Whatever she was expecting to feel ... it wasn't this.
"Better?", she asked, her voice soft, hesitant.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 04:10 am (UTC)His other arm, the one beneath him, had been crooked under the pillow under his own head. He shifted it now to be under hers, supporting and propping her up. Closing another circuit: this one of himself around her. Hoping he wasn't trapping her—keeping alert for the merest movement she might make that indicated she wanted out, in which case, he'd instantly release her.
But she's not making any such move. Instead they're… loosening, melting, sinking deeper into one another. Like they'd been made to fit together. And he really hasn't felt this in… years upon years… maybe never? …and the idea of ever having to go without it again feels unthinkable…
No future. No past. Just now.
"Yes," he whispered back, cheek resting on her hair. "You? Okay?"
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