Jyn followed suit, sitting up in order to face him more fully. Even in the dim light of the room, she wanted him to see her face, watch her expressions, and know that whatever she said, she meant, and nothing was being offered in an attempt to placate.
Wasn't honesty the best policy?
"Everybody needs somebody sometime, Joreth. We shouldn't have to ... go through everything alone. I - haven't had a hug in ages. Maybe years. And to be quite honest ... if that did happen, I'm pretty sure I would welcome it."
She ducked her head, huffing out an embarrassed chuckle, and then slowly glanced back up. "If we're going to be friends, we'll need to trust each other. So this is me saying that I trust you. I trust that you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, and I hope that you can trust me to do the same. You don't have to go back to the couch - the bed is big enough for us both."
He looked back at her for long moments, at a complete loss. At last, he let out a breath that was more sob than he could begin to explain; nodded his thanks, and lay back down.
Jyn waited, watching, barely breathing. She wondered what he had seen - what he had done - to cause such trauma, fear and pain and whatever else he was experiencing, but it was hardly her place to ask.
She might never know, but at the very least, she could offer some sense of comfort and safety. She would be everything she hated if she did anything less.
Jyn settled back down only after Joreth did, quiet as she offered the hint of a smile, and then slowly slid her hand across the bed, an offering - she wouldn't feel offended if he didn't take it. Maybe it would help to ground him. Maybe it wouldn't. But hopefully it wouldn't hurt to try.
Her smile was incredible. He felt enfolded by it; allowing him to unlock a bit more, sink further into the mattress. When her hand moved toward his, he finally found he didn't need to overthink. He just moved his hand up, too, to curl his fingers around her. He thought about kissing her hand. Decided not to. He just squeezed it, briefly, very gently, then let his hand also relax around hers.
He needed to say something, but nothing more difficult or complicated. At last: "Good night, again," he whispered.
Jyn finally let the last vestiges of stress and worry go in the instant that their fingers touched and she felt some little spark pass between them. Maybe it was just her imagination, maybe it was exhaustion, but she thought she felt something nonetheless.
"Good night, again", she repeated, just as softly. "Sleep well."
He wasn't tracking how much time passed. He listened to her breathing, synchronized his, felt their heartbeats also in accord, the warmth and electricity and very blood flowing through their touching fingertips, like a closed circuit… and felt more relaxed than he had in a very long time. Certainly for the first time on Coruscant. Probably even longer.
He wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep… but he also found he didn't quite care. There was rest here. But perhaps he was partway to drifting off, lowering his inhibitions and concerns, when he found himself starting to shift closer to her, his hand moving from her hand up to her shoulder, and murmured, "May I…?"
For once, the silence of the room didn't feel stifling. For once, Jyn didn't find herself consumed in her own thoughts. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the decadently plush pillows. Even if she didn't fall asleep quickly, she could take comfort in the contact - and selfishly, how good it felt for her not to be alone.
Her heartbeat and her breathing steadied, and a little at a time, fell back into rest, even though she wasn't quite sleeping yet. Just on the verge, she felt the motion of the bed and the traveling of his hand to her shoulder, and she hummed her response. "Mmhmm. 'S fine."
Trust. Permission granted. Cassian slipped his arm around her fully, his hand coming to rest flat on her back, pulling them slightly together until she was against his chest.
This was something he hadn't done, if he could avoid it, since… probably since Xilo. Where feeling trapped and desperate, they'd done the only thing in their power to control, and where falling asleep together could be mistaken for…
No. There's a reason you don't do this. Do not go falling in love with your 'wife'.
But he'd already done it. And my god, Force and skies, she felt so good there; warm and breathing, filling the hollow he always felt in his chest, solid and slight under his arm. He closed his eyes into her hair, breathing a little more shallowly, as if worried about his chest moving too much against her.
Jyn kept still, allowing Joreth to position himself - and her - however was the most comfortable for them both. When all was settled and she found herself clutched to his chest, her face fitting perfectly in the space between shoulder and neck.
Now, she was a little more awake, barely breathing for fear of displacing either of them - Jyn had never shared space with another person quite like this, and even her last familial hugs had happened so long ago ...
Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't want to have to move anytime soon. She wanted to stay here, right here for as long as she could. Tentatively, she let her fingers drift from his shoulder to his back and began tracing nondescript little patterns there, hoping he'd derive even more comfort from the reassuring gesture.
She closed her eyes and took in his warmth, how solid and real he was, how ... safe she felt within the confines of his embrace. Whatever she was expecting to feel ... it wasn't this.
He shivered a little at the trace of her fingers on his back. But he didn't want her to stop. To signal this, his fingers took up a similar, light pattern between her shoulderblades.
His other arm, the one beneath him, had been crooked under the pillow under his own head. He shifted it now to be under hers, supporting and propping her up. Closing another circuit: this one of himself around her. Hoping he wasn't trapping her—keeping alert for the merest movement she might make that indicated she wanted out, in which case, he'd instantly release her.
But she's not making any such move. Instead they're… loosening, melting, sinking deeper into one another. Like they'd been made to fit together. And he really hasn't felt this in… years upon years… maybe never? …and the idea of ever having to go without it again feels unthinkable…
No future. No past. Just now.
"Yes," he whispered back, cheek resting on her hair. "You? Okay?"
Jyn noticed - in fact, she stilled the motion of her fingers just in case it was an unspoken sign that it was having the opposite of what she had intended. But when he mirrored the gesture and she couldn't help shivering softly, she resumed her tracing.
She was comfortable enough, but all the more so after he shifted again, finding a way even in the dimness of the room to hold her more steady. Jyn needed a moment to gather her composure. She had taken care of herself for so long - trusted only herself - that all of tis felt a little too much a little too soon.
Still, she didn't want to have to call it to an end anytime soon, and he was being so careful with her, she was certain that if she started trembling, he'd think it was because she was uncomfortable adn the truth of the matter was -
She wasn't uncomfortable. Overwhelmed, but not uncomfortable. Jyn almost couldn't imagine not having this again now that she's experienced such simple complicated intimacy.
For the barest heartbeat, his arms tightened around her—just the way his hand had squeezed hers, before.
"Good," he whispered back.
On impulse—and a way to simultaneously address a real concern and perhaps lighten the mood—he murmured, "Deep dark secret number two. If you want to get free, but I've fallen asleep: my stomach's really ticklish."
Jyn closed her eyes tightly as she took a trembling breath, almost certain that she was being ridiculous - how could she possibly need something so much when this was the only time she had experienced it?
She hoped that the noise could be mistaken for a chuckle once Joreth spoke again and informed her about tentative escape plans ... not that she thought she would need to use the information. "Mm, I'll tuck that away for future reference, thank you. In the interest of being transparent, if you need to make an escape, my sides are really ticklish."
He couldn't imagine wanting to leave this embrace, and really she was letting him have the dominant position, where he wouldn't need her to do much of anything for him to get free. But the continued trust of trading vulnerabilities made his heart rise into his throat.
"I'll protect that intel with my life," he promised, sotto voce.
As his eyes drifted closed again. And he began to breathe more deeply. Feeling flooded and filled with the still-miraculous feel of her body against his; torsos, arms. Feeling—though this was, no matter how you looked at it, a compromising position: impeding his ability to react to anything outside of them, and making him so vulnerable to her—unrealistically safe.
He couldn't let himself relish this too much. Want it too much. Need it, at all.
But he already did.
And… y'know what…
He knew better than to reject moments of solace because they wouldn't last, or could get lost. That was war. Don't let them go to waste.
And… they were married. If they wanted… this could be their every night.
Until he left.
Shhh. No future. Just now.
A third time, he thought, Good night, Jyn. But didn't speak. Just let his breath continue to deepen and slow, and his muscles to relax around her.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 07:23 am (UTC)Jyn followed suit, sitting up in order to face him more fully. Even in the dim light of the room, she wanted him to see her face, watch her expressions, and know that whatever she said, she meant, and nothing was being offered in an attempt to placate.
Wasn't honesty the best policy?
"Everybody needs somebody sometime, Joreth. We shouldn't have to ... go through everything alone. I - haven't had a hug in ages. Maybe years. And to be quite honest ... if that did happen, I'm pretty sure I would welcome it."
She ducked her head, huffing out an embarrassed chuckle, and then slowly glanced back up. "If we're going to be friends, we'll need to trust each other. So this is me saying that I trust you. I trust that you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, and I hope that you can trust me to do the same. You don't have to go back to the couch - the bed is big enough for us both."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 01:42 pm (UTC)Don't do that.
But in this…
He looked back at her for long moments, at a complete loss. At last, he let out a breath that was more sob than he could begin to explain; nodded his thanks, and lay back down.
This time, facing her.
Managed at last to murmur, "I trust you, too."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:17 pm (UTC)She might never know, but at the very least, she could offer some sense of comfort and safety. She would be everything she hated if she did anything less.
Jyn settled back down only after Joreth did, quiet as she offered the hint of a smile, and then slowly slid her hand across the bed, an offering - she wouldn't feel offended if he didn't take it. Maybe it would help to ground him. Maybe it wouldn't. But hopefully it wouldn't hurt to try.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 10:59 pm (UTC)He needed to say something, but nothing more difficult or complicated. At last: "Good night, again," he whispered.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 12:11 am (UTC)"Good night, again", she repeated, just as softly. "Sleep well."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 01:45 am (UTC)It does, Kay. With you.
"I think I will," he said quietly. "Now."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 01:54 am (UTC)She didn't know if she would, but if she was lucky, and barring any more unexpected wakeups, maybe she could get a few more hours.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 02:01 am (UTC)He wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep… but he also found he didn't quite care. There was rest here. But perhaps he was partway to drifting off, lowering his inhibitions and concerns, when he found himself starting to shift closer to her, his hand moving from her hand up to her shoulder, and murmured, "May I…?"
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 02:55 am (UTC)Her heartbeat and her breathing steadied, and a little at a time, fell back into rest, even though she wasn't quite sleeping yet. Just on the verge, she felt the motion of the bed and the traveling of his hand to her shoulder, and she hummed her response. "Mmhmm. 'S fine."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 03:04 am (UTC)This was something he hadn't done, if he could avoid it, since… probably since Xilo. Where feeling trapped and desperate, they'd done the only thing in their power to control, and where falling asleep together could be mistaken for…
No. There's a reason you don't do this. Do not go falling in love with your 'wife'.
But he'd already done it. And my god, Force and skies, she felt so good there; warm and breathing, filling the hollow he always felt in his chest, solid and slight under his arm. He closed his eyes into her hair, breathing a little more shallowly, as if worried about his chest moving too much against her.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 03:53 am (UTC)Now, she was a little more awake, barely breathing for fear of displacing either of them - Jyn had never shared space with another person quite like this, and even her last familial hugs had happened so long ago ...
Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't want to have to move anytime soon. She wanted to stay here, right here for as long as she could. Tentatively, she let her fingers drift from his shoulder to his back and began tracing nondescript little patterns there, hoping he'd derive even more comfort from the reassuring gesture.
She closed her eyes and took in his warmth, how solid and real he was, how ... safe she felt within the confines of his embrace. Whatever she was expecting to feel ... it wasn't this.
"Better?", she asked, her voice soft, hesitant.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 04:10 am (UTC)His other arm, the one beneath him, had been crooked under the pillow under his own head. He shifted it now to be under hers, supporting and propping her up. Closing another circuit: this one of himself around her. Hoping he wasn't trapping her—keeping alert for the merest movement she might make that indicated she wanted out, in which case, he'd instantly release her.
But she's not making any such move. Instead they're… loosening, melting, sinking deeper into one another. Like they'd been made to fit together. And he really hasn't felt this in… years upon years… maybe never? …and the idea of ever having to go without it again feels unthinkable…
No future. No past. Just now.
"Yes," he whispered back, cheek resting on her hair. "You? Okay?"
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 04:47 am (UTC)She was comfortable enough, but all the more so after he shifted again, finding a way even in the dimness of the room to hold her more steady. Jyn needed a moment to gather her composure. She had taken care of herself for so long - trusted only herself - that all of tis felt a little too much a little too soon.
Still, she didn't want to have to call it to an end anytime soon, and he was being so careful with her, she was certain that if she started trembling, he'd think it was because she was uncomfortable adn the truth of the matter was -
She wasn't uncomfortable. Overwhelmed, but not uncomfortable. Jyn almost couldn't imagine not having this again now that she's experienced such simple
complicatedintimacy."Good. I'm good."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 04:57 am (UTC)For the barest heartbeat, his arms tightened around her—just the way his hand had squeezed hers, before.
"Good," he whispered back.
On impulse—and a way to simultaneously address a real concern and perhaps lighten the mood—he murmured, "Deep dark secret number two. If you want to get free, but I've fallen asleep: my stomach's really ticklish."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 05:11 am (UTC)She hoped that the noise could be mistaken for a chuckle once Joreth spoke again and informed her about tentative escape plans ... not that she thought she would need to use the information. "Mm, I'll tuck that away for future reference, thank you. In the interest of being transparent, if you need to make an escape, my sides are really ticklish."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-16 05:27 am (UTC)"I'll protect that intel with my life," he promised, sotto voce.
As his eyes drifted closed again. And he began to breathe more deeply. Feeling flooded and filled with the still-miraculous feel of her body against his; torsos, arms. Feeling—though this was, no matter how you looked at it, a compromising position: impeding his ability to react to anything outside of them, and making him so vulnerable to her—unrealistically safe.
He couldn't let himself relish this too much. Want it too much. Need it, at all.
But he already did.
And… y'know what…
He knew better than to reject moments of solace because they wouldn't last, or could get lost. That was war. Don't let them go to waste.
And… they were married. If they wanted… this could be their every night.
Until he left.
Shhh. No future. Just now.
A third time, he thought, Good night, Jyn. But didn't speak. Just let his breath continue to deepen and slow, and his muscles to relax around her.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 02:56 am (UTC)