…And that was what he was really worried about, too. Turning to her and… Did it make it better or worse that they both…?
He was glad, though, that they'd both smiled so much today. Not expected, and not, he had a feeling, something either of them did lightly. He was glad he could smile so easily now. "Good night, Jyn. …Thank you."
It would be foolish to assume that he felt the same sense of loneliness that she did - that he needed the comfort of simple contact like she did, that he had gotten something out of sharing his arm with her as they'd walked back from dinner, even though she knew, logically speaking, that it had mostly been a performative gesture done for the benefit of the pairs of eyes that had surely been watching.
It felt hopeful that they had reached an understanding - and it had been more than she had allowed herself to expect. So at least she felt like she could breathe a little bit and at least most of the smiles she had shared had not been just for show.
She wasn't sure what Joreth was thanking her for, but instead of making a self-deprecating joke or even incredulously asking why, Jyn just nodded and murmured the same. It had been a long day, and she was sure that she was not the only one that needed some rest.
"Sleep well", she offered as she took another step away. Who knew what the next day was going to bring, after all?
Running down the Academy steps to the motionless body, shrunken in collapse, the swirling starscape of its face gone flat; trying to take shelter behind it as explosions went off; standing over it and trying to defend it with a toy blaster, while bigger bodies ran past and knocked him over without noticing he was there
Squeezing into a Republic war machine, nearly losing his arm in the gears, managing to deposit a handful of pebbles and grit, the nightmare of claustrophobia and crushing machinery; only just getting himself back out in time, before it stuck and exploded; then realizing that he'd just killed the operators
Xilo looking at him from the wrong side of the lines, motionless but for her hair in the breeze; then her hand, so subtly, moving to the hidden detonator on her thigh; and her mouth shaped the syllable: Run
One grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face into the console; two others grabbed and pinned his wrists; another kicked his feet apart from behind, as they ripped down his fatigues; and it took all he had not to scream into his hidden comm for Kay to save him from what was about to happen
The parade of faces: with a smoking blaster burn where an eyeball should be, a caved-in skull, skin discolored from drowning or strangling, knife wounds, bruises, garrote, electrocution; Some clearly done in unavoidable defense. Some in mortal combat. Some with coldblooded surgical precision; or simply abandoned, not saved
From the couch, outside the bedroom, the sounds Cassian was making were loud enough to be heard inside; groans and cries and jumbled words in several languages, some that might be names—Khryw, Lyyxo, Surat, Draven, Xilo, Narede, Dorosz, Farir, d'Djiera, Kay—and thuds from his feet or his fists.
(And the conclusion that 'Talk in my sleep' had been a hell of an understatement.)
Jyn wasn't a heavy sleeper. At first, the little noises from beyond the door weren't bothersome at all - Joreth had informed her, after all, that he tended to listen to things in order to help him sleep.
But after a while, the noises were too much to ignore - not that Jyn was so callous to ignore someone when they were clearly in pain - and what she heard from the living quarters were desperate and terrified.
She slipped out of bed and pulled her thin robe on, careful as she tiptoed from the bedroom and out toward the couch. Her heart sank as in the dim light, she watched Joreth so tormented by whatever dreams he was having. What was she supposed to do in a situation like this? Was she supposed to let it pass on its own, was she supposed to try to wake him? What would leave him in the least amount of distress?
She couldn't stand to do nothing while he was clearly in pain. Carefully, cautiously, she crept closer, her voice as even as she could make it while she spoke to him in the hopes that it would get through whatever was wreaking havoc in his mind.
"Joreth, it's Jyn - you're having a nightmare", she started, her voice slowly raising in volume the closer she crept. She wouldn't sit next to him, not knowing how he would react to being touched, violently or otherwise. "But I'm here and I want to help you wake up. I'm afraid you might hurt yourself if you don't. If you can hear me, say something. Come on, wake up, you have to wake up. Wake up!"
Jyn looking up at him from below Simultaneously wary and trusting His hand moving to touch her face Instead finding, against his will, it going to her throat—
Then she spoke loudly. He started, and woke.
He blinked, staring at the back of the couch, trembling, trying to sort out his jumbled mind.
Slowly, he turned his head… and yes, she was there.
Pfassk… kriff… what did I say…? did she…?
One part humiliated, one part touched, three parts wondering how (and whether) to play this off…
He lifted his hand to rub over his face, partly to rouse himself, partly to hide it from her. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry."
She was there, sleep-rumpled but mostly concerned for her husband. Thankfully, though, it didn't take much more effort to cut through whatever dreams (memories) were tormenting him. He stilled, and other than the sound of his breathing for a long moment, all was quiet.
He turned his head to take her in, and Jyn felt a wave of relief wash over her - that was a good sign, right, that he was coherent and cognizant and safe from whatever he had been afraid of.
"Oh, thank the Force", she breathed, hardly even thinking about the implication of the words, shaking her head as he apologized, as though there was anything to apologize for. "It's alright", she tried to soothe, awkwardly, unsure of what she was allowed to do or to say, but wanting to help out somehow. "I'm here. You're going to be okay."
He wanted, suddenly, to climb into her (their) bed, wrap his arms around her, and fall back to sleep in her embrace. Thinking: that was the only way he could find real quiet and rest.
You don't know her. Stop it now.
He didn't want to, but he had to find out. Make sure he didn't need to do damage control. "Did I say anything?"
She wanted, momentarily, to invite him into her (their) bed, find a way to curl up close enough to offer comfort, and fall asleep in an effort to get some rest while it was still late enough (early enough?) to do so.
But she didn't know him, and didn't know that if he would see it as patronizing to extend the offer.
"Not as far as I could tell", she replied, taking a seat at the end of the couch, a soft sigh escaping her lips "Just - just noises."
He nodded. Feeling a new wash of embarrassment, but also satisfaction. It was his worst quality for being a spy: that he didn't sleep silently. (Though somehow when he was on a stakeout or in immediate hiding, he did. Survival instincts were an amazing thing. He seemed to do better when asleep in uncomfortable conditions—outdoors, on a hard surface, sitting up, etc—and worse when he was actually somewhere secure and cushioned.)
"Thank you," he said quietly, "for pulling me out. …You should get back to sleep while you can. I don't want to ruin your night."
"You don't have to thank you", she murmured, shrugging gently. "You would have done the same for me."
Did she believe that he was alright? Not a chance. But she also didn't want to make a wrong move, whether that was insisting that she stay for a little while, or ask if he wanted to come to bed, or ... any number of possibilities she found herself considering.
"You didn't ruin my night. I can - I can stay out here if you want to take the bed for a bit I don't mind, really."
Jyn was silent for a long - probably almost too-long moment. At first, she didn't offer an answer other than the soft, slow nodding of her head. It's not that she was uncomfortable with the idea of sharing! She was just surprised, that's all, and maybe it was because she was still hazy with sleep, or maybe it was due to his earlier insistence that the couch would be fine ...
But as she slowly offered her hand, it was with a steady expression that was more akin to and understanding and an acceptance rather than any sort of pity. She had nightmares, too, not that he could know, and sometimes ...
Well. She had woken up disoriented and scared, too, too many times to recall. Maybe knowing that he wasn't alone would help. And sharing a bed seemed such a simple thing to do.
"Yeah", she replied, quickly licking her dry lips. "We can do that."
Skies, he hoped she meant it… he hoped she wasn't being self-sacrificing for his sake… he hoped he could be forgiven for accepting the answer and taking her hand, to stand. Then not immediately letting go. But just stood there a moment, holding her hand, looking down at it.
He found words, finally—even possibly lighthearted ones: "If you end up having to kick me back out, I'll understand." More intently, "But thank you."
Jyn could be cold. Her words could (and had) cut others directly to the bone. She could be impatient and she could easily say all the right things, even if she didn't mean them. She had to, sometimes, just to get through some days. But she wasn't acting now.
She simply - gently - squeezed Joreth's hand reassuringly. No, this was not exactly what most people expected of a first night as a married couple, but if he was in distress, she was not going to make it worse.
"We'll manage", she replied. "Grab your pillow, we'll go lay down."
Something loosened in his chest. He breathed; then smiled. Released her hand in order to do as she said: turned around and grabbed the pillow and blanket. Then nodded for her to lead the way.
Jyn smiled, too. She smiled and took a deep breath as he set to retrieving the pillow and blanket, and then took the first few steps away from the couch and toward the bedroom. Surely, it couldn't be that difficult. It was only sleep.
He followed her in. He saw which side of the bed she'd been closer to, and crossed to the other side to replace the pillow and blanket. Before getting into the bed himself, he hesitated and looked at her one more time.
Jyn sighed once they were in the bedroom, and turned her attention to undoing her thin robe and shrugging out of it, leaving her in loose pants and a sleeveless shirt, careful as she sat and tried to watch Joreth without being obvious that she was (still) checking up on him. "It's fine", she murmured, nodding gently. "When you're ready."
Soft. She wasn't used to being so ... soft. But the situation called for it, she felt, and so, she would try.
There were so many things he'd known he would never do, that, for the Rebellion, he'd ended up doing.
He'd still never…
He hoped he never would…
…he'd given up his own comfort and wants when it came to a sex life, subsuming all such behavior for missions and the cause. But the only not-truly-consenting party would only ever be himself.
He didn't think for a moment tonight would go in that direction. But he didn't want to impose or force anything. And he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to resist… just… reaching out for her.
She'll be close. Make that be enough.
He nodded back, expression showing his gratitude for the way she was… caring for him, in all this. And carefully lay down, a bit closer than customary to the edge of the mattress to leave ample room between them; didn't have the strength of will to turn his back on her, wasn't so far gone as to face her, so stayed on his back. And focused on slowing his breath. Maybe, with heightened awareness, matching it to hers.
Jyn made sure that every movement she made was careful and deliberate in an attempt to keep from startling him all the more. So she slid back underneath her blanket and stretched out in bed - a little closer to the edge than she would normally sleep, and laid on her back, even though she knew that once she slipped back into sleep, she would turn onto her side.
She felt that turning her back to Joreth would feel dismissive, which she did not want. But she also felt that turning the other way and facing him would feel a little too ... intimate. So, for the moment, this would have to do.
The last thing on her mind was anything other than getting a few more hours of sleep. What kind of a monster would she be to make an attempt to initiate now? No, that wasn't her, and this wasn't that, and all she wanted to do - if Joreth was amenable - was to try to offer him some sense of comfort.
...
She didn't know if she would be able to refrain, even in sleep, from reaching out to touch, a hand, an arm, just to maintain some contact, a physical reminder that he wasn't alone.
Try honesty. It was what had worked best between them, so far. And if he didn't want to manipulate… (though one could also manipulate with truth…)
Try. Just… try.
"I'm worried," he breathed back. "That I might… in my sleep… cross a line. With you. …I don't mean… I mean, just: put an arm around you, or something. I don't want to do anything… not wanted. And I wouldn't want you to let me if… you didn't really…" Pfassk. He closed his eyes and shook his head, and sat up. "I'm sorry. This is probably… I should go back outside."
Jyn followed suit, sitting up in order to face him more fully. Even in the dim light of the room, she wanted him to see her face, watch her expressions, and know that whatever she said, she meant, and nothing was being offered in an attempt to placate.
Wasn't honesty the best policy?
"Everybody needs somebody sometime, Joreth. We shouldn't have to ... go through everything alone. I - haven't had a hug in ages. Maybe years. And to be quite honest ... if that did happen, I'm pretty sure I would welcome it."
She ducked her head, huffing out an embarrassed chuckle, and then slowly glanced back up. "If we're going to be friends, we'll need to trust each other. So this is me saying that I trust you. I trust that you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, and I hope that you can trust me to do the same. You don't have to go back to the couch - the bed is big enough for us both."
He looked back at her for long moments, at a complete loss. At last, he let out a breath that was more sob than he could begin to explain; nodded his thanks, and lay back down.
Jyn waited, watching, barely breathing. She wondered what he had seen - what he had done - to cause such trauma, fear and pain and whatever else he was experiencing, but it was hardly her place to ask.
She might never know, but at the very least, she could offer some sense of comfort and safety. She would be everything she hated if she did anything less.
Jyn settled back down only after Joreth did, quiet as she offered the hint of a smile, and then slowly slid her hand across the bed, an offering - she wouldn't feel offended if he didn't take it. Maybe it would help to ground him. Maybe it wouldn't. But hopefully it wouldn't hurt to try.
Her smile was incredible. He felt enfolded by it; allowing him to unlock a bit more, sink further into the mattress. When her hand moved toward his, he finally found he didn't need to overthink. He just moved his hand up, too, to curl his fingers around her. He thought about kissing her hand. Decided not to. He just squeezed it, briefly, very gently, then let his hand also relax around hers.
He needed to say something, but nothing more difficult or complicated. At last: "Good night, again," he whispered.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-06-14 06:33 am (UTC)He was glad, though, that they'd both smiled so much today. Not expected, and not, he had a feeling, something either of them did lightly. He was glad he could smile so easily now. "Good night, Jyn. …Thank you."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-14 03:33 pm (UTC)It felt hopeful that they had reached an understanding - and it had been more than she had allowed herself to expect. So at least she felt like she could breathe a little bit and at least most of the smiles she had shared had not been just for show.
She wasn't sure what Joreth was thanking her for, but instead of making a self-deprecating joke or even incredulously asking why, Jyn just nodded and murmured the same. It had been a long day, and she was sure that she was not the only one that needed some rest.
"Sleep well", she offered as she took another step away. Who knew what the next day was going to bring, after all?
cw: past violence & noncon -- LMK if this is okay?
Date: 2019-06-15 12:18 am (UTC)Sometime between midnight and dawn, it started.
Running down the Academy steps to the motionless body, shrunken in collapse, the swirling starscape of its face gone flat; trying to take shelter behind it as explosions went off; standing over it and trying to defend it with a toy blaster, while bigger bodies ran past and knocked him over without noticing he was there
Squeezing into a Republic war machine, nearly losing his arm in the gears, managing to deposit a handful of pebbles and grit, the nightmare of claustrophobia and crushing machinery; only just getting himself back out in time, before it stuck and exploded; then realizing that he'd just killed the operators
Xilo looking at him from the wrong side of the lines, motionless but for her hair in the breeze; then her hand, so subtly, moving to the hidden detonator on her thigh; and her mouth shaped the syllable: Run
One grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face into the console; two others grabbed and pinned his wrists; another kicked his feet apart from behind, as they ripped down his fatigues; and it took all he had not to scream into his hidden comm for Kay to save him from what was about to happen
The parade of faces: with a smoking blaster burn where an eyeball should be, a caved-in skull, skin discolored from drowning or strangling, knife wounds, bruises, garrote, electrocution; Some clearly done in unavoidable defense.
Some in mortal combat.
Some with coldblooded surgical precision;
or simply abandoned, not saved
From the couch, outside the bedroom, the sounds Cassian was making were loud enough to be heard inside; groans and cries and jumbled words in several languages, some that might be names—Khryw, Lyyxo, Surat, Draven, Xilo, Narede, Dorosz, Farir, d'Djiera, Kay—and thuds from his feet or his fists.
(And the conclusion that 'Talk in my sleep' had been a hell of an understatement.)
hahaha who needs a heart anyway
Date: 2019-06-15 03:22 am (UTC)But after a while, the noises were too much to ignore - not that Jyn was so callous to ignore someone when they were clearly in pain - and what she heard from the living quarters were desperate and terrified.
She slipped out of bed and pulled her thin robe on, careful as she tiptoed from the bedroom and out toward the couch. Her heart sank as in the dim light, she watched Joreth so tormented by whatever dreams he was having. What was she supposed to do in a situation like this? Was she supposed to let it pass on its own, was she supposed to try to wake him? What would leave him in the least amount of distress?
She couldn't stand to do nothing while he was clearly in pain. Carefully, cautiously, she crept closer, her voice as even as she could make it while she spoke to him in the hopes that it would get through whatever was wreaking havoc in his mind.
"Joreth, it's Jyn - you're having a nightmare", she started, her voice slowly raising in volume the closer she crept. She wouldn't sit next to him, not knowing how he would react to being touched, violently or otherwise. "But I'm here and I want to help you wake up. I'm afraid you might hurt yourself if you don't. If you can hear me, say something. Come on, wake up, you have to wake up. Wake up!"
d'awww <3
Date: 2019-06-15 03:45 am (UTC)…Oh… right
At first, her voice seemed like another dream.
Jyn looking up at him from below
Simultaneously wary and trusting
His hand moving to touch her face
Instead finding, against his will, it going to her throat—
Then she spoke loudly. He started, and woke.
He blinked, staring at the back of the couch, trembling, trying to sort out his jumbled mind.
Slowly, he turned his head… and yes, she was there.
Pfassk… kriff… what did I say…? did she…?
One part humiliated, one part touched, three parts wondering how (and whether) to play this off…
He lifted his hand to rub over his face, partly to rouse himself, partly to hide it from her. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 04:17 am (UTC)He turned his head to take her in, and Jyn felt a wave of relief wash over her - that was a good sign, right, that he was coherent and cognizant and safe from whatever he had been afraid of.
"Oh, thank the Force", she breathed, hardly even thinking about the implication of the words, shaking her head as he apologized, as though there was anything to apologize for. "It's alright", she tried to soothe, awkwardly, unsure of what she was allowed to do or to say, but wanting to help out somehow. "I'm here. You're going to be okay."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 04:27 am (UTC)You don't know her. Stop it now.
He didn't want to, but he had to find out. Make sure he didn't need to do damage control. "Did I say anything?"
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Date: 2019-06-15 04:35 am (UTC)But she didn't know him, and didn't know that if he would see it as patronizing to extend the offer.
"Not as far as I could tell", she replied, taking a seat at the end of the couch, a soft sigh escaping her lips "Just - just noises."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 04:44 am (UTC)"Thank you," he said quietly, "for pulling me out. …You should get back to sleep while you can. I don't want to ruin your night."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 04:55 am (UTC)Did she believe that he was alright? Not a chance. But she also didn't want to make a wrong move, whether that was insisting that she stay for a little while, or ask if he wanted to come to bed, or ... any number of possibilities she found herself considering.
"You didn't ruin my night. I can - I can stay out here if you want to take the bed for a bit I don't mind, really."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:08 am (UTC)…what was too much to put on another person…?
…why did he even feel [anything?!] this way, when he'd largely succeeded in living his life alone…?
… …
…how could he not?
He swallowed. Not knowing how to do this, thinking he almost certainly shouldn't, but unable to move forward any other way.
"Are you…" Breathe. "…still…" Calm down. Cool it. "…comfortable with…" …gotta commit now don't you… "…sharing?"
Bad idea bad idea bad idea
Surely lying down beside her and not touching her would be even worse, much harder, than just staying in separate rooms.
But it was a physical impossibility for him not even to ask it, now.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:34 am (UTC)But as she slowly offered her hand, it was with a steady expression that was more akin to and understanding and an acceptance rather than any sort of pity. She had nightmares, too, not that he could know, and sometimes ...
Well. She had woken up disoriented and scared, too, too many times to recall. Maybe knowing that he wasn't alone would help. And sharing a bed seemed such a simple thing to do.
"Yeah", she replied, quickly licking her dry lips. "We can do that."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:42 am (UTC)He found words, finally—even possibly lighthearted ones: "If you end up having to kick me back out, I'll understand." More intently, "But thank you."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:57 am (UTC)She simply - gently - squeezed Joreth's hand reassuringly. No, this was not exactly what most people expected of a first night as a married couple, but if he was in distress, she was not going to make it worse.
"We'll manage", she replied. "Grab your pillow, we'll go lay down."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:16 am (UTC)Soft. She wasn't used to being so ... soft. But the situation called for it, she felt, and so, she would try.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:25 am (UTC)There were so many things he'd known he would never do, that, for the Rebellion, he'd ended up doing.
He'd still never…
He hoped he never would…
…he'd given up his own comfort and wants when it came to a sex life, subsuming all such behavior for missions and the cause. But the only not-truly-consenting party would only ever be himself.
He didn't think for a moment tonight would go in that direction. But he didn't want to impose or force anything. And he wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to resist… just… reaching out for her.
She'll be close. Make that be enough.
He nodded back, expression showing his gratitude for the way she was… caring for him, in all this. And carefully lay down, a bit closer than customary to the edge of the mattress to leave ample room between them; didn't have the strength of will to turn his back on her, wasn't so far gone as to face her, so stayed on his back. And focused on slowing his breath. Maybe, with heightened awareness, matching it to hers.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 06:51 am (UTC)She felt that turning her back to Joreth would feel dismissive, which she did not want. But she also felt that turning the other way and facing him would feel a little too ... intimate. So, for the moment, this would have to do.
The last thing on her mind was anything other than getting a few more hours of sleep. What kind of a monster would she be to make an attempt to initiate now? No, that wasn't her, and this wasn't that, and all she wanted to do - if Joreth was amenable - was to try to offer him some sense of comfort.
...
She didn't know if she would be able to refrain, even in sleep, from reaching out to touch, a hand, an arm, just to maintain some contact, a physical reminder that he wasn't alone.
"Is ... this good?"
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 07:01 am (UTC)…
…
Try honesty. It was what had worked best between them, so far. And if he didn't want to manipulate… (though one could also manipulate with truth…)
Try. Just… try.
"I'm worried," he breathed back. "That I might… in my sleep… cross a line. With you. …I don't mean… I mean, just: put an arm around you, or something. I don't want to do anything… not wanted. And I wouldn't want you to let me if… you didn't really…" Pfassk. He closed his eyes and shook his head, and sat up. "I'm sorry. This is probably… I should go back outside."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 07:23 am (UTC)Jyn followed suit, sitting up in order to face him more fully. Even in the dim light of the room, she wanted him to see her face, watch her expressions, and know that whatever she said, she meant, and nothing was being offered in an attempt to placate.
Wasn't honesty the best policy?
"Everybody needs somebody sometime, Joreth. We shouldn't have to ... go through everything alone. I - haven't had a hug in ages. Maybe years. And to be quite honest ... if that did happen, I'm pretty sure I would welcome it."
She ducked her head, huffing out an embarrassed chuckle, and then slowly glanced back up. "If we're going to be friends, we'll need to trust each other. So this is me saying that I trust you. I trust that you'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, and I hope that you can trust me to do the same. You don't have to go back to the couch - the bed is big enough for us both."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 01:42 pm (UTC)Don't do that.
But in this…
He looked back at her for long moments, at a complete loss. At last, he let out a breath that was more sob than he could begin to explain; nodded his thanks, and lay back down.
This time, facing her.
Managed at last to murmur, "I trust you, too."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 05:17 pm (UTC)She might never know, but at the very least, she could offer some sense of comfort and safety. She would be everything she hated if she did anything less.
Jyn settled back down only after Joreth did, quiet as she offered the hint of a smile, and then slowly slid her hand across the bed, an offering - she wouldn't feel offended if he didn't take it. Maybe it would help to ground him. Maybe it wouldn't. But hopefully it wouldn't hurt to try.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-15 10:59 pm (UTC)He needed to say something, but nothing more difficult or complicated. At last: "Good night, again," he whispered.
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