Open RP Post

[candor1]

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for WHEREHOPEGOES

[candor1]

They'd escaped from Scarif only to be parted in the evacuation of Yavin 4.

Cassian, who'd spent his life alone except for Kay, couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand to sit or lie down, could only stand staring out of viewscreens or pacing the halls.

After sticking at one another's sides every moment after Scarif, they simply hadn't been together when the alarms sounded and they had to get to transports. Taking the time to find one another would have been a breach of protocol, at the cost to others.

But when he'd looked out of his own transport and seen the Imperial ships starting to descend on the Massassi Temple, he couldn't stop all the imaginings. Jyn not getting out after all. Jyn in Imperial custody. Jyn tortured… executed…

When the blazes were they going to get to Hoth and he could karking well find her??

[wherehopegoes]

When the klaxons sounded, sending personnel scattering in all directions, Jyn wasn't with Cassian. For the first time in their shared recovery, she was attending a psychological evaluation (trauma? what trauma? clearly she was in tip-top shape and ready for whatever was going to happen next ... ) and Cassian was enduring physical therapy to strengthen still lingering injuries from his fall.

When the klaxons sounded, Jyn had no choice but to follow the crowds to the hangars, to board the first transport that was able to accommodate her, and to hope beyond all hope that somehow, he had managed to escape, too.

She would have fought through the crowds to find him, there just hadn't been any time. As she stared blankly through the windows and watched more and more Imp ships coming into view, she prayed that he wasn't still there, hadn't stayed behind in order to ensure someone else had gotten out, wasn't captured or hurt or worse, and tried not to let the burning of her throat and her eyes overtake her completely.

She would see him again. She had to.

[candor1]

They couldn't send messages between ships so there was no roster to check. Cassian helped take the information for everyone on their own transport, trying to keep his mind focused. Jyn captured. Jyn tortured. Jyn stranded. Jyn dead.

There was no reason to suppose she hadn't made it off Yavin…

There was no reason to suppose she had…

Cassian did his job diligently, knowing as soon as they landed, more than half the occupants of this ship would be doing exactly what he wanted to do: check the rosters of the other ships for their loved ones. That was why you had to just get on a transport: everyone would be delaying if they tried to reunite first.

It wasn't Cassian's first evacuation. But it was his first time being among those who had a loved one to agonize about.

…loved one

What would Jyn think about being considered that…? in all the time since Scarif, they hadn't really talked about…

Please, please let us have the chance

[wherehopegoes]

The waiting was the hardest part. The waiting and the wondering and the worrying. And Jyn tried desperately not to get bogged down in what ifs and worst case scenarios, but it was impossible to keep the insidious thoughts from creeping through, because it wasn't as though she had anything else to do in order to keep her mind occupied.

What if Cassian had stayed behind? What if he was intercepted in the rush to escape? What if he was being interrogated - tortured aboard one of those Imperial ships? What if they'd shot first without asking any questions?

What if ...

Jyn was pulled from her thoughts by a young girl sniffling nearby - barely out of her teens, younger than Jyn thought she ever had the opportunity to act or feel or be, and although shifting over and asking what was wrong was against every instinct she had, did it anyway, her frown deepening as the girl said that she'd been separated from her brother and didn't know if he'd managed to board one of the other transports before they lifted off.

She reassured the girl that when they landed, they would check the rosters, they would look, that she wouldn't leave her alone until they knew. And the girl thanked her profusely, even though her worry was still clear in her expression.

And when she asked if Jyn had anyone to look for, family, a loved one -

Was he? Were they? It wasn't as though they had ever broached that particular subject, but thought that it was obvious - at least to her - that he was so much more than just someone she worked with, more than just a colleague or a friend or ...

There was still so much they hadn't discussed and she hoped in the midst of all her fear that they would still get the opportunity.

Please. I've lost everyone I've ever cared about, not him too, not now, please ...

[candor1]

Nobody except the highest in command knew where they'd be going next. But they started handing out thermal gear, so when they emerged from hyperspace around Hoth, it wasn't a complete surprise. Cassian looked down at the smooth blue-white planet and felt claustrophobic. But simultaneously furiously impatient to get down there.

Everyone would have to land; if there wasn't a base they'd have to refit one the transports as a temporary one; if there was they'd have to set it up; and during that, yes, some of the droids would be compiling the ships' rosters for room assignments… and reunions. But Cassian wouldn't be able to check them until…

Unless he pulled rank…

Stop it. It wasn't fair. There were others in the same boat, or worse.

…No. Not worse. Because when you realize you've been incomplete without someone before you finally met them…

Oh gods and skies please shut up… Jyn just be there. Okay? Promise me you'll be there.

…Force. Promise me.

[wherehopegoes]

Somewhat ridiculously, when the thermal gear was handed out and Jyn got an idea of where their final destination was going to be - she couldn't help wondering (worrying) if Cassian had gotten off Yavin with his parka in tow.

He'd worn it on Jedha, which was a fraction of the frigidity that Hoth was going to prove to be. She hoped he'd managed to bring it with him in the rush to get off-world.

She hoped he'd made it onto a transport at all ...

Patience wasn't exactly Jyn Erso's strong suit, but there wasn't much that she could do but sit and wait and hope that once disembarked, even in the chaos of others looking for colleagues, friends, family, lovers and other loved ones.

Strange, to be considered any of those things. Strange, to have someone to consider a friend, a loved one ... and she didn't even know how Cassian felt about her, and maybe the greatest tragedy was that she might never know and -

No, she couldn't think like that. He was fine. He'd been in worse situations (she could still feel the grains of sand from Scarif Beach, the searing heat as it neared closer - ) and survived and this was nothing.

They'd see each other again. She needed to be certain of that. She needed something to hold on to, after all, she needed a thought to center her in the midst of all the uncertainty.

Cassian. Please be there. Please - this can't be the end. I still need you.

[candor1]

There was a base. Thank you, Force. Cassian instantly threw himself into whatever duties were handed him to get the place up and running as quickly as possible. Even though what he wanted to be doing was stand in the hangar and watch every single person disembark until he saw who he was looking for.

The command center was operational and the rooms heated by the time Cassian could check in at the tarmac. There was a wait to get to the droid with the roster—of course their was, nobody could stand to go anywhere without…

Cassian got in line, sort of, but his eyes were scanning the hangar, his hands fisted at his sides. Was this every transport? Had they all gotten away? He didn't hear any sobbing or wailing which was a very good sign. What he did hear was his comm ping at him. No! But of course he answered, and tore himself off the tarmac as Draven summoned him for another task.

Once in the situation room, however, Cassian could no longer contain himself. (How many times was this now he put her ahead of the mission…)

"General," said Cassian, "I won't be helpful to you until I find Jyn Erso."

Draven's eyebrows raised, but he didn't seem particularly surprised. "All transports got away. I'm sure she's fine and you'll see her when things get—"

"I need to find her now," said Cassian. Interrupting.

Draven's brows lifted further. But, mercifully, he nodded and gestured Cassian was released. Cassian saluted and started as fast as he could back to the hangar bay.

[wherehopegoes]

Jyn's transport was one of the last that landed. She wanted to jump to her feet and rush into the hangar in the instant that they touched down, but she had made a promise, and she was going to live up to it.

Making sure that the girl was by her side, they began lining up to make their way onto their new base on frigid Hoth, which was a far cry from the jungles of Yavin.

Was Cassian somewhere among the crowd - would she find him immediately - would she only see him in flashes here or there before his eyes found hers and they ...

It was difficult to push through multitudes of bodies milling about, so Jyn suggested that they wait in line to check the rosters while keeping an eye out in case the girl's brother was doing the same. Two pairs of eyes had to be better than one ...

So they stood together - they stood and waited and moved paltry inches at a time as people checked the roster and stepped away to find their lodgings, or to get back to work, and Jyn wondered ...

Cassian. Where are you?

[candor1]

"Jyn!"

Cassian was highly trained to work a crowd. Still, as he slipped through gaps between people that only existed for an instant, worked the flow of the room to his favor, it was all he could do not to push his friends and allies out of the way in his haste to get to her side.

Then he was there and before he could think about it he'd caught her in his arms and was holding her tightly, whispering her name.

[wherehopegoes]

It should not have come as much of a surprise that Cassian found her first. But Jyn's heart still stopped as she heard her voice called out above the din of the crowd, and her head shot up as she frantically scanned the assembled faces to find him among the crowd.

Before she even thought about barreling her way through all the bodies separating them, he was there and pulling her into his arms, and holding her as though he might never let her go again, so tightly that she could barely breathe ... or maybe that was because in her desperation to keep from crying her relief that he was there, her throat burned just as the tears prickling her eyelids did, too.

"Cassian - "

[candor1]

His fingers slipped through her hair against her cheek. He drew back to look at her and… only just stopped himself from kissing her. No. No, if that were to happen, it wouldn't be a reflex or an ambush. It would be a choice.

"I'm sorry," he heard himself saying instead. "I wasn't with you. I'm so sorry."

[wherehopegoes]

Jyn almost felt disappointment when in the wake of how desperately Cassian was holding onto her, how intensely he was looking her over, no kiss came, but maybe now just ... wasn't the right time, if there was such a thing. Besides, her relief in seeing that he'd made it off-world eclipsed all else, and all she wanted was to forget about everything around them and give in to the urge to keep him in her arms even longer.

"Doesn't matter - ", she answered, her voice raw with emotion that she couldn't hold back. "You're here now."

[candor1]

He wrapped his arms around her again, holding her like he needed her to staunch a chest wound, and said muffled into her shoulder, "So are you."

He raised his head this time at the sight of the teenager looking on. "Friend of yours?"

[wherehopegoes]

Finally, it felt like her heart was able to begin beating once again. And while she wanted to promise that nothing was going to take her away, Jyn knew that she couldn't. She was here now, though, and that was what counted.

She didn't have to tear her attention away from Cassian to know who he was referring to. "Yes. I promised I'd help her find her brother. Did - did all the transports make it?"

[candor1]

He nodded, then moved to stand facing the girl—without relinquishing one arm snug around Jyn. "Yes. All the transports are accounted for." He hesitated. He could pull rank, get them to the head of the line, but it was no more ethical or fair just because he'd be doing it for someone other than himself. Instead, he held out his hand to invited the girl to stand closer to them. "The wait's never more than five minutes. The droids are very used to this procedure."

[wherehopegoes]

Jyn hardly found cause to argue, even though the gesture was so open and obvious. Of course, having just relocated to new base on a new planet, most of the people milling about hadn't really noticed, concerned with better things entirely.

The girl - Jyn still didn't know her name - looked from her to Cassian, and finally broke into a small smile, nodding her understanding. "Thank you, sir, thank you so much!"

Jyn tentatively rested her head against Cassian's shoulder, closing her eyes to offer a silent prayer to deities she wasn't sure even existed that they'd found each other in all the chaos.

[candor1]

Cassian's arm tightened ever so slightly around her. He pressed his face momentarily to the top of her head in what might have been a kiss.

As the line persisted, Cassian regretfully pulled away from Jyn to address them both. "I might be able to help speed this up from the control room. But I can't take either of you with me." He looked at the girl. "Tell me your names and I'll make sure you and your brother are assigned to the same quarters if you want." Then at Jyn. "I'll find you at your quarters once I can get away?"

[wherehopegoes]

Jyn was not unaware of the gesture - she just wasn't certain of what it meant.

And of course, now was not the right time to broach the subject, and she wasn't even sure of how she was going to go about it, and she was grateful for the distraction of the crowd still milling about around them, and the task at hand, which was nearing the head of the line to find out about the girl's brother.

If she was disappointed when Cassian pulled away, she didn't let it show, simply nodding her understanding of the plan as it was explained, only tearing her attention away when the girl spoke up, offering her name as Soraya Zel and her brother as Xoren, and thanking them both profusely for their help.

And then, her expression ... hopeful ... Jyn met Cassian's gaze again. "Yes. I'll be waiting."

[candor1]

Rebellions are built on hope. The way she'd looked at him then, with the Jedhan sunlight on her face... he wanted again to kiss her, but wanted again their first kiss to be something other than this chaos.

(Did that mean he was planning on a first kiss? Don't presume, Andor.)

But he caught and squeezed her hand, then nodded to Soraya and took off back toward Command, as he'd promised Draven.

He tore through every assignment he was given at top speed, including finding the Zel siblings and making sure they would find one another, but it was still two hours before he could extricate himself without feeling like he was doing a disservice to anyone.

(Anyone other than Jyn. Would she still be waiting?)

He found her quarters and knocked.

[wherehopegoes]

Cassian wasn't the only one who wanted a kiss. Jyn had thought that maybe, in that hangar on Yavin, when he'd said welcome home ... and then again in the lift or that beach. And even if it hadn't meant anything more than a wordless thank you for coming back for her, thank you for being here at the end ... it would have been enough.

But now, his arm around her, the way he looked at her, and she thought ... maybe there was a reason they had been dancing around something since then. And maybe ...

Well, she couldn't concentrate on that just yet when she had promised Soraya she would help the girl find her brother, and the intended upon living up to that promise. So she returned the squeeze, and took a moment to steel her nerves, and reassured Soraya that she would be reunited with her remaining family eventually.

And after some time, when that became a reality, and the siblings were hugging each other tight, tears flowing, Jyn stole away to her own quarters, to try to settle, or rest, but mostly ... to wait.

And when the knock came (he was here, he was really here!) she practically leaped at it in order to open it as quickly as possible.

[candor1]

He hadn't planned it. He wasn't even thinking about it. But as soon as the door opened, both of Cassian's hands went to Jyn's face, fingertips slipping under her hair to frame her cheeks, and he kissed her.

[wherehopegoes]

Jyn wasn't expecting it, if her startled little gasp was any indication. But she didn't wrench away from Cassian's gentle grasp, didn't push him away or even ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. If anything, she leaned into him as if she was seeking the comfort of his contact, curled her fingers into his jacket, and held on tight.

She returned the kiss.

[candor1]

Her gasp had nearly made him pull away, when her hands on his jacket pulled him back. He hadn't meant to, but he meant it now, as he continued to kiss her, one hand pulling free only to fumble for the doorway and gently move them through and inside it.

[wherehopegoes]

Cassian may not have intended it, but now that it was happening, Jyn didn't want it to have to end. And even as they stumbled through the doorway, into her quarters instead of out in the hall where anyone passing by would see.

And Jyn hoped that somewhere within her kisses - a little messy, a lot desperate, needy and relieved and so wanting - Cassian could somehow feel exactly what she felt for him.

The words were too hard. But this, at least, was easier

[candor1]

Falling inside the room, inside the kiss, Cassian wrapped both arms around her and held on tight, keeping himself from falling through the molecules of the planet into space. He just wanted this to go on, go deeper, more...

But words, especially hard ones, should be said, after a lifetime (for him) of not saying anything he wanted to, it shouldn't be that way with Jyn; so perhaps unnecessary in one way but not another, he pulled back only far enough to breathe, "I couldn't find you. I didn't look. I followed procedure. I'm so sorry."