Jyn thought she understood completely. She didn't have to hide behind an alias with Cassian, and now, she knew that she didn't have to hide her feelings either - because he felt the same. "Like - ", she began, her brow furrowing slightly as she tried to find the right words, "I can breathe when I'm with you."
She met his eyes, an understanding clear in her gaze, even as she took another moment just to breathe, recalling the beach, holding each other tight, and feeling nothing but peace as she waited for the end to come. "Yeah. I was - I wasn't ... scared I had you and I felt ... still."
Just like now. She could just be with Cassian. She could breathe, and do nothing more than simply feel content with him, all wrapped up in the relative quiet. It was ... enough.
He wondered whether to tell her that first time since Carida meant first time since he was six. He decided not. Not that he didn't want her knowing; just that he didn't feel like disturbing their peace with things like that. (She had childhood trauma, too.)
Especially when neither of them had anywhere to be. And, also for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt safe, even desirable, to just lie here and breathe and listen, not worrying about external threat or intrusive thoughts, safe enough even to drift off to sleep.
There was still so much to talk about, and Jyn hoped that they would have enough time to share it all. Maybe not all at once, but eventually. Especially not now, while they were quiet and tired (in all the best ways), warm and wrapped up with each other.
Not while they had the time to do little but enjoy having the time to be together, if they talked more or if they didn't, if they fell asleep or simply relished in a peace neither had known since they were children.
Humans were one of the relatively few species who rested their entire brain at once: closed both eyes and went fully unconscious. Many other animals only rested half their brain at a time, and slept with literally one eye open.
It felt to Cassian like he'd been sleeping with one eye open most of his life. Right now, with Jyn, for the first time in years, he went fully and deeply to sleep.
The down side to that was that it allowed him to dream.
on the broad steps to carida academy the tall man crumpled and the boy ran out from cover brandishing a toy blaster and uselessly trying to defend the man with it
he deposited a handful of grit into the gears finding the right ones despite biting his lip to bloodiness to not think about the terror of being inside the war machine the moving parts that enclosed and could crush or maim him he was small and slipped out again and cheered with the rest to see the machine explode but in his dreams for the rest of his life, as he hadn't at the time he saw the operators trapped inside burning alive because of him
he fought so hard - whirling around and around himself - couldn't stop if he wanted to and he did want to but frightened at the momentum - at how it went on without his own consent - at how he was trapped in it and couldn't break out of it until suddenly it was done - he was still - looking down at the bodies splayed out around him and though they'd been stormtroopers a moment ago now they were everyone he cared about and had been trying to protect
screaming at kay not to leave him alone
making love to jyn suddenly her kyber pendant in his hand as he throttled her with the cord his hand on a blaster firing into her stomach her lips going black because he was poison her body pregnant from him but it was blood and knives that tore her coming out her going limp and face turning blue and he could do absolutely nothing
No wonder he never allowed himself to fully sleep. If he'd thrashed and screamed like this on assignment…
Jyn was no strangers to nightmares. More often than not, she woke up a panting, sweating mess after having found herself back on Lah'mu, Jedha, Scarif, any number of other places that she had borne witness to or been part of terrible, terrible things.
But lying tangled up with Cassian, she found the type of rest that she never thought possible - blessedly free from nightmares. She woke suddenly, pulled from her dreamless sleep by a blood-chilling scream, almost tossed from the little bed by Cassian's wildly flailing arms and legs.
Still, she held her ground as she tried to wake him from whatever hellscape he was trapped inside. She couldn't hold him down - he'd fight back. She couldn't be gentle, either, othewise he'd never hear her.
"Cassian!", she sharply cried, shaking him with force. Not too roughly, not to hurt him, but to jolt him out of sleep and back with her. "Wake up! Whatever you're seeing, it's not real. I'm here, wake up, wake up, wake up!"
He sat bolt upright, breathing heavy, eyes darting even before they were focused. One hand reaching for a weapon that wasn't there, the other drawn back in a fist.
He saw Jyn and abruptly lowered his hands. First instinct was to ask where they were—but another thought struck him and his eyes went wide with a new alarm. "I didn't hit you, did I?!"
Jyn pulled away then, but kept her concerned gaze trained squarely on Cassian, how rigid his body went, how he searched for something - anything to defend himself from whatever what was plaguing him ... the tightly clenched fist and the way he trembled as he held back from using it against an unseen assailant.
But she didn't hesitate when it came to answering his panicked question, shaking her head vehemently. "No. No, love, you didn't hit me. You were moving around so much I thought you might fall right out of bed. And - you were screaming. Are you alright? What happened?"
He started shaking, partly with relief, and reached for her; slipped his hand under her hair to cup her face, and leaned forward to touch his forehead to hers.
"I'm sorry. Nothing happened. Just dreams." I killed you. "I let my guard down."
Jyn wouldn't have held it against Cassian, anyway. Nightmares could sometimes feel ... frighteningly real, she knew that very well and he would never hurt her, she was absolutely certain. She kept still but welcomed him close, sighing softly as he held her steady (and she hopefully offered him the same). "You were sleeping. And you don't have to apologize, I - I know what it's like to have nightmares. Sometimes, they feel ... "
"…Yeah." He wouldn't try to finish the sentence, because it didn't have one. That was the problem and the point. No end even to things that have ended.
Abruptly—but never violent, never—his hands moved, down her back, around her, 'til he could press her close and fold her into his arms; his face lowered to her shoulder, his body shaking, his heart thudding against her chest.
"I never want to hurt you, Jyn," he whispered. "Not in any way. Not ever. But I don't know if… I can… make sure I won't. It's all I've ever done. All I've ever been good at."
(Not actually true. Kaytoo would be able to point out in complete detail how and why it wasn't. But it was all, at the moment, Cassian could see of himself.)
Nothing more needed to be said about the nightmares if Cassian didn't wish to discuss them. Jyn had been there before and would be there again. She knew what it was like, the terror they could inspire.
Cassian took her into his arms, pulled her close, took solace in the warmth of her body, and for a long moment, she said nothing, simply curled her arms around him, too, hopefully sharing with him the comfort and stability that he needed from her.
"It's not all you can do, Cassian. I know that you've been used as a weapon against your will, but - you spared my father when it had been your duty to do exactly the opposite. You came back for me time and time again when you could've left me to die. You are no monster, Cassian Andor, and you are capable of so much good, even if you don't see it right now. I love you, I trust you, I know you would never hurt me."
He most likely still felt too shaken and too raw in the wake of his nightmares to think very clearly. Hells, Jyn was barely awake and coherent herself, but what she told Cassian was absolutely the honest truth.
And for as afraid as he was, she was all the more determined to prove that she wasn't.
She couldn't begin to say what the future would hold for them, but she was absolutely certain that Cassian would never knowingly harm her. And while she didn't know how to reassure him of that, she was doing her best to try.
"Okay. Okay. It's alright, Cassian, I'm here and I'm fine. You're here and you're going to be fine, too. I'm not going anywhere."
He wasn't superstitious, in general. So it made no sense to fear 'tempting the universe' with such vows. He raised his face to hers and kissed her, and settled back. He might not be able to sleep again, but he could hold her a while longer.
Jyn wasn't entirely certain that she would be able to get back to sleep in the wake of Cassian's nightmare. But she returned the kiss, and settled back with him, and curled in close in order to give and receive comfort and try to help him find some rest, at least. She couldn't say that her presence would help, but she hoped, even in the smallest way, that it did.
She didn't think she was particularly skilled at being a partner, but as she settled a gentle palm against his chest, right above his heart, a reminder that he wasn't alone. She pressed a kiss to his shoulder and murmured "I love you" right against his skin.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2019-07-19 03:52 am (UTC)She met his eyes, an understanding clear in her gaze, even as she took another moment just to breathe, recalling the beach, holding each other tight, and feeling nothing but peace as she waited for the end to come. "Yeah. I was - I wasn't ... scared I had you and I felt ... still."
no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 12:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-19 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-22 12:14 pm (UTC)Especially when neither of them had anywhere to be. And, also for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt safe, even desirable, to just lie here and breathe and listen, not worrying about external threat or intrusive thoughts, safe enough even to drift off to sleep.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-25 06:51 am (UTC)Not while they had the time to do little but enjoy having the time to be together, if they talked more or if they didn't, if they fell asleep or simply relished in a peace neither had known since they were children.
no subject
Date: 2019-07-25 11:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-25 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-29 10:42 pm (UTC)Humans were one of the relatively few species who rested their entire brain at once: closed both eyes and went fully unconscious. Many other animals only rested half their brain at a time, and slept with literally one eye open.
It felt to Cassian like he'd been sleeping with one eye open most of his life. Right now, with Jyn, for the first time in years, he went fully and deeply to sleep.
The down side to that was that it allowed him to dream.
No wonder he never allowed himself to fully sleep. If he'd thrashed and screamed like this on assignment…
no subject
Date: 2019-08-01 01:57 pm (UTC)But lying tangled up with Cassian, she found the type of rest that she never thought possible - blessedly free from nightmares. She woke suddenly, pulled from her dreamless sleep by a blood-chilling scream, almost tossed from the little bed by Cassian's wildly flailing arms and legs.
Still, she held her ground as she tried to wake him from whatever hellscape he was trapped inside. She couldn't hold him down - he'd fight back. She couldn't be gentle, either, othewise he'd never hear her.
"Cassian!", she sharply cried, shaking him with force. Not too roughly, not to hurt him, but to jolt him out of sleep and back with her. "Wake up! Whatever you're seeing, it's not real. I'm here, wake up, wake up, wake up!"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-04 05:07 am (UTC)He saw Jyn and abruptly lowered his hands. First instinct was to ask where they were—but another thought struck him and his eyes went wide with a new alarm. "I didn't hit you, did I?!"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-04 06:34 am (UTC)But she didn't hesitate when it came to answering his panicked question, shaking her head vehemently. "No. No, love, you didn't hit me. You were moving around so much I thought you might fall right out of bed. And - you were screaming. Are you alright? What happened?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-04 08:43 am (UTC)"I'm sorry. Nothing happened. Just dreams." I killed you. "I let my guard down."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 03:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 03:35 am (UTC)Abruptly—but never violent, never—his hands moved, down her back, around her, 'til he could press her close and fold her into his arms; his face lowered to her shoulder, his body shaking, his heart thudding against her chest.
"I never want to hurt you, Jyn," he whispered. "Not in any way. Not ever. But I don't know if… I can… make sure I won't. It's all I've ever done. All I've ever been good at."
(Not actually true. Kaytoo would be able to point out in complete detail how and why it wasn't. But it was all, at the moment, Cassian could see of himself.)
"What if it's all I can do?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 04:31 am (UTC)Cassian took her into his arms, pulled her close, took solace in the warmth of her body, and for a long moment, she said nothing, simply curled her arms around him, too, hopefully sharing with him the comfort and stability that he needed from her.
"It's not all you can do, Cassian. I know that you've been used as a weapon against your will, but - you spared my father when it had been your duty to do exactly the opposite. You came back for me time and time again when you could've left me to die. You are no monster, Cassian Andor, and you are capable of so much good, even if you don't see it right now. I love you, I trust you, I know you would never hurt me."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 04:45 am (UTC)The tension between truths made him shake and hug her all the harder.
"I love and trust you," he murmured back, muffled into her shoulder. "I believe you about everything else. I'll try to believe you about me, as well."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 06:02 am (UTC)And for as afraid as he was, she was all the more determined to prove that she wasn't.
She couldn't begin to say what the future would hold for them, but she was absolutely certain that Cassian would never knowingly harm her. And while she didn't know how to reassure him of that, she was doing her best to try.
"Okay. Okay. It's alright, Cassian, I'm here and I'm fine. You're here and you're going to be fine, too. I'm not going anywhere."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-11 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-12 03:06 pm (UTC)She didn't think she was particularly skilled at being a partner, but as she settled a gentle palm against his chest, right above his heart, a reminder that he wasn't alone. She pressed a kiss to his shoulder and murmured "I love you" right against his skin.