He started shaking, partly with relief, and reached for her; slipped his hand under her hair to cup her face, and leaned forward to touch his forehead to hers.
"I'm sorry. Nothing happened. Just dreams." I killed you. "I let my guard down."
Jyn wouldn't have held it against Cassian, anyway. Nightmares could sometimes feel ... frighteningly real, she knew that very well and he would never hurt her, she was absolutely certain. She kept still but welcomed him close, sighing softly as he held her steady (and she hopefully offered him the same). "You were sleeping. And you don't have to apologize, I - I know what it's like to have nightmares. Sometimes, they feel ... "
"…Yeah." He wouldn't try to finish the sentence, because it didn't have one. That was the problem and the point. No end even to things that have ended.
Abruptly—but never violent, never—his hands moved, down her back, around her, 'til he could press her close and fold her into his arms; his face lowered to her shoulder, his body shaking, his heart thudding against her chest.
"I never want to hurt you, Jyn," he whispered. "Not in any way. Not ever. But I don't know if… I can… make sure I won't. It's all I've ever done. All I've ever been good at."
(Not actually true. Kaytoo would be able to point out in complete detail how and why it wasn't. But it was all, at the moment, Cassian could see of himself.)
Nothing more needed to be said about the nightmares if Cassian didn't wish to discuss them. Jyn had been there before and would be there again. She knew what it was like, the terror they could inspire.
Cassian took her into his arms, pulled her close, took solace in the warmth of her body, and for a long moment, she said nothing, simply curled her arms around him, too, hopefully sharing with him the comfort and stability that he needed from her.
"It's not all you can do, Cassian. I know that you've been used as a weapon against your will, but - you spared my father when it had been your duty to do exactly the opposite. You came back for me time and time again when you could've left me to die. You are no monster, Cassian Andor, and you are capable of so much good, even if you don't see it right now. I love you, I trust you, I know you would never hurt me."
He most likely still felt too shaken and too raw in the wake of his nightmares to think very clearly. Hells, Jyn was barely awake and coherent herself, but what she told Cassian was absolutely the honest truth.
And for as afraid as he was, she was all the more determined to prove that she wasn't.
She couldn't begin to say what the future would hold for them, but she was absolutely certain that Cassian would never knowingly harm her. And while she didn't know how to reassure him of that, she was doing her best to try.
"Okay. Okay. It's alright, Cassian, I'm here and I'm fine. You're here and you're going to be fine, too. I'm not going anywhere."
He wasn't superstitious, in general. So it made no sense to fear 'tempting the universe' with such vows. He raised his face to hers and kissed her, and settled back. He might not be able to sleep again, but he could hold her a while longer.
Jyn wasn't entirely certain that she would be able to get back to sleep in the wake of Cassian's nightmare. But she returned the kiss, and settled back with him, and curled in close in order to give and receive comfort and try to help him find some rest, at least. She couldn't say that her presence would help, but she hoped, even in the smallest way, that it did.
She didn't think she was particularly skilled at being a partner, but as she settled a gentle palm against his chest, right above his heart, a reminder that he wasn't alone. She pressed a kiss to his shoulder and murmured "I love you" right against his skin.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2019-08-04 08:43 am (UTC)"I'm sorry. Nothing happened. Just dreams." I killed you. "I let my guard down."
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Date: 2019-08-05 03:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 03:35 am (UTC)Abruptly—but never violent, never—his hands moved, down her back, around her, 'til he could press her close and fold her into his arms; his face lowered to her shoulder, his body shaking, his heart thudding against her chest.
"I never want to hurt you, Jyn," he whispered. "Not in any way. Not ever. But I don't know if… I can… make sure I won't. It's all I've ever done. All I've ever been good at."
(Not actually true. Kaytoo would be able to point out in complete detail how and why it wasn't. But it was all, at the moment, Cassian could see of himself.)
"What if it's all I can do?"
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Date: 2019-08-05 04:31 am (UTC)Cassian took her into his arms, pulled her close, took solace in the warmth of her body, and for a long moment, she said nothing, simply curled her arms around him, too, hopefully sharing with him the comfort and stability that he needed from her.
"It's not all you can do, Cassian. I know that you've been used as a weapon against your will, but - you spared my father when it had been your duty to do exactly the opposite. You came back for me time and time again when you could've left me to die. You are no monster, Cassian Andor, and you are capable of so much good, even if you don't see it right now. I love you, I trust you, I know you would never hurt me."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 04:45 am (UTC)The tension between truths made him shake and hug her all the harder.
"I love and trust you," he murmured back, muffled into her shoulder. "I believe you about everything else. I'll try to believe you about me, as well."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-05 06:02 am (UTC)And for as afraid as he was, she was all the more determined to prove that she wasn't.
She couldn't begin to say what the future would hold for them, but she was absolutely certain that Cassian would never knowingly harm her. And while she didn't know how to reassure him of that, she was doing her best to try.
"Okay. Okay. It's alright, Cassian, I'm here and I'm fine. You're here and you're going to be fine, too. I'm not going anywhere."
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Date: 2019-08-11 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-12 03:06 pm (UTC)She didn't think she was particularly skilled at being a partner, but as she settled a gentle palm against his chest, right above his heart, a reminder that he wasn't alone. She pressed a kiss to his shoulder and murmured "I love you" right against his skin.