candor1 | Open RP Post

From:

…

Cassian had been undercover before.

He'd been in relationships while undercover before.

Hell, he'd been in another relationship while under this cover, before.

No other protestation of love or commitment had ever knocked him flat the way that statement from Jyn just did.

What is wrong with you… this is not the mission… she is not…

Slowly, he spread his hand on hers. Then, not hiding the tremor in his touch, hyperaware for the barest hint of protest from her, he moved his hand up her arm, to her shoulder; then slipped around both her shoulders, as the rest of him shifted closer to follow.

From:

shiningstardust

For a moment, Jyn kept completely still, not wanting to break the moment and lose the tentative contact. She only really found her breath again as she felt his hand as it moved from fingers touching to creeping from hand to shoulder and finally curled around her shoulders, motivating both of them to get a little closer, to cuddle much like they did while in bed.

"I didn't want to like you", she admitted softly, although she was sure he was already aware. "I wanted to hate you, just on principle alone. But I don't - I don't think I ever really did."

From:

candor1

She moved closer, as he did; so with relief, he closed his arm around her shoulders and let his body press gently with hers.

"I never thought you'd like me, either." He let himself, for a moment, close his eyes; rest his mouth against her hair. "I felt so foolish… not knowing you but… liking you anyway.

"I'm… really, really glad, Jyn."

From:

shiningstardust

Jyn didn't know how or even why, but the simple act of just being close was so reassuring that it made her forget (as much as she could) all the worries that usually weighted her down.

"I know ... that you're turning out to be nothing like what I feared you were going to be", she murmured, inhaling shakily. "I know that you're kinder and more generous than I was anticipating. I know that I sleep so much better with you than I ever did alone."

She closed her eyes and sat silent for a moment, just enjoying the proximity and how safe she felt.

"I know that I want to know you better."

From:

candor1

He felt in more danger now than he ever had in battle.

Know me, then
My name is
I'm Allied with
I'm here to

Leave it. Leave it.

He closed his arms around her, loosely, gently, but with strength; knew he was shaking, too, and didn't try to hide it—if he even could. Just held her a long moment, feeling one of their hearts pounding and not able to be sure whose it was.

What could he say…? Ask me anything, though chances are good I'll have to lie

…Pfassk, he was shaking hard.

"What do you want to know?" he asked softly, finally.

From:

shiningstardust

For that long moment, Jyn was just as quiet, not only to take in the feel of his arms around her, but to try to temper the beating of her heart, to find the words - any words to explain how she was feeling, or even what she wanted.

Mostly, though, she wondered ~~worried~~ about what was causing his trembling.

She placed a gentle hand against his his arm, pondering the question, pondering her possible questions in return, and finally decided on what she wanted to know first. "Are you scared?"

From:

candor1

"… Yes."

What else could he say…? Even if he wasn't determined to tell her the truth whenever he could, he'd already rather given himself away.

Time to lie again… although…? "I've never done anything like this before."

Okay, that was actually true, if somewhat open to interpretation.

From:

shiningstardust

At least she wasn't alone in how she was feeling. And Jyn didn't really know the first thing about marriage or being a wife - even though she thought she remembered a home once full of laughter - but she was starting to believe that maybe ...

Maybe she was starting to consider making it work, for real, and not just as friends.

"Me neither - ", she breathed, although she was sure that much was obvious. "And I'm scared, too."

From:

candor1

Cassian softly lowered his face to rest his forehead against hers. (Wondering if he shouldn't, instead, maybe, sit back away from her instead… but it felt too hard to give up the embrace.)

"We don't have to do anything we don't both want," he said softly. "Not all at once; not ever. Right?"

From:

shiningstardust

Truth be told, Jyn probably would have tried to follow. This felt good, unbelievably so, just being close, sharing comfort and the reassurance that they were no longer alone if they didn't choose to be.

Maybe it was selfish of her to want more, but then, she never had been perfect.

"Of course", she replied, just as softly. "No pressure, no expectations, I promise."

From:

candor1

…Huh. He'd thought he was saying it to reassure her, but maybe it was him…

Face still close to hers, he forced himself to crack a smile. Then he sat back. I'm sorry. He couldn't go there. Not yet. Not ever?

(He'd slept with more people than he'd wanted to. He wasn't entirely sure what would happen now he did want to.)

His hand stayed gentle on her back. Couldn't sever all contact.

…Oh. He knew how to kill the mood.

I'm sorry I'm sorry.

"I… um… said I'd tell you. If you really want to know. About… Mrs Grendreef. And me."

From:

shiningstardust

There was nothing wrong with a little mutual reassurance. And Jyn wanted Joreth to know that there would never be any pressure from her to jump into things that neither were ready for or that both didn't want.

Although, it was getting harder to deny that there wasn't an attraction there, that they didn't gravitate toward each other, especially in bed. She wanted ... but she didn't feel brave enough to voice that want, to do something about it.

Joreth pulled away. Jyn wanted to follow. But as he mentioned the Admiral's wife - mrs grendreef and me - and there was little doubt in her mind about what those few little words could possibly mean. She might not have had much (any) experience with sex or love, but she was very well aware of how things worked behind the scenes, she knew the types of favors that were exchanged behind closed doors, and how it was the easiest way to get a leg up on the competition. He was a career officer, after all, and that's just the way things were done.

So why was it so painful to hear those four words together? Although she didn't move away, her demeanor changed instantly as she put her carefully constructed walls back in place in an attempt to shield herself from the worst of it. So, her suspicion had been correct. She hadn't misread the looks she had seen the Admiral's wife point Joreth's way - or the animosity she had felt directed toward her while they'd briefly spoken. As much as she hadn't wanted to be ... Jyn had been right.

"You're sleeping with her."

From:

candor1

"Was. It stopped when you and I got engaged." Should he say the next, or was it just a kind of excuse-making…? "She was blackmailing me."

From:

shiningstardust

Jyn's brow furrowed in her confusion. "Why would she need to do that?", she asked, and then, soon afterward - "Why are you telling me this?"

From:

candor1

"'Why would she need…'? 'Cuckold my S.O.' hadn't been on my to-do list." Again, not sure what he should say—probably none of it but too late. "And we weren't particularly… interested in each other. Beyond, I think, convenience, for her."

Why indeed… "I'm not sure. I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have. I guess… it felt like lying. At your expense. Being in a room with both of you and you being the only one of the three of us that didn't know."

From:

shiningstardust

Jyn cringed inwardly. She hadn't meant to sound so ... what? Crass? Dismissive? She hated the gnawing guilt that began eating at her from the inside out. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded", she offered haltingly, apologetically. "It must be difficult for a woman in her position. And - for you, to be put in that position."

She sighed, but didn't move away. Still didn't let those walls back down, but perhaps that was to be expected. "I ... appreciate it. That ... you want to be honest with me. I suppose I just wasn't expecting to hear it, that's all."

From:

candor1

Why should she feel guilty?

She was being remarkable… but he felt he'd done something horrible.

He let his hand fall away from her, as his other came up to cover his eyes. "Thank you. Sorry. …Maybe I should leave things until you ask."

From:

shiningstardust

Jumping to conclusions never led to anywhere good. And making assumptions was even worse.

She felt like she had been unnecessarily harsh, and while they had started all of this on a positive note, now she wasn't quite so sure. She felt like she had ruined everything.

Especially as he let his hand drop, and hid his eyes with the other, and the guilt started gnawing at her all the more hungrily. "I don't think I would have asked about that, but - I ... I'm grateful for your honesty. And ... I don't want you to feel uncomfortable being honest with me. So ... for the sake of transparency, you should know that I'm not sleeping with anyone. I never have - although many people have tried, whether it was with sweet-talk or attempted coercion. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just ... I didn't know who I could trust. So. Now you know."

From:

candor1

He looked at her over his own hand, managing a smile.

Trust. It kept coming back to trust.

"That's well done." That she'd kept her own say in the matter. He'd given up his choices and comforts for it long ago.

"I've ruined the evening, a bit."

From:

shiningstardust

Jyn shared her own, small but hopefully as reassuring as she meant for it to be.

She didn't like thinking about her own predicament, how lonely she had grown up feeling, how it still colored every interaction she had now. She especially didn't like to think about how forceful some of those people had been when it had come to 'courting' her - how forceful she had to be in return to dissuade them from continuing to try.

"You really haven't. Some things are ... harder to speak about than others. If you want, you can ask me something now, so we can try to get back on track."

From:

candor1

He exhaled a more genuine laugh. "You're amazing. …All right…" Something he'd be able to answer, too, if turned back on him… "Favorite childhood toy?"

From:

shiningstardust

Jyn didn't know about that, and her surprised huff of breath was probably enough clue about it. "You'll laugh, I think. It was a little stuffed tooka that Papa made for me. He made many of my toys when I was little. Now you."

From:

candor1

"Most of the toys at Carida were" indoctrination "educational. But I had one that looked like a security droid that I'd confide in."

From:

shiningstardust

Jyn hummed quietly, slowly letting the newfound tension drain and dissipate in order to relax as much as she could. "Kept all your secrets safe, did it? My cat did, too. Made me feel safe when I was scared."

From:

candor1

"I wasn't looking for secret-keeping as much as... an advocate, I think. Someone to talk to my father on my behalf." A self-conscious smile. "Didn't really work, as you could guess. What was your cat's name?"