That admission knocked Jyn all the more off of her axis. At least she now knew that whatever she wanted, Cassian wanted, too. But it was so dangerous to know that and to know herself, and there was only so far that her willpower would go.
"You don't need to be afraid of being with me, Cassian. I know that our situation has irrevocably changed - and I don't know if it's for the better - but my feelings haven't. I still ... want to be close to you.
I still want so much with you."
She took a sharp little breath and brushed her fingertips against his once more. "Come on, then. I guess we'll have to figure things out as we go."
His fingers returned the light touch… then dared to move, just a little, to intertwine with hers.
"Thank you," he said softly. But didn't explain what he meant by it and didn't wait for her to respond, before climbing to his feet.
As they started walking, he murmured, "And if it ever comes up, Joreth Sward's paperwork doesn't include a middle name. It can be 'Cassian'. But only you ever call me that."
It was reassuring - the by now familiar tangling of their hands. And maybe, after everything the day had brought them, Jyn and Cassian both needed something to hold on to.
She wasn't entirely certain what he was thanking her for, but she also didn't ask. They got to their feet and began the short trek back to the apartment.
Jyn nodded her understanding and agreement. She would have to be mindful of using the right name from that moment on, but that seemed the easiest task in front of her. "Anybody else calls you by name, you know you've been had."
Maybe; yes. He was so grateful she didn't take her hand away.
Her agreement was reassuring, as well. They still understood each other. (Strange how greater truthfulness threatened that.) He nodded back, and added, "If you ever need to signal SOS… my real middle name is 'Jerón'."
Maybe out of the same need of familiarity, to turn it back into their game of exchanging— "Do you have a middle name?"
So was Jyn. It felt promising, in any case, that they could still have it. Holding hands might have seemed insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but for Jyn, at least, it felt comforting.
"Jerón", she repeated, not only to get accustomed to the mouth feel, but also to memorize, just in case. "I'll remember."
She gently shook her head in response to the question, a soft sigh escaping her lips. "No, no middle name. But ... Papa used to call me Stardust, when we were together."
"I don't know", she murmured, daring to glance at Cassian from the corner of her eyes, her expression hopeful again, for the first time in two days. "He never said. Do you think my eyes look like stardust?"
His thumb, once again, ran like water along her skin.
On reflex, to undercut himself, Cassian actually smiled a little (first time in what felt like hours) and murmured back, "Which would make my nickname 'Void'."
Despite her best efforts, Jyn couldn't help blushing. She would have offered a little self-deprecating comment, but Cassian beat her to it.
Still, it took a moment before she uttered a small "No", and shook her head in disagreement. "That's not right at all. If we're basing these nicknames on eyes, yours aren't void of anything. I find them really quite warm - I'm not sure what an acceptable nickname would be yet, but certainly not void."
She would have countered that if he were truly devoid of feelings, he would've left her back underneath the shade of those trees - unconscious or worse.
But here they were.
Jyn said nothing, but her smile ticked upward just a bit more, and she let her gaze linger so she could enjoy those little crinkles, so she could commit the way he looked to memory.
He wondered what Kay would say about it. Nonetheless— "I like it." Which, to his surprise, was completely true. Not least because it complemented hers. "…And Ilargi is 'moon'. So it's official, only celestial phenomena allowed in our home."
It was a bit of a coping mechanism - finding a way to pretend like everything was normal, if even for a moment. But truth be told, Jyn liked it, too. She breathed an amused little breath and nodded her agreement. "We can't ruin the theme."
And it belatedly caught up to him that they hadn't even had to question either word in the designation our home.
Where they finally arrived, and Cassian followed Jyn's lead in.
Argi greeted each with purring like nothing had changed, even moreso when Cassian put down some food. He stood to look at Jyn, remembering how she said she'd wanted to shower…
…which made him suddenly remember what he'd done to her, made her do, in the grove.
A stab went through him and he looked away.
Part of him wondered if he should offer to… even the score, as it were. More of him thought that was a stupid idea. All of him agreed he'd not try to anticipate anything but wait for cues. Including if that was a burden Jyn didn't want.
It hadn't sounded wrong. In the moment, it had slipped past Jyn, and she hadn't given the implication a second thought.
And soon enough, they were stepping into their home, and Jyn was quiet as she stepped out of her boots and left them by the front door, greeting Argi with a scratch behind the ears before he trotted over to greet Cassian as well, happily following along to partake in his (late) lunch.
It was the fight and all the new aches and pains that had developed that had her wanting to shower, to let the steam and hot water soothe them all away. But she hadn't forgotten the grove, either, how frightened she had felt, how grateful she felt that none of her fears had come to fruition.
"I'm going to shower", she repeated, gesturing to the room as she looked to Cassian, as if to say 'if you want to look around', searching for whatever listening devices might have been planted and just waiting to hear something incriminating. "You can get one after, if you'd like."
Yes, good, a task. "All right," he said, pulling off his jacket and glancing back at her to smile. Back in character but also conspiratorial. "Take your time."
With that, Jyn turned to enter the bedroom and gather some new clothes to change into, something more comfortable. Now that the adrenaline had died down, she felt sore all over where some of the assailants' attacks had landed.
In the shower, she washed quickly, hissing when she touched particularly sensitive and tender areas. Most of the time spent inside the shower was taken up with an existential crisis, and the doubt that they could make Cassian's staying work.
Guilt bubbled up once more as she mentally berated herself for putting him into a more dangerous position now that she knew who he truly was - maybe not the full extent of his mission, but enough to know that the right decision would've been to tell him to leave.
When enough time had passed, Jyn got out and dried off. But instead of redressing in the bathroom, she headed back into the bedroom instead, carrying her new clothing with her, towel wrapped firmly around her body.
If only he knew about her guilt… though perhaps he'd never be able to convince her out of it. No matter how true it was that it wasn't her doing; he would always choose the more dangerous position when it was the one that allowed him to keep serving. Service over self-preservation every time.
Jyn didn't take long in the shower. But it didn't take Cassian long to search their kitchen and living room. Their move-in was still relatively recent—but probably more to the point, they were both used to living sparsely. Little furniture and few other furnishings made the most time-consuming thing checking light fixtures and outlets. So far, the sweep was clean.
He'd just started in the bedroom when the fresher door opened with a cloud of steam. And there was Jyn…
Cassian instantly averted his eyes, mumbled a reflexive, "Sorry…" and turned toward the living room door.
Jyn was stubborn about most things, her feelings included. Besides, Cassian had given her the choice between 1: his immediate departure, 2: her neutralization, or 3: going on with the mission as planned. He might have vetoed the second option, but she had chosen the third.
It was true, their apartment wasn't the most extravagantly decorated, but Jyn didn't require a lot of unnecessary belongings to make her happy. It didn't make a whole lot of sense to acquire things if those things didn't have a use.
Maybe she should have realized that the sweep was occurring fairly quickly. Maybe she should have thought enough ahead to change in the fresher like she'd been doing every other time she'd gotten out of the shower.
But no, she entered the bedroom and found Cassian there, and almost turned right back around. She came to a stop and shifted her weight awkwardly from foot to foot before shaking her head as if to say that there was no need to apologize.
He'd already seen her unclothed. It hadn't exactly been the most sensual of moments, but ...
"You don't have to go", she finally offered, her mouth dry. "It's ... okay if you stay."
She was just getting dressed, after all. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
He stopped, turned to face her again, and carefully raised his eyes to her face. Meeting them, another slight smile.
And… the idea he'd dismissed before… coming back as instinct. Not expectation or imposition, but an offering. Putting himself on the same level she'd been forced onto.
He glanced away again, swallowing, then deliberately sat on the edge of the bed, so he was facing away from her… pulled off his socks, then his belt, and started undoing his shirt.
Normalizing, equalizing, offering… right? (Please be right.) Undressing while she got dressed, evening the field; plus, if she wanted it, a view of him as bared and vulnerable as she'd been.
Jyn returned Cassian's smile, adding a quick nod as well. She wasn't looking for anything, and certainly held no expectations of him, but if they were going to play married for however long this ruse was going to continue, they'd have to be ...
Comfortable around each other.
They weren't looking at each other as Jyn dropped her towel and began redressing and Cassian st down and began undressing, although she glanced at him from time to time, just trying to gauge whether or not she'd put him into an uncomfortable situation.
But he didn't look back at her, so there was little for her to do except finishing dressing, pulling her loose shirt over her head, a pained little groan the only noise she made. Luckily, nothing had been broken in the fight (which seemed like it had happened ages before), but Jyn was still suffering from pulled muscles, bruising both internal and external.
Yeah, maybe the best idea truly had been to try to rest and recover.
The groan made him reflexively glance over his shoulder. Confirming she was all right, he looked away again.
…A shoulder which, on its own, explained why he always kept a shirt on, even when going to sleep.
In prep for this mission, Cassian had been given cosmetic surgery to fit in with Coruscant aesthetics. Teeth straightened, broken nose made more regular, scarring diminished—but only on his face.
Over his shoulder onto his back: shrapnel. Lower back, clavicle, and forearm: blades. Back and ribs: blasterburn. Ankles and wrists: restraints. Stomach, one leg, one hand: (faint, symmetrical) surgical. Side of stomach disappearing down under drawers' waistband: jagged, raised and mottled—and stretched. (Something dug crudely out of his tissue before he'd finished growing.)
As silently as he'd removed them, he folded his clothes—not perfectly but into a handy parcel, which he picked up to carry to the laundry chute beside the 'fresher. Thus keeping some barrier between them when he moved past Jyn.
Jyn would survive to fight another day. Some of the punches she took had been hard, and she was only just now realizing the extent to which she'd been injured. Not enough to need a visit to a med-center, clearly, but painful nonetheless, especially when she moved the wrong way.
She had noticed some of Cassian's scars before, but had never gotten the sort of proper look that she was getting now. There was no pity in her eyes, only a deep understanding that the life that he had lived thus far had not been an easy one.
And while she wanted to move closer, to touch and explore every single scar with gentle, reverent fingertips, she kept standing exactly where she was, with great reluctance. Besides, he kept a careful distance between them, and she didn't want to breach it if her getting closer made him feel ... uncomfortable.
Strange, now, this new tiptoeing around each other.
If only they could see it… that they were both holding back because they were both worried about violating the other. (Wonder what K-2SO could observe and say…?)
Cassian moved past Jyn, the shape of the room bringing them closely into one another's orbits. It was after he'd deposited his clothing in the chute that he remembered and turned again to face her—only a subtle expression of surprise when he found how close they still were.
"…Living room and kitchen are clean, by the way. Haven't done in here yet."
To the unsuspecting: would sound like housework. Between themselves: free of surveillance.
Jyn hoped they'd find steadier footing - that they would have the time in which to do so. But after all the admissions they'd shared with each other during the past hours, maybe it made sense that everything now felt so uncertain and tenuous. She didn't know where she stood anymore, whether or not what she wanted wouldn't somehow cross any unspoken boundaries.
Her attention focused on Cassian once he'd neared her again, finally reaching out to touch hesitant fingertips to his shoulder, momentarily frozen until he spoke and she nodded her understanding. "Could do it together, get it done quicker."
The sooner they figured out whether they were safe to talk in their own apartment, the better. Jyn didn't want to believe that there were any bugs monitoring them, but she could put nothing past the man she had always called her uncle.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 06:42 am (UTC)"You don't need to be afraid of being with me, Cassian. I know that our situation has irrevocably changed - and I don't know if it's for the better - but my feelings haven't. I still ... want to be close to you.
I still want so much with you."
She took a sharp little breath and brushed her fingertips against his once more. "Come on, then. I guess we'll have to figure things out as we go."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 07:25 am (UTC)"Thank you," he said softly. But didn't explain what he meant by it and didn't wait for her to respond, before climbing to his feet.
As they started walking, he murmured, "And if it ever comes up, Joreth Sward's paperwork doesn't include a middle name. It can be 'Cassian'. But only you ever call me that."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 07:31 am (UTC)She wasn't entirely certain what he was thanking her for, but she also didn't ask. They got to their feet and began the short trek back to the apartment.
Jyn nodded her understanding and agreement. She would have to be mindful of using the right name from that moment on, but that seemed the easiest task in front of her. "Anybody else calls you by name, you know you've been had."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 07:41 am (UTC)Her agreement was reassuring, as well. They still understood each other. (Strange how greater truthfulness threatened that.) He nodded back, and added, "If you ever need to signal SOS… my real middle name is 'Jerón'."
Maybe out of the same need of familiarity, to turn it back into their game of exchanging— "Do you have a middle name?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 07:53 am (UTC)"Jerón", she repeated, not only to get accustomed to the mouth feel, but also to memorize, just in case. "I'll remember."
She gently shook her head in response to the question, a soft sigh escaping her lips. "No, no middle name. But ... Papa used to call me Stardust, when we were together."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 07:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:01 am (UTC)Do you think my eyes are pretty?
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:10 am (UTC)His thumb, once again, ran like water along her skin.
On reflex, to undercut himself, Cassian actually smiled a little (first time in what felt like hours) and murmured back, "Which would make my nickname 'Void'."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:18 am (UTC)Still, it took a moment before she uttered a small "No", and shook her head in disagreement. "That's not right at all. If we're basing these nicknames on eyes, yours aren't void of anything. I find them really quite warm - I'm not sure what an acceptable nickname would be yet, but certainly not void."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:26 am (UTC)Another part thought, to either or both of them: See? Recognition.
Trustworthy or not, his eyes did that warm crinkling thing at her now, and his fingers tightened gently, momentarily on hers.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:32 am (UTC)But here they were.
Jyn said nothing, but her smile ticked upward just a bit more, and she let her gaze linger so she could enjoy those little crinkles, so she could commit the way he looked to memory.
"Stardust. Sunspot. What do you think?"
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 08:50 am (UTC)Where they finally arrived, and Cassian followed Jyn's lead in.
Argi greeted each with purring like nothing had changed, even moreso when Cassian put down some food. He stood to look at Jyn, remembering how she said she'd wanted to shower…
…which made him suddenly remember what he'd done to her, made her do, in the grove.
A stab went through him and he looked away.
Part of him wondered if he should offer to… even the score, as it were. More of him thought that was a stupid idea. All of him agreed he'd not try to anticipate anything but wait for cues. Including if that was a burden Jyn didn't want.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:00 am (UTC)And soon enough, they were stepping into their home, and Jyn was quiet as she stepped out of her boots and left them by the front door, greeting Argi with a scratch behind the ears before he trotted over to greet Cassian as well, happily following along to partake in his (late) lunch.
It was the fight and all the new aches and pains that had developed that had her wanting to shower, to let the steam and hot water soothe them all away. But she hadn't forgotten the grove, either, how frightened she had felt, how grateful she felt that none of her fears had come to fruition.
"I'm going to shower", she repeated, gesturing to the room as she looked to Cassian, as if to say 'if you want to look around', searching for whatever listening devices might have been planted and just waiting to hear something incriminating. "You can get one after, if you'd like."
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:17 am (UTC)In the shower, she washed quickly, hissing when she touched particularly sensitive and tender areas. Most of the time spent inside the shower was taken up with an existential crisis, and the doubt that they could make Cassian's staying work.
Guilt bubbled up once more as she mentally berated herself for putting him into a more dangerous position now that she knew who he truly was - maybe not the full extent of his mission, but enough to know that the right decision would've been to tell him to leave.
When enough time had passed, Jyn got out and dried off. But instead of redressing in the bathroom, she headed back into the bedroom instead, carrying her new clothing with her, towel wrapped firmly around her body.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:26 am (UTC)Jyn didn't take long in the shower. But it didn't take Cassian long to search their kitchen and living room. Their move-in was still relatively recent—but probably more to the point, they were both used to living sparsely. Little furniture and few other furnishings made the most time-consuming thing checking light fixtures and outlets. So far, the sweep was clean.
He'd just started in the bedroom when the fresher door opened with a cloud of steam. And there was Jyn…
Cassian instantly averted his eyes, mumbled a reflexive, "Sorry…" and turned toward the living room door.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:40 am (UTC)It was true, their apartment wasn't the most extravagantly decorated, but Jyn didn't require a lot of unnecessary belongings to make her happy. It didn't make a whole lot of sense to acquire things if those things didn't have a use.
Maybe she should have realized that the sweep was occurring fairly quickly. Maybe she should have thought enough ahead to change in the fresher like she'd been doing every other time she'd gotten out of the shower.
But no, she entered the bedroom and found Cassian there, and almost turned right back around. She came to a stop and shifted her weight awkwardly from foot to foot before shaking her head as if to say that there was no need to apologize.
He'd already seen her unclothed. It hadn't exactly been the most sensual of moments, but ...
"You don't have to go", she finally offered, her mouth dry. "It's ... okay if you stay."
She was just getting dressed, after all. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:50 am (UTC)He stopped, turned to face her again, and carefully raised his eyes to her face. Meeting them, another slight smile.
And… the idea he'd dismissed before… coming back as instinct. Not expectation or imposition, but an offering. Putting himself on the same level she'd been forced onto.
He glanced away again, swallowing, then deliberately sat on the edge of the bed, so he was facing away from her… pulled off his socks, then his belt, and started undoing his shirt.
Normalizing, equalizing, offering… right? (Please be right.) Undressing while she got dressed, evening the field; plus, if she wanted it, a view of him as bared and vulnerable as she'd been.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 10:08 am (UTC)Comfortable around each other.
They weren't looking at each other as Jyn dropped her towel and began redressing and Cassian st down and began undressing, although she glanced at him from time to time, just trying to gauge whether or not she'd put him into an uncomfortable situation.
But he didn't look back at her, so there was little for her to do except finishing dressing, pulling her loose shirt over her head, a pained little groan the only noise she made. Luckily, nothing had been broken in the fight (which seemed like it had happened ages before), but Jyn was still suffering from pulled muscles, bruising both internal and external.
Yeah, maybe the best idea truly had been to try to rest and recover.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 10:33 am (UTC)…A shoulder which, on its own, explained why he always kept a shirt on, even when going to sleep.
In prep for this mission, Cassian had been given cosmetic surgery to fit in with Coruscant aesthetics. Teeth straightened, broken nose made more regular, scarring diminished—but only on his face.
Over his shoulder onto his back: shrapnel.
Lower back, clavicle, and forearm: blades.
Back and ribs: blasterburn.
Ankles and wrists: restraints.
Stomach, one leg, one hand: (faint, symmetrical) surgical.
Side of stomach disappearing down under drawers' waistband: jagged, raised and mottled—and stretched. (Something dug crudely out of his tissue before he'd finished growing.)
As silently as he'd removed them, he folded his clothes—not perfectly but into a handy parcel, which he picked up to carry to the laundry chute beside the 'fresher. Thus keeping some barrier between them when he moved past Jyn.
no subject
Date: 2019-08-31 09:33 pm (UTC)She had noticed some of Cassian's scars before, but had never gotten the sort of proper look that she was getting now. There was no pity in her eyes, only a deep understanding that the life that he had lived thus far had not been an easy one.
And while she wanted to move closer, to touch and explore every single scar with gentle, reverent fingertips, she kept standing exactly where she was, with great reluctance. Besides, he kept a careful distance between them, and she didn't want to breach it if her getting closer made him feel ... uncomfortable.
Strange, now, this new tiptoeing around each other.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-01 02:24 am (UTC)Cassian moved past Jyn, the shape of the room bringing them closely into one another's orbits. It was after he'd deposited his clothing in the chute that he remembered and turned again to face her—only a subtle expression of surprise when he found how close they still were.
"…Living room and kitchen are clean, by the way. Haven't done in here yet."
To the unsuspecting: would sound like housework. Between themselves: free of surveillance.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-01 02:40 am (UTC)Her attention focused on Cassian once he'd neared her again, finally reaching out to touch hesitant fingertips to his shoulder, momentarily frozen until he spoke and she nodded her understanding. "Could do it together, get it done quicker."
The sooner they figured out whether they were safe to talk in their own apartment, the better. Jyn didn't want to believe that there were any bugs monitoring them, but she could put nothing past the man she had always called her uncle.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:LMK if I should break this into multiple tags!! Wanna leave room for Jyn to react, but overeager…
From:Haha, no worries, it's more than fine :0D
From:Yay! Thank you; you indulge me so nicely >^•^<
From:And happily so!
From:/feels and sends much love ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
From:<3 <3 <3
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: