Open RP Post

[candor1]

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[shiningstardust]

"Yes", she replied, once he'd broken another too-long silence. "I'm sure I could make that happen."

She felt disappointed, a little, that that was what he had asked of her. But given the circumstances, and given what she had just told him, maybe she should have expected it.

It was Jyn's turn to take a moment to consider her options. There was so much she wanted to know, so much that she wanted to ask, but when she finally opened her mouth again, it was to quietly ask -

"You and I ... was there anything real? Or ... was it all to keep your cover up?"

She shook her head, finally glanced down and swallowed hard and tried to keep from getting too emotional. They were too exposed, too out in the open, she didn't want to bring attention to them should anyone breach their privacy.

"Do I know you at all?"

[candor1]

In the grass between them, his fingers flexed, his hand wanting to take hers. But didn't think it had the right.

So it didn't try—but it did close the distance between them. So his fingertips could barely brush hers.

"I've been a spy since I was sixteen," he said quietly. "I'm very good at what I do. It's not because I'm a good liar. It's because I know to rely mainly on truth.

"My record, my papers, my rank: lies. Most of what I've said, especially to you: real.

"Everything we've done…"

—and not done, because he couldn't bear it under auspices of a lie—

"…real.

"Too much so. For me."

[shiningstardust]

Jyn blinked rapidly, her breath catching in her throat. Sixteen. That was so young, so when the droid had said that Cassian had been lying for most of his life ... he had meant it.

She couldn't even imagine what he had done and seen and had to endure. But her heart went out to him nonetheless. Jyn still did not take Cassian's hand, but she also did not pull her own away, as needy for the touch as he seemed to be.

"Why am I so different?"

[candor1]

So young. Wait 'til she found out when he'd become a soldier.

Why am I so different?

He hadn't wondered that. He hadn't articulated thoughts about it. He hadn't had to. It just was.

Different. What was different. "You're intelligent. You're strong. You're beautiful. You're capable. You keep your own mind. You show care and mutual attraction to me. All my senses react to you. We can speak and not speak together longer than I can stand myself. But… different…" To varying degrees, so was and so had Xilo, Farir, d'Djiera.

Different?

"…I recognized you," he said at last. "And felt like you recognized me."

[shiningstardust]

Jyn hadn't wondered, either. He had just felt different than anyone who had tried to get close to her before. Different in a good way. Different enough to allow her to open up - and to want to open up - and to be honest in ways that she had never done with another person before.

At first, the answer didn't satisfy her. Calling her intelligent and strong and beautiful and capable didn't mean much to Jyn in the slightest, but the more deeper under the surface Cassian went, the more she began to understand -

At least somewhat.

"I felt it, too."

Or -

She thought she had.

[candor1]

He wanted to take her hand. Touch her face. Move them together to rest and embrace.

But he'd not presume physical contact again. If it were to happen, it would have to be at her initiating.

He was suddenly so very tired.

His head throbbed. There was too much in it. All he could do was narrow and sort it into options.

"Should I still go home with you? We could search for listening devices, see how much more we can talk there. Or you can go there and I can go to my ship and we can take some time, reevaluate later. Or you could come with me to the ship and I'll introduce you to Kaytoo. I'm not up for anything more public right now, but. I'd do whichever of those you want to do."

[shiningstardust]

Jyn wanted those things, too. And more, if she were being honest with herself. But she hardly knew if she had the right to any of it anymore, if she was allowed to ask for anything, even though Cassian had said again that he loved her, that he was in love with her.

It was still difficult to think that they could go back to the way things were before when everything now felt so different, so tenuous and dangerous.

Jyn's head pounded, and her eyes burned, and she didn't know what she wanted to do next.

"I don't know if I can take another night alone", she answered, softly but honestly. "And I just - I'm tired and hurting. I just want to take a shower and rest, I think. I'd like you to go home with me, but if you don't think you can ... I understand."

[candor1]

"I want everything with you that you want, too." If there were still things he might not say about the Rebellion and his mission, there was nothing left he wouldn't say about them. "I'm the one who lied. I'm the one who's only been intimate while lying. I'm the one who needs to be afraid of doing wrong or too much. Anything you still want to have to do with me… between us, not to do with the Empire or Rebellion, there's nothing you could ask I don't want to give. I only won't trust it if it comes first from me."

He suddenly feared even saying that was too much. He couldn't possibly have the right to say such things. He lowered his eyes, a muscle jumping in his jaw.

"…Yes," he said, as if correcting himself. "Please. I'd like to go home with you, too. And rest."

[shiningstardust]

That admission knocked Jyn all the more off of her axis. At least she now knew that whatever she wanted, Cassian wanted, too. But it was so dangerous to know that and to know herself, and there was only so far that her willpower would go.

"You don't need to be afraid of being with me, Cassian. I know that our situation has irrevocably changed - and I don't know if it's for the better - but my feelings haven't. I still ... want to be close to you.

I still want so much with you."

She took a sharp little breath and brushed her fingertips against his once more. "Come on, then. I guess we'll have to figure things out as we go."

[candor1]

His fingers returned the light touch… then dared to move, just a little, to intertwine with hers.

"Thank you," he said softly. But didn't explain what he meant by it and didn't wait for her to respond, before climbing to his feet.

As they started walking, he murmured, "And if it ever comes up, Joreth Sward's paperwork doesn't include a middle name. It can be 'Cassian'. But only you ever call me that."

[shiningstardust]

It was reassuring - the by now familiar tangling of their hands. And maybe, after everything the day had brought them, Jyn and Cassian both needed something to hold on to.

She wasn't entirely certain what he was thanking her for, but she also didn't ask. They got to their feet and began the short trek back to the apartment.

Jyn nodded her understanding and agreement. She would have to be mindful of using the right name from that moment on, but that seemed the easiest task in front of her. "Anybody else calls you by name, you know you've been had."

[candor1]

Maybe; yes. He was so grateful she didn't take her hand away.

Her agreement was reassuring, as well. They still understood each other. (Strange how greater truthfulness threatened that.) He nodded back, and added, "If you ever need to signal SOS… my real middle name is 'Jerón'."

Maybe out of the same need of familiarity, to turn it back into their game of exchanging— "Do you have a middle name?"

[shiningstardust]

So was Jyn. It felt promising, in any case, that they could still have it. Holding hands might have seemed insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but for Jyn, at least, it felt comforting.

"Jerón", she repeated, not only to get accustomed to the mouth feel, but also to memorize, just in case. "I'll remember."

She gently shook her head in response to the question, a soft sigh escaping her lips. "No, no middle name. But ... Papa used to call me Stardust, when we were together."

[candor1]

"Because of your eyes?" He asked without thinking.

[shiningstardust]

"I don't know", she murmured, daring to glance at Cassian from the corner of her eyes, her expression hopeful again, for the first time in two days. "He never said. Do you think my eyes look like stardust?"

Do you think my eyes are pretty?

[candor1]

Yes. "Yes."

His thumb, once again, ran like water along her skin.

On reflex, to undercut himself, Cassian actually smiled a little (first time in what felt like hours) and murmured back, "Which would make my nickname 'Void'."

[shiningstardust]

Despite her best efforts, Jyn couldn't help blushing. She would have offered a little self-deprecating comment, but Cassian beat her to it.

Still, it took a moment before she uttered a small "No", and shook her head in disagreement. "That's not right at all. If we're basing these nicknames on eyes, yours aren't void of anything. I find them really quite warm - I'm not sure what an acceptable nickname would be yet, but certainly not void."

[candor1]

Part of him wanted to say that looks are deceiving and she should trust him on this one.

Another part thought, to either or both of them: See? Recognition.

Trustworthy or not, his eyes did that warm crinkling thing at her now, and his fingers tightened gently, momentarily on hers.

[shiningstardust]

She would have countered that if he were truly devoid of feelings, he would've left her back underneath the shade of those trees - unconscious or worse.

But here they were.

Jyn said nothing, but her smile ticked upward just a bit more, and she let her gaze linger so she could enjoy those little crinkles, so she could commit the way he looked to memory.

"Stardust. Sunspot. What do you think?"

[candor1]

He wondered what Kay would say about it. Nonetheless— "I like it." Which, to his surprise, was completely true. Not least because it complemented hers. "…And Ilargi is 'moon'. So it's official, only celestial phenomena allowed in our home."

[shiningstardust]

It was a bit of a coping mechanism - finding a way to pretend like everything was normal, if even for a moment. But truth be told, Jyn liked it, too. She breathed an amused little breath and nodded her agreement. "We can't ruin the theme."

[candor1]

And it belatedly caught up to him that they hadn't even had to question either word in the designation our home.

Where they finally arrived, and Cassian followed Jyn's lead in.

Argi greeted each with purring like nothing had changed, even moreso when Cassian put down some food. He stood to look at Jyn, remembering how she said she'd wanted to shower…

…which made him suddenly remember what he'd done to her, made her do, in the grove.

A stab went through him and he looked away.

Part of him wondered if he should offer to… even the score, as it were. More of him thought that was a stupid idea. All of him agreed he'd not try to anticipate anything but wait for cues. Including if that was a burden Jyn didn't want.

[shiningstardust]

It hadn't sounded wrong. In the moment, it had slipped past Jyn, and she hadn't given the implication a second thought.

And soon enough, they were stepping into their home, and Jyn was quiet as she stepped out of her boots and left them by the front door, greeting Argi with a scratch behind the ears before he trotted over to greet Cassian as well, happily following along to partake in his (late) lunch.

It was the fight and all the new aches and pains that had developed that had her wanting to shower, to let the steam and hot water soothe them all away. But she hadn't forgotten the grove, either, how frightened she had felt, how grateful she felt that none of her fears had come to fruition.

"I'm going to shower", she repeated, gesturing to the room as she looked to Cassian, as if to say 'if you want to look around', searching for whatever listening devices might have been planted and just waiting to hear something incriminating. "You can get one after, if you'd like."

[candor1]

Yes, good, a task. "All right," he said, pulling off his jacket and glancing back at her to smile. Back in character but also conspiratorial. "Take your time."

[shiningstardust]

With that, Jyn turned to enter the bedroom and gather some new clothes to change into, something more comfortable. Now that the adrenaline had died down, she felt sore all over where some of the assailants' attacks had landed.

In the shower, she washed quickly, hissing when she touched particularly sensitive and tender areas. Most of the time spent inside the shower was taken up with an existential crisis, and the doubt that they could make Cassian's staying work.

Guilt bubbled up once more as she mentally berated herself for putting him into a more dangerous position now that she knew who he truly was - maybe not the full extent of his mission, but enough to know that the right decision would've been to tell him to leave.

When enough time had passed, Jyn got out and dried off. But instead of redressing in the bathroom, she headed back into the bedroom instead, carrying her new clothing with her, towel wrapped firmly around her body.