The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. They hadn't been granted much of a reprieve in the wake of Scarif. The Rebellion as a whole needed to recover as quickly as possible - regroup, recruit, return to finish what they had started.
More often than not, Jyn and Cassian were pulled in opposite directions in order to see their jobs through. Occasionally, they worked together, but those instances were rare. To say it was difficult was a massive understatement. Jyn couldn't even begin to explain the emptiness she felt as she went through the motions every day, every mission, not knowing when - or if - they would see each other again.
But she held onto the hope that it would come to pass. What was life without hope?
And then the message came ...
4 ABY. Jyn had just touched down on the outskirts of a frontier town on a semi-charted world. She was on a mission and nothing or no one was going to impede her from completing it.
Cassian"Aasch" was sitting alone in the tavern, nursing a hot drink, seeming to watch someone else's sabacc game, while really listening to someone else's conversation.
The cadence of voices was so nearly at the breaking point. He'd turned them toward each other and given a prod; at the right moment, Aasch would go over and intervene, and get what Cassian needed.
Almost. Give them ninety seconds. Half sip of drink, all senses alert.
There wasn't much to the dusty town, very few places for Cassian to be. Process of elimination meant that she should try places where people were liable to gather.
So, tavern first.
The doors creaked open as she stepped inside, her gaze observant as it passed from one inhabitant to the next as she searched out a very familiar face that she had only seen in person a small handful of times over the past four years.
Her breath caught in her throat as his profile came into view and for the first time since being dispatched on this particular mission, she couldn't decide the best way to go about clueing him into all that happened since he'd been here.
His eyes flickered every time someone entered, as a matter of course. They got swiftly sifted into threat and no threat and got filed in the back of his mind.
His eyes flickered this time—and froze.
For just a moment, he stared openly at Jyn.
He got ahold of himself. Quickly… but not quickly enough… not for him.
He'd never put anything ahead of the mission in his life. The day after he met her, he'd put her ahead of the mission four times.
He could still do this. His marks hadn't noticed.
But if Jyn was here…? She wouldn't blow his mission… unless she'd been sent?
Or had her own reasons?
Either way. He trusted both.
He sat back just a little in his chair. And sought her eyes, and asked a question with his.
She knew that he would find her. She had come to learn very early on that he always would.
Every atom in her body screamed for Jyn to go to him, but she knew that despite the circumstances, she couldn't let go of all restraint altogether. She kept as still as she could manage, muscles twitching with nervous energy, met his eyes and tried to make clear what she was feeling.
Exhaustion deep into her bones, certainly, and a weariness that they both shared. But also ... relief. A renewed hopefulness. A need for Cassian that had only grown stronger with time.
He frowned a little. Interpretation uncertain. He glanced once more at the marks across the way.
Then his eyes returned to her… and he stood. He crossed to the bar, passing his marks and ignoring them, to pay his tab.
He didn't go to her… he went to the stairs in the far back, that led to the rooms upstairs. But he looked at her one more time, in clear request for her to follow him.
Without being able to say the words out loud yet - her emotions muddled as it was - Jyn was certain the message wasn't coming through loud and clear. At least he knew she wouldn't be here without good reason to be, her arrival so out of the blue and unexpected.
She watched out of the corner of her eye as Cassian stood and headed to the bar, settling his tab. She watched as he deliberately made his way upstairs, and it didn't take much to figure out that he wanted her to follow.
If not for the fact that she didn't want to alert the other patrons to something out of the ordinary going on, she would've done so immediately. But she waited until he took his leave - waited a few (long) minutes before she, too, made her way from the main floor and upstairs.
Is that awesome icon Felicity in something else looking amazingly Jynlike, or a manip, or…?
He'd left the door ajar, and himself visible through it; sitting on the edge of the bed, looking over a datapad. Innocuous to anyone else passing through, not visibly but most definitely waiting for her to join him.
Her footsteps were nearly silent as she made her way through the hallway until she came across the open door - and Cassian sitting on the edge of the bed behind it.
She carefully stepped inside, her lips curling up into the hint of a smile - not forced, not really, but a little reticent all the same.
He stood up immediately, like he'd heard her footsteps (maybe?) or had been expecting her (well of course). There was the briefest smile in passing, but no sooner was he beside her then he was reaching past to close and lock the door.
From that spot, he turned to her again, and had to tilt his head down to meet her eyes. They were as close to each other as they'd been on Jedha, on Yavin 4, on Rogue One, in the Scarif elevator, and every other time they'd circled and stared at each other like personal space was just something they did with other people—the rest of the galaxy. Not between them. "What are you doing here? Are you all right?"
I saw it and knew I had to use it for In Disguise Jyn
As soon as the door was shut and locked, Jyn seemed to slump. Not hurt, not entirely comfortable, not resting, but as close as she could get given the circumstances.
From there, they fell into their own easy intimacy of sharing space, one that they had been honing since the very beginning. She took him in carefully, noting new shadows, glad to note no injuries or scars. But what took her breath away were all little white hairs dotting his usually dark beard.
It had only been four years since ... everything, but it felt like it had been a lifetime.
"I've been worse", she huffed out, settling a gentle hand against his arm, sharing comfort in the contact. "I'm here to relieve you of duty, Cassian. It's over. It's all over."
Not everything, of course, but most of the missions they had been sent out on were no longer necessary.
He didn't glance at her hand on his arm, but some part of him, his energy, seemed to refocus on that point; everything about him centering in on her touch.
Relieve of duty? …Over? What's o—
she can't mean… not poss— do you… WHAT?
Something to be said for Cassian Andor: he didn't do what most people did with language, which was waste time. He didn't (unless in character) repeat things or state the obvious or make smalltalk or ask stupid questions. For example, he'd usually skip past What? or Huh? or Really? and get right to the So what do you need? or What next?
But this time. This once. He needed to hear it.
Eyes wide, breath hard, he stared at Jyn and said so softly: "…What?"
... I've been in this fight since I was six years old ...
He needed a moment. Jyn had needed several when the news had come in about the second Death Star's destruction, the Emperor's death. And while there was no disbanding and disappearing to all corners of the galaxy, for all intents and purposes ...
Their jobs were done.
"The Emperor is dead, Cassian. Death Star's blown to pieces. It's done."
Jyn sat, too, shoulders and thighs pressing together as she took a deep breath and leaned in close, whispering against his ear every single detail that she was privy to - from the ground battle of Endor to Luke Skywalker's battle on the Death Star itself, and even some of the massive celebrations afterward.
She was sure she was missing some details, but for the most part, what she ended up sharing was as correct as she was aware of it to be. She could understand his disbelief, his incredulity - this was a war he thought would never be won, that he would never survive.
But here they were.
"You can come back with me, debrief, but after that - "
He sat perfectly still and stared at nothing as he listened intensely—barely breathing, rarely blinking—to every one of Jyn's words… and her pauses… her silences… breaths… everything…
He scarcely noticed he'd never let go of her, that his hand had moved from her forearm to her hand, that he held it the whole time
The story ended… and he was still here. Heart still beating, lungs still breathing, blood still circulating, still sitting in this room on this planet and the universe was spinning along and everything was continuing and the war was over…
Cassian opened his mouth and closed it again… no luck… and finally felt Jyn's hand in his… and didn't have it in him to remove his own, but at least it let him find his voice.
It probably sounded fantastical, but every word of it was true. Jyn sometimes felt like she was waiting to wake up from a dream - or waiting for the metaphorical other shoe to drop.
But here they were, still alive, worse for wear for all that they had been through, but staring out at a new horizon yet to explore. After. They had never really spoken about after, perhaps because it seemed more like wishful thinking than a possible reality.
The thought alone was enough to set her head to spinning. But right now, his hand clutching hers tightly, Jyn didn't feel like she was lost without rudder.
run into the street and start a fight find someone in an imperial uniform and pummel them until his hands bled put on their uniform and let someone pummel him grab a blaster and get in the middle of a crowd and shoot over everyone's heads
what are these thoughts? are you kidding? none of those were remotely something he wanted—
fire a blaster into a wall of stone and see how deep a pit it could gouge until its power cells fused write a confession in blaster bolts in the base of the mountain hit rocks with the blaster until it snapped and his hands broke
you're not making sense, Kay would stop you, stop it
Violence. He didn't want it, but he felt it. The thoughts were coming from it. There had been so much—carving him in its image—making itself his tool—making him its agent—and now…
Drop Jyn's hand and hit the floor Punch a wall Throw things through the window smashing glass then crashing to the ground Just break windows kick them in all of them in the city
…but it had worked. Served its purpose. They'd won. The war was over. The violence could go away now.
It would never The war will You will
Knowing his whole body had started shaking, he focused intently on slowly and carefully opening his fingers and moving his hand away from Jyn's. Slowly and smoothly standing up. Trying to remember what the next move was supposed to be. Murmuring, "Be right back," to Jyn in a voice that approached normal. Keeping his steps reasonable getting into the fresher.
The sink was too small. He threw the lever that turned on the shower and stuck his head under the stream.
He wasn't entirely sure how he wound up standing, fully clothed, under the water with his palms and forehead pressed to the wall.
Jyn didn't stop Cassian from loosening his grip and getting up. She made no noise of protest as she watched him leave the main room and enter the fresher. But she was not so preoccupied that she didn't notice the trembling or recognize that despite the calm in his voice, Cassian had just been thrown into a world of turmoil.
She had felt the same, after all, in the days following the fall of the Empire. When she wasn't walking around in a perpetual daze waiting to receive orders - no matter what those orders were - she hadn't known what to do with herself.
Or what to think.
She had raged and screamed and sobbed and wondered just what it was she was going to do now that there was such an unknown and uncertain future lying ahead of her. All she knew was loss and war and running and fighting and never knowing if she was going to reach tomorrow.
But now she had tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and ... no idea how to reconcile that with all she had known since she was eight years old. And Cassian - he had been fighting even longer than Jyn had. She could only ever imagine the turbulence he was feeling.
Despite the promises of you'll have me for as long as I'm able, she knew damn well that he had always believed that he would never come out of this alive. He had been, for all intents and purposes, waiting for the end to come to him.
He needed time. And for a while, Jyn gave it to him. But the longer the shower was running, the more she began worrying that ... something had happened. She did the only thing that she could do.
She followed. Observed him - fully clothed, standing underneath the spray, his palms and forehead pressed against the wall. And while she didn't want to disturb him, she also couldn't stand the thought of him in pain.
Again, she did the only thing she could, which was to join him (without getting undressed), carefully threading her arms around his middle and wedging herself as close as she could manage in the small space.
He heard the door open; knew she came in even though she was so quiet; didn't try to turn his head or move—there was no point in trying to hide from her. It just felt like lying…
She put her arms around him and pressed herself against his back. He slowly moved his palms from the wall to place upon her hands; his forearms crossed over of hers.
And for the first time in the years since Jenoport, Cassian cried.
No way to tell if his long-dried tear ducts had actually regenerated into function. The water on his face made it irrelevant anyway.
Still holding on to her-holding on to him, he sank both of them to their knees; doubled over their two pairs of arms around his middle, closed eyes parallel to the floor, and wracked with sobs.
She demanded nothing of him - just offered herself and whatever strength and steadiness he needed from her, even though she too felt anything but. She simply held on and tried to be his anchor.
Shoulders and back began to shake and shudder and her heart ached for him - all he had lost and all the things he had done in order to see him to this exact moment in time, the good that he rarely considered good, the bad, the in-between. And while it was far too soon for Cassian - for both of them - to think about the future, she tried to wordlessly reassure that there was hope for them both.
To their knees they went, and Jyn's arms tightened around Cassian's prone form all the more.
The water streamed into his nose and mouth, forcing him to turn his head to breathe. It was good. It was something tangible to fight.
Glaring from his hospital bed, at Draven who'd redacted the overdose, and mouthing, (Give me a mission)
I've been in this fight since
Slowly, the shudders wore out. His tension drained and he slumped—still holding her arms where they held him.
There was nothing good to say. He knew her well enough to know she didn't need an I'm sorry. And I don't know what that was would be… at least a little… a lie.
Jyn required no apology and no explanation. Cassian's feelings were totally valid, no matter what they were. She was just there to offer reassurance and understanding in a tumultuous time.
And while her knees ached from holding them both up on the hard floor, she made no move to get up as of yet. Not until Cassian was ready. Until then, she would endure.
She breathed out what could be the hint of a chuckle at the comment, nodding gently. "I needed a shower, anyway."
He exhaled a kindred laugh, tightening his arms a little around hers. A quick look over his shoulder. Then he released her arms. He put out one hand to brace against the wall, and turned just enough to offer his other one to her, to lever them both up.
He'd find an expression full of concern, but also a small but clear weary relief. But she met his gaze and loosened her grip as he prepared to stand, accepting the offered hand so that she could rise to her feet with him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. They hadn't been granted much of a reprieve in the wake of Scarif. The Rebellion as a whole needed to recover as quickly as possible - regroup, recruit, return to finish what they had started.
More often than not, Jyn and Cassian were pulled in opposite directions in order to see their jobs through. Occasionally, they worked together, but those instances were rare. To say it was difficult was a massive understatement. Jyn couldn't even begin to explain the emptiness she felt as she went through the motions every day, every mission, not knowing when - or if - they would see each other again.
But she held onto the hope that it would come to pass. What was life without hope?
And then the message came ...
4 ABY. Jyn had just touched down on the outskirts of a frontier town on a semi-charted world. She was on a mission and nothing or no one was going to impede her from completing it.
no subject
Cassian"Aasch" was sitting alone in the tavern, nursing a hot drink, seeming to watch someone else's sabacc game, while really listening to someone else's conversation.The cadence of voices was so nearly at the breaking point. He'd turned them toward each other and given a prod; at the right moment, Aasch would go over and intervene, and get what Cassian needed.
Almost. Give them ninety seconds. Half sip of drink, all senses alert.
no subject
So, tavern first.
The doors creaked open as she stepped inside, her gaze observant as it passed from one inhabitant to the next as she searched out a very familiar face that she had only seen in person a small handful of times over the past four years.
Her breath caught in her throat as his profile came into view and for the first time since being dispatched on this particular mission, she couldn't decide the best way to go about clueing him into all that happened since he'd been here.
no subject
His eyes flickered this time—and froze.
For just a moment, he stared openly at Jyn.
He got ahold of himself. Quickly… but not quickly enough… not for him.
He'd never put anything ahead of the mission in his life. The day after he met her, he'd put her ahead of the mission four times.
He could still do this. His marks hadn't noticed.
But if Jyn was here…? She wouldn't blow his mission… unless she'd been sent?
Or had her own reasons?
Either way. He trusted both.
He sat back just a little in his chair. And sought her eyes, and asked a question with his.
no subject
Every atom in her body screamed for Jyn to go to him, but she knew that despite the circumstances, she couldn't let go of all restraint altogether. She kept as still as she could manage, muscles twitching with nervous energy, met his eyes and tried to make clear what she was feeling.
Exhaustion deep into her bones, certainly, and a weariness that they both shared. But also ... relief. A renewed hopefulness. A need for Cassian that had only grown stronger with time.
It's over.
no subject
Then his eyes returned to her… and he stood. He crossed to the bar, passing his marks and ignoring them, to pay his tab.
He didn't go to her… he went to the stairs in the far back, that led to the rooms upstairs. But he looked at her one more time, in clear request for her to follow him.
no subject
She watched out of the corner of her eye as Cassian stood and headed to the bar, settling his tab. She watched as he deliberately made his way upstairs, and it didn't take much to figure out that he wanted her to follow.
If not for the fact that she didn't want to alert the other patrons to something out of the ordinary going on, she would've done so immediately. But she waited until he took his leave - waited a few (long) minutes before she, too, made her way from the main floor and upstairs.
Is that awesome icon Felicity in something else looking amazingly Jynlike, or a manip, or…?
That is Felicity in Inferno!
She carefully stepped inside, her lips curling up into the hint of a smile - not forced, not really, but a little reticent all the same.
"Hey, stranger."
Oh, dip!! I should watch that ^_^ SCARVES!!
From that spot, he turned to her again, and had to tilt his head down to meet her eyes. They were as close to each other as they'd been on Jedha, on Yavin 4, on Rogue One, in the Scarif elevator, and every other time they'd circled and stared at each other like personal space was just something they did with other people—the rest of the galaxy. Not between them. "What are you doing here? Are you all right?"
I saw it and knew I had to use it for In Disguise Jyn
From there, they fell into their own easy intimacy of sharing space, one that they had been honing since the very beginning. She took him in carefully, noting new shadows, glad to note no injuries or scars. But what took her breath away were all little white hairs dotting his usually dark beard.
It had only been four years since ... everything, but it felt like it had been a lifetime.
"I've been worse", she huffed out, settling a gentle hand against his arm, sharing comfort in the contact. "I'm here to relieve you of duty, Cassian. It's over. It's all over."
Not everything, of course, but most of the missions they had been sent out on were no longer necessary.
I love it
Relieve of duty? …Over? What's o—
she can't mean… not poss— do you… WHAT?
Something to be said for Cassian Andor: he didn't do what most people did with language, which was waste time. He didn't (unless in character) repeat things or state the obvious or make smalltalk or ask stupid questions. For example, he'd usually skip past What? or Huh? or Really? and get right to the So what do you need? or What next?
But this time. This once. He needed to hear it.
Eyes wide, breath hard, he stared at Jyn and said so softly: "…What?"
no subject
He needed a moment. Jyn had needed several when the news had come in about the second Death Star's destruction, the Emperor's death. And while there was no disbanding and disappearing to all corners of the galaxy, for all intents and purposes ...
Their jobs were done.
"The Emperor is dead, Cassian. Death Star's blown to pieces. It's done."
no subject
On the tower, on Scarif, in the elevator, they'd sought the universe in each other's eyes, the one they'd saved and would never have again…
He stared at her face now like he was seeking it again—seeking reality.
His hand came up beside hers to, unthinkingly, grasp her arm, too.
His eyes still in shock, searching her face. Until he finally sank into sitting on the mattress behind them.
But his hand still on her arm.
"…How?" he said. "Talk me through it?"
Unable to assimilate data. He didn't doubt her. But he couldn't… get his mind around it.
The war will never be over.
The war is over.
You're still alive.
You weren't supposed to live.
It can't be over because you still live.
But it is
Jyn said it is
Jyn
no subject
She was sure she was missing some details, but for the most part, what she ended up sharing was as correct as she was aware of it to be. She could understand his disbelief, his incredulity - this was a war he thought would never be won, that he would never survive.
But here they were.
"You can come back with me, debrief, but after that - "
They'd just have to figure it out.
no subject
He scarcely noticed he'd never let go of her, that his hand had moved from her forearm to her hand, that he held it the whole time
The story ended… and he was still here. Heart still beating, lungs still breathing, blood still circulating, still sitting in this room on this planet and the universe was spinning along and everything was continuing and the war was over…
Cassian opened his mouth and closed it again… no luck… and finally felt Jyn's hand in his… and didn't have it in him to remove his own, but at least it let him find his voice.
"Do we have to leave now?"
no subject
But here they were, still alive, worse for wear for all that they had been through, but staring out at a new horizon yet to explore. After. They had never really spoken about after, perhaps because it seemed more like wishful thinking than a possible reality.
The thought alone was enough to set her head to spinning. But right now, his hand clutching hers tightly, Jyn didn't feel like she was lost without rudder.
"No. We can take a little time."
no subject
run into the street and start a fight
find someone in an imperial uniform and pummel them until his hands bled
put on their uniform and let someone pummel him
grab a blaster and get in the middle of a crowd and shoot over everyone's heads
what are these thoughts? are you kidding? none of those were remotely something he wanted—
fire a blaster into a wall of stone and see how deep a pit it could gouge until its power cells fused
write a confession in blaster bolts in the base of the mountain
hit rocks with the blaster until it snapped and his hands broke
you're not making sense, Kay would stop you, stop it
Violence. He didn't want it, but he felt it. The thoughts were coming from it. There had been so much—carving him in its image—making itself his tool—making him its agent—and now…
Drop Jyn's hand and hit the floor
Punch a wall
Throw things
through the window smashing glass then crashing to the ground
Just break windows kick them in all of them in the city
…but it had worked. Served its purpose. They'd won. The war was over. The violence could go away now.
It would never
The war will
You will
Knowing his whole body had started shaking, he focused intently on slowly and carefully opening his fingers and moving his hand away from Jyn's. Slowly and smoothly standing up. Trying to remember what the next move was supposed to be. Murmuring, "Be right back," to Jyn in a voice that approached normal. Keeping his steps reasonable getting into the fresher.
The sink was too small. He threw the lever that turned on the shower and stuck his head under the stream.
He wasn't entirely sure how he wound up standing, fully clothed, under the water with his palms and forehead pressed to the wall.
well that's it i'm broken
She had felt the same, after all, in the days following the fall of the Empire. When she wasn't walking around in a perpetual daze waiting to receive orders - no matter what those orders were - she hadn't known what to do with herself.
Or what to think.
She had raged and screamed and sobbed and wondered just what it was she was going to do now that there was such an unknown and uncertain future lying ahead of her. All she knew was loss and war and running and fighting and never knowing if she was going to reach tomorrow.
But now she had tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and ... no idea how to reconcile that with all she had known since she was eight years old. And Cassian - he had been fighting even longer than Jyn had. She could only ever imagine the turbulence he was feeling.
Despite the promises of you'll have me for as long as I'm able, she knew damn well that he had always believed that he would never come out of this alive. He had been, for all intents and purposes, waiting for the end to come to him.
He needed time. And for a while, Jyn gave it to him. But the longer the shower was running, the more she began worrying that ... something had happened. She did the only thing that she could do.
She followed. Observed him - fully clothed, standing underneath the spray, his palms and forehead pressed against the wall. And while she didn't want to disturb him, she also couldn't stand the thought of him in pain.
Again, she did the only thing she could, which was to join him (without getting undressed), carefully threading her arms around his middle and wedging herself as close as she could manage in the small space.
"Let it out."
<3!!!!!!!
She put her arms around him and pressed herself against his back. He slowly moved his palms from the wall to place upon her hands; his forearms crossed over of hers.
And for the first time in the years since Jenoport, Cassian cried.
No way to tell if his long-dried tear ducts had actually regenerated into function. The water on his face made it irrelevant anyway.
Still holding on to her-holding on to him, he sank both of them to their knees; doubled over their two pairs of arms around his middle, closed eyes parallel to the floor, and wracked with sobs.
no subject
Shoulders and back began to shake and shudder and her heart ached for him - all he had lost and all the things he had done in order to see him to this exact moment in time, the good that he rarely considered good, the bad, the in-between. And while it was far too soon for Cassian - for both of them - to think about the future, she tried to wordlessly reassure that there was hope for them both.
To their knees they went, and Jyn's arms tightened around Cassian's prone form all the more.
no subject
Glaring from his hospital bed, at Draven who'd redacted the overdose, and mouthing, (Give me a mission)
I've been in this fight since
Slowly, the shudders wore out. His tension drained and he slumped—still holding her arms where they held him.
There was nothing good to say. He knew her well enough to know she didn't need an I'm sorry. And I don't know what that was would be… at least a little… a lie.
At last he murmured, "We're both wet now."
no subject
And while her knees ached from holding them both up on the hard floor, she made no move to get up as of yet. Not until Cassian was ready. Until then, she would endure.
She breathed out what could be the hint of a chuckle at the comment, nodding gently. "I needed a shower, anyway."
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oop pretty sure i've already said i want it to be with you before. doesn't hurt to reiterate it!
Part of why I take so long is reskimming the thread to see what I've said or not! :-D
I just think 'that sounds familiar, I probably already wrote it somewhere OH WELL'. :0D
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