It wouldn't have been right, breaching the distance that still remained, pressing her lips to his in a kiss that she'd been aching for for so long ... so Jyn kept still, grateful for the reassurance of the squeeze and the smile, however small and tentative it was.
It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
He returned her nod. He didn't know if he felt relieved or disappointed or… just… overloaded. Yeah. The third.
He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
Too much. Too soon. And if it was going to happen, Jyn wanted them both to be completely present. She had been waiting - pining - for four long years. She could wait for as long as it took. Besides, she felt that this conversation had been a huge turning point in their relationship as it was, and the last thing either of them needed was to be overwhelmed with anything else.
One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
He tried to remember when was the last time he'd seen her hair down, like this. He loved it
(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
Although she felt ... bare ... in front of Cassian, Jyn made no move to fix her hair in any way, wanting him to see her for exactly what she was in that moment, just a still-young woman who was as overwhelmed and scared to face whatever was to come next.
She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
He grinned. He had a new thought, handed her the carton, ducked into the 'fresher again, and came out with a fresh towel which he spread on the bed, to go under the food.
"Nothing exciting to drink," he said, pulling out one of the bottles they'd ordered and offering it to her. He avoided intoxicants, but he couldn't quite remember how Jyn felt about them. Whether she drank in company for pleasure or (like him, when he did) just for cred.
Now that was an expression that Jyn would like to see more of. It was impossible to temper her own return smile, so she ducked her head and kept hold of their food as she waited for his return, all the more amused when she realized what he'd brought back and why. It was no soft blanket, but it would do.
"I don't mind", she answered, easily accepting the bottle. Much like Cassian, Jyn wasn't much for intoxicants. She could fake the effects pretty convincingly, and only rarely ever actually partook. "This is enough for me."
He tapped the other bottle into hers. "Cheers." As he popped the cap, he belatedly remembered—yes, they did have something to drink to. He couldn't hold it in his mind.
Jyn wasn't sure that she was ready to toast that just quite yet. Everything still felt uncertain, including what the next step they took was going to be. At the very least, he'd made it clear that no matter what it was, they wouldn't be taking those steps alone or in different directions. And that, she thought, was what she wanted to toast to.
She knew that most likely, his concentration meant that he was getting lost in his thoughts again, so she gently nudged his shoulder with hers, didn't smile very widely, but wanted Cassian to know that she was right here with him.
He turned his head, their shoulders touching, and returned her small smile. Whatever else was happening that he couldn't fathom, this felt right.
The meal passed a little more lightheartedly. It was good to have actual things to focus on. He explained what things were if she needed, and avoided, best he could, admitting when he had no idea. Cassian wasn't known for healthy eating habits—on his own he probably would have skipped eating entirely. But with Jyn, it was downright… fun. Where alone his stomach would be in knots and nothing tasted good, he soaked in her tasting everything and it gave him enjoyment too.
Is this what I meant? Is this what she meant? Is this… good? how people do it? or is it too much to put on someone else if you can't do it yourself?
He sat back at last, pushing any remaining food toward Jyn. "Yours if you want it."
With food to share came a little bit of conversation, a little bit of levity in the midst of something decidedly heavier. And Jyn was grateful for it - the explanations that led into discussions of allergies and sharing a story from childhood about how eating a specific berry native to Lah'mu had, in Jyn's own words, made her cheeks blow up like a puffer fish.
And it felt good to have this with Cassian, to feel as normal as she ever had before, that something so simple as sharing a meal could bring so much joy.
She wanted -
She wanted a whole lifetime spent just like this.
Maybe that was selfish of her, especially not knowing if Cassian felt the same. With you didn't necessarily have to mean with you, and she was too cowardly to ask for clarification. Maybe it would become clear in time -
Now that they had it.
Jyn laughingly groaned, shaking her head no to his offer. "Couldn't take another bite if I tried."
So Cassian now knew that Jyn was allergic to the Lah'musian berry. He traded for the information by telling Jyn that he was allergic to Jogan fruit. Could come in handy if they ever needed to flush out an imposter, or knock the other out of commission for some reason, or… who cares. It was weaknesses shared. AKA trust.
Couldn't take another bite… He suppressed a smile. He knew a lot of her life had been lived in deprivation. (His too; if he remember Jerón right, then genetically Cassian might have grown a lot taller and broader if—also if—he hadn't been so malnourished as a kid.) It was so good to see her laughing and content. In light of that. But also… at all.
He gathered up the leftovers, put them back in containers—maybe less meticulously than if he'd been alone—and got up to deposit all of it in the room's small conservator.
That, unfortunately, left him standing again. He turned to her, still smiling, but irresolute where to go. (Back to the bed? With her?)
She knew that that's what Cassian was doing - trading a fact for a fact, storing it away for later use if at all necessary, whether or not the imagined situations and scenarios ever came to pass. She appreciated his opening up to her, even about seemingly small things. A little bit of trust went a long way.
There had been a time that Jyn might have stuffed herself to the point of bursting if only because she didn't know where or when her next meal might come. But she felt comfortable and warm and content enough to trust that the leftovers would still be there when she wanted them again.
But perhaps more importantly was having the chance to see Cassian as loose and relaxed as she'd ever had the chance before. She was still sure that more important matter at hand was still in the forefront of his thoughts, Jyn was glad that she'd been able to grant Cassian even just a moment to get out of his head.
The room was quiet once the food was stored and Cassian turned to face her again, and Jyn didn't know how to say that yes, it was okay if he rejoined her on the bed, that yes, she wanted to be near him, yes, she wanted him right back where he belonged.
So, she didn't say anything, and she hoped that her open, honest expression said enough.
The invitation seemed so clear, so brilliant on her incredible face… Welcome…
He smiled back and returned to the bed; only a little tentative still in his movements as he sat back down, one hand braced to the mattress—between them.
"I… don't think you actually said," he started. "If there's anything you want to do. Around other considerations." They'd talked about whether the Alliance would still have use for them, and that (thank the Force) they wanted to stick together. But did she have peacetime dreams, that hadn't been knocked out of her?
The message seemed to come across loud and clear, and even though Cassian returned the smile, his approach was still careful and cautious as though he was still a little unsure - of himself, of her, of everything.
Jyn settled her hand near Cassian's, just close enough for fingertips to touch, but allowing them both their own personal space in case that was too much, in case she inadvertently overloaded his senses.
Then he asked his question, and her smile faded until it was little more than a thin line as she thought through her answer. "I don't know, Cassian. I ... don't think that my skills translate well to law-abiding citizen."
She sighed then, dropped her gaze, pretended that the near-threadbare comforter was the most interesting feature of the room. "I've never given it any thought. I ... always assumed I'd be long-dead before this day."
This time, he didn't need to think. Like simply reached out for like. The universe against the chance, they'd actually met, found each other—the nearly extinct but same-species creatures they'd become. His hand found hers and gently enclosed it.
In an insufficient syllable, their uniquely kindred understanding—of the universe and each other—was still contained.
"Yeah."
Touching her, his brain unlocked a little. Struggled finally free of the intense gravity of the past and gained some altitude, where it could go in more directions, more flexibly, and see from a different angle. He'd never allowed himself to think much about what after the war would mean, not just for himself but for the universe. For the Alliance. However, as much as he was a student of Draven, he'd also been trained by Mon Mothma… and so didn't entirely surprise himself by hearing himself say: "You never know… It's a new government they're going to have to build. Sometimes those who've lived outside the old laws are the best at helping make new ones."
Amazing how comforting a touch could be, and Jyn was grateful for Cassian's grounding presence while she was beginning to feel so untethered. If anyone understood how she was feeling and why, it was him.
And while she might not know what the next step was going to be, she did know that she didn't have to take it alone.
While Cassian brought up a good point - a very good point - Jyn wasn't sure if she wanted to spend part of her after working for the new government. There was still time to figure it all out, and she was grateful for that. She couldn't possibly begin to make a solid decision now.
Quietly - "Is that what you think you might want to do?"
His eyes crinkled like laughter. "Definitely not."
He ran his thumb again over the back of her hand, eyes going a little unfocused, but not straying far from hers. "…I'd never stop pointing out how any law could be misused or broken. And since all laws can, we'd get nowhere. That's not really what laws or for, anyway—to be foolproof. And… I abdicated my rights to such things a long time ago." That was getting too close again to what he was surprisingly glad he'd said to Jyn but didn't want to say again or any more. So he finished with, "I'd much rather leave that sort of thing to Mon Mothma and Leia Organa. Their view is bigger than mine."
One heartbeat passed, and then another, and then her smile spread across her face slowly, like a sunrise, building and growing until it was shining brightly - at least for a moment, until she pulled herself together enough to dial it back.
As she listened to Cassian speak, she felt her heart lift a little with each word. For as much as she didn't want to stick around and try to make a place within the ranks of the new governing body that would need to be formed, if Cassian had said yes, Jyn would have followed.
Even though that was not the life she wanted to live nor the job she wanted to do, but she would have made a go of it just to continue spinning around and around in his orbit.
"Maybe they need that point of view in order to make the laws stronger, Cassian", she offered quietly, shrugging. "I just don't want to be the one giving it to them."
For the first time since she was eight years old, there was a big universe out there and Jyn was free to decide where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do. And all she could think about was how much she wanted to stay right here with Cassian for as long as possible instead.
He shrugged a little, back, shadowing his own smile. "I'd certainly share if they asked me. But I don't want to be part of a committee."
…He hesitated. A new thought had struck him.
"You know…"
His mouth was dry. He took a moment to swallow then continue.
"We… Part of why we can't know what to do with ourselves yet might be… We don't know what the Galaxy is going to be like, next. Hopefully some big things are gonna change.
"We could… get to know it. Before. Committing again.
"We could request an assignment together that would take us places. Get to know what's going on and report back.
"…Or we don't have to check in right away at all. Just… travel a bit. Meet the new universe."
Not everything, he was certain, would change. In some places, nothing; in others, not as much as they'd like. But still… some things might. They might.
[OOC: and somewhere in the galaxy, Leia shouts, I am not a committee!]
Request an assignment left a bitter taste in Jyn's mouth. Thing was - while she had stayed because it had been the right thing to do, the bigger reason was because Cassian had been there, had wanted her to, even though he had never come out and said as much.
For once in her life, Jyn didn't want to have to report to anyone, feel beholden to anyone. She wanted to be free. But Cassian had been doing his job for so long that he wouldn't really know what to do with himself without rules and regulations and orders.
And Jyn would have to learn how to compromise if she wanted to stay with Cassian.
He was right, though. Some things may not change quickly or at all. It was a brand new galaxy, a brand new era, and no one could begin to know what was going to happen.
She took a deep breath, tried to smile, probably failed at her attempt to appear as steady as she was trying to portray herself to be. Compromise flew right out the window when what she finally offered in response was -
"I want to take you and run away and never look back."
Immediately, Jyn sighed in frustration, dropped her gaze and shook her head slightly. Okay. Wrong thing to say. But she could still pull it back around, make herself less unreasonable in her wants. She'd had more time to come to terms with the war ending and what that might mean, after all.
Cassian - was still processing.
"But I can do that, I think, if it's what you want to do. Find a way to continue making myself useful."
Okay, that wasn't any better, the bitterness that colored her words just so.
"I don't know what the right decision is - ", Jyn quietly replied, raising her eyes slowly to meet Cassian's again. "I just know that whatever I do, I want it to be with you."
His breath had stopped at I want to take you and run away.
The way she tried to walk it back was… very touching, to him. A small sample of the efforts she was willing to make on his behalf, for his… (tethers? loyalties? issues.)
But maybe he was glad she'd said it and didn't need it walked back.
Maybe some of that could come across in how his hand shifted again. Turned over and transformed its tentative hold with hers into a solid one. And the intent, brighter look in his eyes when she raised hers.
Lightly, to encourage fantasizing not just planning, but also that new… excited light in his eyes… "Run away where?"
And ... making a compromise didn't feel like a cop-out if it meant she and Cassian would continue to work (be?) together. Besides, what good would total freedom do for her if she didn't know how to use it?
At least she found some measure of relief when he turned his hand over and they were palm-to-palm before he adjusted his grip and their fingers were fully entwined. Momentarily, she thought about how much she didn't want to have to let go again. Not anytime soon, anyway.
Tentatively, her smile widened as she took in Cassian's new expression, a light shining in his eyes that she had never seen before, and was it because of her or the thought of running away together, or both - ?
"I don't know", she answered, slowly, a soft chuckle bubbling its way past her lips. "Are you a big city person or a quiet countryside kind of man? Glee Anselm, maybe, to see all the crystal-clear oceans."
The kind who was supposed to have died. Who'd done what he'd done to make a new world, for others to live in. Who'd have given up his own place in it by what he did to help create it. And now…?
He thought of Kafrene, Jelucan, Coruscant, Jedha, Five Points Station, Varadan… big city. Then he thought of Pakrik Minor, Charissia, Lothal, …even Scarif. Quiet countryside. In a city, he feared he'd never stop looking over his shoulder. In the country, he was afraid he'd succumb to his thoughts.
But, either place, he'd be with Jyn. And if his… cognitive dissonance, manifested, to either… she already knew that. She was prepared. She understood.
Crystal-clear oceans. Perhaps they could sit on a beach, where they were consumed by nothing but sunset, and overwrite the memory of the last one where they'd been nearly consumed by kyber.
"I've never been to Glee Anselm," he said. "I'd like to. With you."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 07:11 am (UTC)It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 07:50 am (UTC)He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 03:07 pm (UTC)One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 12:34 am (UTC)He loved it(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 03:39 am (UTC)She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:05 am (UTC)"Nothing exciting to drink," he said, pulling out one of the bottles they'd ordered and offering it to her. He avoided intoxicants, but he couldn't quite remember how Jyn felt about them. Whether she drank in company for pleasure or (like him, when he did) just for cred.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:29 am (UTC)"I don't mind", she answered, easily accepting the bottle. Much like Cassian, Jyn wasn't much for intoxicants. She could fake the effects pretty convincingly, and only rarely ever actually partook. "This is enough for me."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:35 am (UTC)(
Like death in a living—?)He focused intently on unparceling the food.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 05:53 am (UTC)She knew that most likely, his concentration meant that he was getting lost in his thoughts again, so she gently nudged his shoulder with hers, didn't smile very widely, but wanted Cassian to know that she was right here with him.
"Thank you. Smells good."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 06:09 am (UTC)The meal passed a little more lightheartedly. It was good to have actual things to focus on. He explained what things were if she needed, and avoided, best he could, admitting when he had no idea. Cassian wasn't known for healthy eating habits—on his own he probably would have skipped eating entirely. But with Jyn, it was downright… fun. Where alone his stomach would be in knots and nothing tasted good, he soaked in her tasting everything and it gave him enjoyment too.
Is this what I meant? Is this what she meant? Is this… good? how people do it? or is it too much to put on someone else if you can't do it yourself?
He sat back at last, pushing any remaining food toward Jyn. "Yours if you want it."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:02 pm (UTC)With food to share came a little bit of conversation, a little bit of levity in the midst of something decidedly heavier. And Jyn was grateful for it - the explanations that led into discussions of allergies and sharing a story from childhood about how eating a specific berry native to Lah'mu had, in Jyn's own words, made her cheeks blow up like a puffer fish.
And it felt good to have this with Cassian, to feel as normal as she ever had before, that something so simple as sharing a meal could bring so much joy.
She wanted -
She wanted a whole lifetime spent just like this.
Maybe that was selfish of her, especially not knowing if Cassian felt the same. With you didn't necessarily have to mean with you, and she was too cowardly to ask for clarification. Maybe it would become clear in time -
Now that they had it.
Jyn laughingly groaned, shaking her head no to his offer. "Couldn't take another bite if I tried."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-25 02:20 am (UTC)Couldn't take another bite… He suppressed a smile. He knew a lot of her life had been lived in deprivation. (His too; if he remember Jerón right, then genetically Cassian might have grown a lot taller and broader if—also if—he hadn't been so malnourished as a kid.) It was so good to see her laughing and content. In light of that. But also… at all.
He gathered up the leftovers, put them back in containers—maybe less meticulously than if he'd been alone—and got up to deposit all of it in the room's small conservator.
That, unfortunately, left him standing again. He turned to her, still smiling, but irresolute where to go. (Back to the bed? With her?)
no subject
Date: 2019-12-25 04:45 am (UTC)There had been a time that Jyn might have stuffed herself to the point of bursting if only because she didn't know where or when her next meal might come. But she felt comfortable and warm and content enough to trust that the leftovers would still be there when she wanted them again.
But perhaps more importantly was having the chance to see Cassian as loose and relaxed as she'd ever had the chance before. She was still sure that more important matter at hand was still in the forefront of his thoughts, Jyn was glad that she'd been able to grant Cassian even just a moment to get out of his head.
The room was quiet once the food was stored and Cassian turned to face her again, and Jyn didn't know how to say that yes, it was okay if he rejoined her on the bed, that yes, she wanted to be near him, yes, she wanted him right back where he belonged.
So, she didn't say anything, and she hoped that her open, honest expression said enough.
Please come back.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-29 07:24 am (UTC)But try trusting her.
The invitation seemed so clear, so brilliant on her incredible face… Welcome…
He smiled back and returned to the bed; only a little tentative still in his movements as he sat back down, one hand braced to the mattress—between them.
"I… don't think you actually said," he started. "If there's anything you want to do. Around other considerations." They'd talked about whether the Alliance would still have use for them, and that (thank the Force) they wanted to stick together. But did she have peacetime dreams, that hadn't been knocked out of her?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-30 06:24 am (UTC)Jyn settled her hand near Cassian's, just close enough for fingertips to touch, but allowing them both their own personal space in case that was too much, in case she inadvertently overloaded his senses.
Then he asked his question, and her smile faded until it was little more than a thin line as she thought through her answer. "I don't know, Cassian. I ... don't think that my skills translate well to law-abiding citizen."
She sighed then, dropped her gaze, pretended that the near-threadbare comforter was the most interesting feature of the room. "I've never given it any thought. I ... always assumed I'd be long-dead before this day."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-04 06:21 am (UTC)In an insufficient syllable, their uniquely kindred understanding—of the universe and each other—was still contained.
"Yeah."
Touching her, his brain unlocked a little. Struggled finally free of the intense gravity of the past and gained some altitude, where it could go in more directions, more flexibly, and see from a different angle. He'd never allowed himself to think much about what after the war would mean, not just for himself but for the universe. For the Alliance. However, as much as he was a student of Draven, he'd also been trained by Mon Mothma… and so didn't entirely surprise himself by hearing himself say: "You never know… It's a new government they're going to have to build. Sometimes those who've lived outside the old laws are the best at helping make new ones."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 06:11 pm (UTC)And while she might not know what the next step was going to be, she did know that she didn't have to take it alone.
While Cassian brought up a good point - a very good point - Jyn wasn't sure if she wanted to spend part of her after working for the new government. There was still time to figure it all out, and she was grateful for that. She couldn't possibly begin to make a solid decision now.
Quietly - "Is that what you think you might want to do?"
no subject
Date: 2020-01-15 09:01 am (UTC)He ran his thumb again over the back of her hand, eyes going a little unfocused, but not straying far from hers. "…I'd never stop pointing out how any law could be misused or broken. And since all laws can, we'd get nowhere. That's not really what laws or for, anyway—to be foolproof. And… I abdicated my rights to such things a long time ago." That was getting too close again to what he was surprisingly glad he'd said to Jyn but didn't want to say again or any more. So he finished with, "I'd much rather leave that sort of thing to Mon Mothma and Leia Organa. Their view is bigger than mine."
no subject
Date: 2020-01-28 04:41 am (UTC)As she listened to Cassian speak, she felt her heart lift a little with each word. For as much as she didn't want to stick around and try to make a place within the ranks of the new governing body that would need to be formed, if Cassian had said yes, Jyn would have followed.
Even though that was not the life she wanted to live nor the job she wanted to do, but she would have made a go of it just to continue spinning around and around in his orbit.
"Maybe they need that point of view in order to make the laws stronger, Cassian", she offered quietly, shrugging. "I just don't want to be the one giving it to them."
For the first time since she was eight years old, there was a big universe out there and Jyn was free to decide where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do. And all she could think about was how much she wanted to stay right here with Cassian for as long as possible instead.
no subject
Date: 2020-02-01 02:50 am (UTC)…He hesitated. A new thought had struck him.
"You know…"
His mouth was dry. He took a moment to swallow then continue.
"We… Part of why we can't know what to do with ourselves yet might be… We don't know what the Galaxy is going to be like, next. Hopefully some big things are gonna change.
"We could… get to know it. Before. Committing again.
"We could request an assignment together that would take us places. Get to know what's going on and report back.
"…Or we don't have to check in right away at all. Just… travel a bit. Meet the new universe."
Not everything, he was certain, would change. In some places, nothing; in others, not as much as they'd like. But still… some things might. They might.
[OOC: and somewhere in the galaxy, Leia shouts, I am not a committee!]
oop pretty sure i've already said i want it to be with you before. doesn't hurt to reiterate it!
Date: 2020-02-09 06:15 pm (UTC)For once in her life, Jyn didn't want to have to report to anyone, feel beholden to anyone. She wanted to be free. But Cassian had been doing his job for so long that he wouldn't really know what to do with himself without rules and regulations and orders.
And Jyn would have to learn how to compromise if she wanted to stay with Cassian.
He was right, though. Some things may not change quickly or at all. It was a brand new galaxy, a brand new era, and no one could begin to know what was going to happen.
She took a deep breath, tried to smile, probably failed at her attempt to appear as steady as she was trying to portray herself to be. Compromise flew right out the window when what she finally offered in response was -
"I want to take you and run away and never look back."
Immediately, Jyn sighed in frustration, dropped her gaze and shook her head slightly. Okay. Wrong thing to say. But she could still pull it back around, make herself less unreasonable in her wants. She'd had more time to come to terms with the war ending and what that might mean, after all.
Cassian - was still processing.
"But I can do that, I think, if it's what you want to do. Find a way to continue making myself useful."
Okay, that wasn't any better, the bitterness that colored her words just so.
"I don't know what the right decision is - ", Jyn quietly replied, raising her eyes slowly to meet Cassian's again. "I just know that whatever I do, I want it to be with you."
Part of why I take so long is reskimming the thread to see what I've said or not! :-D
Date: 2020-02-12 09:35 am (UTC)The way she tried to walk it back was… very touching, to him. A small sample of the efforts she was willing to make on his behalf, for his… (tethers? loyalties? issues.)
But maybe he was glad she'd said it and didn't need it walked back.
Maybe some of that could come across in how his hand shifted again. Turned over and transformed its tentative hold with hers into a solid one. And the intent, brighter look in his eyes when she raised hers.
Lightly, to encourage fantasizing not just planning, but also that new… excited light in his eyes… "Run away where?"
I just think 'that sounds familiar, I probably already wrote it somewhere OH WELL'. :0D
Date: 2020-02-13 07:37 am (UTC)And ... making a compromise didn't feel like a cop-out if it meant she and Cassian would continue to work (be?) together. Besides, what good would total freedom do for her if she didn't know how to use it?
At least she found some measure of relief when he turned his hand over and they were palm-to-palm before he adjusted his grip and their fingers were fully entwined. Momentarily, she thought about how much she didn't want to have to let go again. Not anytime soon, anyway.
Tentatively, her smile widened as she took in Cassian's new expression, a light shining in his eyes that she had never seen before, and was it because of her or the thought of running away together, or both - ?
"I don't know", she answered, slowly, a soft chuckle bubbling its way past her lips. "Are you a big city person or a quiet countryside kind of man? Glee Anselm, maybe, to see all the crystal-clear oceans."
no subject
Date: 2020-02-23 07:19 pm (UTC)What kind of man are you?
The kind who was supposed to have died. Who'd done what he'd done to make a new world, for others to live in. Who'd have given up his own place in it by what he did to help create it. And now…?
He thought of Kafrene, Jelucan, Coruscant, Jedha, Five Points Station, Varadan… big city. Then he thought of Pakrik Minor, Charissia, Lothal, …even Scarif. Quiet countryside. In a city, he feared he'd never stop looking over his shoulder. In the country, he was afraid he'd succumb to his thoughts.
But, either place, he'd be with Jyn. And if his… cognitive dissonance, manifested, to either… she already knew that. She was prepared. She understood.
Crystal-clear oceans. Perhaps they could sit on a beach, where they were consumed by nothing but sunset, and overwrite the memory of the last one where they'd been nearly consumed by kyber.
"I've never been to Glee Anselm," he said. "I'd like to. With you."