Nonsensical, maybe; he didn't care: "I should have."
He squeezed her hands, too; bent his head to stare at them, brow furrowed, mouth tight.
He managed to raise his head, but not his eyes all the way, to deliver this next. "I should know when things happen to you. I should be with you to try and help you with them. I should have been all along.
"…I don't want to spend the next four years like I spent the last four. Which was my fault. But… I was wrong. I couldn't… I didn't… It doesn't matter. I… if… If you… don't mind. I don't want to spend my next years far away from you."
Unfortunately, there was no way to go back and fix the mistakes of the past. And even though Jyn didn't tend to dwell on what ifs or could have beens, she almost wished that they could have had a chance to make things right, to have the chance to have spent those four years together more often than apart.
But she didn't blame Cassian for that - she couldn't. They had done what was necessary, even though it had torn her heart to shreds to only ever see each other in passing, and only rarely. That was war, not him.
Jyn ducked her head then, attempting to catch her breath. While she had certainly hoped for it, she knew that Cassian didn't have to move on from this point with her, but it sent her reeling to hear that he wanted to.
"No, Cassian, I - why wouldn't I want that? I'm not only here to retrieve you, I'm I ... I'm here because I want to be here. With you."
He wondered if they were talking about the same thing. …He wondered if he quite knew what that thing even was.
That was okay. If they were together, in whatever way, everything else was negotiable.
He dared to raise one of his hands… almost, almost brushing his fingertips to her face—thumb to her lips. But held back.
"I'm glad," he said, voice a little raspish. He didn't try to clear his throat. "And thank you. And I'm sorry—we haven't talked about this before now."
Maybe he should have been able to rise above it… but, until now, the war hadn't been over.
It was ... something. Something that had been building since ... the very beginning that had only just kept growing with time - with the reluctance on both of their parts to take the step to talk about it.
But there hadn't been a right time, and it hadn't seemed very fair to burden him with her feelings when there were far more important things to expend energy on.
Like the war.
She watched as Cassian lifted his hand, moved it closer, and almost touched her ... but paused. And while she wanted to breach the distance and meet him there, Jyn held steady. (As steady as she could, anyway.)
He repeated, trying to make himself understand it, believe it: "We have time."
Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled back his hand. —both his hands. He braced them both on the mattress on either side of him. He couldn't be touching her while he tried to think about this. It wasn't… fair? right? for whom?
"…I don't know which should come first," he said. "Talk to the Alliance and find out what comes next. Or talk to you and find out what comes next. Which should inform the other.
"I don't know… which is right. For anyone. For you."
It was difficult for Jyn to wrap her head around, too. Time, the opportunity to make a life that had nothing to do with fighting for survival after an entire life spent doing just that - !
With reluctance, Jyn released her grip on Cassian's hand and let him go. While she wanted to maintain contact, if he needed space and the time in which to process, she would give him that.
She couldn't be selfish and suggest that they think about themselves for once, not if it meant he might resent her for it in the end, after eveything.
"This can't be about me, Cassian. You have to decide what's right for you. And I suppose we'll just have to figure it out from there."
He had to figure out how to say this. How to do it carefully. How to be honest without…
"Following you let me go where I'd always wanted to go. Before, just for myself, I never could.
"Maybe what's right for me is what's also right for you.
"Because…"
It was surprisingly easy to word the next things. Even when he'd never let himself think about them. They were simply true.
"…I'm not good to myself. Not kind. Not trusting. Not forgiving. I don't think I deserve anything. I think what I did in war should banish me from peace. I think I should be dead. What's 'right' for me, as far as I'll ever judge, isn't what you'd say. Isn't what Kay would say. Isn't even what Mothma and Draven would.
"But you. I know what I want for you. What I think you deserve, whether you agree or not. And… if there's any way, any reason, I should approach, be able to find, any of that too… it wouldn't be on my own. Just for myself."
He was wincing by the end. Not particularly because he was revealing unexpected information about himself. More because… he was afraid he'd done exactly what he didn't want to. Make himself her problem. Her responsibility. Her burden.
Not… a partner. Who didn't want her to have to carry him there, but wanted to help her get there, herself. If she remotely needed or wanted him to.
It felt like a punch to the gut, hearing Cassian admit to things that she'd been suspecting for quite some time. He wasn't good or kind to himself, didn't trust himself, wouldn't forgive himself, even though what he'd done had all been in service of a greater cause.
She understood that guilt all too well. But whatever they did wasn't going to work if he put her on some pedestal and only ever orbited around it like a satellite. It wasn't going to work if there wasn't the chance that he could come to terms with some of his actions and decisions, that he could heal from some of his deep wounds.
"It's not your fault", she finally answered, quietly and carefully. "What happened to you. What you've had to do for all these years. And ... what we do from this point on isn't going to work if you continue to blame yourself and hate yourself for what you couldn't help. It isn't - how can we move on if you keep wishing to be dead?"
It wasn't going to work if he was going to look to her to absolve him of his sins - real or imagined. Force knew Jyn had her own to contend with, too.
He nodded slowly. She was right… and he knew that, even if he'd said part of it wrong, other parts couldn't be said right. They just had to change. Somehow.
"I… don't wish to be dead.
"I used to. Maybe I was trying to build a better life… for others. But, for myself, I was looking for a good death.
"Sometimes I think… we did die on Scarif. …Which I was ready to do. It was a better death than I ever could have hoped for or gotten on my own. I was so grateful to you for that.
"But since then… I haven't just been looking for the next way to die.
"I've been looking for the next way to do more… and come back.
"So… you're right. You're right about everything else. But… I meant: I expected to be dead before ever seeing peace. I don't want to be."
Perhaps the heightened emotions were taking a toll on both of them as well. In any case, Jyn was grateful (and relieved) for a little bit of explanation - although it still hurt to know that Cassian had gone through an unknown period of time maybe not wanting to die, but waiting for it nonetheless.
She ducked her head to take a shaky little breath, nodding her agreement as he mentioned Scarif and shared with her how he'd felt at what they both thought was the end. How could he have known that -
"I felt the same. That ... if I had to die, I was glad to have done something good first. I was ready, I think, and content enough to have been there with you."
Jyn raised her head again, her gaze finding Cassian's, holding it. "I don't want to waste the chance that we've been given. Especially because we are alive to see this day. I don't think I could stand making it to this point and then ... losing you."
Carefully - and only after Jyn tried once more to catch her breath - she reached out and took the offered hand, completing the circuit between them. She wasn't naive enough to think that there weren't still going to be difficulties despite the war's ending, but she still tried to hold onto the hope that there was still something to work toward.
She and Cassian had never really known peace, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it, but at the very least, she could now take solace in the knowledge that she wouldn't have to face it all alone anymore.
"I'll find you", she murmured, squeezing gently. "I'll bring you home."
He thought about kissing her hand. A halfway step… between kissing her at all and not. But… he didn't want there to be… any… condition. That needn't be part of this. This was going to be true no matter what might be added or taken away.
So he just closed his fingers around hers, squeezed her hand gently, all the while looking directly in her eyes; and offered a small smile.
It wouldn't have been right, breaching the distance that still remained, pressing her lips to his in a kiss that she'd been aching for for so long ... so Jyn kept still, grateful for the reassurance of the squeeze and the smile, however small and tentative it was.
It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
He returned her nod. He didn't know if he felt relieved or disappointed or… just… overloaded. Yeah. The third.
He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
Too much. Too soon. And if it was going to happen, Jyn wanted them both to be completely present. She had been waiting - pining - for four long years. She could wait for as long as it took. Besides, she felt that this conversation had been a huge turning point in their relationship as it was, and the last thing either of them needed was to be overwhelmed with anything else.
One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
He tried to remember when was the last time he'd seen her hair down, like this. He loved it
(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
Although she felt ... bare ... in front of Cassian, Jyn made no move to fix her hair in any way, wanting him to see her for exactly what she was in that moment, just a still-young woman who was as overwhelmed and scared to face whatever was to come next.
She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
He grinned. He had a new thought, handed her the carton, ducked into the 'fresher again, and came out with a fresh towel which he spread on the bed, to go under the food.
"Nothing exciting to drink," he said, pulling out one of the bottles they'd ordered and offering it to her. He avoided intoxicants, but he couldn't quite remember how Jyn felt about them. Whether she drank in company for pleasure or (like him, when he did) just for cred.
Now that was an expression that Jyn would like to see more of. It was impossible to temper her own return smile, so she ducked her head and kept hold of their food as she waited for his return, all the more amused when she realized what he'd brought back and why. It was no soft blanket, but it would do.
"I don't mind", she answered, easily accepting the bottle. Much like Cassian, Jyn wasn't much for intoxicants. She could fake the effects pretty convincingly, and only rarely ever actually partook. "This is enough for me."
He tapped the other bottle into hers. "Cheers." As he popped the cap, he belatedly remembered—yes, they did have something to drink to. He couldn't hold it in his mind.
Jyn wasn't sure that she was ready to toast that just quite yet. Everything still felt uncertain, including what the next step they took was going to be. At the very least, he'd made it clear that no matter what it was, they wouldn't be taking those steps alone or in different directions. And that, she thought, was what she wanted to toast to.
She knew that most likely, his concentration meant that he was getting lost in his thoughts again, so she gently nudged his shoulder with hers, didn't smile very widely, but wanted Cassian to know that she was right here with him.
He turned his head, their shoulders touching, and returned her small smile. Whatever else was happening that he couldn't fathom, this felt right.
The meal passed a little more lightheartedly. It was good to have actual things to focus on. He explained what things were if she needed, and avoided, best he could, admitting when he had no idea. Cassian wasn't known for healthy eating habits—on his own he probably would have skipped eating entirely. But with Jyn, it was downright… fun. Where alone his stomach would be in knots and nothing tasted good, he soaked in her tasting everything and it gave him enjoyment too.
Is this what I meant? Is this what she meant? Is this… good? how people do it? or is it too much to put on someone else if you can't do it yourself?
He sat back at last, pushing any remaining food toward Jyn. "Yours if you want it."
With food to share came a little bit of conversation, a little bit of levity in the midst of something decidedly heavier. And Jyn was grateful for it - the explanations that led into discussions of allergies and sharing a story from childhood about how eating a specific berry native to Lah'mu had, in Jyn's own words, made her cheeks blow up like a puffer fish.
And it felt good to have this with Cassian, to feel as normal as she ever had before, that something so simple as sharing a meal could bring so much joy.
She wanted -
She wanted a whole lifetime spent just like this.
Maybe that was selfish of her, especially not knowing if Cassian felt the same. With you didn't necessarily have to mean with you, and she was too cowardly to ask for clarification. Maybe it would become clear in time -
Now that they had it.
Jyn laughingly groaned, shaking her head no to his offer. "Couldn't take another bite if I tried."
So Cassian now knew that Jyn was allergic to the Lah'musian berry. He traded for the information by telling Jyn that he was allergic to Jogan fruit. Could come in handy if they ever needed to flush out an imposter, or knock the other out of commission for some reason, or… who cares. It was weaknesses shared. AKA trust.
Couldn't take another bite… He suppressed a smile. He knew a lot of her life had been lived in deprivation. (His too; if he remember Jerón right, then genetically Cassian might have grown a lot taller and broader if—also if—he hadn't been so malnourished as a kid.) It was so good to see her laughing and content. In light of that. But also… at all.
He gathered up the leftovers, put them back in containers—maybe less meticulously than if he'd been alone—and got up to deposit all of it in the room's small conservator.
That, unfortunately, left him standing again. He turned to her, still smiling, but irresolute where to go. (Back to the bed? With her?)
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-12-20 07:37 am (UTC)He squeezed her hands, too; bent his head to stare at them, brow furrowed, mouth tight.
He managed to raise his head, but not his eyes all the way, to deliver this next. "I should know when things happen to you. I should be with you to try and help you with them. I should have been all along.
"…I don't want to spend the next four years like I spent the last four. Which was my fault. But… I was wrong. I couldn't… I didn't… It doesn't matter. I… if… If you… don't mind. I don't want to spend my next years far away from you."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-20 03:50 pm (UTC)But she didn't blame Cassian for that - she couldn't. They had done what was necessary, even though it had torn her heart to shreds to only ever see each other in passing, and only rarely. That was war, not him.
Jyn ducked her head then, attempting to catch her breath. While she had certainly hoped for it, she knew that Cassian didn't have to move on from this point with her, but it sent her reeling to hear that he wanted to.
"No, Cassian, I - why wouldn't I want that? I'm not only here to retrieve you, I'm I ... I'm here because I want to be here. With you."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 04:33 am (UTC)That was okay. If they were together, in whatever way, everything else was negotiable.
He dared to raise one of his hands… almost, almost brushing his fingertips to her face—thumb to her lips. But held back.
"I'm glad," he said, voice a little raspish. He didn't try to clear his throat. "And thank you. And I'm sorry—we haven't talked about this before now."
Maybe he should have been able to rise above it… but, until now, the war hadn't been over.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 04:59 am (UTC)But there hadn't been a right time, and it hadn't seemed very fair to burden him with her feelings when there were far more important things to expend energy on.
Like the war.
She watched as Cassian lifted his hand, moved it closer, and almost touched her ... but paused. And while she wanted to breach the distance and meet him there, Jyn held steady. (As steady as she could, anyway.)
"We have time now."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 05:04 am (UTC)Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled back his hand. —both his hands. He braced them both on the mattress on either side of him. He couldn't be touching her while he tried to think about this. It wasn't… fair? right? for whom?
"…I don't know which should come first," he said. "Talk to the Alliance and find out what comes next. Or talk to you and find out what comes next. Which should inform the other.
"I don't know… which is right. For anyone. For you."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 05:13 am (UTC)With reluctance, Jyn released her grip on Cassian's hand and let him go. While she wanted to maintain contact, if he needed space and the time in which to process, she would give him that.
She couldn't be selfish and suggest that they think about themselves for once, not if it meant he might resent her for it in the end, after eveything.
"This can't be about me, Cassian. You have to decide what's right for you. And I suppose we'll just have to figure it out from there."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 05:29 am (UTC)"What if I want it to be about you?"
He had to figure out how to say this. How to do it carefully. How to be honest without…
"Following you let me go where I'd always wanted to go. Before, just for myself, I never could.
"Maybe what's right for me is what's also right for you.
"Because…"
It was surprisingly easy to word the next things. Even when he'd never let himself think about them. They were simply true.
"…I'm not good to myself. Not kind. Not trusting. Not forgiving. I don't think I deserve anything. I think what I did in war should banish me from peace. I think I should be dead. What's 'right' for me, as far as I'll ever judge, isn't what you'd say. Isn't what Kay would say. Isn't even what Mothma and Draven would.
"But you. I know what I want for you. What I think you deserve, whether you agree or not. And… if there's any way, any reason, I should approach, be able to find, any of that too… it wouldn't be on my own. Just for myself."
He was wincing by the end. Not particularly because he was revealing unexpected information about himself. More because… he was afraid he'd done exactly what he didn't want to. Make himself her problem. Her responsibility. Her burden.
Not… a partner. Who didn't want her to have to carry him there, but wanted to help her get there, herself. If she remotely needed or wanted him to.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 06:29 am (UTC)She understood that guilt all too well. But whatever they did wasn't going to work if he put her on some pedestal and only ever orbited around it like a satellite. It wasn't going to work if there wasn't the chance that he could come to terms with some of his actions and decisions, that he could heal from some of his deep wounds.
"It's not your fault", she finally answered, quietly and carefully. "What happened to you. What you've had to do for all these years. And ... what we do from this point on isn't going to work if you continue to blame yourself and hate yourself for what you couldn't help. It isn't - how can we move on if you keep wishing to be dead?"
It wasn't going to work if he was going to look to her to absolve him of his sins - real or imagined. Force knew Jyn had her own to contend with, too.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 07:20 am (UTC)"I… don't wish to be dead.
"I used to. Maybe I was trying to build a better life… for others. But, for myself, I was looking for a good death.
"Sometimes I think… we did die on Scarif. …Which I was ready to do. It was a better death than I ever could have hoped for or gotten on my own. I was so grateful to you for that.
"But since then… I haven't just been looking for the next way to die.
"I've been looking for the next way to do more… and come back.
"So… you're right. You're right about everything else. But… I meant: I expected to be dead before ever seeing peace. I don't want to be."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 07:57 am (UTC)She ducked her head to take a shaky little breath, nodding her agreement as he mentioned Scarif and shared with her how he'd felt at what they both thought was the end. How could he have known that -
"I felt the same. That ... if I had to die, I was glad to have done something good first. I was ready, I think, and content enough to have been there with you."
Jyn raised her head again, her gaze finding Cassian's, holding it. "I don't want to waste the chance that we've been given. Especially because we are alive to see this day. I don't think I could stand making it to this point and then ... losing you."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 10:55 am (UTC)"We know this universe," he said. "I can't promise I won't… get lost. But as far as I can control: I never want to leave your side again."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 05:48 pm (UTC)She and Cassian had never really known peace, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it, but at the very least, she could now take solace in the knowledge that she wouldn't have to face it all alone anymore.
"I'll find you", she murmured, squeezing gently. "I'll bring you home."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 06:47 am (UTC)So he just closed his fingers around hers, squeezed her hand gently, all the while looking directly in her eyes; and offered a small smile.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 07:11 am (UTC)It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 07:50 am (UTC)He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-22 03:07 pm (UTC)One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 12:34 am (UTC)He loved it(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 03:39 am (UTC)She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:05 am (UTC)"Nothing exciting to drink," he said, pulling out one of the bottles they'd ordered and offering it to her. He avoided intoxicants, but he couldn't quite remember how Jyn felt about them. Whether she drank in company for pleasure or (like him, when he did) just for cred.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:29 am (UTC)"I don't mind", she answered, easily accepting the bottle. Much like Cassian, Jyn wasn't much for intoxicants. She could fake the effects pretty convincingly, and only rarely ever actually partook. "This is enough for me."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:35 am (UTC)(
Like death in a living—?)He focused intently on unparceling the food.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 05:53 am (UTC)She knew that most likely, his concentration meant that he was getting lost in his thoughts again, so she gently nudged his shoulder with hers, didn't smile very widely, but wanted Cassian to know that she was right here with him.
"Thank you. Smells good."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 06:09 am (UTC)The meal passed a little more lightheartedly. It was good to have actual things to focus on. He explained what things were if she needed, and avoided, best he could, admitting when he had no idea. Cassian wasn't known for healthy eating habits—on his own he probably would have skipped eating entirely. But with Jyn, it was downright… fun. Where alone his stomach would be in knots and nothing tasted good, he soaked in her tasting everything and it gave him enjoyment too.
Is this what I meant? Is this what she meant? Is this… good? how people do it? or is it too much to put on someone else if you can't do it yourself?
He sat back at last, pushing any remaining food toward Jyn. "Yours if you want it."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-23 04:02 pm (UTC)With food to share came a little bit of conversation, a little bit of levity in the midst of something decidedly heavier. And Jyn was grateful for it - the explanations that led into discussions of allergies and sharing a story from childhood about how eating a specific berry native to Lah'mu had, in Jyn's own words, made her cheeks blow up like a puffer fish.
And it felt good to have this with Cassian, to feel as normal as she ever had before, that something so simple as sharing a meal could bring so much joy.
She wanted -
She wanted a whole lifetime spent just like this.
Maybe that was selfish of her, especially not knowing if Cassian felt the same. With you didn't necessarily have to mean with you, and she was too cowardly to ask for clarification. Maybe it would become clear in time -
Now that they had it.
Jyn laughingly groaned, shaking her head no to his offer. "Couldn't take another bite if I tried."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-25 02:20 am (UTC)Couldn't take another bite… He suppressed a smile. He knew a lot of her life had been lived in deprivation. (His too; if he remember Jerón right, then genetically Cassian might have grown a lot taller and broader if—also if—he hadn't been so malnourished as a kid.) It was so good to see her laughing and content. In light of that. But also… at all.
He gathered up the leftovers, put them back in containers—maybe less meticulously than if he'd been alone—and got up to deposit all of it in the room's small conservator.
That, unfortunately, left him standing again. He turned to her, still smiling, but irresolute where to go. (Back to the bed? With her?)
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From:oop pretty sure i've already said i want it to be with you before. doesn't hurt to reiterate it!
From:Part of why I take so long is reskimming the thread to see what I've said or not! :-D
From:I just think 'that sounds familiar, I probably already wrote it somewhere OH WELL'. :0D
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