Jyn required no apology and no explanation. Cassian's feelings were totally valid, no matter what they were. She was just there to offer reassurance and understanding in a tumultuous time.
And while her knees ached from holding them both up on the hard floor, she made no move to get up as of yet. Not until Cassian was ready. Until then, she would endure.
She breathed out what could be the hint of a chuckle at the comment, nodding gently. "I needed a shower, anyway."
He exhaled a kindred laugh, tightening his arms a little around hers. A quick look over his shoulder. Then he released her arms. He put out one hand to brace against the wall, and turned just enough to offer his other one to her, to lever them both up.
He'd find an expression full of concern, but also a small but clear weary relief. But she met his gaze and loosened her grip as he prepared to stand, accepting the offered hand so that she could rise to her feet with him.
He pushed them both up—and for a moment just stood there, facing Jyn, looking down at her. The water continued to rain on them.
For a moment, he was seeing her in all the changing light of their first two days. The situation room's green on Yavin 4, the red sun of Jedha, the dark rain of Eadu, the glare of Scarif…
He wanted, not for the first time, to grab and hold her and never let go.
He'd resisted before.
Now…
He let his hands fall from her arms, but didn't step away.
"I'm glad," he said. "The war is over. Beyond glad. It's just…"
Jyn didn't mind the water - but the creaky knees were another story altogether. She didn't groan as she stood up straight once more, but in her discomfort, she did wince slightly.
She tilted her chin to meet his eyes, and held the gaze steadily, but refrained from reaching out to gather him close once more. They might not exit the shower if she did that once more.
She listened.
And when Cassian was finished speaking - or at least as finished he was going to be after that confession, she nodded, a gentle understanding.
He didn't know… what… this new universe he hoped they were now facing… would do with him. Whether it would want anything to do with him. Whether he deserved to have anything to do with it. Part of never expecting to survive the war was being willing to do things for it that made him unfit to outlast…
Thinking hurt. He shut his eyes, tilted his head back to let the water pound his face, then gave a doglike shake of his head.
Should they go out and celebrate? Should they risk some kind of abandon? Should they…
It was the nicest way Jyn could think of to say you don't know if there's a place for you now and you don't think that you deserve it, even if you find it. And hell, Jyn felt exactly the same - but what was there to do but go out there and face it, discover what it helo for them together.
Because after everything, there was no way she would ever think of leaving Cassian now.
For a moment, her lips lifted into the approximation of a smile. "Yeah. It's probably for the best - we're already soaked to the bone."
He tried a smile back, then ducked his head and turned around to end the shower.
He didn't hesitate in facing her again, but the seconds-long pause had been enough for his face to regain some neutrality.
Which didn't last very long. A crease appeared between his brows; and he stepped out of the cubicle still facing her, to grab a towel and hold it out, touching it to her face.
It didn't quite reach his eyes - but then, Jyn hadn't expected it to. Cassian hadn't had nearly enough time to process the information that she had shared. Truth be told, Jyn hadn't really managed it, either, and she'd had more time to let it all sink in.
She understood his reasoning when it came to straightening his mask before turning to face her again.
Jyn was well aware that she probably looked a mess, but she cared less for her state of being than she did Cassian's. "Get undressed", she gently ordered, her voice muffled by the towel. "Need to get you some dry clothes."
The eyebrows lifted ever so slightly, but it turned into a suppressed smile as he started to follow her order. (As he always did.) Stripping off jacket, belt, holster, and boots—all, including weapons and transponder, made for any weather, so not damaged; just dripping. He set the boots upside-down in the shower cubicle and slung the rest over the partition to drip-dry.
(He didn't, however, start to remove his shirt or pants.)
"I've only got one change of clothes. Do you have anything with you?" If not, she could take the shirt and he'd take the pants until the rest of their things dried.
(…and now he was thinking about Jyn wearing his shirt and nothing else and feeling extremely aware of both their sodden, clinging clothes. Okay, calm down; adrenaline, elation and mourning, swinging your moods, screwing with your head… don't get caught up)
Jyn watched. Satisfied to see the efficient removal of jacket, belt, holster, and boots, she began working at her own kit as well. Maybe it had been a bit thoughtless of her to get into the shower with Cassian while fully dressed without anything else to change into, but ... she hadn't exactly thought about the consequences at the time.
So of course that was the question that Cassian asked, and Jyn glanced up, shrugging her shoulders with a self-deprecating little twist of her lips. "Not here I don't."
And she wasn't about to walk or ride anywhere looking like a half-drowned womprat.
"Thought I'd just ... I don't know ... wear a towel until these dried out enough."
(Hells, she was just as aware of their proximity, his eyes on her, how long it had been since they'd seen each other last and all too suddenly, she found it just a little more difficult to breathe.)
"We can divide up my clean things. The shirt should be pretty big on you."
Trying as he was not to let his heightened, chaotic feelings get the best of him… he couldn't say why he let himself reach out and brush some damp hair out of her eyes.
He quickly dropped his hand and his eyes, and diverted to grabbing a second towel. "I… um… can change out there, if you want in here." The floor would survive some puddling.
"Guess we're not planning on going out to celebrate." …He hadn't been anyway. He didn't like intoxicants, there wasn't much else to do around here that wasn't far worse, and if the gang that had followed them were anything to go by, not everyone else would be on the same page re: the war being over.
She laughed then - a high, thin, nervous note. Nervous? Why would she have any reason to feel ... and then he reached out to move her hair away from her eyes and Jyn struggled to keep still.
She had missed Cassian so desperately, and she wanted nothing more than to just ... get lost in each other for a little while, until it was time to pack up and leave and ... figure out what next.
"It'll probably reach my knees", is what she finally offered in response, nodding her agreement.
She mopped the water from her face, and glanced back at Cassian, her brow furrowing as she shook her head no. "You can stay, I don't mind."
No, she didn't want to go out and celebrate. This wasn't exactly the place to do it, and they didn't need any trouble. It would be the smartest and safest thing to stay in. And given their current state, probably the only good option they had. "Probably best not to, no."
When he'd seen the scene unfolding on the Eadu platform, it had seemed so obvious what was happening, but he hadn't trusted his own interpretations. Because he was compromised. He wanted too badly to assume objectivity. And what was unfolding seemed so clearly to be what he wanted it to be. (Confirmation of Jyn's story.)
Her laugh and body language seemed very clear… but so much what Cassian wanted them to be…
He kept himself to a small smile, agreeing, and turning around. They were both modern people, there was no need to protest too much about getting undressed… but giving her his back was as much a sign of trust, between those who knew combat (and had as many scars there), as it was of courtesy.
He never looked over his shoulder, either to look at her or see if she was looking at him, as he removed the rest of his clothes; and gave himself a cursory scrub over with the towel.
It wasn't as though Jyn hadn't undressed with others in the room before. Personal space had come so few and far between when she had been with the Partisans, and then of course there had been Wobani. Here, though, there was no threat of getting stabbed in the back if she let her guard down.
So she did, seemingly without a care. Although before she started working at removing her drenched clothing, she spared one last glance over her shoulder before setting the removing her own clothing and carefully drying off, shivering as cool air came into contact with bare skin.
Once that was done and she was satisfied, Jyn took down her hair in order to do the same.
He finished, wrapped the towel around his waist; and did start to glance over his shoulder, but stopped himself.
"I'll get the clothes," he said. "Cold draft in five… four…" He opened the door on zero. Sure enough, a chill swept through the 'fresher. He quickly stepped through and closed the door most of the way to keep more cold out.
He hadn't unpacked. (Of course.) Just opened his duffel. He didn't have to root around. There wasn't much inside and he knew where every piece of it was. In short order, he'd pulled on the dry fatigues, slung the towel around his neck to put some barrier between his upper body and the air, and moved back to the 'fresher. He tapped unnecessarily on the ajar door, and passed the shirt and undershorts through. "I've never worn them. Fresh from Provisions."
It would have been fine if he had stolen a glance. Once done drying off (her hair was another story - it was going to be damp for quite a while still), she had wrapped the towel around her as securely as she could manage, although it still only barely brushed the tops of her thighs.
"Alright - ", she answered, steeling herself for the new cold air rushed into the 'fresher as he departed, blowing out a sharp little breath as she tugged her towel just a little tighter around her, for whatever good that would do.
Soon enough, Cassian knocked, announcing his presence, and handed clothing through the door. "Thank you", she murmured, barely waiting a moment after that before dropping the towel completely to pull on first the shorts and then the shirt, sighing at slight warmth they offered.
It would get better, but for the moment, she was content enough. Once satisfied that she wasn't going to give Cassian too much of an eyeful, she stepped into the main room awkwardly.
He succeeded in not looking too long or too hard at her. Just a confirmation that the shirt did its job, and a slight smile.
What now?
He just stood where he was, alternately looking at her and out the window.
A new universe. The same old universe. An end. A beginning. What?
They could talk, he supposed. There really wasn't anyone else he'd confide in—confess to—try to plan with. But even with her, he didn't want that. Talking had its uses but right now…
It was one vast, bottomless wait and see. What the Rebellion might be—step aside for or become—whether he still had a place in it, what that place might even look like assuming any of his skills or being could be repurposed for peace…
Would the peace even last? And for how long? How peaceful could any new transition really be?
Was retirement an option? The war no longer had him from without; could he ever remove it from within?
And if he did, what would that even look like? Would he be able to take it? Could he ever accept it? When what he deserved…
He looked back at her, that precipice behind his face. He couldn't think what to suggest or ask or say.
Maybe comm channels would be catching up. Maybe there were reports and announcements to listen to.
Even that, though…
For the next five, ten, hundred minutes… there was nothing immediately to do.
And without that…
He thought about asking why her. Why did she come to tell him, this way. But he knew that already.
"Do you have any idea," he said at last, "what comes next? After we go back?" Or… right now?
The only thing keeping Jyn from leaving gravity and spinning into the vastness of space was Cassian himself. So, while she would have loved nothing more than to be able to offer him an answer to his questions, she had been wondering the exact same things.
She didn't know if she had the capacity to be anything other than what she already was - and what she was was irreparably broken. The skills that she had picked up over the years weren't meant to be used in the course of a respectable life.
So ... what?
Run more - even though there was nothing and no one to run from? Find a new fight? Start one? All things considered, what other options did she even really have?
The Rebellion was no more. And whatever would come next might need diplomats more than they would soldiers. And Jyn Erso was not and would never be a diplomat.
One thing was for sure, at least, and that was that instead of running when there was no longer any need to stay, Jyn had come here instead.
"I don't know", she eventually replied, her eyebrows knitting together as she shrugged one shoulder slightly. "They may still have use for us. They may not. I suppose we've got to decide what it is that we want to do."
She no longer had a home or a family to return to. But here she was, regardless.
Want to do. …That… had never been a consideration—a factor in his life. Not ever.
Because he had to make some decision, he crossed the room to the bed and sat on it. His hands stayed on his knees and his eyes stayed on the window. Through the smog, the stars were beginning to come out.
"When was the last time you did something because you wanted to?" he asked quietly. Rhetorically, if she so chose… but if she really answered, he found himself acutely wanting to know. Something Jyn Erso had wanted.
Want had been intrinsically linked with need since Lah'mu and the loss of her parents. But Jyn could clearly recall at least a few particular wants that always set her nerves on edge whenever they once more made themselves known.
I want my Mama! Where is my Papa? - through tears as she ineffectually tried to pummel the man who'd rescued her from her hiding place that cold, rainy day.
I want to kiss you - unspoken but felt in every atom of her body as she helped Cassian into the lift and kept close in order to ensure that he didn't fall. You believed me and thank you and you came back you came back you came back and I wish we had more time swirling around and around in her mind. Oh, how she wanted to show him, but she hadn't.
I want to live. Please, I want to live - as they held each other tight, waiting for that blaze of light from her father's weapon to blast them into nothing. I wish we had more time.
Jyn ducked her head, swallowed hard, took a deep breath and then another. Finally, she was able to move forward, one small step at a time until she was settling next to Cassian on the bed - close, but not too close, not crowding him or invading his space, a silent reminder that he was not alone.
When was the last time you did something because you wanted to …
"I stayed", she murmured, a hoarse edge to her voice. "After Scarif. When everyone thought that I was going to cut and run. And I didn't do it because I felt like like I owed it to anyone or - or … "
She sighed brokenly, shaking her head slowly. "I stayed because I wanted to. Because it was the right thing to do. Because - "
Jyn didn't continue the thought. But she did settle her worn, calloused hand gently against his. She was here now because she wanted to be, because it had been four long years that they had spent most separated and it had been excruciatingly difficult.
Heart pounding so hard he was sure she could see it
Tentatively, his fingers curled to return her touch.
"I was so glad," he said, through a suddenly dry throat. "That you did. Every time I went away, I worried you wouldn't still be there when I got back. Worried I'd… I just didn't know… how, or… whether… to…"
What vanity was that, to assume her staying or going had anything to do with…?
"I was so ready to die. At Scarif. …I never thought… this, today, would really happen."
The situation is overwhelming enough - the sudden realization that everything he's ever known is coming to an end, the uncertainty of what the future held, the last thing that Jyn wanted was to ...
Complicate things ...
with her feelings.
But he accepted the touch of her hand, and carefully, she breached a little more the distance separating them, her shoulder brushing against his as shse shifted just a touch closer, a millimeter at a time, her heartbeat stuttering as he admitted to the same worries that she felt every time they were apart.
Not that she thought he was going to leave, but rather that one of his dangerous missions was going to take him from her before she ever got the chance to ...
Was it too much if she just -
"I didn't have a home until you gave me one. I never even considered not coming back to it."
To you.
It felt like a punch to the gut when he continued, admitting to a feeling that she was intimately familiar with, possibly moreso than even Cassian knew. "Me, too", she finally replied, fingers inadvertently squeezing his a gently. "I ... was grateful that I wasn't alone. I knew what was coming, but I felt ready for it ... because I was with you."
The corner of her lips inched up as she nodded her explicit understanding and agreement. "I know. But here we are."
As far as he'd been concerned, she'd earned it. She'd always belonged there. He wasn't giving, he was just letting her know that they knew—what was already true.
He was looking at their hands, again. (Had he stopped?) At her gentle squeeze, he let his fingers slip between hers, alternating, twining them together. (Not knowing how he dared, just doing it.) Then he lifted their joined hands to no longer (be a) wedge between them, but to rest, still interclasped, on their touching knees.
He wanted to keep hearing her. Her voice, her words, her thoughts, anything—everything she was willing to share. Maybe that was selfishness; because she grounded him, because she comforted him; because she (however he'd tried to resist and feared losing it) was his constant, his guidance, his dreams, for so long and still…
And maybe it wasn't fair to ask a question he wouldn't be prepared to answer… what ifs were only good for planning ahead, not for looking behind… he'd never been able to afford or survive them…
He asked anyway.
"Have you thought what your life would have been, without the war? Without the Empire?"
Even if Cassian never knew it, he had become her guiding light, the beacon that called her back home, and if that beacon had ever gone out, she would have been lost.
Jyn had never admitted as such out loud, and wasn't even sure that she even could. Maybe they would have had a chance in another life, but in this one? Maybe they were both too irreparably damaged for it. Or maybe she was too much of a coward to find out.
But she could memorize every moment of this, especially how careful Cassian was as he carefully entwined their fingers and guided those clasped hands to settle against the shelf of their knees.
She wished she had a good answer to Cassian's question, but the truth was (as he probably already knew) that she tried not to live in the past or in what if situations. She couldn't change what had already come to pass and living in fantasy was useless and would only serve to break her broken heart and the further.
The only way forward was to keep her eyes on the present. No more, no less.
"I've tried not to", she replied, fingers flexing unconsciously. "But I like to think that I would've been happy. What about you?"
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 09:37 am (UTC)And while her knees ached from holding them both up on the hard floor, she made no move to get up as of yet. Not until Cassian was ready. Until then, she would endure.
She breathed out what could be the hint of a chuckle at the comment, nodding gently. "I needed a shower, anyway."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 10:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 10:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 10:49 am (UTC)For a moment, he was seeing her in all the changing light of their first two days. The situation room's green on Yavin 4, the red sun of Jedha, the dark rain of Eadu, the glare of Scarif…
He wanted, not for the first time, to grab and hold her and never let go.
He'd resisted before.
Now…
He let his hands fall from her arms, but didn't step away.
"I'm glad," he said. "The war is over. Beyond glad. It's just…"
She already knew. And he knew she did. But…
She'd said 'Let it out'.
"…I wasn't supposed to live to see it.
"Let alone… live. In it."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 11:04 am (UTC)She tilted her chin to meet his eyes, and held the gaze steadily, but refrained from reaching out to gather him close once more. They might not exit the shower if she did that once more.
She listened.
And when Cassian was finished speaking - or at least as finished he was going to be after that confession, she nodded, a gentle understanding.
"You don't know what to do with yourself."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 11:09 am (UTC)He didn't know… what… this new universe he hoped they were now facing… would do with him. Whether it would want anything to do with him. Whether he deserved to have anything to do with it. Part of never expecting to survive the war was being willing to do things for it that made him unfit to outlast…
Thinking hurt. He shut his eyes, tilted his head back to let the water pound his face, then gave a doglike shake of his head.
Should they go out and celebrate? Should they risk some kind of abandon? Should they…
"Should… I… um… turn off the water?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 11:24 am (UTC)Because after everything, there was no way she would ever think of leaving Cassian now.
For a moment, her lips lifted into the approximation of a smile. "Yeah. It's probably for the best - we're already soaked to the bone."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-14 11:49 am (UTC)He didn't hesitate in facing her again, but the seconds-long pause had been enough for his face to regain some neutrality.
Which didn't last very long. A crease appeared between his brows; and he stepped out of the cubicle still facing her, to grab a towel and hold it out, touching it to her face.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 04:09 am (UTC)She understood his reasoning when it came to straightening his mask before turning to face her again.
Jyn was well aware that she probably looked a mess, but she cared less for her state of being than she did Cassian's. "Get undressed", she gently ordered, her voice muffled by the towel. "Need to get you some dry clothes."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 07:07 am (UTC)(He didn't, however, start to remove his shirt or pants.)
"I've only got one change of clothes. Do you have anything with you?" If not, she could take the shirt and he'd take the pants until the rest of their things dried.
(…and now he was thinking about Jyn wearing his shirt and nothing else and feeling extremely aware of both their sodden, clinging clothes. Okay, calm down; adrenaline, elation and mourning, swinging your moods, screwing with your head… don't get caught up)
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 07:18 am (UTC)So of course that was the question that Cassian asked, and Jyn glanced up, shrugging her shoulders with a self-deprecating little twist of her lips. "Not here I don't."
And she wasn't about to walk or ride anywhere looking like a half-drowned womprat.
"Thought I'd just ... I don't know ... wear a towel until these dried out enough."
(Hells, she was just as aware of their proximity, his eyes on her, how long it had been since they'd seen each other last and all too suddenly, she found it just a little more difficult to breathe.)
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 07:36 am (UTC)Trying as he was not to let his heightened, chaotic feelings get the best of him… he couldn't say why he let himself reach out and brush some damp hair out of her eyes.
He quickly dropped his hand and his eyes, and diverted to grabbing a second towel. "I… um… can change out there, if you want in here." The floor would survive some puddling.
"Guess we're not planning on going out to celebrate." …He hadn't been anyway. He didn't like intoxicants, there wasn't much else to do around here that wasn't far worse, and if the gang that had followed them were anything to go by, not everyone else would be on the same page re: the war being over.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 07:51 am (UTC)She had missed Cassian so desperately, and she wanted nothing more than to just ... get lost in each other for a little while, until it was time to pack up and leave and ... figure out what next.
"It'll probably reach my knees", is what she finally offered in response, nodding her agreement.
She mopped the water from her face, and glanced back at Cassian, her brow furrowing as she shook her head no. "You can stay, I don't mind."
No, she didn't want to go out and celebrate. This wasn't exactly the place to do it, and they didn't need any trouble. It would be the smartest and safest thing to stay in. And given their current state, probably the only good option they had. "Probably best not to, no."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 08:01 am (UTC)Her laugh and body language seemed very clear… but so much what Cassian wanted them to be…
He kept himself to a small smile, agreeing, and turning around. They were both modern people, there was no need to protest too much about getting undressed… but giving her his back was as much a sign of trust, between those who knew combat (and had as many scars there), as it was of courtesy.
He never looked over his shoulder, either to look at her or see if she was looking at him, as he removed the rest of his clothes; and gave himself a cursory scrub over with the towel.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-15 02:56 pm (UTC)So she did, seemingly without a care. Although before she started working at removing her drenched clothing, she spared one last glance over her shoulder before setting the removing her own clothing and carefully drying off, shivering as cool air came into contact with bare skin.
Once that was done and she was satisfied, Jyn took down her hair in order to do the same.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 04:19 am (UTC)"I'll get the clothes," he said. "Cold draft in five… four…" He opened the door on zero. Sure enough, a chill swept through the 'fresher. He quickly stepped through and closed the door most of the way to keep more cold out.
He hadn't unpacked. (Of course.) Just opened his duffel. He didn't have to root around. There wasn't much inside and he knew where every piece of it was. In short order, he'd pulled on the dry fatigues, slung the towel around his neck to put some barrier between his upper body and the air, and moved back to the 'fresher. He tapped unnecessarily on the ajar door, and passed the shirt and undershorts through. "I've never worn them. Fresh from Provisions."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 04:38 am (UTC)"Alright - ", she answered, steeling herself for the new cold air rushed into the 'fresher as he departed, blowing out a sharp little breath as she tugged her towel just a little tighter around her, for whatever good that would do.
Soon enough, Cassian knocked, announcing his presence, and handed clothing through the door. "Thank you", she murmured, barely waiting a moment after that before dropping the towel completely to pull on first the shorts and then the shirt, sighing at slight warmth they offered.
It would get better, but for the moment, she was content enough. Once satisfied that she wasn't going to give Cassian too much of an eyeful, she stepped into the main room awkwardly.
...
What now?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 05:02 am (UTC)What now?
He just stood where he was, alternately looking at her and out the window.
A new universe. The same old universe. An end. A beginning. What?
They could talk, he supposed. There really wasn't anyone else he'd confide in—confess to—try to plan with. But even with her, he didn't want that. Talking had its uses but right now…
It was one vast, bottomless wait and see. What the Rebellion might be—step aside for or become—whether he still had a place in it, what that place might even look like assuming any of his skills or being could be repurposed for peace…
Would the peace even last? And for how long? How peaceful could any new transition really be?
Was retirement an option? The war no longer had him from without; could he ever remove it from within?
And if he did, what would that even look like? Would he be able to take it? Could he ever accept it? When what he deserved…
He looked back at her, that precipice behind his face. He couldn't think what to suggest or ask or say.
Maybe comm channels would be catching up. Maybe there were reports and announcements to listen to.
Even that, though…
For the next five, ten, hundred minutes… there was nothing immediately to do.
And without that…
He thought about asking why her. Why did she come to tell him, this way. But he knew that already.
"Do you have any idea," he said at last, "what comes next? After we go back?" Or… right now?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 05:30 am (UTC)She didn't know if she had the capacity to be anything other than what she already was - and what she was was irreparably broken. The skills that she had picked up over the years weren't meant to be used in the course of a respectable life.
So ... what?
Run more - even though there was nothing and no one to run from? Find a new fight? Start one? All things considered, what other options did she even really have?
The Rebellion was no more. And whatever would come next might need diplomats more than they would soldiers. And Jyn Erso was not and would never be a diplomat.
One thing was for sure, at least, and that was that instead of running when there was no longer any need to stay, Jyn had come here instead.
"I don't know", she eventually replied, her eyebrows knitting together as she shrugged one shoulder slightly. "They may still have use for us. They may not. I suppose we've got to decide what it is that we want to do."
She no longer had a home or a family to return to. But here she was, regardless.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 09:07 am (UTC)Because he had to make some decision, he crossed the room to the bed and sat on it. His hands stayed on his knees and his eyes stayed on the window. Through the smog, the stars were beginning to come out.
"When was the last time you did something because you wanted to?" he asked quietly. Rhetorically, if she so chose… but if she really answered, he found himself acutely wanting to know. Something Jyn Erso had wanted.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-16 08:04 pm (UTC)I want my Mama! Where is my Papa? - through tears as she ineffectually tried to pummel the man who'd rescued her from her hiding place that cold, rainy day.
I want to kiss you - unspoken but felt in every atom of her body as she helped Cassian into the lift and kept close in order to ensure that he didn't fall. You believed me and thank you and you came back you came back you came back and I wish we had more time swirling around and around in her mind. Oh, how she wanted to show him, but she hadn't.
I want to live. Please, I want to live - as they held each other tight, waiting for that blaze of light from her father's weapon to blast them into nothing. I wish we had more time.
Jyn ducked her head, swallowed hard, took a deep breath and then another. Finally, she was able to move forward, one small step at a time until she was settling next to Cassian on the bed - close, but not too close, not crowding him or invading his space, a silent reminder that he was not alone.
When was the last time you did something because you wanted to …
"I stayed", she murmured, a hoarse edge to her voice. "After Scarif. When everyone thought that I was going to cut and run. And I didn't do it because I felt like like I owed it to anyone or - or … "
She sighed brokenly, shaking her head slowly. "I stayed because I wanted to. Because it was the right thing to do. Because - "
Jyn didn't continue the thought. But she did settle her worn, calloused hand gently against his. She was here now because she wanted to be, because it had been four long years that they had spent most separated and it had been excruciatingly difficult.
She was here now because she wanted -
A chance.
no subject
Date: 2019-12-17 06:17 am (UTC)He looked down at the touch of her hand on his.
He stayed looking down a little too long.
Heart pounding so hard he was sure she could see it
Tentatively, his fingers curled to return her touch.
"I was so glad," he said, through a suddenly dry throat. "That you did. Every time I went away, I worried you wouldn't still be there when I got back. Worried I'd… I just didn't know… how, or… whether… to…"
What vanity was that, to assume her staying or going had anything to do with…?
"I was so ready to die. At Scarif. …I never thought… this, today, would really happen."
Was any of this legit? Not just insult?
no subject
Date: 2019-12-17 07:16 am (UTC)Complicate things ...
with her feelings.
But he accepted the touch of her hand, and carefully, she breached a little more the distance separating them, her shoulder brushing against his as shse shifted just a touch closer, a millimeter at a time, her heartbeat stuttering as he admitted to the same worries that she felt every time they were apart.
Not that she thought he was going to leave, but rather that one of his dangerous missions was going to take him from her before she ever got the chance to ...
Was it too much if she just -
"I didn't have a home until you gave me one. I never even considered not coming back to it."
To you.
It felt like a punch to the gut when he continued, admitting to a feeling that she was intimately familiar with, possibly moreso than even Cassian knew. "Me, too", she finally replied, fingers inadvertently squeezing his a gently. "I ... was grateful that I wasn't alone. I knew what was coming, but I felt ready for it ... because I was with you."
The corner of her lips inched up as she nodded her explicit understanding and agreement. "I know. But here we are."
no subject
Date: 2019-12-17 07:30 am (UTC)Welcome home
As far as he'd been concerned, she'd earned it. She'd always belonged there. He wasn't giving, he was just letting her know that they knew—what was already true.
He was looking at their hands, again. (Had he stopped?) At her gentle squeeze, he let his fingers slip between hers, alternating, twining them together. (Not knowing how he dared, just doing it.) Then he lifted their joined hands to no longer (be a) wedge between them, but to rest, still interclasped, on their touching knees.
He wanted to keep hearing her. Her voice, her words, her thoughts, anything—everything she was willing to share. Maybe that was selfishness; because she grounded him, because she comforted him; because she (however he'd tried to resist and feared losing it) was his constant, his guidance, his dreams, for so long and still…
And maybe it wasn't fair to ask a question he wouldn't be prepared to answer… what ifs were only good for planning ahead, not for looking behind… he'd never been able to afford or survive them…
He asked anyway.
"Have you thought what your life would have been, without the war? Without the Empire?"
no subject
Date: 2019-12-18 03:47 am (UTC)Jyn had never admitted as such out loud, and wasn't even sure that she even could. Maybe they would have had a chance in another life, but in this one? Maybe they were both too irreparably damaged for it. Or maybe she was too much of a coward to find out.
But she could memorize every moment of this, especially how careful Cassian was as he carefully entwined their fingers and guided those clasped hands to settle against the shelf of their knees.
She wished she had a good answer to Cassian's question, but the truth was (as he probably already knew) that she tried not to live in the past or in what if situations. She couldn't change what had already come to pass and living in fantasy was useless and would only serve to break her broken heart and the further.
The only way forward was to keep her eyes on the present. No more, no less.
"I've tried not to", she replied, fingers flexing unconsciously. "But I like to think that I would've been happy. What about you?"
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:oop pretty sure i've already said i want it to be with you before. doesn't hurt to reiterate it!
From:Part of why I take so long is reskimming the thread to see what I've said or not! :-D
From:I just think 'that sounds familiar, I probably already wrote it somewhere OH WELL'. :0D
From:(no subject)
From: