Perhaps coincidentally, Jyn wasn't content with the thought of letting go, either. She wasn't prepared to confront what Cassian's reluctance to do the same meant, not yet, but maybe once they'd had some time to settle, to come to terms with what they both believed was a neverending war ... ending.
At least ordering food brought them a little bit of levity as they embarked upon deciding exactly what to get. "Are there even many choices about what to get?"
"Fewer that deliver. Room service might be the best option. But it's worth looking. Have you ever tried Falleen stir fry?"
(Urban legend was that Falleen cuisine could be as pheromone-strong as they themselves, with associated effects, but he knew that was nonsense. …As long as the food wasn't raw, at least.)
Jyn's stomach growled softly at the suggestion, and she shrugged in reply. Okay. Maybe she hadn't eaten for longer than she originally thought. "I haven't. I don't even know what's in it, but right now I can't bring myself to care. I'll have some of it's available."
This felt ... better, and Jyn supposed she should be grateful for that small mercy.
In not too long, the orders were placed, and—with barest hesitation—he set the datapad aside.
More time to spend until it got here… spending time… while not having to fit something into it, use it before it ran out, use it to get from here to there… use it, full stop. Rather, just… be in it.
He opened his mouth and closed it again. This was… he was good with words. He had to be. But usually when he had an alias or an agenda. Right now… He didn't want to ask if she'd come to find him on her own, or had been sent. It felt like… doubting her, somehow. And he didn't.
Free time was such a foreign concept to them both. Even when they were off-duty, there was always something else to see to, always assistance that could be offered elsewhere, always preparations to make for the next mission.
And now ...
For the time being, at least, they had nothing but time. Jyn hardly knew what to do with herself, but at least she could focus on Cassian instead, on steadying him if he needed her to, offering answers to questions that she didnt' even think she had the answers for if it helped in any way.
Jyn huffed out a breath, shrugging slightly. "Getting discharged from medbay on Home One. I'd gotten burned on the last mission, and needed the bacta tank. They were mobilizing a strike team when the news arrived. After the initial shock, it just erupted in laughter, tears - nobody knew how to react, least of all me."
She paused, offering another gentle squeeze, and continued.
"I would've come to find you even if they hadn't asked me to."
She'd read his mind… not terribly surprising, they'd done that for each other before… but his mind had suddenly snapped to this other subject. (Could take him even out of the war pfassking ending.) Wide-eyed, he turned where he sat, to face her full-on; the hands between them still linked, his empty hand now also lifting to her. "You were burned bad enough to need the tank? How? Are you—" Well, stupid to ask are you okay when post-bacta of course she'd be, but… Here comes another stupid statement, because why and how would he? nonetheless: "I didn't know…"
They had spent the majority of the past four years being pulled in different directions - close calls and injuries were just a hazard of the jobs they were doing. She was sure Cassian had had his fair share in that time, too, close calls and injuries that she was not aware of.
Still, she hadn't meant to worry Cassian, and judging by his (surprising) reaction, she had done just that. Still, he wouldn't want her to downplay the incident, and there really was no way to make it sound any better. Might as well go with the truth.
"Buckethead with a flamethrower got a little too close. There was some nerve damage, some of the scars are never going to fade, but I made it into the tank in time. Could've been worse than it turned out to be."
Jyn sighed softly, squeezed their clasped hands a little more tightly, shaking her head just so.
"You couldn't have."
And that wasn't his fault, either. It was just how these things went.
Nonsensical, maybe; he didn't care: "I should have."
He squeezed her hands, too; bent his head to stare at them, brow furrowed, mouth tight.
He managed to raise his head, but not his eyes all the way, to deliver this next. "I should know when things happen to you. I should be with you to try and help you with them. I should have been all along.
"…I don't want to spend the next four years like I spent the last four. Which was my fault. But… I was wrong. I couldn't… I didn't… It doesn't matter. I… if… If you… don't mind. I don't want to spend my next years far away from you."
Unfortunately, there was no way to go back and fix the mistakes of the past. And even though Jyn didn't tend to dwell on what ifs or could have beens, she almost wished that they could have had a chance to make things right, to have the chance to have spent those four years together more often than apart.
But she didn't blame Cassian for that - she couldn't. They had done what was necessary, even though it had torn her heart to shreds to only ever see each other in passing, and only rarely. That was war, not him.
Jyn ducked her head then, attempting to catch her breath. While she had certainly hoped for it, she knew that Cassian didn't have to move on from this point with her, but it sent her reeling to hear that he wanted to.
"No, Cassian, I - why wouldn't I want that? I'm not only here to retrieve you, I'm I ... I'm here because I want to be here. With you."
He wondered if they were talking about the same thing. …He wondered if he quite knew what that thing even was.
That was okay. If they were together, in whatever way, everything else was negotiable.
He dared to raise one of his hands… almost, almost brushing his fingertips to her face—thumb to her lips. But held back.
"I'm glad," he said, voice a little raspish. He didn't try to clear his throat. "And thank you. And I'm sorry—we haven't talked about this before now."
Maybe he should have been able to rise above it… but, until now, the war hadn't been over.
It was ... something. Something that had been building since ... the very beginning that had only just kept growing with time - with the reluctance on both of their parts to take the step to talk about it.
But there hadn't been a right time, and it hadn't seemed very fair to burden him with her feelings when there were far more important things to expend energy on.
Like the war.
She watched as Cassian lifted his hand, moved it closer, and almost touched her ... but paused. And while she wanted to breach the distance and meet him there, Jyn held steady. (As steady as she could, anyway.)
He repeated, trying to make himself understand it, believe it: "We have time."
Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled back his hand. —both his hands. He braced them both on the mattress on either side of him. He couldn't be touching her while he tried to think about this. It wasn't… fair? right? for whom?
"…I don't know which should come first," he said. "Talk to the Alliance and find out what comes next. Or talk to you and find out what comes next. Which should inform the other.
"I don't know… which is right. For anyone. For you."
It was difficult for Jyn to wrap her head around, too. Time, the opportunity to make a life that had nothing to do with fighting for survival after an entire life spent doing just that - !
With reluctance, Jyn released her grip on Cassian's hand and let him go. While she wanted to maintain contact, if he needed space and the time in which to process, she would give him that.
She couldn't be selfish and suggest that they think about themselves for once, not if it meant he might resent her for it in the end, after eveything.
"This can't be about me, Cassian. You have to decide what's right for you. And I suppose we'll just have to figure it out from there."
He had to figure out how to say this. How to do it carefully. How to be honest without…
"Following you let me go where I'd always wanted to go. Before, just for myself, I never could.
"Maybe what's right for me is what's also right for you.
"Because…"
It was surprisingly easy to word the next things. Even when he'd never let himself think about them. They were simply true.
"…I'm not good to myself. Not kind. Not trusting. Not forgiving. I don't think I deserve anything. I think what I did in war should banish me from peace. I think I should be dead. What's 'right' for me, as far as I'll ever judge, isn't what you'd say. Isn't what Kay would say. Isn't even what Mothma and Draven would.
"But you. I know what I want for you. What I think you deserve, whether you agree or not. And… if there's any way, any reason, I should approach, be able to find, any of that too… it wouldn't be on my own. Just for myself."
He was wincing by the end. Not particularly because he was revealing unexpected information about himself. More because… he was afraid he'd done exactly what he didn't want to. Make himself her problem. Her responsibility. Her burden.
Not… a partner. Who didn't want her to have to carry him there, but wanted to help her get there, herself. If she remotely needed or wanted him to.
It felt like a punch to the gut, hearing Cassian admit to things that she'd been suspecting for quite some time. He wasn't good or kind to himself, didn't trust himself, wouldn't forgive himself, even though what he'd done had all been in service of a greater cause.
She understood that guilt all too well. But whatever they did wasn't going to work if he put her on some pedestal and only ever orbited around it like a satellite. It wasn't going to work if there wasn't the chance that he could come to terms with some of his actions and decisions, that he could heal from some of his deep wounds.
"It's not your fault", she finally answered, quietly and carefully. "What happened to you. What you've had to do for all these years. And ... what we do from this point on isn't going to work if you continue to blame yourself and hate yourself for what you couldn't help. It isn't - how can we move on if you keep wishing to be dead?"
It wasn't going to work if he was going to look to her to absolve him of his sins - real or imagined. Force knew Jyn had her own to contend with, too.
He nodded slowly. She was right… and he knew that, even if he'd said part of it wrong, other parts couldn't be said right. They just had to change. Somehow.
"I… don't wish to be dead.
"I used to. Maybe I was trying to build a better life… for others. But, for myself, I was looking for a good death.
"Sometimes I think… we did die on Scarif. …Which I was ready to do. It was a better death than I ever could have hoped for or gotten on my own. I was so grateful to you for that.
"But since then… I haven't just been looking for the next way to die.
"I've been looking for the next way to do more… and come back.
"So… you're right. You're right about everything else. But… I meant: I expected to be dead before ever seeing peace. I don't want to be."
Perhaps the heightened emotions were taking a toll on both of them as well. In any case, Jyn was grateful (and relieved) for a little bit of explanation - although it still hurt to know that Cassian had gone through an unknown period of time maybe not wanting to die, but waiting for it nonetheless.
She ducked her head to take a shaky little breath, nodding her agreement as he mentioned Scarif and shared with her how he'd felt at what they both thought was the end. How could he have known that -
"I felt the same. That ... if I had to die, I was glad to have done something good first. I was ready, I think, and content enough to have been there with you."
Jyn raised her head again, her gaze finding Cassian's, holding it. "I don't want to waste the chance that we've been given. Especially because we are alive to see this day. I don't think I could stand making it to this point and then ... losing you."
Carefully - and only after Jyn tried once more to catch her breath - she reached out and took the offered hand, completing the circuit between them. She wasn't naive enough to think that there weren't still going to be difficulties despite the war's ending, but she still tried to hold onto the hope that there was still something to work toward.
She and Cassian had never really known peace, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it, but at the very least, she could now take solace in the knowledge that she wouldn't have to face it all alone anymore.
"I'll find you", she murmured, squeezing gently. "I'll bring you home."
He thought about kissing her hand. A halfway step… between kissing her at all and not. But… he didn't want there to be… any… condition. That needn't be part of this. This was going to be true no matter what might be added or taken away.
So he just closed his fingers around hers, squeezed her hand gently, all the while looking directly in her eyes; and offered a small smile.
It wouldn't have been right, breaching the distance that still remained, pressing her lips to his in a kiss that she'd been aching for for so long ... so Jyn kept still, grateful for the reassurance of the squeeze and the smile, however small and tentative it was.
It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
He returned her nod. He didn't know if he felt relieved or disappointed or… just… overloaded. Yeah. The third.
He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
Too much. Too soon. And if it was going to happen, Jyn wanted them both to be completely present. She had been waiting - pining - for four long years. She could wait for as long as it took. Besides, she felt that this conversation had been a huge turning point in their relationship as it was, and the last thing either of them needed was to be overwhelmed with anything else.
One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
He tried to remember when was the last time he'd seen her hair down, like this. He loved it
(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
Although she felt ... bare ... in front of Cassian, Jyn made no move to fix her hair in any way, wanting him to see her for exactly what she was in that moment, just a still-young woman who was as overwhelmed and scared to face whatever was to come next.
She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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At least ordering food brought them a little bit of levity as they embarked upon deciding exactly what to get. "Are there even many choices about what to get?"
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(Urban legend was that Falleen cuisine could be as pheromone-strong as they themselves, with associated effects, but he knew that was nonsense. …As long as the food wasn't raw, at least.)
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This felt ... better, and Jyn supposed she should be grateful for that small mercy.
"And something to drink, too."
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More time to spend until it got here… spending time… while not having to fit something into it, use it before it ran out, use it to get from here to there… use it, full stop. Rather, just… be in it.
He opened his mouth and closed it again. This was… he was good with words. He had to be. But usually when he had an alias or an agenda. Right now… He didn't want to ask if she'd come to find him on her own, or had been sent. It felt like… doubting her, somehow. And he didn't.
He just wanted to know… wanted to envision it…
"Where were you, when you found out?"
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And now ...
For the time being, at least, they had nothing but time. Jyn hardly knew what to do with herself, but at least she could focus on Cassian instead, on steadying him if he needed her to, offering answers to questions that she didnt' even think she had the answers for if it helped in any way.
Jyn huffed out a breath, shrugging slightly. "Getting discharged from medbay on Home One. I'd gotten burned on the last mission, and needed the bacta tank. They were mobilizing a strike team when the news arrived. After the initial shock, it just erupted in laughter, tears - nobody knew how to react, least of all me."
She paused, offering another gentle squeeze, and continued.
"I would've come to find you even if they hadn't asked me to."
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Still, she hadn't meant to worry Cassian, and judging by his (surprising) reaction, she had done just that. Still, he wouldn't want her to downplay the incident, and there really was no way to make it sound any better. Might as well go with the truth.
"Buckethead with a flamethrower got a little too close. There was some nerve damage, some of the scars are never going to fade, but I made it into the tank in time. Could've been worse than it turned out to be."
Jyn sighed softly, squeezed their clasped hands a little more tightly, shaking her head just so.
"You couldn't have."
And that wasn't his fault, either. It was just how these things went.
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He squeezed her hands, too; bent his head to stare at them, brow furrowed, mouth tight.
He managed to raise his head, but not his eyes all the way, to deliver this next. "I should know when things happen to you. I should be with you to try and help you with them. I should have been all along.
"…I don't want to spend the next four years like I spent the last four. Which was my fault. But… I was wrong. I couldn't… I didn't… It doesn't matter. I… if… If you… don't mind. I don't want to spend my next years far away from you."
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But she didn't blame Cassian for that - she couldn't. They had done what was necessary, even though it had torn her heart to shreds to only ever see each other in passing, and only rarely. That was war, not him.
Jyn ducked her head then, attempting to catch her breath. While she had certainly hoped for it, she knew that Cassian didn't have to move on from this point with her, but it sent her reeling to hear that he wanted to.
"No, Cassian, I - why wouldn't I want that? I'm not only here to retrieve you, I'm I ... I'm here because I want to be here. With you."
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That was okay. If they were together, in whatever way, everything else was negotiable.
He dared to raise one of his hands… almost, almost brushing his fingertips to her face—thumb to her lips. But held back.
"I'm glad," he said, voice a little raspish. He didn't try to clear his throat. "And thank you. And I'm sorry—we haven't talked about this before now."
Maybe he should have been able to rise above it… but, until now, the war hadn't been over.
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But there hadn't been a right time, and it hadn't seemed very fair to burden him with her feelings when there were far more important things to expend energy on.
Like the war.
She watched as Cassian lifted his hand, moved it closer, and almost touched her ... but paused. And while she wanted to breach the distance and meet him there, Jyn held steady. (As steady as she could, anyway.)
"We have time now."
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Slowly, reluctantly, he pulled back his hand. —both his hands. He braced them both on the mattress on either side of him. He couldn't be touching her while he tried to think about this. It wasn't… fair? right? for whom?
"…I don't know which should come first," he said. "Talk to the Alliance and find out what comes next. Or talk to you and find out what comes next. Which should inform the other.
"I don't know… which is right. For anyone. For you."
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With reluctance, Jyn released her grip on Cassian's hand and let him go. While she wanted to maintain contact, if he needed space and the time in which to process, she would give him that.
She couldn't be selfish and suggest that they think about themselves for once, not if it meant he might resent her for it in the end, after eveything.
"This can't be about me, Cassian. You have to decide what's right for you. And I suppose we'll just have to figure it out from there."
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"What if I want it to be about you?"
He had to figure out how to say this. How to do it carefully. How to be honest without…
"Following you let me go where I'd always wanted to go. Before, just for myself, I never could.
"Maybe what's right for me is what's also right for you.
"Because…"
It was surprisingly easy to word the next things. Even when he'd never let himself think about them. They were simply true.
"…I'm not good to myself. Not kind. Not trusting. Not forgiving. I don't think I deserve anything. I think what I did in war should banish me from peace. I think I should be dead. What's 'right' for me, as far as I'll ever judge, isn't what you'd say. Isn't what Kay would say. Isn't even what Mothma and Draven would.
"But you. I know what I want for you. What I think you deserve, whether you agree or not. And… if there's any way, any reason, I should approach, be able to find, any of that too… it wouldn't be on my own. Just for myself."
He was wincing by the end. Not particularly because he was revealing unexpected information about himself. More because… he was afraid he'd done exactly what he didn't want to. Make himself her problem. Her responsibility. Her burden.
Not… a partner. Who didn't want her to have to carry him there, but wanted to help her get there, herself. If she remotely needed or wanted him to.
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She understood that guilt all too well. But whatever they did wasn't going to work if he put her on some pedestal and only ever orbited around it like a satellite. It wasn't going to work if there wasn't the chance that he could come to terms with some of his actions and decisions, that he could heal from some of his deep wounds.
"It's not your fault", she finally answered, quietly and carefully. "What happened to you. What you've had to do for all these years. And ... what we do from this point on isn't going to work if you continue to blame yourself and hate yourself for what you couldn't help. It isn't - how can we move on if you keep wishing to be dead?"
It wasn't going to work if he was going to look to her to absolve him of his sins - real or imagined. Force knew Jyn had her own to contend with, too.
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"I… don't wish to be dead.
"I used to. Maybe I was trying to build a better life… for others. But, for myself, I was looking for a good death.
"Sometimes I think… we did die on Scarif. …Which I was ready to do. It was a better death than I ever could have hoped for or gotten on my own. I was so grateful to you for that.
"But since then… I haven't just been looking for the next way to die.
"I've been looking for the next way to do more… and come back.
"So… you're right. You're right about everything else. But… I meant: I expected to be dead before ever seeing peace. I don't want to be."
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She ducked her head to take a shaky little breath, nodding her agreement as he mentioned Scarif and shared with her how he'd felt at what they both thought was the end. How could he have known that -
"I felt the same. That ... if I had to die, I was glad to have done something good first. I was ready, I think, and content enough to have been there with you."
Jyn raised her head again, her gaze finding Cassian's, holding it. "I don't want to waste the chance that we've been given. Especially because we are alive to see this day. I don't think I could stand making it to this point and then ... losing you."
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"We know this universe," he said. "I can't promise I won't… get lost. But as far as I can control: I never want to leave your side again."
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She and Cassian had never really known peace, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it, but at the very least, she could now take solace in the knowledge that she wouldn't have to face it all alone anymore.
"I'll find you", she murmured, squeezing gently. "I'll bring you home."
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So he just closed his fingers around hers, squeezed her hand gently, all the while looking directly in her eyes; and offered a small smile.
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It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
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He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
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One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
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He loved it(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
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She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
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oop pretty sure i've already said i want it to be with you before. doesn't hurt to reiterate it!
Part of why I take so long is reskimming the thread to see what I've said or not! :-D
I just think 'that sounds familiar, I probably already wrote it somewhere OH WELL'. :0D
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