candor1 | Open RP Post

It would have been fine if he had stolen a glance. Once done drying off (her hair was another story - it was going to be damp for quite a while still), she had wrapped the towel around her as securely as she could manage, although it still only barely brushed the tops of her thighs.

"Alright - ", she answered, steeling herself for the new cold air rushed into the 'fresher as he departed, blowing out a sharp little breath as she tugged her towel just a little tighter around her, for whatever good that would do.

Soon enough, Cassian knocked, announcing his presence, and handed clothing through the door. "Thank you", she murmured, barely waiting a moment after that before dropping the towel completely to pull on first the shorts and then the shirt, sighing at slight warmth they offered.

It would get better, but for the moment, she was content enough. Once satisfied that she wasn't going to give Cassian too much of an eyeful, she stepped into the main room awkwardly.

...

What now?

He succeeded in not looking too long or too hard at her. Just a confirmation that the shirt did its job, and a slight smile.

What now?

He just stood where he was, alternately looking at her and out the window.

A new universe. The same old universe. An end. A beginning. What?

They could talk, he supposed. There really wasn't anyone else he'd confide in—confess to—try to plan with. But even with her, he didn't want that. Talking had its uses but right now…

It was one vast, bottomless wait and see. What the Rebellion might be—step aside for or become—whether he still had a place in it, what that place might even look like assuming any of his skills or being could be repurposed for peace…

Would the peace even last? And for how long? How peaceful could any new transition really be?

Was retirement an option? The war no longer had him from without; could he ever remove it from within?

And if he did, what would that even look like? Would he be able to take it? Could he ever accept it? When what he deserved…

He looked back at her, that precipice behind his face. He couldn't think what to suggest or ask or say.

Maybe comm channels would be catching up. Maybe there were reports and announcements to listen to.

Even that, though…

For the next five, ten, hundred minutes… there was nothing immediately to do.

And without that…

He thought about asking why her. Why did she come to tell him, this way. But he knew that already.

"Do you have any idea," he said at last, "what comes next? After we go back?" Or… right now?

The only thing keeping Jyn from leaving gravity and spinning into the vastness of space was Cassian himself. So, while she would have loved nothing more than to be able to offer him an answer to his questions, she had been wondering the exact same things.

She didn't know if she had the capacity to be anything other than what she already was - and what she was was irreparably broken. The skills that she had picked up over the years weren't meant to be used in the course of a respectable life.

So ... what?

Run more - even though there was nothing and no one to run from? Find a new fight? Start one? All things considered, what other options did she even really have?

The Rebellion was no more. And whatever would come next might need diplomats more than they would soldiers. And Jyn Erso was not and would never be a diplomat.

One thing was for sure, at least, and that was that instead of running when there was no longer any need to stay, Jyn had come here instead.

"I don't know", she eventually replied, her eyebrows knitting together as she shrugged one shoulder slightly. "They may still have use for us. They may not. I suppose we've got to decide what it is that we want to do."

She no longer had a home or a family to return to. But here she was, regardless.

Want to do. …That… had never been a consideration—a factor in his life. Not ever.

Because he had to make some decision, he crossed the room to the bed and sat on it. His hands stayed on his knees and his eyes stayed on the window. Through the smog, the stars were beginning to come out.

"When was the last time you did something because you wanted to?" he asked quietly. Rhetorically, if she so chose… but if she really answered, he found himself acutely wanting to know. Something Jyn Erso had wanted.

Want had been intrinsically linked with need since Lah'mu and the loss of her parents. But Jyn could clearly recall at least a few particular wants that always set her nerves on edge whenever they once more made themselves known.

I want my Mama! Where is my Papa? - through tears as she ineffectually tried to pummel the man who'd rescued her from her hiding place that cold, rainy day.

I want to kiss you - unspoken but felt in every atom of her body as she helped Cassian into the lift and kept close in order to ensure that he didn't fall. You believed me and thank you and you came back you came back you came back and I wish we had more time swirling around and around in her mind. Oh, how she wanted to show him, but she hadn't.

I want to live. Please, I want to live - as they held each other tight, waiting for that blaze of light from her father's weapon to blast them into nothing. I wish we had more time.

Jyn ducked her head, swallowed hard, took a deep breath and then another. Finally, she was able to move forward, one small step at a time until she was settling next to Cassian on the bed - close, but not too close, not crowding him or invading his space, a silent reminder that he was not alone.

When was the last time you did something because you wanted to …

"I stayed", she murmured, a hoarse edge to her voice. "After Scarif. When everyone thought that I was going to cut and run. And I didn't do it because I felt like like I owed it to anyone or - or … "

She sighed brokenly, shaking her head slowly. "I stayed because I wanted to. Because it was the right thing to do. Because - "

Jyn didn't continue the thought. But she did settle her worn, calloused hand gently against his. She was here now because she wanted to be, because it had been four long years that they had spent most separated and it had been excruciatingly difficult.

She was here now because she wanted -

A chance.

He turned his head to look at her on I stayed.

He looked down at the touch of her hand on his.

He stayed looking down a little too long.

Heart pounding so hard he was sure she could see it

Tentatively, his fingers curled to return her touch.

"I was so glad," he said, through a suddenly dry throat. "That you did. Every time I went away, I worried you wouldn't still be there when I got back. Worried I'd… I just didn't know… how, or… whether… to…"

What vanity was that, to assume her staying or going had anything to do with…?

"I was so ready to die. At Scarif. …I never thought… this, today, would really happen."

Was any of this legit? Not just insult?

The situation is overwhelming enough - the sudden realization that everything he's ever known is coming to an end, the uncertainty of what the future held, the last thing that Jyn wanted was to ...

Complicate things ...

with her feelings.

But he accepted the touch of her hand, and carefully, she breached a little more the distance separating them, her shoulder brushing against his as shse shifted just a touch closer, a millimeter at a time, her heartbeat stuttering as he admitted to the same worries that she felt every time they were apart.

Not that she thought he was going to leave, but rather that one of his dangerous missions was going to take him from her before she ever got the chance to ...

Was it too much if she just -

"I didn't have a home until you gave me one. I never even considered not coming back to it."

To you.

It felt like a punch to the gut when he continued, admitting to a feeling that she was intimately familiar with, possibly moreso than even Cassian knew. "Me, too", she finally replied, fingers inadvertently squeezing his a gently. "I ... was grateful that I wasn't alone. I knew what was coming, but I felt ready for it ... because I was with you."

The corner of her lips inched up as she nodded her explicit understanding and agreement. "I know. But here we are."

He'd given her…?

Welcome home

As far as he'd been concerned, she'd earned it. She'd always belonged there. He wasn't giving, he was just letting her know that they knew—what was already true.

He was looking at their hands, again. (Had he stopped?) At her gentle squeeze, he let his fingers slip between hers, alternating, twining them together. (Not knowing how he dared, just doing it.) Then he lifted their joined hands to no longer (be a) wedge between them, but to rest, still interclasped, on their touching knees.

He wanted to keep hearing her. Her voice, her words, her thoughts, anything—everything she was willing to share. Maybe that was selfishness; because she grounded him, because she comforted him; because she (however he'd tried to resist and feared losing it) was his constant, his guidance, his dreams, for so long and still…

And maybe it wasn't fair to ask a question he wouldn't be prepared to answer… what ifs were only good for planning ahead, not for looking behind… he'd never been able to afford or survive them…

He asked anyway.

"Have you thought what your life would have been, without the war? Without the Empire?"

Even if Cassian never knew it, he had become her guiding light, the beacon that called her back home, and if that beacon had ever gone out, she would have been lost.

Jyn had never admitted as such out loud, and wasn't even sure that she even could. Maybe they would have had a chance in another life, but in this one? Maybe they were both too irreparably damaged for it. Or maybe she was too much of a coward to find out.

But she could memorize every moment of this, especially how careful Cassian was as he carefully entwined their fingers and guided those clasped hands to settle against the shelf of their knees.

She wished she had a good answer to Cassian's question, but the truth was (as he probably already knew) that she tried not to live in the past or in what if situations. She couldn't change what had already come to pass and living in fantasy was useless and would only serve to break her broken heart and the further.

The only way forward was to keep her eyes on the present. No more, no less.

"I've tried not to", she replied, fingers flexing unconsciously. "But I like to think that I would've been happy. What about you?"

He answered honestly, "I've no idea. My mom could have lived, her city wouldn't have been destroyed, but I don't remember it or her at all. My dad might have still enrolled in the military academy… but maybe he wouldn't have met her." While there was no such thing as purpose or destiny in the universe, it was the nature of the sentient mind to make connections and thus occasionally think superstitiously. Cassian dryly admitted one such to himself. It would make a kind of sense that, if the war hadn't existed, he wouldn't, either. He never would have been without the war.

He gave a long exhalation, and leaned over to rest his eyes in his empty hand. He stayed there for a while.

Forget about what to do with his life. He didn't know what to do with the next hour.

This was precisely why Jyn never really indulged in the what if game. Nothing she could dream up was ever going to change the current trajectory of her life, so what was the point?

But she said nothing - just gave Cassian the time to speak, held his hand and kept close, unsure of what else she could do to try to give him comfort, but still wanting to try.

She had no idea when it came to what the future held, didn't know what she wanted to do or where she wanted to go, but in the moment, that didn't even matter. Nothing did except here and now and them.

Cassian lowered his hand, showing his eyes already fixed on the window.

"I should be doing something," he said. Though he didn't move, his very molecules were vibrating; like plucked strings. "There's always something to do. …But I don't know what…"

Jyn shook her head, making a concerned little noise in the back of her throat. It made sense, really, Cassian always had orders to follow, and now - there was nothing.

"You need rest, Cassian. We can start figuring things out in the morning."

Clearly, he was overwhelmed by the news. The best thing to do was to face it with a clear head.

We can

Okay. Okay.

He made his breathing slow down. And looked again at her hand linked with his.

"Do you need anything?" he asked—far later than he should have. "I don't know when you arrived. We can order up food."

Jyn hadn't come all the way to find Cassian just to share the news of the war ending and then walk away.

On the other hand, she didn't assume that he would want anything to do with her, either, but that wasn't going to stop her from staying for as long as he would let her.

She had eaten on the trip, but had been so distracted by her own thoughts that she could barely remember just when that had occurred. "Oh. Yeah, that's - that's probably a good idea."

A mission, no matter how minor. Good. Thank goodness.

He twisted to reach for the datapad on the endtable—relieved when he could reach it without letting go of her hand. Wondering what it may mean seemed somehow like an issue that was suspended until they let go, and he wasn't in a hurry to do either.

Ordering in food wasn't something he did often—it let someone know his address—so it was a little novel. And doing it with Jyn… felt… almost… sort of… fun.

Perhaps coincidentally, Jyn wasn't content with the thought of letting go, either. She wasn't prepared to confront what Cassian's reluctance to do the same meant, not yet, but maybe once they'd had some time to settle, to come to terms with what they both believed was a neverending war ... ending.

At least ordering food brought them a little bit of levity as they embarked upon deciding exactly what to get. "Are there even many choices about what to get?"

"Fewer that deliver. Room service might be the best option. But it's worth looking. Have you ever tried Falleen stir fry?"

(Urban legend was that Falleen cuisine could be as pheromone-strong as they themselves, with associated effects, but he knew that was nonsense. …As long as the food wasn't raw, at least.)

Jyn's stomach growled softly at the suggestion, and she shrugged in reply. Okay. Maybe she hadn't eaten for longer than she originally thought. "I haven't. I don't even know what's in it, but right now I can't bring myself to care. I'll have some of it's available."

This felt ... better, and Jyn supposed she should be grateful for that small mercy.

"And something to drink, too."

In not too long, the orders were placed, and—with barest hesitation—he set the datapad aside.

More time to spend until it got here… spending time… while not having to fit something into it, use it before it ran out, use it to get from here to there… use it, full stop. Rather, just… be in it.

He opened his mouth and closed it again. This was… he was good with words. He had to be. But usually when he had an alias or an agenda. Right now… He didn't want to ask if she'd come to find him on her own, or had been sent. It felt like… doubting her, somehow. And he didn't.

He just wanted to know… wanted to envision it…

"Where were you, when you found out?"

Free time was such a foreign concept to them both. Even when they were off-duty, there was always something else to see to, always assistance that could be offered elsewhere, always preparations to make for the next mission.

And now ...

For the time being, at least, they had nothing but time. Jyn hardly knew what to do with herself, but at least she could focus on Cassian instead, on steadying him if he needed her to, offering answers to questions that she didnt' even think she had the answers for if it helped in any way.

Jyn huffed out a breath, shrugging slightly. "Getting discharged from medbay on Home One. I'd gotten burned on the last mission, and needed the bacta tank. They were mobilizing a strike team when the news arrived. After the initial shock, it just erupted in laughter, tears - nobody knew how to react, least of all me."

She paused, offering another gentle squeeze, and continued.

"I would've come to find you even if they hadn't asked me to."

She'd read his mind… not terribly surprising, they'd done that for each other before… but his mind had suddenly snapped to this other subject. (Could take him even out of the war pfassking ending.) Wide-eyed, he turned where he sat, to face her full-on; the hands between them still linked, his empty hand now also lifting to her. "You were burned bad enough to need the tank? How? Are you—" Well, stupid to ask are you okay when post-bacta of course she'd be, but… Here comes another stupid statement, because why and how would he? nonetheless: "I didn't know…"

They had spent the majority of the past four years being pulled in different directions - close calls and injuries were just a hazard of the jobs they were doing. She was sure Cassian had had his fair share in that time, too, close calls and injuries that she was not aware of.

Still, she hadn't meant to worry Cassian, and judging by his (surprising) reaction, she had done just that. Still, he wouldn't want her to downplay the incident, and there really was no way to make it sound any better. Might as well go with the truth.

"Buckethead with a flamethrower got a little too close. There was some nerve damage, some of the scars are never going to fade, but I made it into the tank in time. Could've been worse than it turned out to be."

Jyn sighed softly, squeezed their clasped hands a little more tightly, shaking her head just so.

"You couldn't have."

And that wasn't his fault, either. It was just how these things went.

Nonsensical, maybe; he didn't care: "I should have."

He squeezed her hands, too; bent his head to stare at them, brow furrowed, mouth tight.

He managed to raise his head, but not his eyes all the way, to deliver this next. "I should know when things happen to you. I should be with you to try and help you with them. I should have been all along.

"…I don't want to spend the next four years like I spent the last four. Which was my fault. But… I was wrong. I couldn't… I didn't… It doesn't matter. I… if… If you… don't mind. I don't want to spend my next years far away from you."

Unfortunately, there was no way to go back and fix the mistakes of the past. And even though Jyn didn't tend to dwell on what ifs or could have beens, she almost wished that they could have had a chance to make things right, to have the chance to have spent those four years together more often than apart.

But she didn't blame Cassian for that - she couldn't. They had done what was necessary, even though it had torn her heart to shreds to only ever see each other in passing, and only rarely. That was war, not him.

Jyn ducked her head then, attempting to catch her breath. While she had certainly hoped for it, she knew that Cassian didn't have to move on from this point with her, but it sent her reeling to hear that he wanted to.

"No, Cassian, I - why wouldn't I want that? I'm not only here to retrieve you, I'm I ... I'm here because I want to be here. With you."

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