candor1 | Open RP Post

It was hard to think about leaving when there were so many cats that deserved a little attention and affection as well. But Ilargi had chosen them, and it was probably best to get the adoption handled so they could go home.

"I hope he'll be very happy with us", she murmured, glancing at Joreth, a small smile lifting her lips at the edges.

He smiled back. "Chances seem good."

As well as the adoption papers and a carrying case, Cassian snagged a few toys and cans of food from the front shop. Then hailed them speeder; the prospect of walking home was less attractive with their new load.

Jyn thought so, too.

Even when Ilargi made pitiful noises once he was safely tucked away in the carrier for the trip home. But once there, they would let him out in order to explore and begin acclimation to his new home.

"Yes, yes I know", she murmured, soft and soothing, "We'll be home soon."

Which did Cassian find more endearing: Argi talking to them, or Jyn talking to Argi? Hard to say. He found himself doing things like smiling, spontaneously, at nobody. And had to firmly frame his mind with enjoy the current moment, in of itself, don't link enjoyment to expectation or duration, only now no farther… in order to simultaneously not shy from nor get addicted to (…too late…?) this feeling. He found himself running conversations with Kaytoo through his mind as he opened the door to their quarters and held it for Jyn with Ilargi to go through. (Maybe because Kaytoo was his bastion against such sentimentality? Maybe because Kay was the sense of family that could persist?)

Jyn had never owned a pet of her own before, so perhaps her enthusiasm was understandable. She didn't even stop to consider that talking to Argi might have been a little odd.

But no strange looks came her way, just a smile that hadn't been directed toward her, not exactly, but made the warmth in the pit of her belly grow just a little warmer.

Once inside, the door shut for my behind them, Jyn set the carrier down and opened the door, allowing Argi opportunity to leave it and to explore his new home.

She stood up and brushed the knees of her trousers off, and looked to Joreth, certain that of all the things she had expected to feel for her husband and the marriage that she had never wanted in the first place, contentment hadn't even been in the forefront of her mind.

But she was content. She looked forward to their evening routines and didn't relish the thought of getting up and leaving the comfort of his arms.

Now, there was their honeymoon to plan for, as well, and it all just seemed...

Too good to be true.

Maybe she was just being pessimistic, but despite her surprising happiness, she still worried about what might go wrong, how she would inevitably end up ruining everything.

(Cassian had never had a pet before, either.)

He didn't find her talking to Argi strange at all. And he watched, fully engaged, as Argi sniffed his way out of the carrier and began exploring the room.

Cassian looked over to Jyn, flashed her a smile, and went into the kitchen to pour one of the tins of food into a dish. He set it down for Argi who leaped over to eat it, promptly. Cassian watched that too, fascinated, as he shrugged out of his jacket.

"I was posted on Lothal for a while," he said to Jyn. It was one of those details he'd never intended to share, too easily researched and not found in Sward's file… but he found himself saying it anyway. "I saw some of these guys in the wild. Their behavior really isn't different. Other animals are different in the wild versus in captivity. But cats… I guess we never really tamed them. They just like being with us."

Argi moved tentatively at first - but perhaps that was to be expected. He had liked the people he had come home with, but this place was brand new and probably a little scary.

Of course, all it really took for him to feel at least a little more at home was the sound of food being poured into a dish, and he practically bounced from the living space into the little kitchen to eat ravenously.

Jyn's attention shifted to Joreth as he spoke, her smile slowly growing as he told his story, delight lighting her eyes. "Friendly little things they are, I suppose. They enjoy our companionship just as we do theirs. And how lucky we are for that."

Her smile and that look in her eyes, being directed at him, brought a smile to his face that came from somewhere deep. He'd already broached the topic—so he went ahead and compounded it. (Was this the kind of work an Imperial would be doing…? versus… oh sure, why not.) "I had to monitor a probe droid without setting it off, myself. I had to sit so still for so long, a few of these guys climbed onto me and fell asleep."

Jyn's duties had never been the same as someone like Joreth, who had to work their way up the ladder of command. Who was she to say that the story sounded false? She thought that she had no reason to believe that it was ... wrong, somehow.

Her smile only widened as he continued to tell the story, a momentary pause the only clue at all that she was thinking about what to say or ask next, or if it would be totally out of bounds to say -

"I can understand that", she eventually offered, her smile shifting into something hinting at embarrassment. "You're quite comfortable to lay with, and very warm. It makes sense they'd be attracted to that."

She was, after all.

He looked down, quite clearly blushing. "Well… it's mutual." Glanced back up in a way that could be called shyly, shooting her a smile. It had… bothered him? worried him? been noticeable to him that every time they got into their quarters, all he wanted to do immediately was take her in his arms. He was doing his best just to let himself enjoy it without obvious resistance—preemptively bracing himself to lose it. (Not just 'cause she'd probably be able to pick that up.) He'd had and lost before. Better to have at all, right?

(Even if it made it so much harder to come back from.)

Watching Argi, a similar lump rose in his throat, which he pushed impatiently back down. At least, with the cat, there was a reason to treat him primarily as Jyn's, not his own.

"What do you think… should we sit out here for a bit and see if he joins us?"

It was such an endearing sight that Jyn soon followed suit - both in ducking her head and the matching flush of her cheeks. But when she looked back up and caught Joreth's smile, she couldn't help returning one in kind, a little small, brief, really, but not without hope.

Hope for ... what ... exactly? That they were growing closer, forming a bond, that there was something good growing here? And after all her worry for exactly the opposite ...

It was a surprise - a good one - to realize that she had been wrong. How could Jyn answer anything but yes to the prospect of curling up on the couch together, spending time letting Argi get to know them and doing the same with them in return.

Please, yes, I want to be close. You're too far away right now.

"I think that sounds lovely."

He grinned, moved to the couch, sat and pulled off his shoes and dropped them over the side. (He didn't have many tells, but the fact that he'd started doing things like that—tossing things aside to put away later rather than squaring away to regulation specs immediately—was one. Of eagerness or comfort… or rebellion…) He left his arm over the back of the couch in clear invitation.

It wasn't as though Jyn was keeping tabs on all of Joreth's little bad habits. Hells, now that she felt comfortable enough to do so, she had begun not being messy, per se, but leaving things out to be put away later, too. Usually just her boots and jacket, which she peeled herself out of immediately after returning home. It was their home, after all, who said it had to be perfectly perfect at all times?

She toed out of one boot and then the other, leaving them where they were, and practically bounced over to the couch, where her husband was waiting.

It did not take long at all for Jyn to sit and carefully cuddle up all the closer. Yeah - moments like these were definitely the ones she enjoyed the most.

His arm curled immediately around her, like it was the most natural thing in the world; embracing her to his side, and his head tilted to lean atop hers. It was gentle, always, never actually restraining, so she could get up the instant she wanted; but still with strength, enough to know holding her was a very earnest, deliberate choice.

(A man who'd done things like he'd admitted to doing with Aune Grendreef—where his own say in the matter had been compromised—everything being a clear choice for both of them was very important to him.)

He was content just to enjoy their bodies together, without immediately speaking; just bathing in the feel of her and watching Argi continue to make himself at home. He hadn't expected it, a predator in a new environment surely had more things to do, but after not long at all, Argi bounded over and jumped up into Jyn's lap, purring loudly.

"I think he approves?"

It felt like the most natural thing in the world - to take her place next to him and immediately find herself arranged in the most comfortable position for the both of them. No, Joreth never held her too tight - somehow, he knew exactly how to hold her just right, and truly, she had never felt safer or more cared about than in moments just like this, moments when they truly wanted to be with each other, each actively making the choice to share comfort with each other.

Jyn had never felt for anyone what she felt for her husband - and truth be told, she wasn't even sure what it even was that she was feeling, only that she would give anything to feel it all the time.

For the moment, nothing more needed to be said. It was comfortable enough in the quiet. Of course, with a curious new pet, that quiet was only ever going to last so long. Argi jumped into Jyn's lap and flopped over, purring before she ever lifted a hand to scratch behind his ears.

She breathed out a chuckle and nodded slightly. "I think so. Looks like he didn't really want to be left out, either."

He laughed too, reaching over to scratch a furry cheek behind the whiskers. "I don't blame him." …He belatedly hoped that didn't seem like a joke about being in her lap. But he didn't think either of them would assume that crudity. "Think he'll sleep with us, too?"

Jyn couldn't help the soft flush of her cheeks - but she got the feeling that the statement hadn't been meant in a salacious way. Their relationship had been nothing but chaste thus far. There was no reason to believe that it had been innuendo of any kind. "If he decides that he's got to be where everyone else is, I don't see why not. Or, he could make a place for himself out here. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

Not sure whether to hope he does, since that'll help keep certain boundaries in place; or hope he doesn't, for the same reason.

Stick with the first. Mission always.

…Although actually, prioritizing the mission alone would have dictated sleeping with her already. It was his hoping to minimize how much he was using her that made him keep diffusing and avoiding. (Prioritizing her. Little as he could.)

Impulsively, (self-sabotagingly,) Cassian leaned over and pressed a small kiss to her cheek. He immediately sat back, eyes down.

No expectations.

And so far, things had been going well. A little at a time, bit by bit, they were getting to know each other, and clearly had no problem being close. For the first time in her life, Jyn felt like it was safe to peel away her outwardly prickly exterior to expose the shy, soft young woman that hid inside.

That was already far more than she had ever anticipated being able to do with Joreth. They were just two people who were trying to make the best of a bad situation.

But sometimes ...

When they were all wrapped up together on the couch or in bed, all Jyn could think about was how much she wanted to hold his hand, or - or ... to lean in close and press her lips to his and share a kiss. Wasn't it inevitable, with how they gravitated toward each other, how attracted to each other?

Jyn wasn't expecting the kiss to her cheek, and she laughed softly, focusing her attention back on Argi and scratching under his chin, the happy purring noises he was making, but before she lost her nerve completely, she turned and returned the kiss, the smile that lifted her lips amused ... but also maybe a little hopeful, too.

She'd probably been aiming for his cheek; but at the last moment, unknowingly, he turned his face to hers, and the kiss landed beside his mouth. He sat stock still for a moment, stunned or grappling. Then, his eyes on her lips, he slowly reached up his fingertips to touch her cheek. Started to lean forward again.

No, don't.

He stopped again, like someone had frozen a holoimage. For the first time in years, not knowing what to do next.

She had been aiming for his cheek. But she could not change trajectory in time after he turned his head slightly, and her kiss nearly touched his lips full-on. She wanted to apologize, in fact, her lips were parting in order to do just that, but he reached up to touch her cheek, and she lost the ability to breathe completely.

Was this ...

Were they ...

He stopped. He stared. And Jyn didn't know what to think. Still, she didn't move away or break their contact. Before she could think it through, she murmured - "You don't have to be afraid of me."

He wanted to. So much. So much, that he suddenly forgot which impulse he was supposed to fight: the urge to kiss her or the fear to. Which one did he go with to be triumphant…?

"Not you," he whispered back. "Me. Don't trust me, Jyn. It'll hurt you."

That was too honest. Too much to say. He only just had the wherewithal to finish: "My work will always come first. It has to."

It was both the cover story and completely true.

Jyn didn't understand.

Through her confusion, through the despair that was beginning to settle heavily in the pit of her stomach, she had to wonder if the last part - the part about his work - was only just tacked on to try to make her feel better.

She didn't buy it.

Her expression only crumbled for a fraction of a second, and then she began to rebuild the walls she had taken down, piece by piece, for her husband. Maybe she had been naive to hope that what they were building was something good. Maybe she only had herself to blame for the hurt she was feeling.

But if he truly wanted nothing to do with her, then why had he told her about his relationship with Grendreef's wife? Why were they making plans for a honeymoon and why had they adopted Argi? Why did they gravitate toward each other like it was the most natural thing in the world to do? Why did they both sleep so much better when they were all wrapped up together? Why had he made her care?

She took a sharp breath and forced herself to pull away, put even a small distance between them. "Maybe you should have told me that from the beginning."

Maybe then, she wouldn't have felt so ... betrayed.

...

Temptation was very strong to put his face in his hands. Or shed a tear, or otherwise give in to, let show how much what she just said—and how much he deserved it—felt like crash-landing on Sevarcos II. Let her see this hurt him, too, and maybe let that return them somewhat to being on the same side.

He fought that temptation; kept himself sitting upright, his hands now clasped between his knees.

"Maybe," he conceded. Though he couldn't bring himself to sound cold and matter-of-fact about it. He sounded miserable. "I wanted… to be better than that, with you. But… there are lines…"

Stop talking. He fell silent, looking down at his hands. Argi was still in Jyn's lap but had stopped purring.

Abruptly, Cassian unfolded his hands and stood from the couch. "I'll… go, for right now. Walk, get my head together. You and Argi have the apartment for the night. Yeah? And if it's okay with you, we can talk more in the morning?"

Jyn wanted so very badly to live up to her bad reputation. She wanted to say something cruel and cutting, she wanted Joreth to hurt like she was hurting, but the moment came and went, and she said nothing.

Point in fact, Jyn probably appeared exactly as she felt - small and young and completely heartbroken. And so, so stupid for allowing herself to get so emotionally involved so quickly.

She scoffed as he continued, focusing her attention on Argi, instead, scratching behind his ears in order to assure him that despite the sudden tension, everything was going to be fine ... even though she wasn't sure she believed that it would.

What did he mean there were lines? Nothing else mattered when they were away from their respective jobs - just each other. Right? Jyn didn't look up as Joreth stood, afraid that if she did, she would humiliate herself further by pleading for a better explanation or begging him to stay.

"You don't want me. What else is there to talk about?", she muttered, her voice trembling, almost on the verge of tearful. She felt awful leaving it at that, but that really was the crux of it all.

He didn't want her. And stupidly, heartbreakingly so, she did want him.

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(want to pursue that "he goes to see Kay & she follows" idea?)

Sure!