candor1 | Open RP Post

He was…

…

…what was the right word. Flummoxed? Stupefied? Speechless, for sure.

She'd skated right over your droid friend. The tactical, strategic point of having a killdroid, with Imperial markings, at his disposal. The fact that he had a hidden ship in the city. The fact of his false identity and that he was spying on them, full stop. Only mentioned to warn him.

No, all the prioritizing was on… them. Precisely the things he'd been dying so desperately to tell her voluntarily, were the things that seemed to be her dominant takeaways.

"It's all true," he said at last. "I've never felt in more danger on an assignment than I have with you. Being in physical peril was never as risky because I've never been so tempted to betray my own protocols before. …And I'm doing it right now."

His gaze on her became a little less piercing, flickering slightly away to gather himself, find the strength to keep looking directly at her. "You don't… want to know… who I really am? What my assignment is? You… don't… want to be the one to capture me? Or worry what I might do to make sure you don't?"

There was a lot to unpack, including the fact that his partner seemed to be a droid that had been made for murder, the hidden ship, his true identity and what he had been sent here to accomplish in the first place.

But he had asked what she had overheard, and what she had overheard was precisely what he'd told the droid - Kay, as he'd called it, the he didn't think he could continue lying, that he wanted what they had to be real, that he thought he loved her.

All the things she had laid awake and wondered about. How could any of it have been real when it had all been based on lies? How naïve and stupid was she to still want something between them to be genuine? If she was loyal to her uncle, to the only life that she had ever known, she would've turned Cassian in the moment that she had gotten far enough away from the ship to do so safely.

But here they were. And even though there was only inches between them, Jyn felt like she would never be able to bridge the distance ever again ... or even if Cassian wanted her to. In her lap, her fingers flexed, but Jyn did not reach out to him, no matter how overwhelming the desire was.

The little knot between her brows furrowed all the deeper and she shook her head from side to side. What's changed, she wanted to ask, what makes me so different?

"Of course I want to know who you are", she replied thickly. "But I don't think that I'm necessarily a part of your assignment. I think I'm incidental to it - I'm no Admiral - and that anything you find out from me or because of me is in addition to the mission at hand. Am I wrong?"

She took a shaky breath before continuing. "Do you really think I'm so evil as to want to turn you in knowing that they would torture you for information and then kill you? Do you think that I'd take pleasure in knowing it? I'm not that cold-hearted, Cassian."

"I don't think we'd be having this conversation if your intent was to harm me. I think you would have done it back in the trees, not out in the open. What I do wonder is why you even came back if you knew that you were compromised."

Another pause. A heartbeat, another -

"I wonder if anything I thought we had or were beginning to have was real. I wonder if the person I thought I loved ever really existed at all. Why are you still here, Cassian?"

He watched her levelly, unreadably, another long moment.

It was the same face he'd had all along. Shorn hair, clean-shaven, eyes that crinkled irresistibly, nose that had once been broken. But with no outward change, he looked now so much older.

Three choices.

At last, in a voice that didn't seem it could get any quieter, doing so anyway:

"Cassian Andor. Intelligence officer. Lieutenant, Special Forces, Alliance to Restore the Republic. Former child soldier, Confederacy of Independent Systems. No homeworld. No family.

"Assignment: spend a year embedded with Admiral Grendreef. Gain his confidence; be brought into the loop of certain plans already in motion to which he is instrumental. Learn any additional information from his social and personal life. Also of interest: connections such as Orson Krennic; so when given an opportunity to share familial bonds… take them.

"Assignment would have been better served by immediately treating you the way Imperial men customarily treat women. Demand immediate physical intimacy followed by complete disregard. I've been failing to stick to assignment on that front since I met you.

"Now you know. My cover is blown. I have three choices. One: abandon mission by evacuating immediately. Two: continue mission by neutralizing you." He said it flatly, but there was a sudden stab of pain in his eyes. "Three: continue mission by conscripting your aid; to preserve my cover."

Another moment just looking. But at last: "I reject option Two. So. Will it be One or Three?"

Jyn felt so uneasy - sitting in the silence, unsure of what Cassian was thinking, what he would ultimately end up doing. And it was disconcerting to see the face that she knew look so very different, so burdened and hardened, almost totally unfamiliar to her.

Then he spoke in that soft voice, and all Jyn could do was listen, her heart falling a little more with each detail that he shared, lower and lower and lower until it plummeted into the pit of her belly and bottomed out, taking her breath with it.

She truly was nothing more than a means to an end. But at least he admitted to failing at (purposely?) treating her in all the ways that a wife would have been treated, like a piece of property and little more.

If she was grateful for anything, it was that ... even though loving him hurt just as badly as being treated indifferently would have hurt. It seemed that neither of them could win, either way.

She dropped her head as he laid out his three options, her breath catching in her throat as he rejected the worst possible outcome of them all, her throat burning as she replied - "Three."

She was selfish - so kriffing selfish - but option three would give them more time, for better or worse. One would be the safest option, and it she were less selfish, that's the word that would have left her lips. He could reject it outright and decide to leave anyway, but she tried, anyway.

"I choose Three."

He lost all breath. For long, long moments, he had to sit very, very still. Waiting for it to come back.

While in his mind, he grabbed her in his arms and held her as they wept until they stopped and at long last kissed.

"You don't have to," he said at last. Still short on breath. "I'll not harm you either way. And we can mock something up, if One, so no one could think you complicit.

"Where if Three…"

He couldn't let show, couldn't allow, how much, how badly, he wanted…

"…there'd have to be oaths. Assurances.

"…To start… what you'd intend to do… after I left."

Leave her to suggest it, or say it first…?

"…For instance. …Would you want to come with me?"

He had to know that whatever way they chose to move on from here - whether he cut and run or whether he stayed and tried to complete his mission, suspicion would be placed upon Jyn's shoulders nonetheless. They lived together, after all, how could she not know that her husband was the enemy?

No, she didn't have to offer her assistance, and she knew that she probably should have chosen the first option - to walk away now and never look back, but her terrible, selfish heart didn't allow her to suggest it.

Jyn waited for Cassian to say something - anything - her pulse fluttering nervously as she watched him, the emotion that he was choosing to share with her, how conflicted he seemed to be about everything, too.

"What will it take for you to trust me?", she managed to ask, her voice soft, teetering on steadiness. "I'll do it."

He could take her to his ship, take her to talk to the droid, who had said, after all, that it had been monitoring his vitals. It could monitor hers, as well, interrogate her if necessary to prove that she was not lying.

"If they caught wind of who you truly are ... they would suspect me. So unless you created a scenario that proved that you were convincingly dead and they did not question my loyalty ... I'd probably have to run, too. I ... don't have anyone or anywhere to run to, but I'd run."

She took a shaky breath, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't belong here, anyway. I don't - "

Too much. He didn't know that her loyalty had been wavering for quite some time. He didn't know that she had been speaking to others who felt the same way. How could he know - she hadn't been part of his original mission.

Her eyes widened and her heart nearly beat out of her chest, and she wondered ... had he really asked the question or had she simply imagined it instead?

Her throat dry, she finally found enough composure to ask -

"Would you want me to?"

What will it take for you to trust me? I'll do it.

At that, he could only look at her. His eyes tense, torn, wanting, so much…

I already trust you. I'm not supposed to. I do.

Then Would you want me to?

The amount of want in his dark eyes had to be blinding. How could he ever have fooled anyone, kept any semblance of a cover identity at all?

"I'm in love with you," he said at last. "So yes. I want you to.

"But… coming with me for that reason isn't enough, and it's my duty not to… just go with what I want.

"You know…?"

Of course she did.

What will it take for you to trust me?

"Tell me what you think," he said, voice so soft.

As, very lightly, he rested the tips of his fingers on her wrist. Where he could feel her pulse.

"What you really think of the Empire and the Rebellion."

Jyn's expression mirrored Cassian's - the undeniable want, the barely restrained holding back, but it shifted and changed and for a moment, her uncertainty clouded her wide eyes.

He loved her. But did she love Cassian ... did she know him, or were her feelings for Joreth, a man who had never really existed in the first place, who had been fabricated to be nothing more than another perfect cog in the Empire's machine?

But she didn't drop her gaze, as much as she wanted to hide for a moment and try to figure things out. She watched and listened and welcomed the touch of his hand even though she was well aware that it was not meant to reassure - it was meant to feel whether or not her pulse jumped as she spoke ... to tell if she was lying.

Jyn's heartbeat - and her gaze - remained steady as she nodded, took a breath, and answered.

"Krennic is right to suspect me of wavering loyalty. Lording power over people who can't fight back - and it's not because they are incapable of governing themselves, it's not because we're benevolent and good. It's because they've got something that we want. I've ... begun speaking with others like me, others who are starting to see that the work we're doing is for the wrong things, and I -

I know I was married off to trap me here, to keep me quiet and complacent and content enough with my duties to stop asking questions. I don't know that your Rebellion is going to be successful at toppling them, Cassian, but I know someone's got to do something.

And I ... I want to do something. I can't sit back and watch my work hurt people anymore."

He was motionless as he attended to her. Eyes steady, monitoring her eyes (movement, focus, dilation), her breathing, any change in perspiration or tension or other visible body language. His hand was also steady, monitoring her heart rate.

…until she finished speaking… and several heartbeats later, his thumb moved, running a gentle line along her skin. The tiniest gesture, expressing so much… wanting.

Finally, he broke the stillness with a flicker of eyes. And removing his hand from her wrist—though it came to rest on the grass between them, like it couldn't bear to go too far from her.

"What's your experience with espionage?" he asked softly. "If I tell you more of the truth, will you be able to keep it secret, or is it best, for now, to only stick with the story?"

Jyn finished speaking and sat back a little, even though all she wanted was to find a way to be closer. She watched and waited and wondered what he must have been thinking about her, about them, about whether or not there was still some semblance of a future.

Cassian didn't say anything for a time, but he continued touching her so gently that she didn't want it - any of it - to come to an end.

Unfortunately, it did, and she briefly considered making contact once more, tangling their fingers together in some sort of affectionate, comforting gesture, but she managed - barely - to keep her hands in her lap.

"I won't tell a soul", she replied, just as softly. She didn't know yet if she should admit to gathering intel on Krennic a little at a time for the past year and a half, but if she were to share that information with anyone, it would be with Cassian.

Cassian nodded, his eyes focusing on the ground.

Another moment or few passed.

"These 'others like you' you've been speaking to," he said at last. "Are there any I could meet?"

And in the meantime… his eyes flickered back to hers. "…And is there anything you want to know?"

"Yes", she replied, once he'd broken another too-long silence. "I'm sure I could make that happen."

She felt disappointed, a little, that that was what he had asked of her. But given the circumstances, and given what she had just told him, maybe she should have expected it.

It was Jyn's turn to take a moment to consider her options. There was so much she wanted to know, so much that she wanted to ask, but when she finally opened her mouth again, it was to quietly ask -

"You and I ... was there anything real? Or ... was it all to keep your cover up?"

She shook her head, finally glanced down and swallowed hard and tried to keep from getting too emotional. They were too exposed, too out in the open, she didn't want to bring attention to them should anyone breach their privacy.

"Do I know you at all?"

In the grass between them, his fingers flexed, his hand wanting to take hers. But didn't think it had the right.

So it didn't try—but it did close the distance between them. So his fingertips could barely brush hers.

"I've been a spy since I was sixteen," he said quietly. "I'm very good at what I do. It's not because I'm a good liar. It's because I know to rely mainly on truth.

"My record, my papers, my rank: lies. Most of what I've said, especially to you: real.

"Everything we've done…"

—and not done, because he couldn't bear it under auspices of a lie—

"…real.

"Too much so. For me."

Jyn blinked rapidly, her breath catching in her throat. Sixteen. That was so young, so when the droid had said that Cassian had been lying for most of his life ... he had meant it.

She couldn't even imagine what he had done and seen and had to endure. But her heart went out to him nonetheless. Jyn still did not take Cassian's hand, but she also did not pull her own away, as needy for the touch as he seemed to be.

"Why am I so different?"

So young. Wait 'til she found out when he'd become a soldier.

Why am I so different?

He hadn't wondered that. He hadn't articulated thoughts about it. He hadn't had to. It just was.

Different. What was different. "You're intelligent. You're strong. You're beautiful. You're capable. You keep your own mind. You show care and mutual attraction to me. All my senses react to you. We can speak and not speak together longer than I can stand myself. But… different…" To varying degrees, so was and so had Xilo, Farir, d'Djiera.

Different?

"…I recognized you," he said at last. "And felt like you recognized me."

Jyn hadn't wondered, either. He had just felt different than anyone who had tried to get close to her before. Different in a good way. Different enough to allow her to open up - and to want to open up - and to be honest in ways that she had never done with another person before.

At first, the answer didn't satisfy her. Calling her intelligent and strong and beautiful and capable didn't mean much to Jyn in the slightest, but the more deeper under the surface Cassian went, the more she began to understand -

At least somewhat.

"I felt it, too."

Or -

She thought she had.

He wanted to take her hand. Touch her face. Move them together to rest and embrace.

But he'd not presume physical contact again. If it were to happen, it would have to be at her initiating.

He was suddenly so very tired.

His head throbbed. There was too much in it. All he could do was narrow and sort it into options.

"Should I still go home with you? We could search for listening devices, see how much more we can talk there. Or you can go there and I can go to my ship and we can take some time, reevaluate later. Or you could come with me to the ship and I'll introduce you to Kaytoo. I'm not up for anything more public right now, but. I'd do whichever of those you want to do."

Jyn wanted those things, too. And more, if she were being honest with herself. But she hardly knew if she had the right to any of it anymore, if she was allowed to ask for anything, even though Cassian had said again that he loved her, that he was in love with her.

It was still difficult to think that they could go back to the way things were before when everything now felt so different, so tenuous and dangerous.

Jyn's head pounded, and her eyes burned, and she didn't know what she wanted to do next.

"I don't know if I can take another night alone", she answered, softly but honestly. "And I just - I'm tired and hurting. I just want to take a shower and rest, I think. I'd like you to go home with me, but if you don't think you can ... I understand."

"I want everything with you that you want, too." If there were still things he might not say about the Rebellion and his mission, there was nothing left he wouldn't say about them. "I'm the one who lied. I'm the one who's only been intimate while lying. I'm the one who needs to be afraid of doing wrong or too much. Anything you still want to have to do with me… between us, not to do with the Empire or Rebellion, there's nothing you could ask I don't want to give. I only won't trust it if it comes first from me."

He suddenly feared even saying that was too much. He couldn't possibly have the right to say such things. He lowered his eyes, a muscle jumping in his jaw.

"…Yes," he said, as if correcting himself. "Please. I'd like to go home with you, too. And rest."

That admission knocked Jyn all the more off of her axis. At least she now knew that whatever she wanted, Cassian wanted, too. But it was so dangerous to know that and to know herself, and there was only so far that her willpower would go.

"You don't need to be afraid of being with me, Cassian. I know that our situation has irrevocably changed - and I don't know if it's for the better - but my feelings haven't. I still ... want to be close to you.

I still want so much with you."

She took a sharp little breath and brushed her fingertips against his once more. "Come on, then. I guess we'll have to figure things out as we go."

His fingers returned the light touch… then dared to move, just a little, to intertwine with hers.

"Thank you," he said softly. But didn't explain what he meant by it and didn't wait for her to respond, before climbing to his feet.

As they started walking, he murmured, "And if it ever comes up, Joreth Sward's paperwork doesn't include a middle name. It can be 'Cassian'. But only you ever call me that."

It was reassuring - the by now familiar tangling of their hands. And maybe, after everything the day had brought them, Jyn and Cassian both needed something to hold on to.

She wasn't entirely certain what he was thanking her for, but she also didn't ask. They got to their feet and began the short trek back to the apartment.

Jyn nodded her understanding and agreement. She would have to be mindful of using the right name from that moment on, but that seemed the easiest task in front of her. "Anybody else calls you by name, you know you've been had."

Maybe; yes. He was so grateful she didn't take her hand away.

Her agreement was reassuring, as well. They still understood each other. (Strange how greater truthfulness threatened that.) He nodded back, and added, "If you ever need to signal SOS… my real middle name is 'Jerón'."

Maybe out of the same need of familiarity, to turn it back into their game of exchanging— "Do you have a middle name?"

So was Jyn. It felt promising, in any case, that they could still have it. Holding hands might have seemed insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but for Jyn, at least, it felt comforting.

"Jerón", she repeated, not only to get accustomed to the mouth feel, but also to memorize, just in case. "I'll remember."

She gently shook her head in response to the question, a soft sigh escaping her lips. "No, no middle name. But ... Papa used to call me Stardust, when we were together."

"Because of your eyes?" He asked without thinking.

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