It felt like a punch to the gut, hearing Cassian admit to things that she'd been suspecting for quite some time. He wasn't good or kind to himself, didn't trust himself, wouldn't forgive himself, even though what he'd done had all been in service of a greater cause.
She understood that guilt all too well. But whatever they did wasn't going to work if he put her on some pedestal and only ever orbited around it like a satellite. It wasn't going to work if there wasn't the chance that he could come to terms with some of his actions and decisions, that he could heal from some of his deep wounds.
"It's not your fault", she finally answered, quietly and carefully. "What happened to you. What you've had to do for all these years. And ... what we do from this point on isn't going to work if you continue to blame yourself and hate yourself for what you couldn't help. It isn't - how can we move on if you keep wishing to be dead?"
It wasn't going to work if he was going to look to her to absolve him of his sins - real or imagined. Force knew Jyn had her own to contend with, too.
He nodded slowly. She was right… and he knew that, even if he'd said part of it wrong, other parts couldn't be said right. They just had to change. Somehow.
"I… don't wish to be dead.
"I used to. Maybe I was trying to build a better life… for others. But, for myself, I was looking for a good death.
"Sometimes I think… we did die on Scarif. …Which I was ready to do. It was a better death than I ever could have hoped for or gotten on my own. I was so grateful to you for that.
"But since then… I haven't just been looking for the next way to die.
"I've been looking for the next way to do more… and come back.
"So… you're right. You're right about everything else. But… I meant: I expected to be dead before ever seeing peace. I don't want to be."
Perhaps the heightened emotions were taking a toll on both of them as well. In any case, Jyn was grateful (and relieved) for a little bit of explanation - although it still hurt to know that Cassian had gone through an unknown period of time maybe not wanting to die, but waiting for it nonetheless.
She ducked her head to take a shaky little breath, nodding her agreement as he mentioned Scarif and shared with her how he'd felt at what they both thought was the end. How could he have known that -
"I felt the same. That ... if I had to die, I was glad to have done something good first. I was ready, I think, and content enough to have been there with you."
Jyn raised her head again, her gaze finding Cassian's, holding it. "I don't want to waste the chance that we've been given. Especially because we are alive to see this day. I don't think I could stand making it to this point and then ... losing you."
Carefully - and only after Jyn tried once more to catch her breath - she reached out and took the offered hand, completing the circuit between them. She wasn't naive enough to think that there weren't still going to be difficulties despite the war's ending, but she still tried to hold onto the hope that there was still something to work toward.
She and Cassian had never really known peace, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it, but at the very least, she could now take solace in the knowledge that she wouldn't have to face it all alone anymore.
"I'll find you", she murmured, squeezing gently. "I'll bring you home."
He thought about kissing her hand. A halfway step… between kissing her at all and not. But… he didn't want there to be… any… condition. That needn't be part of this. This was going to be true no matter what might be added or taken away.
So he just closed his fingers around hers, squeezed her hand gently, all the while looking directly in her eyes; and offered a small smile.
It wouldn't have been right, breaching the distance that still remained, pressing her lips to his in a kiss that she'd been aching for for so long ... so Jyn kept still, grateful for the reassurance of the squeeze and the smile, however small and tentative it was.
It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
He returned her nod. He didn't know if he felt relieved or disappointed or… just… overloaded. Yeah. The third.
He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
Too much. Too soon. And if it was going to happen, Jyn wanted them both to be completely present. She had been waiting - pining - for four long years. She could wait for as long as it took. Besides, she felt that this conversation had been a huge turning point in their relationship as it was, and the last thing either of them needed was to be overwhelmed with anything else.
One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
He tried to remember when was the last time he'd seen her hair down, like this. He loved it
(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
Although she felt ... bare ... in front of Cassian, Jyn made no move to fix her hair in any way, wanting him to see her for exactly what she was in that moment, just a still-young woman who was as overwhelmed and scared to face whatever was to come next.
She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
He grinned. He had a new thought, handed her the carton, ducked into the 'fresher again, and came out with a fresh towel which he spread on the bed, to go under the food.
"Nothing exciting to drink," he said, pulling out one of the bottles they'd ordered and offering it to her. He avoided intoxicants, but he couldn't quite remember how Jyn felt about them. Whether she drank in company for pleasure or (like him, when he did) just for cred.
Now that was an expression that Jyn would like to see more of. It was impossible to temper her own return smile, so she ducked her head and kept hold of their food as she waited for his return, all the more amused when she realized what he'd brought back and why. It was no soft blanket, but it would do.
"I don't mind", she answered, easily accepting the bottle. Much like Cassian, Jyn wasn't much for intoxicants. She could fake the effects pretty convincingly, and only rarely ever actually partook. "This is enough for me."
He tapped the other bottle into hers. "Cheers." As he popped the cap, he belatedly remembered—yes, they did have something to drink to. He couldn't hold it in his mind.
Jyn wasn't sure that she was ready to toast that just quite yet. Everything still felt uncertain, including what the next step they took was going to be. At the very least, he'd made it clear that no matter what it was, they wouldn't be taking those steps alone or in different directions. And that, she thought, was what she wanted to toast to.
She knew that most likely, his concentration meant that he was getting lost in his thoughts again, so she gently nudged his shoulder with hers, didn't smile very widely, but wanted Cassian to know that she was right here with him.
He turned his head, their shoulders touching, and returned her small smile. Whatever else was happening that he couldn't fathom, this felt right.
The meal passed a little more lightheartedly. It was good to have actual things to focus on. He explained what things were if she needed, and avoided, best he could, admitting when he had no idea. Cassian wasn't known for healthy eating habits—on his own he probably would have skipped eating entirely. But with Jyn, it was downright… fun. Where alone his stomach would be in knots and nothing tasted good, he soaked in her tasting everything and it gave him enjoyment too.
Is this what I meant? Is this what she meant? Is this… good? how people do it? or is it too much to put on someone else if you can't do it yourself?
He sat back at last, pushing any remaining food toward Jyn. "Yours if you want it."
With food to share came a little bit of conversation, a little bit of levity in the midst of something decidedly heavier. And Jyn was grateful for it - the explanations that led into discussions of allergies and sharing a story from childhood about how eating a specific berry native to Lah'mu had, in Jyn's own words, made her cheeks blow up like a puffer fish.
And it felt good to have this with Cassian, to feel as normal as she ever had before, that something so simple as sharing a meal could bring so much joy.
She wanted -
She wanted a whole lifetime spent just like this.
Maybe that was selfish of her, especially not knowing if Cassian felt the same. With you didn't necessarily have to mean with you, and she was too cowardly to ask for clarification. Maybe it would become clear in time -
Now that they had it.
Jyn laughingly groaned, shaking her head no to his offer. "Couldn't take another bite if I tried."
So Cassian now knew that Jyn was allergic to the Lah'musian berry. He traded for the information by telling Jyn that he was allergic to Jogan fruit. Could come in handy if they ever needed to flush out an imposter, or knock the other out of commission for some reason, or… who cares. It was weaknesses shared. AKA trust.
Couldn't take another bite… He suppressed a smile. He knew a lot of her life had been lived in deprivation. (His too; if he remember Jerón right, then genetically Cassian might have grown a lot taller and broader if—also if—he hadn't been so malnourished as a kid.) It was so good to see her laughing and content. In light of that. But also… at all.
He gathered up the leftovers, put them back in containers—maybe less meticulously than if he'd been alone—and got up to deposit all of it in the room's small conservator.
That, unfortunately, left him standing again. He turned to her, still smiling, but irresolute where to go. (Back to the bed? With her?)
She knew that that's what Cassian was doing - trading a fact for a fact, storing it away for later use if at all necessary, whether or not the imagined situations and scenarios ever came to pass. She appreciated his opening up to her, even about seemingly small things. A little bit of trust went a long way.
There had been a time that Jyn might have stuffed herself to the point of bursting if only because she didn't know where or when her next meal might come. But she felt comfortable and warm and content enough to trust that the leftovers would still be there when she wanted them again.
But perhaps more importantly was having the chance to see Cassian as loose and relaxed as she'd ever had the chance before. She was still sure that more important matter at hand was still in the forefront of his thoughts, Jyn was glad that she'd been able to grant Cassian even just a moment to get out of his head.
The room was quiet once the food was stored and Cassian turned to face her again, and Jyn didn't know how to say that yes, it was okay if he rejoined her on the bed, that yes, she wanted to be near him, yes, she wanted him right back where he belonged.
So, she didn't say anything, and she hoped that her open, honest expression said enough.
The invitation seemed so clear, so brilliant on her incredible face… Welcome…
He smiled back and returned to the bed; only a little tentative still in his movements as he sat back down, one hand braced to the mattress—between them.
"I… don't think you actually said," he started. "If there's anything you want to do. Around other considerations." They'd talked about whether the Alliance would still have use for them, and that (thank the Force) they wanted to stick together. But did she have peacetime dreams, that hadn't been knocked out of her?
The message seemed to come across loud and clear, and even though Cassian returned the smile, his approach was still careful and cautious as though he was still a little unsure - of himself, of her, of everything.
Jyn settled her hand near Cassian's, just close enough for fingertips to touch, but allowing them both their own personal space in case that was too much, in case she inadvertently overloaded his senses.
Then he asked his question, and her smile faded until it was little more than a thin line as she thought through her answer. "I don't know, Cassian. I ... don't think that my skills translate well to law-abiding citizen."
She sighed then, dropped her gaze, pretended that the near-threadbare comforter was the most interesting feature of the room. "I've never given it any thought. I ... always assumed I'd be long-dead before this day."
This time, he didn't need to think. Like simply reached out for like. The universe against the chance, they'd actually met, found each other—the nearly extinct but same-species creatures they'd become. His hand found hers and gently enclosed it.
In an insufficient syllable, their uniquely kindred understanding—of the universe and each other—was still contained.
"Yeah."
Touching her, his brain unlocked a little. Struggled finally free of the intense gravity of the past and gained some altitude, where it could go in more directions, more flexibly, and see from a different angle. He'd never allowed himself to think much about what after the war would mean, not just for himself but for the universe. For the Alliance. However, as much as he was a student of Draven, he'd also been trained by Mon Mothma… and so didn't entirely surprise himself by hearing himself say: "You never know… It's a new government they're going to have to build. Sometimes those who've lived outside the old laws are the best at helping make new ones."
Amazing how comforting a touch could be, and Jyn was grateful for Cassian's grounding presence while she was beginning to feel so untethered. If anyone understood how she was feeling and why, it was him.
And while she might not know what the next step was going to be, she did know that she didn't have to take it alone.
While Cassian brought up a good point - a very good point - Jyn wasn't sure if she wanted to spend part of her after working for the new government. There was still time to figure it all out, and she was grateful for that. She couldn't possibly begin to make a solid decision now.
Quietly - "Is that what you think you might want to do?"
His eyes crinkled like laughter. "Definitely not."
He ran his thumb again over the back of her hand, eyes going a little unfocused, but not straying far from hers. "…I'd never stop pointing out how any law could be misused or broken. And since all laws can, we'd get nowhere. That's not really what laws or for, anyway—to be foolproof. And… I abdicated my rights to such things a long time ago." That was getting too close again to what he was surprisingly glad he'd said to Jyn but didn't want to say again or any more. So he finished with, "I'd much rather leave that sort of thing to Mon Mothma and Leia Organa. Their view is bigger than mine."
One heartbeat passed, and then another, and then her smile spread across her face slowly, like a sunrise, building and growing until it was shining brightly - at least for a moment, until she pulled herself together enough to dial it back.
As she listened to Cassian speak, she felt her heart lift a little with each word. For as much as she didn't want to stick around and try to make a place within the ranks of the new governing body that would need to be formed, if Cassian had said yes, Jyn would have followed.
Even though that was not the life she wanted to live nor the job she wanted to do, but she would have made a go of it just to continue spinning around and around in his orbit.
"Maybe they need that point of view in order to make the laws stronger, Cassian", she offered quietly, shrugging. "I just don't want to be the one giving it to them."
For the first time since she was eight years old, there was a big universe out there and Jyn was free to decide where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do. And all she could think about was how much she wanted to stay right here with Cassian for as long as possible instead.
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no subject
She understood that guilt all too well. But whatever they did wasn't going to work if he put her on some pedestal and only ever orbited around it like a satellite. It wasn't going to work if there wasn't the chance that he could come to terms with some of his actions and decisions, that he could heal from some of his deep wounds.
"It's not your fault", she finally answered, quietly and carefully. "What happened to you. What you've had to do for all these years. And ... what we do from this point on isn't going to work if you continue to blame yourself and hate yourself for what you couldn't help. It isn't - how can we move on if you keep wishing to be dead?"
It wasn't going to work if he was going to look to her to absolve him of his sins - real or imagined. Force knew Jyn had her own to contend with, too.
no subject
"I… don't wish to be dead.
"I used to. Maybe I was trying to build a better life… for others. But, for myself, I was looking for a good death.
"Sometimes I think… we did die on Scarif. …Which I was ready to do. It was a better death than I ever could have hoped for or gotten on my own. I was so grateful to you for that.
"But since then… I haven't just been looking for the next way to die.
"I've been looking for the next way to do more… and come back.
"So… you're right. You're right about everything else. But… I meant: I expected to be dead before ever seeing peace. I don't want to be."
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She ducked her head to take a shaky little breath, nodding her agreement as he mentioned Scarif and shared with her how he'd felt at what they both thought was the end. How could he have known that -
"I felt the same. That ... if I had to die, I was glad to have done something good first. I was ready, I think, and content enough to have been there with you."
Jyn raised her head again, her gaze finding Cassian's, holding it. "I don't want to waste the chance that we've been given. Especially because we are alive to see this day. I don't think I could stand making it to this point and then ... losing you."
no subject
"We know this universe," he said. "I can't promise I won't… get lost. But as far as I can control: I never want to leave your side again."
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She and Cassian had never really known peace, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it, but at the very least, she could now take solace in the knowledge that she wouldn't have to face it all alone anymore.
"I'll find you", she murmured, squeezing gently. "I'll bring you home."
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So he just closed his fingers around hers, squeezed her hand gently, all the while looking directly in her eyes; and offered a small smile.
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It was a start.
"We'll eat", she finally murmured, nodding decisively. "Rest. And move from there."
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He squeezed her hand one more time, then sat back, and gave his hair another scrub with the towel. He stood. "I'm gonna hang this up." He held out a hand, without weightiness this time. "Want me to take yours? Or you want to keep it?"
no subject
One step at a time.
"No, I'm good", she replied, handing the towel over, shaking her still-damp and messy hair out around her face and shoulders. It might have felt strange to be so bare and vulnerable with anyone else, but not with Cassian.
Jyn felt like she could be herself in ways she so rarely shared with others.
no subject
He loved it(Can't don't unless?)
He took the towel and turned away toward the 'fresher. It wouldn't work to get lost in there again, but maybe just a moment… to—
The best-timed door alert in the history of door alerts sounded. Cassian snagged up and pulled on his field jacket—not entirely comfortable without a shirt, more comfortable than nothing—and checked through the viewer before opening the door.
No tricks, no traps, just food. He transferred the credits and took everything inside, belatedly scanning the room. The one desk only had one chair, so…
"Picnic?" he suggested, gesturing to the bed or the floor.
no subject
She said nothing but observed Cassian closely as he stepped toward the 'fresher. Just as the last time, if he needed time, she would give it to him, but if he needed her to, she'd pull him back into the present with her.
This time around, it was the arrival of their food that did it for her. Even before Cassian brought it in properly, Jyn's stomach rumbled at the delectable scents filling the room. She huffed out an amused breath as she slid to the edge of the bed, shrugging as she looked around, too. "Picnic. Come up here, it's most likely more comfortable than the floor."
no subject
"Nothing exciting to drink," he said, pulling out one of the bottles they'd ordered and offering it to her. He avoided intoxicants, but he couldn't quite remember how Jyn felt about them. Whether she drank in company for pleasure or (like him, when he did) just for cred.
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"I don't mind", she answered, easily accepting the bottle. Much like Cassian, Jyn wasn't much for intoxicants. She could fake the effects pretty convincingly, and only rarely ever actually partook. "This is enough for me."
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(
Like death in a living—?)He focused intently on unparceling the food.
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She knew that most likely, his concentration meant that he was getting lost in his thoughts again, so she gently nudged his shoulder with hers, didn't smile very widely, but wanted Cassian to know that she was right here with him.
"Thank you. Smells good."
no subject
The meal passed a little more lightheartedly. It was good to have actual things to focus on. He explained what things were if she needed, and avoided, best he could, admitting when he had no idea. Cassian wasn't known for healthy eating habits—on his own he probably would have skipped eating entirely. But with Jyn, it was downright… fun. Where alone his stomach would be in knots and nothing tasted good, he soaked in her tasting everything and it gave him enjoyment too.
Is this what I meant? Is this what she meant? Is this… good? how people do it? or is it too much to put on someone else if you can't do it yourself?
He sat back at last, pushing any remaining food toward Jyn. "Yours if you want it."
no subject
With food to share came a little bit of conversation, a little bit of levity in the midst of something decidedly heavier. And Jyn was grateful for it - the explanations that led into discussions of allergies and sharing a story from childhood about how eating a specific berry native to Lah'mu had, in Jyn's own words, made her cheeks blow up like a puffer fish.
And it felt good to have this with Cassian, to feel as normal as she ever had before, that something so simple as sharing a meal could bring so much joy.
She wanted -
She wanted a whole lifetime spent just like this.
Maybe that was selfish of her, especially not knowing if Cassian felt the same. With you didn't necessarily have to mean with you, and she was too cowardly to ask for clarification. Maybe it would become clear in time -
Now that they had it.
Jyn laughingly groaned, shaking her head no to his offer. "Couldn't take another bite if I tried."
no subject
Couldn't take another bite… He suppressed a smile. He knew a lot of her life had been lived in deprivation. (His too; if he remember Jerón right, then genetically Cassian might have grown a lot taller and broader if—also if—he hadn't been so malnourished as a kid.) It was so good to see her laughing and content. In light of that. But also… at all.
He gathered up the leftovers, put them back in containers—maybe less meticulously than if he'd been alone—and got up to deposit all of it in the room's small conservator.
That, unfortunately, left him standing again. He turned to her, still smiling, but irresolute where to go. (Back to the bed? With her?)
no subject
There had been a time that Jyn might have stuffed herself to the point of bursting if only because she didn't know where or when her next meal might come. But she felt comfortable and warm and content enough to trust that the leftovers would still be there when she wanted them again.
But perhaps more importantly was having the chance to see Cassian as loose and relaxed as she'd ever had the chance before. She was still sure that more important matter at hand was still in the forefront of his thoughts, Jyn was glad that she'd been able to grant Cassian even just a moment to get out of his head.
The room was quiet once the food was stored and Cassian turned to face her again, and Jyn didn't know how to say that yes, it was okay if he rejoined her on the bed, that yes, she wanted to be near him, yes, she wanted him right back where he belonged.
So, she didn't say anything, and she hoped that her open, honest expression said enough.
Please come back.
no subject
But try trusting her.
The invitation seemed so clear, so brilliant on her incredible face… Welcome…
He smiled back and returned to the bed; only a little tentative still in his movements as he sat back down, one hand braced to the mattress—between them.
"I… don't think you actually said," he started. "If there's anything you want to do. Around other considerations." They'd talked about whether the Alliance would still have use for them, and that (thank the Force) they wanted to stick together. But did she have peacetime dreams, that hadn't been knocked out of her?
no subject
Jyn settled her hand near Cassian's, just close enough for fingertips to touch, but allowing them both their own personal space in case that was too much, in case she inadvertently overloaded his senses.
Then he asked his question, and her smile faded until it was little more than a thin line as she thought through her answer. "I don't know, Cassian. I ... don't think that my skills translate well to law-abiding citizen."
She sighed then, dropped her gaze, pretended that the near-threadbare comforter was the most interesting feature of the room. "I've never given it any thought. I ... always assumed I'd be long-dead before this day."
no subject
In an insufficient syllable, their uniquely kindred understanding—of the universe and each other—was still contained.
"Yeah."
Touching her, his brain unlocked a little. Struggled finally free of the intense gravity of the past and gained some altitude, where it could go in more directions, more flexibly, and see from a different angle. He'd never allowed himself to think much about what after the war would mean, not just for himself but for the universe. For the Alliance. However, as much as he was a student of Draven, he'd also been trained by Mon Mothma… and so didn't entirely surprise himself by hearing himself say: "You never know… It's a new government they're going to have to build. Sometimes those who've lived outside the old laws are the best at helping make new ones."
no subject
And while she might not know what the next step was going to be, she did know that she didn't have to take it alone.
While Cassian brought up a good point - a very good point - Jyn wasn't sure if she wanted to spend part of her after working for the new government. There was still time to figure it all out, and she was grateful for that. She couldn't possibly begin to make a solid decision now.
Quietly - "Is that what you think you might want to do?"
no subject
He ran his thumb again over the back of her hand, eyes going a little unfocused, but not straying far from hers. "…I'd never stop pointing out how any law could be misused or broken. And since all laws can, we'd get nowhere. That's not really what laws or for, anyway—to be foolproof. And… I abdicated my rights to such things a long time ago." That was getting too close again to what he was surprisingly glad he'd said to Jyn but didn't want to say again or any more. So he finished with, "I'd much rather leave that sort of thing to Mon Mothma and Leia Organa. Their view is bigger than mine."
no subject
As she listened to Cassian speak, she felt her heart lift a little with each word. For as much as she didn't want to stick around and try to make a place within the ranks of the new governing body that would need to be formed, if Cassian had said yes, Jyn would have followed.
Even though that was not the life she wanted to live nor the job she wanted to do, but she would have made a go of it just to continue spinning around and around in his orbit.
"Maybe they need that point of view in order to make the laws stronger, Cassian", she offered quietly, shrugging. "I just don't want to be the one giving it to them."
For the first time since she was eight years old, there was a big universe out there and Jyn was free to decide where she wanted to go and what she wanted to do. And all she could think about was how much she wanted to stay right here with Cassian for as long as possible instead.
(no subject)
oop pretty sure i've already said i want it to be with you before. doesn't hurt to reiterate it!
Part of why I take so long is reskimming the thread to see what I've said or not! :-D
I just think 'that sounds familiar, I probably already wrote it somewhere OH WELL'. :0D
(no subject)