They were in the center of a supernova, burning fast, bright, and white-hot. Everything ceased to exist except the two of them, the lightning in their veins and the thundering of their hearts, how they were inextricably entwined and linked, and always would be.
Cassian cried out for her - because of her - and Jyn answered in kind. He pulled her impossibly closer and for a moment, she found herself momentarily breathless and weightless before gravity pulled them both down and all she could do was hope that she was crying Cassian! or yesyesyes or any number of other things professing her love instead of simply sobbing because she was just too overwhelmed and overwrought for anything else.
His hand found her head beneath her hair, the back of her neck, again; cradling and supporting her; remaining strong and steady even as the rest of him utterly collapsed. Every joint releasing, every muscle going lax, probably his very bones dissolving as he melted into her; his body weightless and shapeless fitting limply in her every curve like they were bedclothes; indistinguishable landscapes. Only his hard breathing marked him as still animate; that and the gentlest tracing of his thumb through her hair.
Okay… he didn't quite have the breath or wherewithal to say yet; that was…
It seemed a miracle that Cassian had found enough presence of mind to be able to help ease Jyn through the rest of her aftershocks when all she could do was hold onto him with trembling, weak fingers, riding out the weaker waves that washed over her.
Truly, she thought, now they truly were one. And as he helped her lie down, she knew it would be difficult to tell where one began and the other ended, they were so inextricably tangled up together.
Maybe nothing yet needed to be said. Maybe it was understood in the way it seemed as natural as breathing to want to stay as close as possible, but at some point, she wanted to ask -
The remaining tremors passed through her into him, and felt exquisite… even those that hit overstimulated nerves and nearly caused him to cringe. All of it. Please. Yes. All of it. He turned his head where it had come to rest beside hers; closed his eyes, put his forehead against hers, pressed his lips to her cheek.
"That was amazing," he finally murmured in Yavál before repeating it in Basic. "You're amazing."
Jyn wanted to argue that she hadn't done anything worthy of being called amazing, but thankfully, the lump in her throat was too large to swallow down, and so, it kept the words at bay. Her breath caught but she welcomed Cassian further into her personal space - or was it theirs now - her fingers gentle as she traced nondescript patterns against his arm, warm and loose and utterly satisfied.
But perhaps most importantly of all - safe and content and ... loved.
"You are", she sighed in return, her voice hoarse, a little bit wrecked. "I didn't know I could feel - "
Well. Too much to try to explain without knowing exactly how to. She hoped he knew nonetheless.
His fingers curled around her shoulder; firm, not too forceful, warm and worshipful; and he exhaled gladness. He was hoarse, too, and more unfiltered than he'd probably been around anyone other than Kaytoo in… years, upon years: "You deserve everything… everything that was stolen from you… if I can be a part of you finding any of it… I want to so much, Jyn."
Jyn found no reason to pull away - it wasn't a possessive gesture more than it was a sort of confirmation that she was really there, much like the soft touch of her fingers to his skin, the reassurance that this was not just a figment of her imagination like so many times before.
Her fingers stilled and her heartbeat stuttered but she felt all the more certain that now, she truly had found a place to belong, and that it was by Cassian's side. She hardly thought herself eloquent or that her words were even adequate, but she still managed, somehow, to find what she thought encapsulated what she was feeling.
The last time Cassian had shed an actual tear was the planet Jenoport. Kaytoo had found him sitting on a shipping crate, staring at the blaster in his hands, and weeping. Kay had taken the blaster away from him and offered to undergo a memory wipe, if Cassian's 'continued dignity and service demanded it'.*
An actual tear cut a trace down his cheek now as he propped himself up to look in her eyes. And whispered back: "You're my home, too."
After a moment just watching, Jyn reached up to brush the tear away, although she was just as overwhelmed by it all, just as overcome. Despite it, though, there was a joy in her eyes that she couldn't contain, a joy that maybe - most likely - she had never even felt before.
Cassian met her eyes, smiled back, brought up his hand to cup her face and kissed her again.
Then sank down beside her, keeping her face between his lips and his hand, and let his eyes fall closed again. Feeling… for, again, the first time in who knows how long… that there wasn't a gaping hole running through him. Feeling instead… filled… and… peaceful.
Jyn returned the kiss easily, a muffled but ultimately happy sigh escaping her lips. She and Cassian had been complete people before meeting each other, but that didn't mean that they couldn't fill the holes in each other's hearts, that they couldn't - with all their broken pieces - find a way to fit together regardless.
There was no place to go but to lie back down, and Jyn did just that, careful as she curled an arm around him, holding close, wanting to stay as close as possible for as long as possible, before duty and responsibility got in the way, which she knew it would.
A shakier breath escaped him at her arm around him. And another tear. …And he found himself silently crying. What? No…! That was not how he wanted her to think about this… what was wrong with…?
Release. That's all it was. Of things he'd been holding together for so long, he'd forgotten he was doing it. He pressed his closed eyes to her skin and tried to calm down… but by calming down, not by suppression or concealment. Not here and now; not with her.
"Sorry," he breathed as he began to succeed. "I'm not… this is…" Pfassk, he didn't know how to say it.
Jyn could feel the hitch in Cassian's breath, the shaking of his shoulders and knew that he must have been crying, but there was little she could do in the way of comfort other than continue holding him, being there for whatever he needed from her.
Consolation was not a skill that she was very practiced with, after all. So she kept still, and she held him, and she allowed him time to get it out, no pushing for him to talk about what he was feeling, but offering an ear, a shoulder should he feel safe enough to.
She made a softly distressed little noise when he apologized and wished he knew without her having to say that he never had to apologize for feeling how he felt. "You don't have to explain."
He nodded a thank you against her skin and focused on breathing. It evened, slowed, and gradually synced with hers. Finally, he rolled over onto his back, pulling in the cooler air above them. Though one arm remained under her, holding her gently but firmly, and the other crossed himself to keep his hand touching her.
She'd said he didn't have to explain… and he knew it was true; but he wanted to. "Been years since that happened," he breathed, eyes still closed. "Guess I needed it."
Now, she rubbed her thumb reassuringly against his side, only closing her eyes once she was sure that all Cassian really needed was time to let whatever was afflicting him to pass. He pulled her closer and she allowed it, still quiet, still waiting for permission, spoken or otherwise, to break the silence between them.
"I'd say you're a little overdue - ", she murmured, slowly opening her eyes, turning her head just so that she could observe Cassian more closely. "How are you feeling now?"
His brow furrowed a bit. He tried to find the word.
"…Still." He tilted his face to be able to look at hers. "I don't know… Like I've stopped running for the first time since… Like I can just be here without fighting to be. You know?"
What was too much to put on someone—to let out at once? He found himself finish: "For the first time since Carida.
"…No. The second time." His hand moved, so slightly, spreading his fingers so his palm rested against her. "The first time was… the beach. With you."
Jyn thought she understood completely. She didn't have to hide behind an alias with Cassian, and now, she knew that she didn't have to hide her feelings either - because he felt the same. "Like - ", she began, her brow furrowing slightly as she tried to find the right words, "I can breathe when I'm with you."
She met his eyes, an understanding clear in her gaze, even as she took another moment just to breathe, recalling the beach, holding each other tight, and feeling nothing but peace as she waited for the end to come. "Yeah. I was - I wasn't ... scared I had you and I felt ... still."
Just like now. She could just be with Cassian. She could breathe, and do nothing more than simply feel content with him, all wrapped up in the relative quiet. It was ... enough.
He wondered whether to tell her that first time since Carida meant first time since he was six. He decided not. Not that he didn't want her knowing; just that he didn't feel like disturbing their peace with things like that. (She had childhood trauma, too.)
Especially when neither of them had anywhere to be. And, also for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt safe, even desirable, to just lie here and breathe and listen, not worrying about external threat or intrusive thoughts, safe enough even to drift off to sleep.
There was still so much to talk about, and Jyn hoped that they would have enough time to share it all. Maybe not all at once, but eventually. Especially not now, while they were quiet and tired (in all the best ways), warm and wrapped up with each other.
Not while they had the time to do little but enjoy having the time to be together, if they talked more or if they didn't, if they fell asleep or simply relished in a peace neither had known since they were children.
Humans were one of the relatively few species who rested their entire brain at once: closed both eyes and went fully unconscious. Many other animals only rested half their brain at a time, and slept with literally one eye open.
It felt to Cassian like he'd been sleeping with one eye open most of his life. Right now, with Jyn, for the first time in years, he went fully and deeply to sleep.
The down side to that was that it allowed him to dream.
on the broad steps to carida academy the tall man crumpled and the boy ran out from cover brandishing a toy blaster and uselessly trying to defend the man with it
he deposited a handful of grit into the gears finding the right ones despite biting his lip to bloodiness to not think about the terror of being inside the war machine the moving parts that enclosed and could crush or maim him he was small and slipped out again and cheered with the rest to see the machine explode but in his dreams for the rest of his life, as he hadn't at the time he saw the operators trapped inside burning alive because of him
he fought so hard - whirling around and around himself - couldn't stop if he wanted to and he did want to but frightened at the momentum - at how it went on without his own consent - at how he was trapped in it and couldn't break out of it until suddenly it was done - he was still - looking down at the bodies splayed out around him and though they'd been stormtroopers a moment ago now they were everyone he cared about and had been trying to protect
screaming at kay not to leave him alone
making love to jyn suddenly her kyber pendant in his hand as he throttled her with the cord his hand on a blaster firing into her stomach her lips going black because he was poison her body pregnant from him but it was blood and knives that tore her coming out her going limp and face turning blue and he could do absolutely nothing
No wonder he never allowed himself to fully sleep. If he'd thrashed and screamed like this on assignment…
Jyn was no strangers to nightmares. More often than not, she woke up a panting, sweating mess after having found herself back on Lah'mu, Jedha, Scarif, any number of other places that she had borne witness to or been part of terrible, terrible things.
But lying tangled up with Cassian, she found the type of rest that she never thought possible - blessedly free from nightmares. She woke suddenly, pulled from her dreamless sleep by a blood-chilling scream, almost tossed from the little bed by Cassian's wildly flailing arms and legs.
Still, she held her ground as she tried to wake him from whatever hellscape he was trapped inside. She couldn't hold him down - he'd fight back. She couldn't be gentle, either, othewise he'd never hear her.
"Cassian!", she sharply cried, shaking him with force. Not too roughly, not to hurt him, but to jolt him out of sleep and back with her. "Wake up! Whatever you're seeing, it's not real. I'm here, wake up, wake up, wake up!"
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They were in the center of a supernova, burning fast, bright, and white-hot. Everything ceased to exist except the two of them, the lightning in their veins and the thundering of their hearts, how they were inextricably entwined and linked, and always would be.
Cassian cried out for her - because of her - and Jyn answered in kind. He pulled her impossibly closer and for a moment, she found herself momentarily breathless and weightless before gravity pulled them both down and all she could do was hope that she was crying Cassian! or yesyesyes or any number of other things professing her love instead of simply sobbing because she was just too overwhelmed and overwrought for anything else.
This - he - was everything.
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Okay… he didn't quite have the breath or wherewithal to say yet; that was…
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Truly, she thought, now they truly were one. And as he helped her lie down, she knew it would be difficult to tell where one began and the other ended, they were so inextricably tangled up together.
Maybe nothing yet needed to be said. Maybe it was understood in the way it seemed as natural as breathing to want to stay as close as possible, but at some point, she wanted to ask -
It's not always like this, is it?
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"That was amazing," he finally murmured in Yavál before repeating it in Basic. "You're amazing."
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But perhaps most importantly of all - safe and content and ... loved.
"You are", she sighed in return, her voice hoarse, a little bit wrecked. "I didn't know I could feel - "
Well. Too much to try to explain without knowing exactly how to. She hoped he knew nonetheless.
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Her fingers stilled and her heartbeat stuttered but she felt all the more certain that now, she truly had found a place to belong, and that it was by Cassian's side. She hardly thought herself eloquent or that her words were even adequate, but she still managed, somehow, to find what she thought encapsulated what she was feeling.
"Home for me is where you are."
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The last time Cassian had shed an actual tear was the planet Jenoport. Kaytoo had found him sitting on a shipping crate, staring at the blaster in his hands, and weeping. Kay had taken the blaster away from him and offered to undergo a memory wipe, if Cassian's 'continued dignity and service demanded it'.*
An actual tear cut a trace down his cheek now as he propped himself up to look in her eyes. And whispered back: "You're my home, too."
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"Wherever we go, whatever we do, it's together."
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Cassian met her eyes, smiled back, brought up his hand to cup her face and kissed her again.
Then sank down beside her, keeping her face between his lips and his hand, and let his eyes fall closed again. Feeling… for, again, the first time in who knows how long… that there wasn't a gaping hole running through him. Feeling instead… filled… and… peaceful.
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There was no place to go but to lie back down, and Jyn did just that, careful as she curled an arm around him, holding close, wanting to stay as close as possible for as long as possible, before duty and responsibility got in the way, which she knew it would.
Right now, though, right now was theirs.
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Release. That's all it was. Of things he'd been holding together for so long, he'd forgotten he was doing it. He pressed his closed eyes to her skin and tried to calm down… but by calming down, not by suppression or concealment. Not here and now; not with her.
"Sorry," he breathed as he began to succeed. "I'm not… this is…" Pfassk, he didn't know how to say it.
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Consolation was not a skill that she was very practiced with, after all. So she kept still, and she held him, and she allowed him time to get it out, no pushing for him to talk about what he was feeling, but offering an ear, a shoulder should he feel safe enough to.
She made a softly distressed little noise when he apologized and wished he knew without her having to say that he never had to apologize for feeling how he felt. "You don't have to explain."
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She'd said he didn't have to explain… and he knew it was true; but he wanted to. "Been years since that happened," he breathed, eyes still closed. "Guess I needed it."
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Now, she rubbed her thumb reassuringly against his side, only closing her eyes once she was sure that all Cassian really needed was time to let whatever was afflicting him to pass. He pulled her closer and she allowed it, still quiet, still waiting for permission, spoken or otherwise, to break the silence between them.
"I'd say you're a little overdue - ", she murmured, slowly opening her eyes, turning her head just so that she could observe Cassian more closely. "How are you feeling now?"
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"…Still." He tilted his face to be able to look at hers. "I don't know… Like I've stopped running for the first time since… Like I can just be here without fighting to be. You know?"
What was too much to put on someone—to let out at once? He found himself finish: "For the first time since Carida.
"…No. The second time." His hand moved, so slightly, spreading his fingers so his palm rested against her. "The first time was… the beach. With you."
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She met his eyes, an understanding clear in her gaze, even as she took another moment just to breathe, recalling the beach, holding each other tight, and feeling nothing but peace as she waited for the end to come. "Yeah. I was - I wasn't ... scared I had you and I felt ... still."
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Especially when neither of them had anywhere to be. And, also for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt safe, even desirable, to just lie here and breathe and listen, not worrying about external threat or intrusive thoughts, safe enough even to drift off to sleep.
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Not while they had the time to do little but enjoy having the time to be together, if they talked more or if they didn't, if they fell asleep or simply relished in a peace neither had known since they were children.
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Humans were one of the relatively few species who rested their entire brain at once: closed both eyes and went fully unconscious. Many other animals only rested half their brain at a time, and slept with literally one eye open.
It felt to Cassian like he'd been sleeping with one eye open most of his life. Right now, with Jyn, for the first time in years, he went fully and deeply to sleep.
The down side to that was that it allowed him to dream.
No wonder he never allowed himself to fully sleep. If he'd thrashed and screamed like this on assignment…
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But lying tangled up with Cassian, she found the type of rest that she never thought possible - blessedly free from nightmares. She woke suddenly, pulled from her dreamless sleep by a blood-chilling scream, almost tossed from the little bed by Cassian's wildly flailing arms and legs.
Still, she held her ground as she tried to wake him from whatever hellscape he was trapped inside. She couldn't hold him down - he'd fight back. She couldn't be gentle, either, othewise he'd never hear her.
"Cassian!", she sharply cried, shaking him with force. Not too roughly, not to hurt him, but to jolt him out of sleep and back with her. "Wake up! Whatever you're seeing, it's not real. I'm here, wake up, wake up, wake up!"
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