His name in her voice went straight through him like a volt. He arched back with a moan, pushing deepest inside her, pulsing to the point of pain, digging harder than he'd meant to but couldn't hold back… He ducked again in to her, her face, her throat, wrapping his arms around her tiny Force-singing frame; pressing them together, her heart to his heart, their breaths fighting together… feeling every silkenslick fiber of her around him, sheathing and rubbing and pulling him, and Force he hoped he was giving her back anything of what she was giving to him then… and… there and… oh pfassk…
His hand caressed up her shoulders, the back of her neck, to twine his fingers under her hair, cradling the back of her head, supporting her from behind as he kissed her in front; and lower, similarly, his hand moved down her spine, to the small of her back, and lower still, caressing and cupping below as he worked in her above… equal and opposite propulsion, making her the fulcrum of labor… and it swept through him, again, the breathless incredulity that this was happening, it was them, together… his stomach muscles contracted, digging him in deep, and he groaned against her skin, panting for breath, every point of contact between them electric and (he hoped) loving.
Yes… Jyn… "Go on," he gasped, hardly knowing he'd spoken, before his lips found hers.
Jyn cried out sharply arched back and pushed further than he'd been before, and suddenly, unexpectedly, she saw stars, shuddering as he touched parts of her she hadn't previously know about, parts that sent a white-hot heat coursing through her. And thank the stars that he had enough presence of mind to hold her close, to hold her steady even as he pressed his forehead to hers, and then against her throat, where she was sure her pulse was nearly beating out of her skin. Heart to heart, face to face, their bodies moved in time, and she had never felt anything so ... all-encompassing.
And that was before he touched her again, explored her skin, anchoring her back to the moment - to him - touched her and kissed her and found a way to help her move all the more firmly against him, and as she cried out for him, because it all felt like too much, Jyn knew that she would never want this - any of it - with anyone else.
"Not without you", she moaned, her voice and the words muffled by the heated kiss.
Well, then. He'd always follow her lead. And he was hardly about to resist that one…
He didn't think he'd be able to… but Jyn's voice, her words, her body, her everything, —and he shuddered and gasped… no, actually cried out this time, more expressive than he'd ever been even when putting on a show; and this was definitely not a show. This was so real… He wasn't sure he'd ever felt reality in its wholeness before. But this was it. This was everything. They were luminous beings birthing the universe between them.
And into their labor, he came again, pulling her so tight against him he nearly made them sit upright; but not feeling the mattress, not feeling gravity, just their bodies together in space and time, transmuted and transcendent. He came in her and only his desire to see and feel and hear her come too kept him from losing all sense entirely. Oh skies, oh my love
They were in the center of a supernova, burning fast, bright, and white-hot. Everything ceased to exist except the two of them, the lightning in their veins and the thundering of their hearts, how they were inextricably entwined and linked, and always would be.
Cassian cried out for her - because of her - and Jyn answered in kind. He pulled her impossibly closer and for a moment, she found herself momentarily breathless and weightless before gravity pulled them both down and all she could do was hope that she was crying Cassian! or yesyesyes or any number of other things professing her love instead of simply sobbing because she was just too overwhelmed and overwrought for anything else.
His hand found her head beneath her hair, the back of her neck, again; cradling and supporting her; remaining strong and steady even as the rest of him utterly collapsed. Every joint releasing, every muscle going lax, probably his very bones dissolving as he melted into her; his body weightless and shapeless fitting limply in her every curve like they were bedclothes; indistinguishable landscapes. Only his hard breathing marked him as still animate; that and the gentlest tracing of his thumb through her hair.
Okay… he didn't quite have the breath or wherewithal to say yet; that was…
It seemed a miracle that Cassian had found enough presence of mind to be able to help ease Jyn through the rest of her aftershocks when all she could do was hold onto him with trembling, weak fingers, riding out the weaker waves that washed over her.
Truly, she thought, now they truly were one. And as he helped her lie down, she knew it would be difficult to tell where one began and the other ended, they were so inextricably tangled up together.
Maybe nothing yet needed to be said. Maybe it was understood in the way it seemed as natural as breathing to want to stay as close as possible, but at some point, she wanted to ask -
The remaining tremors passed through her into him, and felt exquisite… even those that hit overstimulated nerves and nearly caused him to cringe. All of it. Please. Yes. All of it. He turned his head where it had come to rest beside hers; closed his eyes, put his forehead against hers, pressed his lips to her cheek.
"That was amazing," he finally murmured in Yavál before repeating it in Basic. "You're amazing."
Jyn wanted to argue that she hadn't done anything worthy of being called amazing, but thankfully, the lump in her throat was too large to swallow down, and so, it kept the words at bay. Her breath caught but she welcomed Cassian further into her personal space - or was it theirs now - her fingers gentle as she traced nondescript patterns against his arm, warm and loose and utterly satisfied.
But perhaps most importantly of all - safe and content and ... loved.
"You are", she sighed in return, her voice hoarse, a little bit wrecked. "I didn't know I could feel - "
Well. Too much to try to explain without knowing exactly how to. She hoped he knew nonetheless.
His fingers curled around her shoulder; firm, not too forceful, warm and worshipful; and he exhaled gladness. He was hoarse, too, and more unfiltered than he'd probably been around anyone other than Kaytoo in… years, upon years: "You deserve everything… everything that was stolen from you… if I can be a part of you finding any of it… I want to so much, Jyn."
Jyn found no reason to pull away - it wasn't a possessive gesture more than it was a sort of confirmation that she was really there, much like the soft touch of her fingers to his skin, the reassurance that this was not just a figment of her imagination like so many times before.
Her fingers stilled and her heartbeat stuttered but she felt all the more certain that now, she truly had found a place to belong, and that it was by Cassian's side. She hardly thought herself eloquent or that her words were even adequate, but she still managed, somehow, to find what she thought encapsulated what she was feeling.
The last time Cassian had shed an actual tear was the planet Jenoport. Kaytoo had found him sitting on a shipping crate, staring at the blaster in his hands, and weeping. Kay had taken the blaster away from him and offered to undergo a memory wipe, if Cassian's 'continued dignity and service demanded it'.*
An actual tear cut a trace down his cheek now as he propped himself up to look in her eyes. And whispered back: "You're my home, too."
After a moment just watching, Jyn reached up to brush the tear away, although she was just as overwhelmed by it all, just as overcome. Despite it, though, there was a joy in her eyes that she couldn't contain, a joy that maybe - most likely - she had never even felt before.
Cassian met her eyes, smiled back, brought up his hand to cup her face and kissed her again.
Then sank down beside her, keeping her face between his lips and his hand, and let his eyes fall closed again. Feeling… for, again, the first time in who knows how long… that there wasn't a gaping hole running through him. Feeling instead… filled… and… peaceful.
Jyn returned the kiss easily, a muffled but ultimately happy sigh escaping her lips. She and Cassian had been complete people before meeting each other, but that didn't mean that they couldn't fill the holes in each other's hearts, that they couldn't - with all their broken pieces - find a way to fit together regardless.
There was no place to go but to lie back down, and Jyn did just that, careful as she curled an arm around him, holding close, wanting to stay as close as possible for as long as possible, before duty and responsibility got in the way, which she knew it would.
A shakier breath escaped him at her arm around him. And another tear. …And he found himself silently crying. What? No…! That was not how he wanted her to think about this… what was wrong with…?
Release. That's all it was. Of things he'd been holding together for so long, he'd forgotten he was doing it. He pressed his closed eyes to her skin and tried to calm down… but by calming down, not by suppression or concealment. Not here and now; not with her.
"Sorry," he breathed as he began to succeed. "I'm not… this is…" Pfassk, he didn't know how to say it.
Jyn could feel the hitch in Cassian's breath, the shaking of his shoulders and knew that he must have been crying, but there was little she could do in the way of comfort other than continue holding him, being there for whatever he needed from her.
Consolation was not a skill that she was very practiced with, after all. So she kept still, and she held him, and she allowed him time to get it out, no pushing for him to talk about what he was feeling, but offering an ear, a shoulder should he feel safe enough to.
She made a softly distressed little noise when he apologized and wished he knew without her having to say that he never had to apologize for feeling how he felt. "You don't have to explain."
He nodded a thank you against her skin and focused on breathing. It evened, slowed, and gradually synced with hers. Finally, he rolled over onto his back, pulling in the cooler air above them. Though one arm remained under her, holding her gently but firmly, and the other crossed himself to keep his hand touching her.
She'd said he didn't have to explain… and he knew it was true; but he wanted to. "Been years since that happened," he breathed, eyes still closed. "Guess I needed it."
Now, she rubbed her thumb reassuringly against his side, only closing her eyes once she was sure that all Cassian really needed was time to let whatever was afflicting him to pass. He pulled her closer and she allowed it, still quiet, still waiting for permission, spoken or otherwise, to break the silence between them.
"I'd say you're a little overdue - ", she murmured, slowly opening her eyes, turning her head just so that she could observe Cassian more closely. "How are you feeling now?"
His brow furrowed a bit. He tried to find the word.
"…Still." He tilted his face to be able to look at hers. "I don't know… Like I've stopped running for the first time since… Like I can just be here without fighting to be. You know?"
What was too much to put on someone—to let out at once? He found himself finish: "For the first time since Carida.
"…No. The second time." His hand moved, so slightly, spreading his fingers so his palm rested against her. "The first time was… the beach. With you."
Jyn thought she understood completely. She didn't have to hide behind an alias with Cassian, and now, she knew that she didn't have to hide her feelings either - because he felt the same. "Like - ", she began, her brow furrowing slightly as she tried to find the right words, "I can breathe when I'm with you."
She met his eyes, an understanding clear in her gaze, even as she took another moment just to breathe, recalling the beach, holding each other tight, and feeling nothing but peace as she waited for the end to come. "Yeah. I was - I wasn't ... scared I had you and I felt ... still."
Just like now. She could just be with Cassian. She could breathe, and do nothing more than simply feel content with him, all wrapped up in the relative quiet. It was ... enough.
He wondered whether to tell her that first time since Carida meant first time since he was six. He decided not. Not that he didn't want her knowing; just that he didn't feel like disturbing their peace with things like that. (She had childhood trauma, too.)
Especially when neither of them had anywhere to be. And, also for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt safe, even desirable, to just lie here and breathe and listen, not worrying about external threat or intrusive thoughts, safe enough even to drift off to sleep.
There was still so much to talk about, and Jyn hoped that they would have enough time to share it all. Maybe not all at once, but eventually. Especially not now, while they were quiet and tired (in all the best ways), warm and wrapped up with each other.
Not while they had the time to do little but enjoy having the time to be together, if they talked more or if they didn't, if they fell asleep or simply relished in a peace neither had known since they were children.
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His hand caressed up her shoulders, the back of her neck, to twine his fingers under her hair, cradling the back of her head, supporting her from behind as he kissed her in front; and lower, similarly, his hand moved down her spine, to the small of her back, and lower still, caressing and cupping below as he worked in her above… equal and opposite propulsion, making her the fulcrum of labor… and it swept through him, again, the breathless incredulity that this was happening, it was them, together… his stomach muscles contracted, digging him in deep, and he groaned against her skin, panting for breath, every point of contact between them electric and (he hoped) loving.
Yes… Jyn… "Go on," he gasped, hardly knowing he'd spoken, before his lips found hers.
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And that was before he touched her again, explored her skin, anchoring her back to the moment - to him - touched her and kissed her and found a way to help her move all the more firmly against him, and as she cried out for him, because it all felt like too much, Jyn knew that she would never want this - any of it - with anyone else.
"Not without you", she moaned, her voice and the words muffled by the heated kiss.
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He didn't think he'd be able to… but Jyn's voice, her words, her body, her everything, —and he shuddered and gasped… no, actually cried out this time, more expressive than he'd ever been even when putting on a show; and this was definitely not a show. This was so real… He wasn't sure he'd ever felt reality in its wholeness before. But this was it. This was everything. They were luminous beings birthing the universe between them.
And into their labor, he came again, pulling her so tight against him he nearly made them sit upright; but not feeling the mattress, not feeling gravity, just their bodies together in space and time, transmuted and transcendent. He came in her and only his desire to see and feel and hear her come too kept him from losing all sense entirely. Oh skies, oh my love
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They were in the center of a supernova, burning fast, bright, and white-hot. Everything ceased to exist except the two of them, the lightning in their veins and the thundering of their hearts, how they were inextricably entwined and linked, and always would be.
Cassian cried out for her - because of her - and Jyn answered in kind. He pulled her impossibly closer and for a moment, she found herself momentarily breathless and weightless before gravity pulled them both down and all she could do was hope that she was crying Cassian! or yesyesyes or any number of other things professing her love instead of simply sobbing because she was just too overwhelmed and overwrought for anything else.
This - he - was everything.
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Okay… he didn't quite have the breath or wherewithal to say yet; that was…
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Truly, she thought, now they truly were one. And as he helped her lie down, she knew it would be difficult to tell where one began and the other ended, they were so inextricably tangled up together.
Maybe nothing yet needed to be said. Maybe it was understood in the way it seemed as natural as breathing to want to stay as close as possible, but at some point, she wanted to ask -
It's not always like this, is it?
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"That was amazing," he finally murmured in Yavál before repeating it in Basic. "You're amazing."
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But perhaps most importantly of all - safe and content and ... loved.
"You are", she sighed in return, her voice hoarse, a little bit wrecked. "I didn't know I could feel - "
Well. Too much to try to explain without knowing exactly how to. She hoped he knew nonetheless.
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Her fingers stilled and her heartbeat stuttered but she felt all the more certain that now, she truly had found a place to belong, and that it was by Cassian's side. She hardly thought herself eloquent or that her words were even adequate, but she still managed, somehow, to find what she thought encapsulated what she was feeling.
"Home for me is where you are."
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The last time Cassian had shed an actual tear was the planet Jenoport. Kaytoo had found him sitting on a shipping crate, staring at the blaster in his hands, and weeping. Kay had taken the blaster away from him and offered to undergo a memory wipe, if Cassian's 'continued dignity and service demanded it'.*
An actual tear cut a trace down his cheek now as he propped himself up to look in her eyes. And whispered back: "You're my home, too."
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"Wherever we go, whatever we do, it's together."
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Cassian met her eyes, smiled back, brought up his hand to cup her face and kissed her again.
Then sank down beside her, keeping her face between his lips and his hand, and let his eyes fall closed again. Feeling… for, again, the first time in who knows how long… that there wasn't a gaping hole running through him. Feeling instead… filled… and… peaceful.
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There was no place to go but to lie back down, and Jyn did just that, careful as she curled an arm around him, holding close, wanting to stay as close as possible for as long as possible, before duty and responsibility got in the way, which she knew it would.
Right now, though, right now was theirs.
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Release. That's all it was. Of things he'd been holding together for so long, he'd forgotten he was doing it. He pressed his closed eyes to her skin and tried to calm down… but by calming down, not by suppression or concealment. Not here and now; not with her.
"Sorry," he breathed as he began to succeed. "I'm not… this is…" Pfassk, he didn't know how to say it.
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Consolation was not a skill that she was very practiced with, after all. So she kept still, and she held him, and she allowed him time to get it out, no pushing for him to talk about what he was feeling, but offering an ear, a shoulder should he feel safe enough to.
She made a softly distressed little noise when he apologized and wished he knew without her having to say that he never had to apologize for feeling how he felt. "You don't have to explain."
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She'd said he didn't have to explain… and he knew it was true; but he wanted to. "Been years since that happened," he breathed, eyes still closed. "Guess I needed it."
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Now, she rubbed her thumb reassuringly against his side, only closing her eyes once she was sure that all Cassian really needed was time to let whatever was afflicting him to pass. He pulled her closer and she allowed it, still quiet, still waiting for permission, spoken or otherwise, to break the silence between them.
"I'd say you're a little overdue - ", she murmured, slowly opening her eyes, turning her head just so that she could observe Cassian more closely. "How are you feeling now?"
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"…Still." He tilted his face to be able to look at hers. "I don't know… Like I've stopped running for the first time since… Like I can just be here without fighting to be. You know?"
What was too much to put on someone—to let out at once? He found himself finish: "For the first time since Carida.
"…No. The second time." His hand moved, so slightly, spreading his fingers so his palm rested against her. "The first time was… the beach. With you."
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She met his eyes, an understanding clear in her gaze, even as she took another moment just to breathe, recalling the beach, holding each other tight, and feeling nothing but peace as she waited for the end to come. "Yeah. I was - I wasn't ... scared I had you and I felt ... still."
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Especially when neither of them had anywhere to be. And, also for the first time in a very, very long time, it felt safe, even desirable, to just lie here and breathe and listen, not worrying about external threat or intrusive thoughts, safe enough even to drift off to sleep.
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Not while they had the time to do little but enjoy having the time to be together, if they talked more or if they didn't, if they fell asleep or simply relished in a peace neither had known since they were children.
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