[she's right he knows he does and part of his mind runs through it
had he stayed she would have wanted none of him she was bereaved he was a stranger it would have gone badly or never at all
but even if they found each other recognized their reflections stayed allies then friends then who knows more
he would have been deserting the Rebellion abandoning Kay
and someday the Death Star would have destroyed not only Alderaan but Yavin those he had loved, so many more and somewhere inside he would have known he could have done something and what would they be then
they never could have done anything but live out those lives
but it doesn't matter because it finally found him (long cheated, long overdue) the kyberradiation splitting him to dust he burns in it, consumed and even her presence against him isn't enough to overpower the grief and loss they could have had years
the loss of her before he knew her on Fivepoints losing her just when he'd started to know her on Scarif the utter theft of both their lives
I know I know
we can have it now
He needs to feel… something other than this something not disintegration and fury needs to be reminded—re-believe this is real
he wants to feel her bear her up against the wall wrap her legs around him part her lips lock inside feel her hold him her heartbeat through all
—but he's suddenly terrified that this is a violent desire. The creature he might always have been, not in training but instinct, wanting to dominate and control, in the face of all that he can't…
but the radiant warmth of her the quantum song distant sunlight on the child she never was the vulnerable honor of her trust
he could go down on his knees before her close his eyes against her stomach beg her to let him serve
all he feels is devotion and protectiveness, tenderness, longing, faith he doesn't want to dominate her he never never wants to hurt her
but this still… he shouldn't be thinking that she is refuge she is home she is light and need her to outshine the afterimage behind his eyes
That's not what… she's not a means to… she's not here for him, she's Jyn—
(No don't put that on a person dont ask her it can't be right don't be an addict it can't be right for him to need so badly
—make me remember —make me forget
don't ask her)
…He's spent all control.
He bows his head against her shoulder.
Whispers,]
Can we go somewhere?
[I'm sorry I'll stop if you ask me I'll leave if you tell me I'm sorry to make you tell or ask me
[action] c/w
he knows
he does and part of his mind runs through it
had he stayed
she would have wanted none of him
she was bereaved
he was a stranger
it would have gone badly
or never at all
but even if they found each other
recognized their reflections
stayed allies then friends then who knows more
he would have been deserting the Rebellion
abandoning Kay
and someday the Death Star would have destroyed not only Alderaan but Yavin
those he had loved, so many more
and somewhere inside he would have known he could have done something
and what would they be then
they never could have done anything but live out those lives
but it doesn't matter because it finally found him
(long cheated, long overdue)
the kyberradiation
splitting him to dust
he burns in it, consumed
and even her presence against him isn't enough to overpower the grief and loss
they could have had years
the loss of her before he knew her on Fivepoints
losing her just when he'd started to know her on Scarif
the utter theft of both their lives
I know
I know
we can have it now
He needs to feel…
something other than this
something not disintegration and fury
needs to be reminded—re-believe this is real
he wants to feel her
bear her up against the wall
wrap her legs around him
part her lips
lock inside
feel her hold him
her heartbeat through all
—but he's suddenly terrified that this is a violent desire.
The creature he might always have been, not in training but instinct, wanting to dominate and control, in the face of all that he can't…
but the radiant warmth of her
the quantum song
distant sunlight on the child she never was
the vulnerable honor of her trust
he could go down on his knees before her
close his eyes against her stomach
beg her to let him serve
all he feels is devotion and protectiveness, tenderness, longing, faith
he doesn't want to dominate her
he never never wants to hurt her
but this still…
he shouldn't be thinking that she is refuge
she is home
she is light
and need her to outshine the afterimage behind his eyes
That's not what… she's not a means to… she's not here for him,
she's Jyn—
(No
don't put that on a person
dont ask her
it can't be right
don't be an addict
it can't be right for him to need
so
badly
—make me remember
—make me forget
don't ask her)
…He's spent all control.
He bows his head against her shoulder.
Whispers,]
Can we go somewhere?
[I'm sorry
I'll stop if you ask me
I'll leave if you tell me
I'm sorry to make you tell or ask me
please let me feel
you
alive]