They both kept leaning in every time the other touched them.
Was it following a cue or giving in and betraying his resolve if he took that to mean he should…?
There was only so much thinking he could do. Exactly the reason he'd never allowed himself to get close to anything like this before: he couldn't figure out the situation completely solo when there was another person so intrinsically involved. When he cared intensely what they wanted.
(Don't think about how many times he'd had to function by turning such caring off.)
…That cooled his jets to allow him to actually follow through on that quick shower. Almost too much to allow him to get himself back to her side and into her bed.
But again: not all up to him. And at l(e)ast, now, she had some idea what was real, who he was, to actually be choosing.
He reemerged from the 'fresher, wet hair towel-tousled, towel itself around narrow waist, scarred torso glistening in the low light.
For a bit, he just stayed in the doorway, gazing at her. Those crinkles around, such warmth inside, his focused eyes.
Maybe he was an idiot. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he shouldn't trust this. Maybe he should have resigned long ago to prevent being a traitor because he wanted this too much to doubt or resist. But he hadn't imagined he'd ever actually have it.
And right now, he was going to allow himself—whether he was really choosing to or not, whatever later agony it might be inviting—to believe it. He did.
He instinctively started toward the bed, had even taken the hem of blanket in his hand to lift and slide in beside her, before remembering he was still only wearing the towel. He set the blanket gently back down so he could go pull on some pants.
Maybe it was inevitable, the way they were both being pulled into each other's orbit. Maybe there was no fighting gravity. Maybe Jyn didn't want to have to fight anymore. And while she wasn't going to push for anything that Cassian didn't want, she was content enough to think that they could still have - at the very least - sleeping all wrapped up in each other's arms.
Because she had gone one night without it, and she knew that nothing would ever feel as comforting and reassuring. And she thought that maybe Cassian might feel the same.
Jyn tried not to question the hows or whys or what ifs as she fixed the bed properly. Those were thoughts for later. All she wanted to concentrate on was now. It had been such an exhausting day - physically and emotionally - and all she wanted was to find some rest together before the morning came and they would have to return to their daily duties ... and figuring out what to do and where to go next in their secretive lives.
With a sigh, she slipped underneath the covers and waited. She heard a toy jingling faintly from the living space and knew that Argi would be able to amuse himself for the time being. And then Cassian emerged from the 'fresher, but made no move to join her just yet, seemingly content enough to stand in the doorway clad in only that towel, and watch her.
In any other situation, that would've been disconcerting. But she thought the warmth of his eyes radiated out to lick at her, and for once, Jyn didn't mind being observed so closely. She said nothing as he finally stepped toward the bed, her cheeks flushing as she watched the approach, breathing out a soft chuckle as Cassian stopped, realized what he was wearing, or the lack thereof, and switched gears in order to put something else on.
And Jyn averted her eyes. She didn't want to steal a look if it wasn't an invitation that Cassian was offering.
He kept his back to her—which, among people like them, was perhaps the greatest sign of trust—as he shed the towel and quickly replaced it with sleeping pants.
For the first time, he didn't bother with a shirt.
He returned to her side, and finally slipped under the sheets beside her.
He didn't simply grab her. (For better or worse: he would never. Never presume consent just because it had been granted before.)
Instead, like alerting her to his presence (though of course her other senses would have done so already), his hand came up to trace a line on her face and brush a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Jyn closed her eyes and waited. As always, she felt like she wouldn't be able to find much rest if Cassian wasn't by her side.
She decidedly did not concentrate on the knowledge that she had married an alter ego and not Cassian himself. And did she truly know him or did she know the version that he wanted her to see, the version best suited for the mission that he was on?
Her brow furrowed, and she shut her eyes all the harder and tried to will away thoughts that she didn't want to indulge in at that particular moment in time.
Or ever.
She opened her eyes as she felt the mattress dip, and greeted Cassian with a small smile once he was lying down, slowly inching her way closer even as he touched her face and swept her loose hair away from her face. Jyn wanted this to return to their normal, but still felt so hesitant, almost shy as she almost whispered -
Jyn's heart stuttered in her chest. She hadn't been thinking along those lines - rather, she had meant could she touch the skin that Cassian had bared to her, to explore the scars that he had trusted her to see.
But -
It would be a lie to say that she didn't want ...
Slightly trembling fingers brushed against his shoulder as she recalled a previous conversation, her voice just as quiet and intent as his had been.
"Nothing that we don't want. What do you want, Cassian?"
Not because she found anything funny in Cassian's words - but the opposite, in fact. If he was looking for her to lead him ... it would probably end up a total disaster.
Whatever they were on the precipice of, she had no experience with whatsoever, didn't know the first thing about intimacy other than what they were sharing with each other. And sex? Well, she wasn't completely naive, she knew how it worked ... n theory.
But leading him? It felt like a responsibility that she wasn't the least bit prepared for.
"... I don't know the first thing about how any of this is supposed to work. I'm afraid that you'll be disappointed with me if I make a wrong move."
Perhaps most importantly, the gentle touch kept her steady when she had nearly felt like spiraling apart. She sighed gratefully and rested a little more intently into the touch.
"I don't want to be cruel to you", she murmured, finally finding enough presence of mind to lift a hand and rest it ever so lightly against his. "I just want so much that I don't know where to begin."
After a moment, her lips lifted into the hint of a smile, her eyes softened, and she asked - "Will you kiss me?"
Time enough to see the curve of a smile transform his face; before, with care but without hesitation—framed by their joined hands on her cheek—he closed those last millimetres between them and did so.
Time enough to get a sense of how beautiful that smile could be - unbidden and unburdened. If Jyn was hesitant, it was only internally, and only because of her inexperience, not because she was unsure of her request nor her desire to kiss Cassian.
But for all her worry about not knowing what to do, when their lips finally touched, all she did was take a gasping little breath - the noise muffled, of course - she relaxed into it, against Cassian all the further.
His lips paused, parted, for her to breathe; and when she softened into them, they followed suit—moving on and with and inside hers, but gently, always.
Under her hand, his knuckles rippled like a wave, seeming to massage her palm on purpose, as his fingers flexed and reached a little to slip under her hairline. They stroked and cradled the back of her head, equalizing in back what was happening in front.
And in the rest of "in front"—his other hand slipped between her waist and the mattress, curving around it, holding her, another soft pressure. And it brought their bodies right together, so their hearts beat against each other.
And everything happened slowly enough for Jyn to accept and acclimate and enjoy. It was certainly overwhelming, to find herself gathered so gently and pulled closer than they had ever been before, to feel his fingers in her hair, making her shiver pleasantly, his arm as it curled around her and held her steady ...
Well ... sublime was the only word that came to mind. She felt so dizzy, in all the very best ways.
Her own fingers stroked his shoulder softly, felt along the line of his side, taking in the warmth of his skin. Not quite the exploration of his scars she had initially meant, but maybe, in this moment at least, better.
After some moments, the hand on her waist ran around to her back. His arm followed, closing around her at last fully, embracing her, and he held her close.
He held and kissed her, clearly impassioned by both—his mouth continually finding new ways to dance with and worship hers, his arm occasionally tensing a little to press her deeper into himself. But he seemed content to keep doing this without adding anything more. It didn't even feel like he was waiting for her. Just… fully exploring and enjoying this in of itself, not (as so often, in fiction and in life) as a means to an end.
Several times, his mouth paused, in a moment of them being just far enough apart that one of them might speak… but if he was thinking about saying something, he decided against it every time in favor of resuming the kiss.
She had become used to being held close while she and Cassian slept, but this was something remarkably different. Jyn felt wanted in a way that she had never known before.
And although she could have felt like she was lacking in some way because of her inexperience, Jyn felt anything but as she was urged all the closer still (there wasn't much closer she could get) and kissed over and over and over again until she was breathless and almost mindless as she restlessly rocked her hips against his, her fingers drifting, exploring the expanse of his back.
Despite that restlessness, she felt that if things didn't go any further than this, she'd be perfectly content. Hazy and unfocused, she held what little breath her body contained as she waited for Cassian to speak ... but he never did. After the third time, she took it upon herself to speak instead, her voice soft and low -
"I love you, you know."
Honestly and truly, and with everything that she was, more than she ever thought she could care about another person, more than she ever thought she would find in her life, despite all the reasons that the pair of them shouldn't be together.
The movement of her hips against him was good. Very good. Her gentle fingers writing secrets on his skin. Her breath, her pulse, her mouth… He had to back off a little and run through mental exercises to keep his autonomic reflexes from… engaging.
Usually he had exceptional control… but right now…
(He had so much experience, in so many ways… But not… He'd always wondered what it might be like because he wanted to, with someone he actually liked…)
…he only half-succeeded. Not full rigidity imposing itself, demanding of her… but his body still showed a definite effect.
And a distinct throb accentuated that process, at her voice. What she said.
He pulled back his head, neck arching to do so without separating their bodies; just enough so his eyes could find hers, as his hand found her cheek.
"I love you," he said, quiet and low, back. "By the Force. Jyn… Very much."
The way he responded to her was just as good. Better than she had imagined. The way he held her against him, the noises he made, how eagerly he sought her out for more, the way he still held back, just in case she wasn't comfortable.
But she was comfortable. She was enjoying every second of this, committing it all to memory, every touch, every kiss, every gasp or groan ... the way his body reacted to hers, not insistent, not pressuring in any way, just enough to show that he was affected as much as she was.
And that throb coaxed a soft moan from her lips as she met his eyes, accepted the gentle touch. "Where you go, I go, okay?"
His heartbeat faltered. Where you go, I go… A reassertion that, yes, when he left, she'd go with him…? Or… did she mean…
Both. Obviously. Don't second-guess. It was both.
"Okay," he whispered back, voice too hoarse for anything louder.
…He dared to try something. Go just a little further.
He bent his face to her again, but this time to her neck. And started kissing her there, along the column of her throat, the gentle curve from ear to clavicle, his lips and tongue working gently on her flesh, flexing tendons and pulse—to monitor her reactions, yes, but not because he mistrusted, now. Because he wanted them to be good. And wanted to learn what would make them so, for her.
Jyn couldn't imagine being left behind after everything. She couldn't imagine going on with her life the way it was before Cassian had come into it, no matter the circumstances that had brought them together.
But also ...
Jyn didn't think that she wanted to pull back now, either. She wanted Cassian, without a shadow of a doubt, but perhaps more importantly, she trusted him. So when he turned his kisses to her throat, she welcomed him, instinctually canting her head to the side in order to offer him all the room he could ever need in order to continue the path of those kisses, a heavy sigh escaping her lips, her fingers trembling as she carded them through his hair, unconsciously urging more.
Her beautiful sigh, her fingers in his hair, were welcome guides he followed at once. The way she leaned back, giving her throat to him, an act of trust and glad encouragement, hardened him more. His hand returned to her face, thumb trailing gently along her cheek, as his kisses on her throat, in the hollow of her clavicle, deepened. He rolled them gently, the barest little, to be less side-by-side; instead, laying her reverently onto her back, and holding himself carefully (not putting all his weight on her) over her, to explore the front and both sides of her neck more completely. And trail some kisses a little (just little) farther downward.
Nobody had ever made Jyn feel as though she was something precious or fragile. But then, she had never let anyone close enough to take the chance. But for as nervous as she was, she was still so glad that she was sharing all of this with Cassian.
Deeper into her desire she spiraled with every exploratory kiss, every deliberate touch, but even so, she found herself laughing breathlessly as she found herself on her back with him above, still intent upon tasting what little skin she had exposed.
But from this position, she was more able to touch Cassian, too, to explore his arms and sides with gentle fingertips, to trail them along the line of his collarbone, too, and finally down the planes of his chest, the flush of her cheeks darkening as she did.
Her laughter made him pause, draw back to to meet her eyes—then smile and return to his task.
Her exploration of him made him pause again; not in his kisses but in his downward trajectory. He liked her taking her own initiative. He didn't want to distract or discourage. So he changed direction, kissing along her shoulder, down her arm, to the inside of her wrist; a mark of approval on her hands' behavior and leaving himself as open to her as she'd made herself to him.
If that was even necessary, when his skin delicately shivered in her fingers' wake.
Well, Jyn couldn't let Cassian have all the fun, could she? Besides, it was impossible to ignore the desire to touch and feel and memorize him for as much as she was enjoying being touched and felt and memorized as well.
All the better was that he allowed her to do it, and how easily he changed paths to allow her more access, and in the moment, all she could feel was grateful to even have the chance to do this and experience it with him.
Jyn didn't know how sensitive her inner arms were until she experienced Cassian pressing a line of kisses down the length of one, and she shivered in response. Deciding to take a risk, she quietly asked - "Will you help me with my shirt?"
Off. She wanted it off. She wanted to experience the pleasure of skin-to-skin contact with the man that she loved.
Eyes again flickered to meet hers (stardust and sunspot), and an answering shiver ran through him. But again, no hesitation—freedom—in doing as she asked. More trust.
He sat back to be able to run his hands, gently, waterlike, under the hem of her shirt, along her body; and push it up, off of her.
They freed her fully. He slung the shirt over the headboard without his eyes ever leaving hers.
He didn't just duck in, again, and go exploring where she'd bared. Instead, he stayed sitting back, his chest and torso as open to her as she'd made hers to him. (Waiting for her, by words or hands, to guide him next.) But lightly, maybe tentatively, he ran his fingertips down the center of her, from breastbone to navel, and over to her ribs.
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Was it following a cue or giving in and betraying his resolve if he took that to mean he should…?
There was only so much thinking he could do. Exactly the reason he'd never allowed himself to get close to anything like this before: he couldn't figure out the situation completely solo when there was another person so intrinsically involved. When he cared intensely what they wanted.
(Don't think about how many times he'd had to function by turning such caring off.)
…That cooled his jets to allow him to actually follow through on that quick shower. Almost too much to allow him to get himself back to her side and into her bed.
But again: not all up to him. And at l(e)ast, now, she had some idea what was real, who he was, to actually be choosing.
He reemerged from the 'fresher, wet hair towel-tousled, towel itself around narrow waist, scarred torso glistening in the low light.
For a bit, he just stayed in the doorway, gazing at her. Those crinkles around, such warmth inside, his focused eyes.
Maybe he was an idiot. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he shouldn't trust this. Maybe he should have resigned long ago to prevent being a traitor because he wanted this too much to doubt or resist. But he hadn't imagined he'd ever actually have it.
And right now, he was going to allow himself—whether he was really choosing to or not, whatever later agony it might be inviting—to believe it. He did.
He instinctively started toward the bed, had even taken the hem of blanket in his hand to lift and slide in beside her, before remembering he was still only wearing the towel. He set the blanket gently back down so he could go pull on some pants.
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Because she had gone one night without it, and she knew that nothing would ever feel as comforting and reassuring. And she thought that maybe Cassian might feel the same.
Jyn tried not to question the hows or whys or what ifs as she fixed the bed properly. Those were thoughts for later. All she wanted to concentrate on was now. It had been such an exhausting day - physically and emotionally - and all she wanted was to find some rest together before the morning came and they would have to return to their daily duties ... and figuring out what to do and where to go next in their secretive lives.
With a sigh, she slipped underneath the covers and waited. She heard a toy jingling faintly from the living space and knew that Argi would be able to amuse himself for the time being. And then Cassian emerged from the 'fresher, but made no move to join her just yet, seemingly content enough to stand in the doorway clad in only that towel, and watch her.
In any other situation, that would've been disconcerting. But she thought the warmth of his eyes radiated out to lick at her, and for once, Jyn didn't mind being observed so closely. She said nothing as he finally stepped toward the bed, her cheeks flushing as she watched the approach, breathing out a soft chuckle as Cassian stopped, realized what he was wearing, or the lack thereof, and switched gears in order to put something else on.
And Jyn averted her eyes. She didn't want to steal a look if it wasn't an invitation that Cassian was offering.
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For the first time, he didn't bother with a shirt.
He returned to her side, and finally slipped under the sheets beside her.
He didn't simply grab her. (For better or worse: he would never. Never presume consent just because it had been granted before.)
Instead, like alerting her to his presence (though of course her other senses would have done so already), his hand came up to trace a line on her face and brush a strand of her hair behind her ear.
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She decidedly did not concentrate on the knowledge that she had married an alter ego and not Cassian himself. And did she truly know him or did she know the version that he wanted her to see, the version best suited for the mission that he was on?
Her brow furrowed, and she shut her eyes all the harder and tried to will away thoughts that she didn't want to indulge in at that particular moment in time.
Or ever.
She opened her eyes as she felt the mattress dip, and greeted Cassian with a small smile once he was lying down, slowly inching her way closer even as he touched her face and swept her loose hair away from her face. Jyn wanted this to return to their normal, but still felt so hesitant, almost shy as she almost whispered -
"Can I touch you?"
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"You know," he said at last; very, very low. "The lines I said I couldn't cross… That was because I couldn't bear it while you didn't know.
"You know now."
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But -
It would be a lie to say that she didn't want ...
Slightly trembling fingers brushed against his shoulder as she recalled a previous conversation, her voice just as quiet and intent as his had been.
"Nothing that we don't want. What do you want, Cassian?"
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…
…
It was meant to be a straightforward question.
But all he could say at last was:
"To trust it.
"I'll never trust it if it comes first from me."
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Not because she found anything funny in Cassian's words - but the opposite, in fact. If he was looking for her to lead him ... it would probably end up a total disaster.
Whatever they were on the precipice of, she had no experience with whatsoever, didn't know the first thing about intimacy other than what they were sharing with each other. And sex? Well, she wasn't completely naive, she knew how it worked ... n theory.
But leading him? It felt like a responsibility that she wasn't the least bit prepared for.
"... I don't know the first thing about how any of this is supposed to work. I'm afraid that you'll be disappointed with me if I make a wrong move."
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"There's no 'supposed to'. It's only 'wrong' if it's cruel. As long as you're really in it together, both wanting to be, it works.
"I meant. You don't have to hold back. I'll just wait for you to ask. We don't have to go further either.
"The answer's yes."
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"I don't want to be cruel to you", she murmured, finally finding enough presence of mind to lift a hand and rest it ever so lightly against his. "I just want so much that I don't know where to begin."
After a moment, her lips lifted into the hint of a smile, her eyes softened, and she asked - "Will you kiss me?"
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But for all her worry about not knowing what to do, when their lips finally touched, all she did was take a gasping little breath - the noise muffled, of course - she relaxed into it, against Cassian all the further.
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Under her hand, his knuckles rippled like a wave, seeming to massage her palm on purpose, as his fingers flexed and reached a little to slip under her hairline. They stroked and cradled the back of her head, equalizing in back what was happening in front.
And in the rest of "in front"—his other hand slipped between her waist and the mattress, curving around it, holding her, another soft pressure. And it brought their bodies right together, so their hearts beat against each other.
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Well ... sublime was the only word that came to mind. She felt so dizzy, in all the very best ways.
Her own fingers stroked his shoulder softly, felt along the line of his side, taking in the warmth of his skin. Not quite the exploration of his scars she had initially meant, but maybe, in this moment at least, better.
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He held and kissed her, clearly impassioned by both—his mouth continually finding new ways to dance with and worship hers, his arm occasionally tensing a little to press her deeper into himself. But he seemed content to keep doing this without adding anything more. It didn't even feel like he was waiting for her. Just… fully exploring and enjoying this in of itself, not (as so often, in fiction and in life) as a means to an end.
Several times, his mouth paused, in a moment of them being just far enough apart that one of them might speak… but if he was thinking about saying something, he decided against it every time in favor of resuming the kiss.
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And although she could have felt like she was lacking in some way because of her inexperience, Jyn felt anything but as she was urged all the closer still (there wasn't much closer she could get) and kissed over and over and over again until she was breathless and almost mindless as she restlessly rocked her hips against his, her fingers drifting, exploring the expanse of his back.
Despite that restlessness, she felt that if things didn't go any further than this, she'd be perfectly content. Hazy and unfocused, she held what little breath her body contained as she waited for Cassian to speak ... but he never did. After the third time, she took it upon herself to speak instead, her voice soft and low -
"I love you, you know."
Honestly and truly, and with everything that she was, more than she ever thought she could care about another person, more than she ever thought she would find in her life, despite all the reasons that the pair of them shouldn't be together.
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Usually he had exceptional control… but right now…
(He had so much experience, in so many ways… But not… He'd always wondered what it might be like because he wanted to, with someone he actually liked…)
…he only half-succeeded. Not full rigidity imposing itself, demanding of her… but his body still showed a definite effect.
And a distinct throb accentuated that process, at her voice. What she said.
He pulled back his head, neck arching to do so without separating their bodies; just enough so his eyes could find hers, as his hand found her cheek.
"I love you," he said, quiet and low, back. "By the Force. Jyn… Very much."
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But she was comfortable. She was enjoying every second of this, committing it all to memory, every touch, every kiss, every gasp or groan ... the way his body reacted to hers, not insistent, not pressuring in any way, just enough to show that he was affected as much as she was.
And that throb coaxed a soft moan from her lips as she met his eyes, accepted the gentle touch. "Where you go, I go, okay?"
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Both. Obviously. Don't second-guess. It was both.
"Okay," he whispered back, voice too hoarse for anything louder.
…He dared to try something. Go just a little further.
He bent his face to her again, but this time to her neck. And started kissing her there, along the column of her throat, the gentle curve from ear to clavicle, his lips and tongue working gently on her flesh, flexing tendons and pulse—to monitor her reactions, yes, but not because he mistrusted, now. Because he wanted them to be good. And wanted to learn what would make them so, for her.
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Jyn couldn't imagine being left behind after everything. She couldn't imagine going on with her life the way it was before Cassian had come into it, no matter the circumstances that had brought them together.
But also ...
Jyn didn't think that she wanted to pull back now, either. She wanted Cassian, without a shadow of a doubt, but perhaps more importantly, she trusted him. So when he turned his kisses to her throat, she welcomed him, instinctually canting her head to the side in order to offer him all the room he could ever need in order to continue the path of those kisses, a heavy sigh escaping her lips, her fingers trembling as she carded them through his hair, unconsciously urging more.
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Deeper into her desire she spiraled with every exploratory kiss, every deliberate touch, but even so, she found herself laughing breathlessly as she found herself on her back with him above, still intent upon tasting what little skin she had exposed.
But from this position, she was more able to touch Cassian, too, to explore his arms and sides with gentle fingertips, to trail them along the line of his collarbone, too, and finally down the planes of his chest, the flush of her cheeks darkening as she did.
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Her exploration of him made him pause again; not in his kisses but in his downward trajectory. He liked her taking her own initiative. He didn't want to distract or discourage. So he changed direction, kissing along her shoulder, down her arm, to the inside of her wrist; a mark of approval on her hands' behavior and leaving himself as open to her as she'd made herself to him.
If that was even necessary, when his skin delicately shivered in her fingers' wake.
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All the better was that he allowed her to do it, and how easily he changed paths to allow her more access, and in the moment, all she could feel was grateful to even have the chance to do this and experience it with him.
Jyn didn't know how sensitive her inner arms were until she experienced Cassian pressing a line of kisses down the length of one, and she shivered in response. Deciding to take a risk, she quietly asked - "Will you help me with my shirt?"
Off. She wanted it off. She wanted to experience the pleasure of skin-to-skin contact with the man that she loved.
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He sat back to be able to run his hands, gently, waterlike, under the hem of her shirt, along her body; and push it up, off of her.
They freed her fully. He slung the shirt over the headboard without his eyes ever leaving hers.
He didn't just duck in, again, and go exploring where she'd bared. Instead, he stayed sitting back, his chest and torso as open to her as she'd made hers to him. (Waiting for her, by words or hands, to guide him next.) But lightly, maybe tentatively, he ran his fingertips down the center of her, from breastbone to navel, and over to her ribs.
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