Jyn didn't make a move to pull away, either, even though she felt overwrought by emotions that she was wholly unused to. For the moment, she felt perfectly content to remain tangled up with Cassian for as long as possible before it was absolutely necessary to get up to attend to duties and responsibilities that could not wait.
But here, now, connected in every way possible, she could enjoy the moment, enjoy it and revel in it and commit it to memory.
Slowly, she caught her breath, just as she slowly came back to herself a little at a time. It helped that Cassian was right there with her, quiet, but keeping her anchored to the moment.
And then Cassian spoke, breaking the silence of the room, and Jyn's heart ached for him. He'd spoken about it before, when he'd opened up about past traumas and admitted that he didn't think that he was good enough for her, but still, it hurt to hear it again, to know that he'd lived so long without the pleasure of another like this - even though she'd experienced so many years in a similar position.
"You don't have to do anything with me that you don't want to", she started, pausing to take a breath, remembering their first time off-world, the circumstances surrounding it. "Ever."
He felt another flood of feeling at that: he loved her. He pressed his lips ardently, gratefully, to her cheek. Then murmured with eyes still closed, "I know. Thank you.
"I'm not worried about that with you. With you, I'm worried about wanting too much."
It was important enough to repeat as many times as Cassian needed to hear it - he was safe with her, and his wants and needs were never going to be ignored.
Jyn didn't know what was wrong with wanting - she wanted Cassian all the time, wanted so much with him, even though she could hardly say that those wants would come to pass. She wanted a future together, a life, she wanted -
"What do you want, Cassian? Why does it worry you?"
"Because…" What could go without saying because they both understood…?
…No, no, that was the old life… even if she understood, maybe because she did, make himself say it.
"…I've never been able to afford needing anyone. Because no one ever stays. Because I don't know what's too much to put on another person. Because I want to be a… friend, a… lover… to you, not an addict. Because you're not just here for my benefit. Because… I know you're fully capable of fending me off if I crossed a line, but I never want you to have to.
"And I know… I shouldn't worry about any of this. Because you understand and what's been true before doesn't mean it's true now. Because you're you, not anyone else. It's just… hard to shake some things. You know?"
She gave him the time and space to gather his thoughts and find the right words to express them. She certainly didn't want to forceunderstood each and every one of them with a startling, painful clarity.
She felt the same way.
"I know", she murmured, her voice soft, but her brow furrowed, a tiny worry knot forming into existence. "I'm scared, too."
She sighed, ducking her head in order to take a breath, lifting her eyes to meet his once again, hopeful that all the love she held in her little body was plain to see in her eyes, the small smile lifting her lips up just so.
"I can't ... predict the amount of time we'll have together, Cassian, but I want to believe that we'll be able to put our fears to rest. I don't - I don't really know what it is to be in love with another person, to - to really be with them, but I know that I want to be with you."
Jyn knew. She trusted Cassian and believed that they were so much better together. Things might not ever be perfect - but then, when had either of their lives been anything resembling perfect - but as she had told him before, as she would undoubtedly reassure themselves again, maybe they could be something good for each other.
Emotion rose in his chest again… he smiled, arched his neck in to press a gentle kiss to her lips, then rested his head beside hers, held her close against him, and matched his breathing to hers. Thinking there probably wasn't enough time to justify falling asleep again… and not caring. For a mindblowing change, he was enjoying the present moment and not worrying about what came next.
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But here, now, connected in every way possible, she could enjoy the moment, enjoy it and revel in it and commit it to memory.
Slowly, she caught her breath, just as she slowly came back to herself a little at a time. It helped that Cassian was right there with her, quiet, but keeping her anchored to the moment.
And then Cassian spoke, breaking the silence of the room, and Jyn's heart ached for him. He'd spoken about it before, when he'd opened up about past traumas and admitted that he didn't think that he was good enough for her, but still, it hurt to hear it again, to know that he'd lived so long without the pleasure of another like this - even though she'd experienced so many years in a similar position.
"You don't have to do anything with me that you don't want to", she started, pausing to take a breath, remembering their first time off-world, the circumstances surrounding it. "Ever."
no subject
"I'm not worried about that with you. With you, I'm worried about wanting too much."
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Jyn didn't know what was wrong with wanting - she wanted Cassian all the time, wanted so much with him, even though she could hardly say that those wants would come to pass. She wanted a future together, a life, she wanted -
"What do you want, Cassian? Why does it worry you?"
no subject
…No, no, that was the old life… even if she understood, maybe because she did, make himself say it.
"…I've never been able to afford needing anyone. Because no one ever stays. Because I don't know what's too much to put on another person. Because I want to be a… friend, a… lover… to you, not an addict. Because you're not just here for my benefit. Because… I know you're fully capable of fending me off if I crossed a line, but I never want you to have to.
"And I know… I shouldn't worry about any of this. Because you understand and what's been true before doesn't mean it's true now. Because you're you, not anyone else. It's just… hard to shake some things. You know?"
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She felt the same way.
"I know", she murmured, her voice soft, but her brow furrowed, a tiny worry knot forming into existence. "I'm scared, too."
She sighed, ducking her head in order to take a breath, lifting her eyes to meet his once again, hopeful that all the love she held in her little body was plain to see in her eyes, the small smile lifting her lips up just so.
"I can't ... predict the amount of time we'll have together, Cassian, but I want to believe that we'll be able to put our fears to rest. I don't - I don't really know what it is to be in love with another person, to - to really be with them, but I know that I want to be with you."
"All the way, remember?"
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"All the way," he repeated, smoothing back her hair, and smiling. Agreeing.
holy broken coding batman! in my defense, i was really very tired last night
"Okay", she whispered, nodding gently, "Okay."
Aww! No worries!