He looked up as she entered. His eyes swept her hair, and the barest start of a smile flickered on his lips, but it wasn't quite enough to ease the tension on the rest of his face. He looked… guilty. As she approached, he reached out, hesitated, then finished the gesture, reaching for her hand.
"There's so much I should have told you before…" He shook his head, tortured by inability to articulate. "You might not have chosen to… let me… with you… if you knew about… everything."
Well. That was good enough sign to Jyn that it wasn't her that Cassian was regretting. She couldn't begin to say just what the crux of the problem was - and didn't think that she was very good at offering comfort, or trying to ease the pain that he was clearly in, but as her fingers curled around his, she decided that there was no way that she wasn't going to try.
"I'm listening now. Or - if you can't talk about it now, I'll listen when you can."
He ducked his head, kissed her hand where he had it between both of his, rested his forehead there for a long moment.
"I'm so weak," he muttered. "I just want to fall asleep with you."
He shut his eyes again. And kept them closed as he began to pour it out.
How he was a liar, and not just in the ways Jyn had already figured out. Using sex as a tool of espionage—with all the likely things he'd been a carrier for, though nothing the Alliance (with Organa's patronage) couldn't cure and his last three med checks were clean. His marks were always enthusiastically willing but he knew he was lying, violating them.
How he'd lost his virginity when older agents played Sabacc for it, and all of them, including the one who'd won him, were now dead.
Assassinations, since he was a child crawling into and depositing grit into the workings of a Republic war machine. The cold distance of some of them, shooting through the eye from a distance; to the unthinkable intimacy of others, like Tivik who'd started their own mission.
In short… how he could never deserve the pleasure and comfort Jyn had given him, and he must somehow be tainting her by allowing himself to take of it. Without her having known just who she was letting inside her.
He finished and forced himself to release her hand, digging his fingers instead into his hair.
"This isn't how I imagined... any of this," he said hoarsely.
Carefully, she sat at his side, only shaking her head and offering an equally soft - "It's not weak, I want that, too" in the moment before he found enough composure to speak out loud all the ghosts that he was being haunted by.
Silently, she sat and listened, and allowed him to clutch her hand tightly when the memories seemed too much to bear. Her heart ached for him, and her blood boiled for him, and although she could have easily imagined the types of things that he had been doing for the majority of the years that he had been alive, to hear all the ugly details almost made her want to weep.
The guilt and shame emanating from him was almost unbearable, and to know that he lived with it every day ...
"I know who you are, and I know what you've done, and none of that is going to make me run. I still feel the same, Cassian, that isn't going to change." She offered, her voice steady. "Do you think that I haven't done terrible things, too?"
"You came back for me when you didn't have to", she murmured, holding him tight. "You saved my life. You gave me a home."
And then, against his ear, she whispered all the things that she had never told anyone else, had never wanted to remember, but that she would never be able to forget.
That more than one had tried to take of her what she wasn't offering - that they all met their ends by means of knife or blaster, all at the hands of a girl who was either wild and screaming or silently icy.
That the first that she had let in - to her heart, to her body had died in front of her eyes, blown to bits, and she had decided that she would never let anyone that close ever again, not when the loss made her want to lay down and die, too.
That in order to survive, she had done disgusting deeds with detestable people to ensure that she would live to see the next day, to jump from one planet to the next, for credits, and she had to convince herself every time, that this was normal, that there was no reason for her to feel so sick afterwards.
And she admitted to feeling a great sense of relief when her med check came back blessedly clean, because she was never sure that the back alley doctors she had visited actually did what they said they were doing, that they gave her reliable implants, that the treatments they gave her were legitimate, that they actually helped her rather than gouged her for credits.
She had lied, cheated, and stolen, too. She had killed. She felt as broken as a person could possibly feel, but ... her battered heart loved him nonetheless. She wasn't sure that she deserved his love in return, but that he was giving it to her was the sort of miracle she thought she would never experience.
She admitted, her voice trembling, that this was the first time that she had ever had sex as herself - as Jyn - rather than any of the alter egos she had taken on over the years. And she didn't regret that choice, she didn't regret Cassian, and she didn't regret what they had done.
"And I love you, Cassian. I love you, alright? So please, please don't ever doubt that - please just love me in return."
His arms around her never faltered once; if anything they tightened as she gave her own confession or cleansing. Until she reached the end, and he ran a hand over her braid and kissed the side of her face and whispered back, "I love you. Jyn Erso. I've never loved anyone the way I love you."
By the end, she was grateful for the way he held her steady when she felt so weak. Her eyes shut tight, her grip on him not lessening, she murmured - "Despite all of that, don't you think we deserve something good? I want you to be my something good."
Cassian wasn't sure what he deserved. He was fairly sure it wasn't 'something good'. He may have earned himself a good death—a better one, thanks to Jyn, than he ever could have hoped for on his own. But it hadn't happened.
But he was sure that Jyn deserved some goodness. After everything that had been stolen from her and all she'd been forced into. (Not occurring to him that the same could be said of himself.) He might not categorize himself always as 'something good', but for her, he could be. And he wasn't going to deny her what she wanted.
He tightened his arms around her, feeling their heartbeats against one another in their chests, and kissed her. "I'm yours," he murmured again. "Since I met you I've been yours."
No. But they had both had such a particularly (and spectacularly) rough go of things that maybe it was about time that they could find a bright spot in the middle of it all.
Because if everything always felt so dire, then what was the point? Cassian had been the one to tell her, after all, that rebellions were built on hope. Couldn't they find hope in each other, too?
Cassian might not see the good in himself, but Jyn did. Maybe one day, if they were granted the time, he would see himself the same way that she did. He wasn't only the things that he had done, and he was deserving of some happiness. She wasn't sure that she knew how to provide, but she would learn.
She took solace in the embrace, quietly took comfort in it, and hoped that Cassian was doing the same. She returned the kiss, although there was no need to hurry it along - it was soft, and slow, and more a reassurance than anything else.
"And I'm yours. Only ever yours."
Time jump perhaps? One being woken by a nightmare? Something else?
They melted together into the kiss, then Cassian pushed the pillow to make sure it was as much under her head as his own before folding her back into his arms. He laid back his head and closed his eyes.
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"There's so much I should have told you before…" He shook his head, tortured by inability to articulate. "You might not have chosen to… let me… with you… if you knew about… everything."
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"I'm listening now. Or - if you can't talk about it now, I'll listen when you can."
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"I'm so weak," he muttered. "I just want to fall asleep with you."
He shut his eyes again. And kept them closed as he began to pour it out.
How he was a liar, and not just in the ways Jyn had already figured out. Using sex as a tool of espionage—with all the likely things he'd been a carrier for, though nothing the Alliance (with Organa's patronage) couldn't cure and his last three med checks were clean. His marks were always enthusiastically willing but he knew he was lying, violating them.
How he'd lost his virginity when older agents played Sabacc for it, and all of them, including the one who'd won him, were now dead.
Assassinations, since he was a child crawling into and depositing grit into the workings of a Republic war machine. The cold distance of some of them, shooting through the eye from a distance; to the unthinkable intimacy of others, like Tivik who'd started their own mission.
In short… how he could never deserve the pleasure and comfort Jyn had given him, and he must somehow be tainting her by allowing himself to take of it. Without her having known just who she was letting inside her.
He finished and forced himself to release her hand, digging his fingers instead into his hair.
"This isn't how I imagined... any of this," he said hoarsely.
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Silently, she sat and listened, and allowed him to clutch her hand tightly when the memories seemed too much to bear. Her heart ached for him, and her blood boiled for him, and although she could have easily imagined the types of things that he had been doing for the majority of the years that he had been alive, to hear all the ugly details almost made her want to weep.
The guilt and shame emanating from him was almost unbearable, and to know that he lived with it every day ...
"I know who you are, and I know what you've done, and none of that is going to make me run. I still feel the same, Cassian, that isn't going to change." She offered, her voice steady. "Do you think that I haven't done terrible things, too?"
no subject
"I've seen you do wonderful things, too," he said softly.
no subject
And then, against his ear, she whispered all the things that she had never told anyone else, had never wanted to remember, but that she would never be able to forget.
That more than one had tried to take of her what she wasn't offering - that they all met their ends by means of knife or blaster, all at the hands of a girl who was either wild and screaming or silently icy.
That the first that she had let in - to her heart, to her body had died in front of her eyes, blown to bits, and she had decided that she would never let anyone that close ever again, not when the loss made her want to lay down and die, too.
That in order to survive, she had done disgusting deeds with detestable people to ensure that she would live to see the next day, to jump from one planet to the next, for credits, and she had to convince herself every time, that this was normal, that there was no reason for her to feel so sick afterwards.
And she admitted to feeling a great sense of relief when her med check came back blessedly clean, because she was never sure that the back alley doctors she had visited actually did what they said they were doing, that they gave her reliable implants, that the treatments they gave her were legitimate, that they actually helped her rather than gouged her for credits.
She had lied, cheated, and stolen, too. She had killed. She felt as broken as a person could possibly feel, but ... her battered heart loved him nonetheless. She wasn't sure that she deserved his love in return, but that he was giving it to her was the sort of miracle she thought she would never experience.
She admitted, her voice trembling, that this was the first time that she had ever had sex as herself - as Jyn - rather than any of the alter egos she had taken on over the years. And she didn't regret that choice, she didn't regret Cassian, and she didn't regret what they had done.
"And I love you, Cassian. I love you, alright? So please, please don't ever doubt that - please just love me in return."
The rest, they would figure out.
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Cassian wasn't sure what he deserved. He was fairly sure it wasn't 'something good'. He may have earned himself a good death—a better one, thanks to Jyn, than he ever could have hoped for on his own. But it hadn't happened.
But he was sure that Jyn deserved some goodness. After everything that had been stolen from her and all she'd been forced into. (Not occurring to him that the same could be said of himself.) He might not categorize himself always as 'something good', but for her, he could be. And he wasn't going to deny her what she wanted.
He tightened his arms around her, feeling their heartbeats against one another in their chests, and kissed her. "I'm yours," he murmured again. "Since I met you I've been yours."
no subject
Because if everything always felt so dire, then what was the point? Cassian had been the one to tell her, after all, that rebellions were built on hope. Couldn't they find hope in each other, too?
Cassian might not see the good in himself, but Jyn did. Maybe one day, if they were granted the time, he would see himself the same way that she did. He wasn't only the things that he had done, and he was deserving of some happiness. She wasn't sure that she knew how to provide, but she would learn.
She took solace in the embrace, quietly took comfort in it, and hoped that Cassian was doing the same. She returned the kiss, although there was no need to hurry it along - it was soft, and slow, and more a reassurance than anything else.
"And I'm yours. Only ever yours."
Time jump perhaps? One being woken by a nightmare? Something else?