If only they could see it… that they were both holding back because they were both worried about violating the other. (Wonder what K-2SO could observe and say…?)
Cassian moved past Jyn, the shape of the room bringing them closely into one another's orbits. It was after he'd deposited his clothing in the chute that he remembered and turned again to face her—only a subtle expression of surprise when he found how close they still were.
"…Living room and kitchen are clean, by the way. Haven't done in here yet."
To the unsuspecting: would sound like housework. Between themselves: free of surveillance.
Jyn hoped they'd find steadier footing - that they would have the time in which to do so. But after all the admissions they'd shared with each other during the past hours, maybe it made sense that everything now felt so uncertain and tenuous. She didn't know where she stood anymore, whether or not what she wanted wouldn't somehow cross any unspoken boundaries.
Her attention focused on Cassian once he'd neared her again, finally reaching out to touch hesitant fingertips to his shoulder, momentarily frozen until he spoke and she nodded her understanding. "Could do it together, get it done quicker."
The sooner they figured out whether they were safe to talk in their own apartment, the better. Jyn didn't want to believe that there were any bugs monitoring them, but she could put nothing past the man she had always called her uncle.
What's the opposite of tensing at contact? Cassian didn't melt at her touch, no real apparent movement; but, on maybe a molecular level, he leaned in to her, and seemed to stand on the planet with less effort.
"Good idea," he said. The faintest curl of lip: "Divide and conquer."
A little awkward to do so in nothing but his skivvies, but again, given what he'd put Jyn through earlier, only fair. (Even knowing she would reject the idea that he owed it to her.) Anyway, he'd finish in the 'fresher, then clean up.
On instinct, he grabbed his datapad and set some music to play. (Not his first time having to cater to 'Sward's' taste, but they were so much narrower than Cassian's… no nonhuman musicians or banned genres. Hard to go wrong with an aubade, however the wrong time of day.) It would cover any non-tidying sounds he or Jyn made, and be plausible for them to make the 'chore' more pleasant.
He started, as he had in the other rooms, with the light fixtures and outlets.
All Jyn knew was that Cassian accepted the touch, that he didn't pull away, and for a moment, everything felt far less uncertain. Unfortunately, it ended as quickly as it had begun, and the search for listening devices continued.
She probably knew deep down that he was attempting to atone for his ... exercise in caution in the park, but Jyn wouldn't have demanded it of him, didn't think it was necessary in order to place them on more equal ground.
So she didn't look. She started her search in the fresher, where she could still hear the music as she carefully pored over every inch of the room, every lightswitch and outlet, every drawer, even in the shower itself.
She came up empty-handed and returned to the bedroom, where she was sure that eventually, they'd meet in the middle. So far, nothing. That had to bode well, right?
"I think one of Argi's toys rolled under the bed. We'll have to make sure to look for it", she offered, not in the slightest referring to actual toys. It seemed the most plausible place for a bug, at least in the bedroom. Who got under the bed often, or ever at all?
Cassian had finished the lights, outlets, ceiling and walls. Likelihood of surveillance from something they'd brought into the apartment themselves decreased, but still not to be taken on faith.
At her veiled suggestion, Cassian nodded; but rather than try to fit himself under the bed, he grabbed the frame to shift it all aside. (Slight as he was, he was clearly stronger than he looked.) He joined her in scouring the wall, the floor, then returning to lift up the mattress so they could check its underside and frame.
Better safe than sorry. And although neither had said anything particularly incriminating during the time they'd spent inside the apartment, now there was definitely good reason to ensure that no one was listening in.
She was certainly surprised when he moved the frame when she had already resigned herself to being the one to go underneath. She was littler, after all.
The wall, all clear, and the floor, too. The mattress, still in almost perfect condition. Jyn thought the frame was going to yield nothing, either, but as she ran her fingers along the headboard - in the middle of where their pillows laid, she found something.
Her hand stilled, and she gestured for Cassian to take a look, just in case she had been mistaken and what she had touched wasn't a monitoring device.
LMK if I should break this into multiple tags!! Wanna leave room for Jyn to react, but overeager…
Both froze. He met her gaze silently. Behind his eyes, gears whirred visibly.
Course of action least likely to result in someone breaking in while they were out and the device simply being replaced: find a way to silence it without damaging it, selectively bring it out and perform scripts for it to maintain deniability. Argument against: if discovered, which was usually inevitable on such deceptively challenging ploys, there was absolutely no way to pass it off as anything but deliberate deception. Which was worse.
Course of action most likely to result in someone breaking in et cetera: destroy it without another word.
Cassian's lips compressed as he continued thinking, looking into Jyn's (stardust) eyes. It would be nice to discuss this with her first… but he wanted this gone, and they tended to be on the same page when it came to such action.
"I think I see it… fell between the… Move that pillow?" He shoved some fabric over the device—then took it between two fingers.
"Hey, Jyn," he said, deliberately scraping the bug against the wall. "Is Argi's toy supposed to look like a Takari 3-K5 Electrobug?"
…Ha. He'd said to her not an hour ago: I rely mainly on truth.
Practically snapping his fingers around it, Cassian flipped the device up to hold to his mouth like a commlink. "Vanto, is this you? Our bedroom? You're sick, man. Just sick."
Smoothly, Cassian eased out from between the bed and wall, and, keeping eye contact with Jyn, made his way to the 'fresher. "Listen, dweezer, I'll let this one go, but if you're answering to anyone lower than an Admiral… I don't think Grendreef will appreciate anyone tapping his business. You get me?"
Reaching the 'fresher, he stoppered the sink and opened the tap.
"Either way: bill me in the morning."
He dropped the bug into the water. It fizzled noisily, and went dark.
Jyn was glad that Cassian was there to take control of the situation. In all honesty, she probably wouldn't have spent the time to try to figure out her best course of action. She probably would have destroyed it without a second thought and brought more trouble her way.
She still trusted Cassian, so there was no doubt in her eyes when his gaze met hers - whatever he decided to do, she ultimately agreed with. She just wanted the offending little bug gone so that could, for all intents and purposes, speak freely within the walls of their own home.
Or ... at least as freely as either of them felt safe enough to.
"No - ", she answered, her voice innocently curious. "Oh, stars, what did you find?"
And then Cassian took it upon himself to speak into the little bug, making damn sure that whoever was listening knew without a shadow of a doubt that it had been found and was going to be dealt with.
She followed along, her brow furrowed in her worry, until they were both standing in the 'fresher once more, still speaking as they went. One last veiled threat, and then he dropped it into the water where it's life came to an end.
Still, she didn't feel safe enough to say much at all, She was going to have to follow Cassian's lead on that, just in case.
Cassian wouldn't expect Jyn or anyone else outside SpecForce to perform that precise sequence of procedures. If everyone could do what he'd been exhaustively trained to… forget about him being out of a job: It would be such a(n even) worse universe. Her techniques seemed more scientific and military.
Speaking of her techniques… Her quickness on the uptake and smoothness in backing his move… gave him a thrill a bit like when he'd watched her fight in that alleyway. Her adeptness was… strangely exciting… and the fact that he was on her team…truly so, now… not his to take credit for but still, a kind of pride.
He dropped the bug, and they stood a moment longer on opposite sides of the sink. Her continued silence made him nod as if she'd spoken.
"Ugh," he groaned, naturally and loudly; "guess now we gotta see if the doshing vac-head's left more presents for us. I'm tired… Whatcha think: just the bedroom? The rest can wait?"
(The rest, of course, was finished, and what remained they could now search openly.)
They had different skills, different ways of thinking. Maybe that's why in this situation, they worked so well together, she was able to discern what he wanted to do, and how she needed to react. She hoped the act would be enough to deter any listeners from planting new listening devices, but she couldn't be sure that they wouldn't find others.
And after this, she knew that she and Cassian would have to make these sweeps a regular occurrence. Because if it was Krennic behind it, she knew he wouldn't stop just because he'd been caught at it once. The next one would be hidden better.
"Thanks for ruining our day off", she offered, scoffing accordingly. Then, a little softer: "Let's just go to bed. Everything else can wait."
A smile overtook him. He reached out and gently touched her cheek, thumb tracing it. His eyes warm and grateful. He hadn't been sure he'd ever be offered that most life-altering invitation again.
"I'll shower quick," he murmured back. "Then join you."
Jyn not only accepted the gentle little touch - she actively leaned into it and found herself lamenting the end of the moment as it came far too soon for her liking. But she had meant it when she had said it, and she was so grateful that Cassian wanted it as much as she herself did.
"Alright", she agreed, nodding slightly. "I'll just fix everything up and wait."
They both kept leaning in every time the other touched them.
Was it following a cue or giving in and betraying his resolve if he took that to mean he should…?
There was only so much thinking he could do. Exactly the reason he'd never allowed himself to get close to anything like this before: he couldn't figure out the situation completely solo when there was another person so intrinsically involved. When he cared intensely what they wanted.
(Don't think about how many times he'd had to function by turning such caring off.)
…That cooled his jets to allow him to actually follow through on that quick shower. Almost too much to allow him to get himself back to her side and into her bed.
But again: not all up to him. And at l(e)ast, now, she had some idea what was real, who he was, to actually be choosing.
He reemerged from the 'fresher, wet hair towel-tousled, towel itself around narrow waist, scarred torso glistening in the low light.
For a bit, he just stayed in the doorway, gazing at her. Those crinkles around, such warmth inside, his focused eyes.
Maybe he was an idiot. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he shouldn't trust this. Maybe he should have resigned long ago to prevent being a traitor because he wanted this too much to doubt or resist. But he hadn't imagined he'd ever actually have it.
And right now, he was going to allow himself—whether he was really choosing to or not, whatever later agony it might be inviting—to believe it. He did.
He instinctively started toward the bed, had even taken the hem of blanket in his hand to lift and slide in beside her, before remembering he was still only wearing the towel. He set the blanket gently back down so he could go pull on some pants.
Maybe it was inevitable, the way they were both being pulled into each other's orbit. Maybe there was no fighting gravity. Maybe Jyn didn't want to have to fight anymore. And while she wasn't going to push for anything that Cassian didn't want, she was content enough to think that they could still have - at the very least - sleeping all wrapped up in each other's arms.
Because she had gone one night without it, and she knew that nothing would ever feel as comforting and reassuring. And she thought that maybe Cassian might feel the same.
Jyn tried not to question the hows or whys or what ifs as she fixed the bed properly. Those were thoughts for later. All she wanted to concentrate on was now. It had been such an exhausting day - physically and emotionally - and all she wanted was to find some rest together before the morning came and they would have to return to their daily duties ... and figuring out what to do and where to go next in their secretive lives.
With a sigh, she slipped underneath the covers and waited. She heard a toy jingling faintly from the living space and knew that Argi would be able to amuse himself for the time being. And then Cassian emerged from the 'fresher, but made no move to join her just yet, seemingly content enough to stand in the doorway clad in only that towel, and watch her.
In any other situation, that would've been disconcerting. But she thought the warmth of his eyes radiated out to lick at her, and for once, Jyn didn't mind being observed so closely. She said nothing as he finally stepped toward the bed, her cheeks flushing as she watched the approach, breathing out a soft chuckle as Cassian stopped, realized what he was wearing, or the lack thereof, and switched gears in order to put something else on.
And Jyn averted her eyes. She didn't want to steal a look if it wasn't an invitation that Cassian was offering.
He kept his back to her—which, among people like them, was perhaps the greatest sign of trust—as he shed the towel and quickly replaced it with sleeping pants.
For the first time, he didn't bother with a shirt.
He returned to her side, and finally slipped under the sheets beside her.
He didn't simply grab her. (For better or worse: he would never. Never presume consent just because it had been granted before.)
Instead, like alerting her to his presence (though of course her other senses would have done so already), his hand came up to trace a line on her face and brush a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Jyn closed her eyes and waited. As always, she felt like she wouldn't be able to find much rest if Cassian wasn't by her side.
She decidedly did not concentrate on the knowledge that she had married an alter ego and not Cassian himself. And did she truly know him or did she know the version that he wanted her to see, the version best suited for the mission that he was on?
Her brow furrowed, and she shut her eyes all the harder and tried to will away thoughts that she didn't want to indulge in at that particular moment in time.
Or ever.
She opened her eyes as she felt the mattress dip, and greeted Cassian with a small smile once he was lying down, slowly inching her way closer even as he touched her face and swept her loose hair away from her face. Jyn wanted this to return to their normal, but still felt so hesitant, almost shy as she almost whispered -
Jyn's heart stuttered in her chest. She hadn't been thinking along those lines - rather, she had meant could she touch the skin that Cassian had bared to her, to explore the scars that he had trusted her to see.
But -
It would be a lie to say that she didn't want ...
Slightly trembling fingers brushed against his shoulder as she recalled a previous conversation, her voice just as quiet and intent as his had been.
"Nothing that we don't want. What do you want, Cassian?"
Not because she found anything funny in Cassian's words - but the opposite, in fact. If he was looking for her to lead him ... it would probably end up a total disaster.
Whatever they were on the precipice of, she had no experience with whatsoever, didn't know the first thing about intimacy other than what they were sharing with each other. And sex? Well, she wasn't completely naive, she knew how it worked ... n theory.
But leading him? It felt like a responsibility that she wasn't the least bit prepared for.
"... I don't know the first thing about how any of this is supposed to work. I'm afraid that you'll be disappointed with me if I make a wrong move."
Perhaps most importantly, the gentle touch kept her steady when she had nearly felt like spiraling apart. She sighed gratefully and rested a little more intently into the touch.
"I don't want to be cruel to you", she murmured, finally finding enough presence of mind to lift a hand and rest it ever so lightly against his. "I just want so much that I don't know where to begin."
After a moment, her lips lifted into the hint of a smile, her eyes softened, and she asked - "Will you kiss me?"
Time enough to see the curve of a smile transform his face; before, with care but without hesitation—framed by their joined hands on her cheek—he closed those last millimetres between them and did so.
Time enough to get a sense of how beautiful that smile could be - unbidden and unburdened. If Jyn was hesitant, it was only internally, and only because of her inexperience, not because she was unsure of her request nor her desire to kiss Cassian.
But for all her worry about not knowing what to do, when their lips finally touched, all she did was take a gasping little breath - the noise muffled, of course - she relaxed into it, against Cassian all the further.
His lips paused, parted, for her to breathe; and when she softened into them, they followed suit—moving on and with and inside hers, but gently, always.
Under her hand, his knuckles rippled like a wave, seeming to massage her palm on purpose, as his fingers flexed and reached a little to slip under her hairline. They stroked and cradled the back of her head, equalizing in back what was happening in front.
And in the rest of "in front"—his other hand slipped between her waist and the mattress, curving around it, holding her, another soft pressure. And it brought their bodies right together, so their hearts beat against each other.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Cassian moved past Jyn, the shape of the room bringing them closely into one another's orbits. It was after he'd deposited his clothing in the chute that he remembered and turned again to face her—only a subtle expression of surprise when he found how close they still were.
"…Living room and kitchen are clean, by the way. Haven't done in here yet."
To the unsuspecting: would sound like housework. Between themselves: free of surveillance.
no subject
Her attention focused on Cassian once he'd neared her again, finally reaching out to touch hesitant fingertips to his shoulder, momentarily frozen until he spoke and she nodded her understanding. "Could do it together, get it done quicker."
The sooner they figured out whether they were safe to talk in their own apartment, the better. Jyn didn't want to believe that there were any bugs monitoring them, but she could put nothing past the man she had always called her uncle.
no subject
"Good idea," he said. The faintest curl of lip: "Divide and conquer."
A little awkward to do so in nothing but his skivvies, but again, given what he'd put Jyn through earlier, only fair. (Even knowing she would reject the idea that he owed it to her.) Anyway, he'd finish in the 'fresher, then clean up.
On instinct, he grabbed his datapad and set some music to play. (Not his first time having to cater to 'Sward's' taste, but they were so much narrower than Cassian's… no nonhuman musicians or banned genres. Hard to go wrong with an aubade, however the wrong time of day.) It would cover any non-tidying sounds he or Jyn made, and be plausible for them to make the 'chore' more pleasant.
He started, as he had in the other rooms, with the light fixtures and outlets.
no subject
She probably knew deep down that he was attempting to atone for his ... exercise in caution in the park, but Jyn wouldn't have demanded it of him, didn't think it was necessary in order to place them on more equal ground.
So she didn't look. She started her search in the fresher, where she could still hear the music as she carefully pored over every inch of the room, every lightswitch and outlet, every drawer, even in the shower itself.
She came up empty-handed and returned to the bedroom, where she was sure that eventually, they'd meet in the middle. So far, nothing. That had to bode well, right?
"I think one of Argi's toys rolled under the bed. We'll have to make sure to look for it", she offered, not in the slightest referring to actual toys. It seemed the most plausible place for a bug, at least in the bedroom. Who got under the bed often, or ever at all?
no subject
At her veiled suggestion, Cassian nodded; but rather than try to fit himself under the bed, he grabbed the frame to shift it all aside. (Slight as he was, he was clearly stronger than he looked.) He joined her in scouring the wall, the floor, then returning to lift up the mattress so they could check its underside and frame.
no subject
She was certainly surprised when he moved the frame when she had already resigned herself to being the one to go underneath. She was littler, after all.
The wall, all clear, and the floor, too. The mattress, still in almost perfect condition. Jyn thought the frame was going to yield nothing, either, but as she ran her fingers along the headboard - in the middle of where their pillows laid, she found something.
Her hand stilled, and she gestured for Cassian to take a look, just in case she had been mistaken and what she had touched wasn't a monitoring device.
LMK if I should break this into multiple tags!! Wanna leave room for Jyn to react, but overeager…
Both froze. He met her gaze silently. Behind his eyes, gears whirred visibly.
Course of action least likely to result in someone breaking in while they were out and the device simply being replaced: find a way to silence it without damaging it, selectively bring it out and perform scripts for it to maintain deniability. Argument against: if discovered, which was usually inevitable on such deceptively challenging ploys, there was absolutely no way to pass it off as anything but deliberate deception. Which was worse.
Course of action most likely to result in someone breaking in et cetera: destroy it without another word.
Cassian's lips compressed as he continued thinking, looking into Jyn's (stardust) eyes. It would be nice to discuss this with her first… but he wanted this gone, and they tended to be on the same page when it came to such action.
"I think I see it… fell between the… Move that pillow?" He shoved some fabric over the device—then took it between two fingers.
"Hey, Jyn," he said, deliberately scraping the bug against the wall. "Is Argi's toy supposed to look like a Takari 3-K5 Electrobug?"
…Ha. He'd said to her not an hour ago: I rely mainly on truth.
Practically snapping his fingers around it, Cassian flipped the device up to hold to his mouth like a commlink. "Vanto, is this you? Our bedroom? You're sick, man. Just sick."
Smoothly, Cassian eased out from between the bed and wall, and, keeping eye contact with Jyn, made his way to the 'fresher. "Listen, dweezer, I'll let this one go, but if you're answering to anyone lower than an Admiral… I don't think Grendreef will appreciate anyone tapping his business. You get me?"
Reaching the 'fresher, he stoppered the sink and opened the tap.
"Either way: bill me in the morning."
He dropped the bug into the water. It fizzled noisily, and went dark.
Haha, no worries, it's more than fine :0D
She still trusted Cassian, so there was no doubt in her eyes when his gaze met hers - whatever he decided to do, she ultimately agreed with. She just wanted the offending little bug gone so that could, for all intents and purposes, speak freely within the walls of their own home.
Or ... at least as freely as either of them felt safe enough to.
"No - ", she answered, her voice innocently curious. "Oh, stars, what did you find?"
And then Cassian took it upon himself to speak into the little bug, making damn sure that whoever was listening knew without a shadow of a doubt that it had been found and was going to be dealt with.
She followed along, her brow furrowed in her worry, until they were both standing in the 'fresher once more, still speaking as they went. One last veiled threat, and then he dropped it into the water where it's life came to an end.
Still, she didn't feel safe enough to say much at all, She was going to have to follow Cassian's lead on that, just in case.
Yay! Thank you; you indulge me so nicely >^•^<
Speaking of her techniques… Her quickness on the uptake and smoothness in backing his move… gave him a thrill a bit like when he'd watched her fight in that alleyway. Her adeptness was… strangely exciting… and the fact that he was on her team… truly so, now… not his to take credit for but still, a kind of pride.
He dropped the bug, and they stood a moment longer on opposite sides of the sink. Her continued silence made him nod as if she'd spoken.
"Ugh," he groaned, naturally and loudly; "guess now we gotta see if the doshing vac-head's left more presents for us. I'm tired… Whatcha think: just the bedroom? The rest can wait?"
(The rest, of course, was finished, and what remained they could now search openly.)
And happily so!
And after this, she knew that she and Cassian would have to make these sweeps a regular occurrence. Because if it was Krennic behind it, she knew he wouldn't stop just because he'd been caught at it once. The next one would be hidden better.
"Thanks for ruining our day off", she offered, scoffing accordingly. Then, a little softer: "Let's just go to bed. Everything else can wait."
/feels and sends much love ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
"I'll shower quick," he murmured back. "Then join you."
<3 <3 <3
"Alright", she agreed, nodding slightly. "I'll just fix everything up and wait."
no subject
Was it following a cue or giving in and betraying his resolve if he took that to mean he should…?
There was only so much thinking he could do. Exactly the reason he'd never allowed himself to get close to anything like this before: he couldn't figure out the situation completely solo when there was another person so intrinsically involved. When he cared intensely what they wanted.
(Don't think about how many times he'd had to function by turning such caring off.)
…That cooled his jets to allow him to actually follow through on that quick shower. Almost too much to allow him to get himself back to her side and into her bed.
But again: not all up to him. And at l(e)ast, now, she had some idea what was real, who he was, to actually be choosing.
He reemerged from the 'fresher, wet hair towel-tousled, towel itself around narrow waist, scarred torso glistening in the low light.
For a bit, he just stayed in the doorway, gazing at her. Those crinkles around, such warmth inside, his focused eyes.
Maybe he was an idiot. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he shouldn't trust this. Maybe he should have resigned long ago to prevent being a traitor because he wanted this too much to doubt or resist. But he hadn't imagined he'd ever actually have it.
And right now, he was going to allow himself—whether he was really choosing to or not, whatever later agony it might be inviting—to believe it. He did.
He instinctively started toward the bed, had even taken the hem of blanket in his hand to lift and slide in beside her, before remembering he was still only wearing the towel. He set the blanket gently back down so he could go pull on some pants.
no subject
Because she had gone one night without it, and she knew that nothing would ever feel as comforting and reassuring. And she thought that maybe Cassian might feel the same.
Jyn tried not to question the hows or whys or what ifs as she fixed the bed properly. Those were thoughts for later. All she wanted to concentrate on was now. It had been such an exhausting day - physically and emotionally - and all she wanted was to find some rest together before the morning came and they would have to return to their daily duties ... and figuring out what to do and where to go next in their secretive lives.
With a sigh, she slipped underneath the covers and waited. She heard a toy jingling faintly from the living space and knew that Argi would be able to amuse himself for the time being. And then Cassian emerged from the 'fresher, but made no move to join her just yet, seemingly content enough to stand in the doorway clad in only that towel, and watch her.
In any other situation, that would've been disconcerting. But she thought the warmth of his eyes radiated out to lick at her, and for once, Jyn didn't mind being observed so closely. She said nothing as he finally stepped toward the bed, her cheeks flushing as she watched the approach, breathing out a soft chuckle as Cassian stopped, realized what he was wearing, or the lack thereof, and switched gears in order to put something else on.
And Jyn averted her eyes. She didn't want to steal a look if it wasn't an invitation that Cassian was offering.
no subject
For the first time, he didn't bother with a shirt.
He returned to her side, and finally slipped under the sheets beside her.
He didn't simply grab her. (For better or worse: he would never. Never presume consent just because it had been granted before.)
Instead, like alerting her to his presence (though of course her other senses would have done so already), his hand came up to trace a line on her face and brush a strand of her hair behind her ear.
no subject
She decidedly did not concentrate on the knowledge that she had married an alter ego and not Cassian himself. And did she truly know him or did she know the version that he wanted her to see, the version best suited for the mission that he was on?
Her brow furrowed, and she shut her eyes all the harder and tried to will away thoughts that she didn't want to indulge in at that particular moment in time.
Or ever.
She opened her eyes as she felt the mattress dip, and greeted Cassian with a small smile once he was lying down, slowly inching her way closer even as he touched her face and swept her loose hair away from her face. Jyn wanted this to return to their normal, but still felt so hesitant, almost shy as she almost whispered -
"Can I touch you?"
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"You know," he said at last; very, very low. "The lines I said I couldn't cross… That was because I couldn't bear it while you didn't know.
"You know now."
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But -
It would be a lie to say that she didn't want ...
Slightly trembling fingers brushed against his shoulder as she recalled a previous conversation, her voice just as quiet and intent as his had been.
"Nothing that we don't want. What do you want, Cassian?"
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…
…
It was meant to be a straightforward question.
But all he could say at last was:
"To trust it.
"I'll never trust it if it comes first from me."
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Not because she found anything funny in Cassian's words - but the opposite, in fact. If he was looking for her to lead him ... it would probably end up a total disaster.
Whatever they were on the precipice of, she had no experience with whatsoever, didn't know the first thing about intimacy other than what they were sharing with each other. And sex? Well, she wasn't completely naive, she knew how it worked ... n theory.
But leading him? It felt like a responsibility that she wasn't the least bit prepared for.
"... I don't know the first thing about how any of this is supposed to work. I'm afraid that you'll be disappointed with me if I make a wrong move."
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"There's no 'supposed to'. It's only 'wrong' if it's cruel. As long as you're really in it together, both wanting to be, it works.
"I meant. You don't have to hold back. I'll just wait for you to ask. We don't have to go further either.
"The answer's yes."
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"I don't want to be cruel to you", she murmured, finally finding enough presence of mind to lift a hand and rest it ever so lightly against his. "I just want so much that I don't know where to begin."
After a moment, her lips lifted into the hint of a smile, her eyes softened, and she asked - "Will you kiss me?"
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But for all her worry about not knowing what to do, when their lips finally touched, all she did was take a gasping little breath - the noise muffled, of course - she relaxed into it, against Cassian all the further.
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Under her hand, his knuckles rippled like a wave, seeming to massage her palm on purpose, as his fingers flexed and reached a little to slip under her hairline. They stroked and cradled the back of her head, equalizing in back what was happening in front.
And in the rest of "in front"—his other hand slipped between her waist and the mattress, curving around it, holding her, another soft pressure. And it brought their bodies right together, so their hearts beat against each other.
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