In the quiet, when they were alone, there was a softness in his voice when he said her name that was almost unbearable to hear. Jyn had never imagined it possible that anyone could care for her as much as Cassian did.
She wanted to be worthy of that adoration, she wanted to feel like she deserved, somehow, the trust he placed in her, the love he shared with her.
Like she had told Cassian before, in a galaxy full of bad, she wanted nothing more than to be something good for him.
This was good, she hazily thought, meeting his gaze and allowing him to see, unobscured, her pleasure, every ounce of the same adoration he felt for her, the same love, hoping that he could see it and believe it and let it wash over him the same way waves of satisfaction were about to wash over her ...
He caught her lips in a kiss, and she gasped sharply as she returned in, and it hardly took more than a matter of moments before her vision went dark and she was engulfed by white-hot heat as it radiated out from her core.
She contracted around him, causing him to arch back in near-overwhelmed ecstasy, muscles rippling in and against her. He gasped something out in a language other than Basic, with a final thrust against and into her. Then infrastructure folded, and he sank down upon and beside her, fitting to her like bedclothes, turning his face on the pillow to avoid suffocating—and to face hers.
He made no move to slip out of her. But throbbed out and rode her contractions through. Then made no movement except his chest heaving with breath and pulse, and his hand coming quietly up to gently grasp her shoulder, his arm tender and almost protective across her chest.
Jyn had enough presence of mind to try and observe Cassian as he fell - and, oh, he fell so beautifully. And even through her hazy vision, she tried to commit every moment of it to memory before giving in, screwing her eyes shut, holding on as tightly as she could manage, her heart pounding in rhythm against her ribs.
She was grateful for his arms around her as she shuddered rested heavily against their thin pillows, their almost too-small bunk, happy just to be close in the early morning stillness, and as she struggled to catch her breath, she let her trembling fingers dance across the warm skin of his shoulder.
If she could ask him to stay like this, she would, but Jyn knew all too well that duty was not going to wait. For now, though, in the moment, they could revel in their tiny world.
Post-orgasm, he felt hypersensitive and overstimulated, but still stayed where he was in her. Staying connected felt more important than any physical sensation. Any separation from her was unacceptable. Universe-allowing, for the rest of his life.
Okay, there, holovidguy, he thought wryly. But he didn't really care. This felt like nothing ever had in his life. And he knew better than to lose it out of fear of losing it.
He shouldn't speak; the thing rising in his chest wasn't good pillow talk, could be selfish in making things about himself, turning this into a confession… but he was also determined never again to lie to her, and holding back felt like a kind of lying… and… connection… honesty…
Still working to catch his breath, he murmured, "That's the first time I've ever done that because I wanted to."
Jyn didn't make a move to pull away, either, even though she felt overwrought by emotions that she was wholly unused to. For the moment, she felt perfectly content to remain tangled up with Cassian for as long as possible before it was absolutely necessary to get up to attend to duties and responsibilities that could not wait.
But here, now, connected in every way possible, she could enjoy the moment, enjoy it and revel in it and commit it to memory.
Slowly, she caught her breath, just as she slowly came back to herself a little at a time. It helped that Cassian was right there with her, quiet, but keeping her anchored to the moment.
And then Cassian spoke, breaking the silence of the room, and Jyn's heart ached for him. He'd spoken about it before, when he'd opened up about past traumas and admitted that he didn't think that he was good enough for her, but still, it hurt to hear it again, to know that he'd lived so long without the pleasure of another like this - even though she'd experienced so many years in a similar position.
"You don't have to do anything with me that you don't want to", she started, pausing to take a breath, remembering their first time off-world, the circumstances surrounding it. "Ever."
He felt another flood of feeling at that: he loved her. He pressed his lips ardently, gratefully, to her cheek. Then murmured with eyes still closed, "I know. Thank you.
"I'm not worried about that with you. With you, I'm worried about wanting too much."
It was important enough to repeat as many times as Cassian needed to hear it - he was safe with her, and his wants and needs were never going to be ignored.
Jyn didn't know what was wrong with wanting - she wanted Cassian all the time, wanted so much with him, even though she could hardly say that those wants would come to pass. She wanted a future together, a life, she wanted -
"What do you want, Cassian? Why does it worry you?"
"Because…" What could go without saying because they both understood…?
…No, no, that was the old life… even if she understood, maybe because she did, make himself say it.
"…I've never been able to afford needing anyone. Because no one ever stays. Because I don't know what's too much to put on another person. Because I want to be a… friend, a… lover… to you, not an addict. Because you're not just here for my benefit. Because… I know you're fully capable of fending me off if I crossed a line, but I never want you to have to.
"And I know… I shouldn't worry about any of this. Because you understand and what's been true before doesn't mean it's true now. Because you're you, not anyone else. It's just… hard to shake some things. You know?"
She gave him the time and space to gather his thoughts and find the right words to express them. She certainly didn't want to forceunderstood each and every one of them with a startling, painful clarity.
She felt the same way.
"I know", she murmured, her voice soft, but her brow furrowed, a tiny worry knot forming into existence. "I'm scared, too."
She sighed, ducking her head in order to take a breath, lifting her eyes to meet his once again, hopeful that all the love she held in her little body was plain to see in her eyes, the small smile lifting her lips up just so.
"I can't ... predict the amount of time we'll have together, Cassian, but I want to believe that we'll be able to put our fears to rest. I don't - I don't really know what it is to be in love with another person, to - to really be with them, but I know that I want to be with you."
Jyn knew. She trusted Cassian and believed that they were so much better together. Things might not ever be perfect - but then, when had either of their lives been anything resembling perfect - but as she had told him before, as she would undoubtedly reassure themselves again, maybe they could be something good for each other.
Emotion rose in his chest again… he smiled, arched his neck in to press a gentle kiss to her lips, then rested his head beside hers, held her close against him, and matched his breathing to hers. Thinking there probably wasn't enough time to justify falling asleep again… and not caring. For a mindblowing change, he was enjoying the present moment and not worrying about what came next.
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no subject
She wanted to be worthy of that adoration, she wanted to feel like she deserved, somehow, the trust he placed in her, the love he shared with her.
Like she had told Cassian before, in a galaxy full of bad, she wanted nothing more than to be something good for him.
This was good, she hazily thought, meeting his gaze and allowing him to see, unobscured, her pleasure, every ounce of the same adoration he felt for her, the same love, hoping that he could see it and believe it and let it wash over him the same way waves of satisfaction were about to wash over her ...
He caught her lips in a kiss, and she gasped sharply as she returned in, and it hardly took more than a matter of moments before her vision went dark and she was engulfed by white-hot heat as it radiated out from her core.
no subject
He made no move to slip out of her. But throbbed out and rode her contractions through. Then made no movement except his chest heaving with breath and pulse, and his hand coming quietly up to gently grasp her shoulder, his arm tender and almost protective across her chest.
no subject
She was grateful for his arms around her as she shuddered rested heavily against their thin pillows, their almost too-small bunk, happy just to be close in the early morning stillness, and as she struggled to catch her breath, she let her trembling fingers dance across the warm skin of his shoulder.
If she could ask him to stay like this, she would, but Jyn knew all too well that duty was not going to wait. For now, though, in the moment, they could revel in their tiny world.
no subject
Okay, there, holovidguy, he thought wryly. But he didn't really care. This felt like nothing ever had in his life. And he knew better than to lose it out of fear of losing it.
He shouldn't speak; the thing rising in his chest wasn't good pillow talk, could be selfish in making things about himself, turning this into a confession… but he was also determined never again to lie to her, and holding back felt like a kind of lying… and… connection… honesty…
Still working to catch his breath, he murmured, "That's the first time I've ever done that because I wanted to."
no subject
But here, now, connected in every way possible, she could enjoy the moment, enjoy it and revel in it and commit it to memory.
Slowly, she caught her breath, just as she slowly came back to herself a little at a time. It helped that Cassian was right there with her, quiet, but keeping her anchored to the moment.
And then Cassian spoke, breaking the silence of the room, and Jyn's heart ached for him. He'd spoken about it before, when he'd opened up about past traumas and admitted that he didn't think that he was good enough for her, but still, it hurt to hear it again, to know that he'd lived so long without the pleasure of another like this - even though she'd experienced so many years in a similar position.
"You don't have to do anything with me that you don't want to", she started, pausing to take a breath, remembering their first time off-world, the circumstances surrounding it. "Ever."
no subject
"I'm not worried about that with you. With you, I'm worried about wanting too much."
no subject
Jyn didn't know what was wrong with wanting - she wanted Cassian all the time, wanted so much with him, even though she could hardly say that those wants would come to pass. She wanted a future together, a life, she wanted -
"What do you want, Cassian? Why does it worry you?"
no subject
…No, no, that was the old life… even if she understood, maybe because she did, make himself say it.
"…I've never been able to afford needing anyone. Because no one ever stays. Because I don't know what's too much to put on another person. Because I want to be a… friend, a… lover… to you, not an addict. Because you're not just here for my benefit. Because… I know you're fully capable of fending me off if I crossed a line, but I never want you to have to.
"And I know… I shouldn't worry about any of this. Because you understand and what's been true before doesn't mean it's true now. Because you're you, not anyone else. It's just… hard to shake some things. You know?"
no subject
She felt the same way.
"I know", she murmured, her voice soft, but her brow furrowed, a tiny worry knot forming into existence. "I'm scared, too."
She sighed, ducking her head in order to take a breath, lifting her eyes to meet his once again, hopeful that all the love she held in her little body was plain to see in her eyes, the small smile lifting her lips up just so.
"I can't ... predict the amount of time we'll have together, Cassian, but I want to believe that we'll be able to put our fears to rest. I don't - I don't really know what it is to be in love with another person, to - to really be with them, but I know that I want to be with you."
"All the way, remember?"
no subject
"All the way," he repeated, smoothing back her hair, and smiling. Agreeing.
holy broken coding batman! in my defense, i was really very tired last night
"Okay", she whispered, nodding gently, "Okay."
Aww! No worries!