This was not the conversation that Jyn wanted to have while she and Cassian were in this position, just on the verge ...
But then, if not now, what, feeling awkward and unsure at a moment when she should be feeling anything but? Still, she accepted the kisses, and her heart dropped to see Cassian so confused, and she swallowed hard as she lifted her hands and brushed gentle touches to his shoulders, along the lengths of his arms.
Why was it so hard to speak and risk ruining the moment completely?
"I assumed that this was ... not just sex. I had ... hoped ... that it might be more?"
But after hearing the 'I didn't mean ... ' as the first thing to leave Cassian's mouth ... Jyn wasn't very sure at all anymore.
Jyn closed her eyes momentarily, and when she opened them again, they were a little watery, but still bright, regardless. Now she lifted her hands, placed her palms gently against his cheeks, holding steady.
Minutely, so as not to displace her hands, he nodded.
"I've never put anyone or anything ahead of a mission in my whole life. I put you ahead of the mission three times. I'm yours, Jyn," he said quietly. "If you don't want me around, I won't be. But wherever I am, I'll still be yours."
Jyn took a small, sharp breath, closing her eyes and breaching what little distance there was between them in order to gently press her forehead to Cassian's, just trying to find some sense of composure when it felt like her heart was beating like crazy.
"You believed in me when nobody else did. You risked your life for me when you didn't have to", she started, barely louder than a breath. "I don't know where I would be if not for you, and I - I do want you around. I want you by my side, and I want you to be there for as long as I can have you."
He closed his eyes and pressed back into her: foreheads, pounding hearts, breathing chests. Not lower—he kept that held back. That wasn't part of this; not a requirement, not an expectation, not anything. Good if they wanted it. Unnecessary if not.
"Jyn Erso," he murmured. "I promise to be there as long as I can."
Jyn knew that she couldn't ask for anything more. Forever wasn't a concept that she could afford to believe in when the galaxy that the lived in was so dangerous and uncertain, for them moreso than most.
"I promise to be there as long as I can" was as close as they could get.
"For as long as I can, Cassian", she breathed. "I can give you that."
They had the same relationship with—understanding of—the universe. They knew better than to talk of 'forever'. But as I can meant more from Cassian, he hoped, than others; he could quite a bit.
And she returned it… and he had to remember how to breathe.
And then kiss her again.
And then leave their faces gently touching to exhale a laugh. "I never thought… I'd have… this… with anyone. I never… meant to. You saved me."
Welcome home, he had said, and maybe she was. Maybe a home didn't have to be a place ... maybe it could be a person, and maybe - maybe she had found hers.
She found her breath, and eagerly returned the kiss, and huffed out a breathless laugh as well, because how could she ever have thought anything else ...
"Me too, Cassian, me too", she answered, her fingers gentle as they traced along his jawline. "But here we are."
And, she hoped, on the verge of something very good. And after everything, wasn't that long overdue?
The edges of his mouth twitched upward in a smile, as if drawn by her touch. He turned his face just enough to kiss her fingers.
Then moved inward, to kiss her neck.
Then paused again, his breath shallow in her ear.
"Will you tell me what to do, now?" he breathed. "I… need to be sure I'm not… pressuring you, or…" It was a conversation they'd have to have—or perhaps a confession he'd have to make—later. Right now, he'd rather make love to her, or hold her while they spoke, or fall asleep together. Any of the above.
The kiss to her fingertips tickled a bit, and Jyn breathed out a soft laugh in return in the moment before Cassian turned his attention to kissing her throat, and she found herself shivering gently as his warm breath blew across the shell of her ear again and again.
She wasn't expecting Cassian to ask for guidance, and the truth was that she didn't really know the most logical path to take after everything. Conversation would definitely need to be had at some point, but she didn't know if she was emotionally ready to undertake them just quite yet. Sleep was probably their best option, considering the adrenaline and worry of the day, and maybe she was selfish to consider anything otherwise, but -
"You are not pressuring me. I'm with you because I want to be. I - I don't want to stop if you don't. I want you, Cassian, but I can wait if you'd rather not ... right now."
He must have known that she wouldn't have continued if she felt the least bit uncomfortable or unsure. That was why she had asked the question that had stopped them in their tracks - to be certain that she hadn't mistread and misconstrued the situation completely.
It only lasted a moment, but there was a joy in Cassian's laugh that she wanted to hear again and again. But Jyn concentrated on each kiss that he gifted her with instead, the way he leaned in closer, breaching the distance between them, the skin-to-skin contact more than enough to coax a soft, low moan from Jyn's throat, a shiver to wrack her body from head to foot.
Cassian was her partner - her person - and Jyn trusted him implicitly. "I do", she murmured, the hands cupping his face dropping to his shoulders, slipping down to trail along the center of his chest until she rested her fingertips just above his heart. "I trust you."
She was still wet and wanting and willing, and although she bit her bottom lip, there was no fear in her eyes when she met his, no uncertainty or doubt.
Every shiver in her reverberated back through him. He wanted to make her feel everything good and wonderful that was in his power; she deserved every joy in the universe, and if he could be a part of any of it…
Please—his vision nearly went black with passion at the word. But he wouldn't allow an instant of this to be anything less than fully present, fully aware, fully chosen. They'd been made into such violent creatures. But violence was going to come nowhere near this. Even before that very important clarification: all he wanted to be to her was loving.
In fact he may have whispered, "I love you…" As with lips, hands, skin and eyes all intent upon her for any sign of pain — he moved inside.
Could he have any idea that Jyn wanted the same exact things - ? And she thought she knew Cassian well enough by now to know that he would argue that he wasn't deserving of anything good, but ... he did. He had been through so much trauma, done so much in service of the cause that was clearly still weighing heavily on his shoulders, and ...
Jyn wanted to give Cassian something good. She wanted to be something good for him - even though she, too, did not think herself particularly good.
But all she could think as he pressed forward and whispered words that took her breath away completely was how much she loved him in return. Despite a little twinge as he carefully began filling her, Jyn was feeling no pain. His name on her lips, her hands scrambled to pull him a little closer, hold him a little tighter.
Panting for breath, for a moment he lay motionless, every inch of his skin pressed to hers, his head beside hers turned to her, one hand gently grasping her shoulder, the other tangled in her hair; chests breathing together, hearts thudding in time.
At last, he raised his shoulders and pulled back his head enough to look in her eyes again. For the first time in years, he wasn't sure what his face was doing. But fine: let her see him artless, genuine, even if he looked like an idiot—which he probably did, staring, drinking her in. He was… trembling… no, vibrating, at how amazing it felt in her… physically yes, muscles and tissues and nerves, but mainly because it was Jyn; Jyn with him, around him…
He couldn't gather enough voice even to ask Okay? so just raised an eyebrow.
Now, they were connected in a brand-new way, and Jyn needed a moment to try to catch her breath, grateful when it seemed that Cassian needed exactly the same. She blinked rapidly, her trembling fingers clutching at his back, as if to keep herself anchored in the moment, with Cassian.
She gasped as he pulled away, just enough to give them both the space and opportunity to take each other in, to check and make sure that all was still well. He didn't look like an idiot - far from it. He looked like he was as overwhelmed as Jyn felt. He looked younger than she had ever seen him. He looked concerned. And he was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.
There were no words to be found, but she hoped her answering nod was as good an indication as any that she was fine, that she was feeling no pain, that she very much wanted to continue, to discover what this could be.
It was impossible to keep from reaching out and tracing the outline of Cassian's smile with a trembling fingertip. It was perhaps the loveliest thing Jyn had ever had the pleasure of experiencing.
And to know that she, somehow, was the cause of it ... her heart swelled with affection, adoration ... more.
She huffed out a soft breath, the sound shifting and changing, morphing into a surprised moan once he began moving, because this, oh, this must be what all those holos had been about.
He kissed her finger when it came near enough, reflexively throwing the focus back on her rather than himself. But he wouldn't fight or resist her or play games—if she insisted on focusing on him, he'd just deal with it.
But he would focus entirely on her… and for the first time, he was glad of his raven training, not to manipulate or trick a partner, but to make outcome match intent and desire; make it as good as he could for her with less error and uncertainty. Although no amount of technique took the place of true familiarity; he was intent on her not just to give sensation but to learn.
And oh that moan was enthralling to hear… He wanted to make her make more of those.
He began a kissing exploration of her throat and chest, attentive to what affected her the most; as below he set a gentle rhythm of waves, crest and trough, always upward, moving himself along her frontal wall.
Thinking so technically was also to keep himself from finishing too quickly, because Force she felt amazing… she was amazing… Jyn Erso, little galaxy of wiretaut strings… Cassian didn't need Chirrut's Force sensitivity to know exactly why he'd said She shines…
It was that sweet little gesture that took Jyn's breath away completely - not that she had much to give. She had never imagined that such a small sign of affection could make her feel so much, but her heart had never felt so full, she had only ever felt so hopeful once before -
Because of Cassian.
She might not have known much about the art of intimacy or the acts of sex and love, but in the moment, she was certain that she wanted to learn. She wanted to worship Cassian in the same ways he was worshiping her. She wanted to take pleasure in bringing him pleasure, and she wanted to luxuriate in all the sounds and shivers she could coax from him.
She wanted so much - and she wanted it with him.
Instinctually, Jyn tilted her chin up, allowing Cassian all the access he could ever need in order to continue plying her with kisses, her pulse pounding in her ears and in her throat as he moved, slow and steady, and she followed the demands of her body, moving in time, like a dance, like a fight, and she knew that she had found her partner, her person in Cassian.
Her headtilt up, giving him her throat—an act of willing vulnerability as well as confirmation—made his heart (and other parts) pulse even harder. And he devoted himself to her pulse, there; flexing tendons, breaths, swallows, stray drifting hair… he'd always had to be detail-oriented, but he'd never felt so captivated, so fascinated, so…
She was moving with him… so in sync, as every time they'd circled each other, run and fought and taken hands… a movement of her muscles had him toss his head back for air, and to let a tremble run through him, his own pulse visible in his throat.
Jyn trusted Cassian. Despite her initial wariness, she had learned to trust him - that he wasn't going to hurt her, that he had her back, that he would be there, and now -
Now, she was trusting him with the most delicate piece of herself - her heart - which she had steadfastly and fiercely kept guarded from more loss, more heartache, more pain.
It was his name that she gasped as she watched him give in and let go a little, letting his head fall back as he searched for air, her fingers clutching at his shoulders a little tighter as he trembled much the same as she did as he moved with her - within her and made her see stars.
"Cassian - !", she gasped, her heart pounding in her chest, thundering in her ears.
A quick look to confirm that she wasn't calling his name to make him stop… it didn't sound like it but he wanted too badly to trust his own interpretations…
So don't interpret. Just trust her
…and his hand was shaking as it touched her face once more and he found the voice somehow to breathe back: "My Jyn…"
Oh Force… It felt like so much more of him was inside her… being warmed and gripped and released and… his whole lower half heated and liquefied and orgastic… he scooped deeper in with her, simultaneously desperate for relief and wanting this to go on forever… Force there… yes… her around him, upon him, beneath and through and with…
His hands found her back and he clasped her against him, his face buried in her hair, the dance of their lower bodies speeding, and the last of his composure dissolving with a groan… I need… I… unh… yes, Jyn…
There would have been no question whatsoever if Jyn had wanted to stop. She didn't want it to stop, though, she wanted it to last forever, she wanted to get lost in sensations she hadn't known were possible.
She had enough presence of mind to turn her head just enough so that she could kiss at the rough pads of his fingers, her heart pounding all the harder to hear Cassian call her his -
Because she was. Oh, she was, everything she was, body and soul, her heart, the good and bad and in-betweens, she was and had been and wanted to be for as long as she could manage, and she had never wanted anything like this before, but with Cassian, she wanted ... a future. And while she could hardly guarantee that they would be granted one, she would take whatever she could get.
Cassian gathered her all the closer, and she held on tight, the swirl of emotion and sensation all too much to handle. But he was there, he was her anchor and she trusted that he'd catch her when she fell.
Unconsciously, her fingers dug into his shoulders for purchase, unable to speak, her breathless moans coming too quickly and fiercely to allow for it. But she moved in time with him, wanting to experience Cassian as he fell, wantig to help him through it all.
I'm going to - , she thought, and then her world went black.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But then, if not now, what, feeling awkward and unsure at a moment when she should be feeling anything but? Still, she accepted the kisses, and her heart dropped to see Cassian so confused, and she swallowed hard as she lifted her hands and brushed gentle touches to his shoulders, along the lengths of his arms.
Why was it so hard to speak and risk ruining the moment completely?
"I assumed that this was ... not just sex. I had ... hoped ... that it might be more?"
But after hearing the 'I didn't mean ... ' as the first thing to leave Cassian's mouth ... Jyn wasn't very sure at all anymore.
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"You want that with me?"
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"I've never put anyone or anything ahead of a mission in my whole life. I put you ahead of the mission three times. I'm yours, Jyn," he said quietly. "If you don't want me around, I won't be. But wherever I am, I'll still be yours."
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"You believed in me when nobody else did. You risked your life for me when you didn't have to", she started, barely louder than a breath. "I don't know where I would be if not for you, and I - I do want you around. I want you by my side, and I want you to be there for as long as I can have you."
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"Jyn Erso," he murmured. "I promise to be there as long as I can."
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"I promise to be there as long as I can" was as close as they could get.
"For as long as I can, Cassian", she breathed. "I can give you that."
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And she returned it… and he had to remember how to breathe.
And then kiss her again.
And then leave their faces gently touching to exhale a laugh. "I never thought… I'd have… this… with anyone. I never… meant to. You saved me."
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She found her breath, and eagerly returned the kiss, and huffed out a breathless laugh as well, because how could she ever have thought anything else ...
"Me too, Cassian, me too", she answered, her fingers gentle as they traced along his jawline. "But here we are."
And, she hoped, on the verge of something very good. And after everything, wasn't that long overdue?
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Then moved inward, to kiss her neck.
Then paused again, his breath shallow in her ear.
"Will you tell me what to do, now?" he breathed. "I… need to be sure I'm not… pressuring you, or…" It was a conversation they'd have to have—or perhaps a confession he'd have to make—later. Right now, he'd rather make love to her, or hold her while they spoke, or fall asleep together. Any of the above.
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She wasn't expecting Cassian to ask for guidance, and the truth was that she didn't really know the most logical path to take after everything. Conversation would definitely need to be had at some point, but she didn't know if she was emotionally ready to undertake them just quite yet. Sleep was probably their best option, considering the adrenaline and worry of the day, and maybe she was selfish to consider anything otherwise, but -
"You are not pressuring me. I'm with you because I want to be. I - I don't want to stop if you don't. I want you, Cassian, but I can wait if you'd rather not ... right now."
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"I don't want to stop… I want you so much I don't trust myself… but I trust you."
Then reached his hand down between them to gently touch her—confirming—then moved himself where they needed him.
Paused before the final push for one more confirming look into her eyes.
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It only lasted a moment, but there was a joy in Cassian's laugh that she wanted to hear again and again. But Jyn concentrated on each kiss that he gifted her with instead, the way he leaned in closer, breaching the distance between them, the skin-to-skin contact more than enough to coax a soft, low moan from Jyn's throat, a shiver to wrack her body from head to foot.
Cassian was her partner - her person - and Jyn trusted him implicitly. "I do", she murmured, the hands cupping his face dropping to his shoulders, slipping down to trail along the center of his chest until she rested her fingertips just above his heart. "I trust you."
She was still wet and wanting and willing, and although she bit her bottom lip, there was no fear in her eyes when she met his, no uncertainty or doubt.
"Please - "
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Please—his vision nearly went black with passion at the word. But he wouldn't allow an instant of this to be anything less than fully present, fully aware, fully chosen. They'd been made into such violent creatures. But violence was going to come nowhere near this. Even before that very important clarification: all he wanted to be to her was loving.
In fact he may have whispered, "I love you…" As with lips, hands, skin and eyes all intent upon her for any sign of pain — he moved inside.
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Jyn wanted to give Cassian something good. She wanted to be something good for him - even though she, too, did not think herself particularly good.
But all she could think as he pressed forward and whispered words that took her breath away completely was how much she loved him in return. Despite a little twinge as he carefully began filling her, Jyn was feeling no pain. His name on her lips, her hands scrambled to pull him a little closer, hold him a little tighter.
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Panting for breath, for a moment he lay motionless, every inch of his skin pressed to hers, his head beside hers turned to her, one hand gently grasping her shoulder, the other tangled in her hair; chests breathing together, hearts thudding in time.
At last, he raised his shoulders and pulled back his head enough to look in her eyes again. For the first time in years, he wasn't sure what his face was doing. But fine: let her see him artless, genuine, even if he looked like an idiot—which he probably did, staring, drinking her in. He was… trembling… no, vibrating, at how amazing it felt in her… physically yes, muscles and tissues and nerves, but mainly because it was Jyn; Jyn with him, around him…
He couldn't gather enough voice even to ask Okay? so just raised an eyebrow.
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Now, they were connected in a brand-new way, and Jyn needed a moment to try to catch her breath, grateful when it seemed that Cassian needed exactly the same. She blinked rapidly, her trembling fingers clutching at his back, as if to keep herself anchored in the moment, with Cassian.
She gasped as he pulled away, just enough to give them both the space and opportunity to take each other in, to check and make sure that all was still well. He didn't look like an idiot - far from it. He looked like he was as overwhelmed as Jyn felt. He looked younger than she had ever seen him. He looked concerned. And he was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.
There were no words to be found, but she hoped her answering nod was as good an indication as any that she was fine, that she was feeling no pain, that she very much wanted to continue, to discover what this could be.
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In that moment, he could swear he felt the Force itself flowing through both of them.
He brushed her hair back from her forehead, intent and worshipful; and not breaking eye contact for a moment, began to move.
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And to know that she, somehow, was the cause of it ... her heart swelled with affection, adoration ... more.
She huffed out a soft breath, the sound shifting and changing, morphing into a surprised moan once he began moving, because this, oh, this must be what all those holos had been about.
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But he would focus entirely on her… and for the first time, he was glad of his raven training, not to manipulate or trick a partner, but to make outcome match intent and desire; make it as good as he could for her with less error and uncertainty. Although no amount of technique took the place of true familiarity; he was intent on her not just to give sensation but to learn.
And oh that moan was enthralling to hear… He wanted to make her make more of those.
He began a kissing exploration of her throat and chest, attentive to what affected her the most; as below he set a gentle rhythm of waves, crest and trough, always upward, moving himself along her frontal wall.
Thinking so technically was also to keep himself from finishing too quickly, because Force she felt amazing… she was amazing… Jyn Erso, little galaxy of wiretaut strings… Cassian didn't need Chirrut's Force sensitivity to know exactly why he'd said She shines…
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Because of Cassian.
She might not have known much about the art of intimacy or the acts of sex and love, but in the moment, she was certain that she wanted to learn. She wanted to worship Cassian in the same ways he was worshiping her. She wanted to take pleasure in bringing him pleasure, and she wanted to luxuriate in all the sounds and shivers she could coax from him.
She wanted so much - and she wanted it with him.
Instinctually, Jyn tilted her chin up, allowing Cassian all the access he could ever need in order to continue plying her with kisses, her pulse pounding in her ears and in her throat as he moved, slow and steady, and she followed the demands of her body, moving in time, like a dance, like a fight, and she knew that she had found her partner, her person in Cassian.
Welcome home, welcome home, welcome home.
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She was moving with him… so in sync, as every time they'd circled each other, run and fought and taken hands… a movement of her muscles had him toss his head back for air, and to let a tremble run through him, his own pulse visible in his throat.
yes I'm yours
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Now, she was trusting him with the most delicate piece of herself - her heart - which she had steadfastly and fiercely kept guarded from more loss, more heartache, more pain.
It was his name that she gasped as she watched him give in and let go a little, letting his head fall back as he searched for air, her fingers clutching at his shoulders a little tighter as he trembled much the same as she did as he moved with her - within her and made her see stars.
"Cassian - !", she gasped, her heart pounding in her chest, thundering in her ears.
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou...
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So don't interpret. Just trust her
…and his hand was shaking as it touched her face once more and he found the voice somehow to breathe back: "My Jyn…"
Oh Force… It felt like so much more of him was inside her… being warmed and gripped and released and… his whole lower half heated and liquefied and orgastic… he scooped deeper in with her, simultaneously desperate for relief and wanting this to go on forever… Force there… yes… her around him, upon him, beneath and through and with…
His hands found her back and he clasped her against him, his face buried in her hair, the dance of their lower bodies speeding, and the last of his composure dissolving with a groan… I need… I… unh… yes, Jyn…
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She had enough presence of mind to turn her head just enough so that she could kiss at the rough pads of his fingers, her heart pounding all the harder to hear Cassian call her his -
Because she was. Oh, she was, everything she was, body and soul, her heart, the good and bad and in-betweens, she was and had been and wanted to be for as long as she could manage, and she had never wanted anything like this before, but with Cassian, she wanted ... a future. And while she could hardly guarantee that they would be granted one, she would take whatever she could get.
Cassian gathered her all the closer, and she held on tight, the swirl of emotion and sensation all too much to handle. But he was there, he was her anchor and she trusted that he'd catch her when she fell.
Unconsciously, her fingers dug into his shoulders for purchase, unable to speak, her breathless moans coming too quickly and fiercely to allow for it. But she moved in time with him, wanting to experience Cassian as he fell, wantig to help him through it all.
I'm going to - , she thought, and then her world went black.
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