He had to figure out how to say this. How to do it carefully. How to be honest without…
"Following you let me go where I'd always wanted to go. Before, just for myself, I never could.
"Maybe what's right for me is what's also right for you.
"Because…"
It was surprisingly easy to word the next things. Even when he'd never let himself think about them. They were simply true.
"…I'm not good to myself. Not kind. Not trusting. Not forgiving. I don't think I deserve anything. I think what I did in war should banish me from peace. I think I should be dead. What's 'right' for me, as far as I'll ever judge, isn't what you'd say. Isn't what Kay would say. Isn't even what Mothma and Draven would.
"But you. I know what I want for you. What I think you deserve, whether you agree or not. And… if there's any way, any reason, I should approach, be able to find, any of that too… it wouldn't be on my own. Just for myself."
He was wincing by the end. Not particularly because he was revealing unexpected information about himself. More because… he was afraid he'd done exactly what he didn't want to. Make himself her problem. Her responsibility. Her burden.
Not… a partner. Who didn't want her to have to carry him there, but wanted to help her get there, herself. If she remotely needed or wanted him to.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2019-12-21 05:29 am (UTC)"What if I want it to be about you?"
He had to figure out how to say this. How to do it carefully. How to be honest without…
"Following you let me go where I'd always wanted to go. Before, just for myself, I never could.
"Maybe what's right for me is what's also right for you.
"Because…"
It was surprisingly easy to word the next things. Even when he'd never let himself think about them. They were simply true.
"…I'm not good to myself. Not kind. Not trusting. Not forgiving. I don't think I deserve anything. I think what I did in war should banish me from peace. I think I should be dead. What's 'right' for me, as far as I'll ever judge, isn't what you'd say. Isn't what Kay would say. Isn't even what Mothma and Draven would.
"But you. I know what I want for you. What I think you deserve, whether you agree or not. And… if there's any way, any reason, I should approach, be able to find, any of that too… it wouldn't be on my own. Just for myself."
He was wincing by the end. Not particularly because he was revealing unexpected information about himself. More because… he was afraid he'd done exactly what he didn't want to. Make himself her problem. Her responsibility. Her burden.
Not… a partner. Who didn't want her to have to carry him there, but wanted to help her get there, herself. If she remotely needed or wanted him to.